very real riverdale episode plots

hey guys my main blog is @wellwaterhysteria if you're interested in what i have to say about things that aren't Very Real Riverdale Events. i can't believe this blog has even one follower you're all crazy let's hold hands.

cheryl gets a new superpower: the gift of flight. she uses it to hover a foot or so off the ground wherever she goes so that no matter who she speaks to, she's always just a little bit taller than them. she enjoys the feeling of everyone constantly having to tilt their heads up to look her in the eye. after she gleefully informs reggie that he might want to consider investing in some dandruff shampoo, a town-wide hat shortage sweeps riverdale. the combination of cheryl's Average Floating Height (AFH) and passion for acidic bon mots has left riverdale's populace terrified of and vulnerable to scalp-based insults. jughead digs out his backup beanie. veronica takes to wearing chic head scarves. betty wears her old wig again. no one feels safe. things come to a head when archie is forced to wear a baseball cap during his evening jog. in covering up his hair he negates the one built-in reflective surface he relies on to not get hit by cars in the dark. a small child cycles past him, not noticing he's there, and accidentally clips him in the ankle. it really hurts. he could have fallen and scraped his knee, or worse; his hands, which he uses for punching. when veronica finds out about archie's near-death experience the next day she decides that enough is enough. she waits for cheryl to initiate a conversation with her in public and after a few moments frowns, seemingly concerned. "what is it, vee? have i confused you? why does that puzzled brow mar your beautiful countenance so?" cheryl asks sweetly (condescendingly) from roughly a foot above veronica. "cheryl," veronica says in a low voice (though not low enough for those around them not to overhear) "i can see right up your nose, and..." (here she pauses for dramatic effect. everyone in the immediate vicinity leans in closer) "...you have a booger." cheryl flees the scene, escaping the sound of uproarious laughter around her. the next time the gang sees her, she's walking on her own two feet. she declares it's because she's missed the sounds of her high heels clicking on the marble floors of thornhill but people know the truth. the town is free, once again, to walk around with their heads hatless and unconstrained. the next time archie goes for a run at night, a passing car with its highbeams on catches archie's hair at such an angle that it bounces back onto the car's windshield and momentarily blinds the driver, causing a small accident. archie doesn't notice though, because he has his headphones in, listening to a podcast episode about the history of Well Water Hysteria.

veronica finds out about air pollution, and resolves to fix it. hiram, who is in bed (harhar) with Big Climate Change, sets about to thwart her efforts to reverse global warming and save the world. veronica enlists the help of betty, jughead, cheryl, Gay Kevin, and archie to raise awareness. together, they can accomplish anything! archie has to have the concept of air pollution explained to him three times, and even then his answer to fixing it is to hold his breath until he faints. jughead lovingly carries him over to cheryl's designated Fainting Divan and softly brushes the hair from his face. archie spends the rest of the episode snoring peacefully. jughead writes an article that no one reads about the dangers of driving places. betty sees air pollution as the most formidable serial killer she's faced yet, and makes a murder board so large she has to take out ad space for a billboard. cheryl organises a charity gala with the theme Gasmask Chic and spends half the remaining runtime curating a killer outfit for it. Gay Kevin buys a megaphone and begins publicly shaming strangers into walking and cycling everywhere. veronica finds out that her father is responsible for um. idk 30% of the Un-Breathability Of The Air Around Them and lectures him about it until he agrees to stop being such a bad man. at the end of the episode cheryl finds out that her family is responsible for the invention of coal mining. betty is the only other person who knows and she and cheryl make a blood oath to never tell another single living soul. cheryl then immediately informs the corpse of her twin brother, who is standing out on the lawn as a halloween decoration.

betty finds out she has a fructose intolerance. whenever Gay Kevin, archie, jughead or cheryl attempt to interact with her, she holds out a "doctor's certificate" that says in bold writing "I AM ALLERGIC TO FRUIT" and backs away from them with fire in her eyes. cheryl takes to stalking her around town and surprising her at random intervals as a form of psychological warfare. betty now cannot sit next to anyone from her group of friends without breaking into hives. this is one of my worst ideas yet but that's not going to stop me from posting it.

betty gets really into survivalism and begins hoarding food and water for when the inevitable rapture/end of days/nuclear fallout happens. veronica finds a list betty makes detailing who she would let stay in her bunker (separate to the bunker everyone already has access to) and why, as well as a numbered list of who she would eat first if she ever had to resort to cannibalism. veronica is outraged because betty has placed her as an alternate on the Allowed To Stay In The Bunker list ("lacking in practical life skills, is weird about the texture of canned vegetables"), and third on the Would Eat If It Came Down To It list ("may attempt some sort of coup to gain power, and i have a recurring dream where she and i partake in the consumption of each other's flesh that i don't want to analyze or explore deeply because i'm afraid of my own desires. better to just eat her and not have to really think about it"). veronica shows the list to archie, jughead, Gay Kevin, cheryl, and toni, who have each been named on betty's lists at least once for various reasons. they decide to hold an intervention for betty to discuss the emotional ramifications of putting your friends on a hierarchical cannibalism list. when they sit betty down, cheryl says that she's not sure what the problem is, because she also knows who out of everyone in the room she would eat, and in which order, which impresses betty. cheryl moves up on the Bunker list. the others quickly grow jealous and the intervention turns into a competition between everyone to prove to betty that they deserve to stay with her in her doomsday shelter and not be eaten. they call it the Apocolympics, and it quickly becomes a town-wide event. betty starts making plans to add an extension to her bunker.