whew. i was looking through this blog today and i have such big feelings about beck, but no time or energy in my life to come back. plus tumblr rp causes me so much stress all the time that i reaaaaally can't stomach the idea of ever really returning.
it is mostly sad bc i do really miss the good interactions i've had with people, and i REALLY miss getting to have beck stretch her wings out and be a full person instead of just an idea in my head all the time, but. the tumblr rpc has really done nothing but make me feel really bad about myself for the last few years, now. i think i was chasing a high that i would get for a few months every few years, and that's just not sustainable for me anymore.
i don't know why i am posting this, to be honest! most people following this blog haven't posted in months, sometimes over a year, and that's where i was. i was just looking through beck's stuff because a bunch of my really good friends at work were interested in hearing about her (and maybe doing rp stuff with me, without the online horrorshow, which would be incredible), and i just felt like i need to bookend all of this.
but uhhhh hi. my real name is illianna. i don't go by marlowe anymore. i like my real self too much to hide it and make it play second fiddle to whatever protective persona i had to have online. i got a new job as a live actor in an escape room, and it's really fun when management has our backs (and a pain in the ass when they don't). but i'm friends (REAL friends) with everyone i work with, and i have finally found people that are as weird and genuine as i am. i have a boyfriend, and we are in love. we're moving in together next march. he's like four inches shorter than me but still picks me up and carries me home if i look like my feet are hurting too much. my friends didn't like him at first, but now they are looking forward to whenever our inevitable wedding is. i'm going back to school next fall to gt a degree in floristry; something i'd thought about since i was in my early teens, and something i'm excited about pursuing as a career- especially because i'm a dropout with no real direction right now. i have changed a lot in the last year and a half since i was really here, and i don't fit into where i was before- but thinking about it, i don't know if i ever really did, or if i was just forcing myself in to try and appeal to people and garner their attention.
i love beck rider a lot and i've been doing my own private art projects with her at the centre for a few months now. maybe i will log in again and share those, when they're finished. i have really run out of things to expand upon when it comes to her story, so i need to find new ways to tell it.
i miss rp but i don't miss how it made me feel. i miss sharing her with people but i don't miss the constant feeling of rejection. i miss screaming how much i loved her but i don't miss hearing nothing in response. i miss having a big community but i don't miss the elitism. the bad now outweighs the good.
i don't think i'll ever be back, and i would apologize if any of you were literally still here (there's one of you, and you have my discord already, lol). but i am happy that it allowed me to craft beck into the character she is now, and the outlet to genuine art (traditional drawing, poems, songs, paintings, sculpture, costume, all sorts of stuff that i've been doing in the last year).
ok. i think i've gotten it all out. goodbye, rituaels, i love what you were and i carry you with me
