that noise that my carabiner makes when i walk is actually a mating call

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@rip-ang3l
that noise that my carabiner makes when i walk is actually a mating call

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nothing, and i mean NOTHING, compares to joining a new fandom and reading through all the ____ x reader tags. itâs akin to opening gifts on christmas or recieving a package in the mail. actually, scratch that; itâs th equivalent of ascending to the heavens
Squashes them like the putrid little insects they are. Their blood splatters everywhere. It's rainbow. They are gay.
âOwww, kinktober is over đđđâ
AS IF YOU DIDNâT READ SMUT ALL YEAR ROUND, YOU WHOREEEEEE
Still thinking about House. Iâm becoming more depraved. What I imagine House would be like if youâre casually hooking up versus in a real relationship. More drabbles. I donât feel like writing an actual fic right now. đ
Not any real smut, just talking about how heâd have sex based on your relationship. Mentions of him doing hard drugs in the past.
CASUAL:
Iâm going to start this part by saying I genuinely donât believe House uses hookers as a frequent thing. I think he used a call girl for the first time after Stacy. He told Wilson the day after because he realized it was pathetic and funny, and Wilson would get a kick out of it. Since then heâs only ever used hookers at his absolute lowest (pain wise or mentally), and when he knows he might continue needing the support of distracting sex, once he finds a girl he isnât bored by he continues to call that one woman whenever he needs her. I just think thatâs the kinda guy House is. As much as he just enjoys having sex, as we all do, I donât really see him as the type to genuinely sleep around..maybe in high school and throughout his higher education, but not as were introduced to him in the show. Heâs depraved and touch starved, and he understands the disgustingly human need for connection that drives him to continue sleeping with the same woman if he likes her enough.(Hence everything with him and Emily in season 8. He obviously wasnât in love with her, but he did genuinely like her, and he knew he would miss her company just as much as the sex he used her for.)
Now for the actual stuff!
I donât think that youâd work at PPTH. Or any hospital, really. And he doesnât want to hear anything about your job if it has anything to do with STEM or just you being badass and smart. He wants to stay as far away from developing a crush or infatuation on you as much as possible, and I think having that intellect connection would make him like you far too much than he is comfortable with. Building a genuine connection would only create the vicious cycle between you two of fucking, acting sweet and nice after, then he stops talking to you for a few weeks to save his emotions, only for him to text you again on a random night when he needs something other than drugs to ground him. Avoidant attachment say âwhatâ?
House is a giver and you canât tell me otherwise. Remember the episode Top Secret from season 3 where he was trying to recall where he saw the patients face? After the patient gets bacterial vaginosis and Cameron tells him the guy hasnât preformed oral sex in over a year House calls him a selfish bastard. Yeah.
He sees sex from the neurohormonal and biological perspective; his body wants and needs sex because of the part of his genetics and hormones that makes him want it. If he wants sex but doesnât want the relationship that comes with it yet, he knows that the best option would be sleeping on and off with the same few girls. But he also knows that those hormones make it finicky and weird to have multiple âmatesâ when heâs at least able to acknowledge that deep down he craves a real relationship. That biological response is also why he knows to make sure youâre equally satisfied with the sex.
Part of him sees your agreeing to sleep with him despite the numerous compromises you have to make for his pain as something he has to make up to you. Mostly with head and making sure you cum a few more times than him when you two spend the night together.
Iâve seen a few people on here say heâs a lot meaner during sex when you guys arenât actually dating, but I donât think so. Heâs absolutely a secret loverboy. Just look at how he was with Cuddy the first time they slept together! He craves so much love because heâs constantly trying to protect himself from being hurt again. Poor baby. Someone just love him!! Please!!
DATING:
It will take at LEAST a year of pining before you get tired of him taking forever and just kiss him and tell him he needs to man up and ask you out. Heâd definitely like this response if you walk away after and leave him standing there with the taste of your chapstick and a bit of saliva on his lips for him to lick off as you stomp down the hall. He loves when people are able to match his energy like thatâbeing able to leave someone wanting more. He finds it SO hot.
If you donât work in STEM, you definitely do something that shows you have a high intelligence. He doesnât do much for humanities. He understands the value of education and why itâs important to know exactly how the world works together with science, and how important the humanities are combined with STEM, but he just hasnât really met anyone in that field whoâs as interesting as he is. Unless youâre the first!! But still, a lot of the people in that community are all pretentious and he hates people like that.
Be both chalant as possible but still have a part of yourself he needs to piece together. Your boldness will attract him, but piecing together the rest of you is what makes him stay the longest. If he likes what he finds, heâll decide if heâll let down his guard for you.
Oh this boy is OBSESSED with you. If you actually get him in a real relationship, he is whipped. He values you so much that youâre the only person who he actually considers listening to when they tell him no.
If you have chronic pain and parent issues too heâs able to connect so much faster. The only reason I can understand House so well and go so deep into his character analysis is because we have that connective bridge of pain. Youâre able to understand his motivations more than anyone else heâs been with before and after his infarction.
I donât know if anyone else picked up on this in Three Stories, but how I heard House explain it, thereâs a chance he already had a drug problem which caused the aneurysm in his leg and lead to the infarction. I personally believe House tried as many drugs as possible just to document what theyâre like, and this either brought him to the thought of âthis isnât too bad, I could try it againâ that starts an addiction, or just did too much as a kid and weakened the arteries enough that golfing was the tipping point to cause that cascade of things that made his pain what it is now. Either way, he definetly started recreationally using drugs in high school. Someone gave him his first cigarette when he was at a party, then he tried weed a few months later, and he kept switching between those two every few days to keep a good buzz and bear being around his father.
You being able to understand this all is whatâs going to make him really, really fall for you. If you have similar issues to him or have experienced them in the past and donât judge him or try to completely change his behavior the way Cuddy and Wilson do, and instead understand healing takes so much time when youâre in pain constantly, your acceptance means the world to him. If you're farther along in your pain journey (Which, you probably are. House is an immature man who doesnât like change.) he will absolutely start doing things with you if you can tell him firsthand that, sure, taking extra care of yourself fucking sucks, but it really does help.
Does everything he can to make sure youâre satisfied in every aspect of your relationship. Again, he feels insecure about having to make you compromise for his pain. On his better nights, he cooks you a nice dinner, lights candles to set the mood, tries his best to talk through his day with you, and makes sure you feel loved and respected the entire time youâre having sex. (Unless you prefer not to feel respected and loved during sex..no judgement here!)
He is so fucked if you ever partake in body worship. He canât imagine anyone really seeing him asâŚwhole? Since there so many things he just canât do anymore. The idea of you kissing all over him, running your hands along his sides while you tell him in your soft, pretty voice how perfect he is makes him almost uncomfortable in a way. Just sit on his face already! He isnât used to someone being so nice to him! Gah! -Houseâs conscience while you kiss him, probably.
Heâs such a dweeb I love him. He wants to play and sing for you but youâd still have to beg for him to actually do it. He âdoesnât doâ PDA but loves when you lay all over him. He studied pure mathematics during pre-med and thought everyone in the applied math courses were pansies who werenât actually learning much of anything. He loves astronomy but doesnât tell anyone because space makes him look too dweeb-y and heâs âtoo cool for thatâ or something. Heâs so nerdy and silly someone please love him enough he shows that side more I BEG OF YOU.
Thatâs it for now. Maybe Iâll edit in more later if I think of anything. :p

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No nut November just started and I canât stop thinking about House and his STUPIDLY ATTRACTIVE HANDS. I literally cannot stop thinking about how theyâd feel. Drabble post.
Mostly fluff but a little spicy spice at the end GEHEHEHEHE
Imagine tracing your hands over his, the veins rolling slightly under your thumb as you caress him. He pretends to ignore you and how much he likes having you touch and appreciate him. His skinâs a little dryâitâs getting chilly out, and we all know damn well he doesnât bother taking care of himself enough for lotion.
He has small scars across his hands and fingers, too. His father definitely used to bring him on camping trips to âteach him how to be a real manâ or something. The cuts are from finding out the hard way how to hold a knife properly and almost slicing off his thumb. (Same, man. Same.) Not to mention the occasional paper cut or two. He always keeps a little book or something to read in his bag with him. He doesnât like being bored, and his mom had it instilled in his mind that books are the best way to spend spare time.
âWhatâs this from?â You ask in a tired voice, not bothering to look up at him. The two of you are cuddled up under the duvet, your head on his shoulder with his arm wrapped around for you to play with his hands. âAlmost cut my finger off with a hatchet.â He said it so casually that all you can do is snort as you continue caressing it under your thumb.
Oh, and donât forget the calluses. He has a few soft calluses built up on his hand from using his cane, and his fingertips are always a little cracked from his guitar strings.
While youâre still playing with his hands, you decide to turn the one youâve been occupied with around to rub his palm. Lately, since itâs been getting cooler out and youâve been using it as excuse to lay around on him, youâve been finding yourself memorizing his body while going over the anatomical terms in your head. Anatomy was always one of your strong suited interests. You switch from massaging the thenar eminence, then the hypothenar, along the medial palmar region, and then spend your time gently rubbing the hard skin on the palm side of his knuckles, on the metocarpophelangeal joint, you note. You let out a soft huff of a laugh at how silly it is to mentally note names like that, but continue anyway. You use one hand to gently hold his wrist and the other uses its fingers to trace up his palm, following the path of the nerves deep under the flesh. Once you reach the tips of his fingers, you slide yours back down to interlock your fingers between his and bring it up towards your head, gently kissing the rough skin of his fingertips.
Iâm such a whore for nice hands. Imagine him sliding a few fingers into your mouth if youâre being too loud* and smiling to himself as you just roll your tongue between them, his other hand precisely moving inside you in all the ways heâs memorized to make you feel the best. I know for a fact that man is amazing at fingering. Heâs so observant, he canât not be good at sex. Speaking of observant, he definitely knows if you like his hands like this. When youâre in the room, he crosses his arms with one hand out just to make it easier and more obvious for you to look at them. Heâs such a sneaky bastard I WANT HIM.
(* In Houseâs personal opinion, you can never be too loud. If youâre the kindaâ person who moans just because you like to hear yourself, he makes it his personal mission to make you whine as much as possible, just to prove to himself that heâs able to make you so weak you canât even focus on how pathetic you sound. The only time heâd ever put his fingers in your mouth with the intention of âshutting you upâ is because heâd finally convinced you to let him at least finger you somewhere other than either of your homes and he knows how flustered itâd make you to be reminded that anyone could walk in at any time. âShhh..donât want anyone to hear, do you? Walk in on me knuckle deep while you beg for more?â He whispers right next to your ear while you feel the nudge of his nose moving from how wide heâs smiling.)
Me tired of looking for a fanfic about my fav old man that isn't smut, BIG age-gap, daddy kink:
(I just want a fanfic full of fluff, romantic, and where the reader is the same age as him)