rin ( ´ ꒳ ` ✿)

why is it that you get to have support, why is it that you get to have sympathy, why is it that you get to keep your friends, why is it that you get to be so free and open but in the back of my mind i feel guilt because i still feel like its my fault even though I’M the one that got emotionally abused

i had my fair share of faults but everyone including you knows i did everything in good intention and wanted nothing but to improve, even at the cost of my safety and well-being. i starved myself for you so i can give you constant attention, i left friends mid conversation the second you needed me, i’ve give you so much of my time, care, and genuine love but all you gave me was the feeling that no matter what i do i’ll never be enough for you and by extension, anyone. i fucking hated myself and i never really felt like i was doing enough for this relationship even though i was constantly burning myself out. you never asked but i wanted to show you that i can be the best, that i can be different, because you kept feeding me the knowledge that your exes were the worst and i wanted to give you something good for once, but now that i think about it, your exes weren’t the bad ones. it was you. you took their good intentions and looked at them to bad lenses once it no longer benefited your attention-seeking way of existence.

its been a few years since i last posted here so i just wanna write smth here to let me in the future know how much “change” has happened since the last time, for comparison’s sake

i feel like i’ve been getting better at a few things like speaking verbally, i honestly feel like i can express myself through words better than i did before when i was pretty much mute. i have a friend group right now, thats diff from the friend group in 8th grade (tho i still semi-actively stay in contact with those too). but yeah, i often talk w these new people now and its been good in that regard.

life-wise, its been getting better in some parts too. i got my own room at the end of september. its my first time having a room and honestly it still feels unreal. i thought id “feel” it more when i imagined it. but yeah, it feels good not needing to hide in the bathroom to cry or endure overstimulation from all the noise.

life’s also been bad too though. i stopped school when it was at the peak of me looking forward to everyday of it and it impacted my trust in people, especially my parents a lot and it put irreversible amount of trauma and stress unto me and pretty much is the catalyst for my now worsening mental state. my reading in writing has been out of practice/my dyslexia has been worse not only due to not being in school for years, but also because my depression has caused me to give up on a lot of things i loved and if i were to describe who i am right now, saying “soulless husk” would truly feel like an understatement.

i lost my love for writing, for reading, for singing, for dancing, and slowly, for art. ive lost that spark that once was the reason i kept pushing on and everyday has just been agony everytime i remember i cant get it back anymore. if i were to ask for something i desperately want my youth back. i want that joy in my life back. that spark that made me wanna live. its so so painful and everytime i think about it i feel nothing but the urge to die.

i wanna be happy in a way where im not scared of something bad happening afterwards. i wanna feel safe again. i wanna feel warmth again within myself. i wanna feel like everyday has a meaning and is a memory i can look back on because if i were to tell the truth, everyday feels like the same cycle and i really wanna end it. its so unbearable thinking my life has reduced to this because i feel so tired of living but at the same time i feel like im ungrateful for being like this when good changes happened too.

i easily get anxiety attacks now, im easily overstimulated, even hanging out with my friends i randomly feel depressed and it makes me feel like im not giving them the appreciation they deserve by not feeling happy. there hasnt been a day this month when i didnt feel suicidal and frankly, ive been on the edge of killing myself thrice this month and it’s only the 11th. hurting myself never felt so normal and its scary that i can say that without an inch of doubt in me.

everything i seem to do is never enough for me and everyone around me. im always the shitty person in my eyes and theirs. im always wrong and trash no matter how hard i try.

the past months ive only been barely clinging to my existence because of my boyfriend. but the more i go on, the more tired and overwhelmed i am of myself existing and that fucking disgusts me. i feel ungrateful. i feel gross. im nothing more than a fucking asshole. a useless human being that cant even do anything right.

im just so fucking tired.

the past few hours ive found myself looking up suicide methods again. looking up the same pages i went to back in october when i planned my failure of an overdose. i feel disgusting. but im just really desperate to end this painful cycle. ive lost almost every speck of hope i have for myself and i really dont think a day will come that ill actually like myself enough to not feel pain whenever im reminded of my mistake of an existence.

im sorry if i ever i end up doing anything one of these days. its never your fault. its mine.

im sorry for being a burden to all of you and im sorry for having you waste even a millisecond of your time to someone like me.

early 2016, i’ve found myself growing more and more fragile as the days come. my reasons to live grew more and more insignificant and fewer as my reasons to kill myself only grew stronger and greater. i found myself crying at the most simple of things, from being physically abused to just being told something remotely hurtful online directed towards me.

but what is the edge?

where does it all end?

how much can i really take before i end up jumping off and ending it?

fast-forward to today, 3rd day of 2019. i woke up feeling like absolute human garbage for no apparent reason for 4835645489th time in my life. i always believed that i’m finally gonna snap one of these days and yeah, i’ve come to realized: this is it. i’ve reached the official danger zone. i’m closer to it’s peak.

i can feel myself slipping away the second i lose attachment towards everything around me; my last few reasons to live and the thought of everyone who’s ever cared about me. the moment i lose sense of those things i could literally feel myself slipping off. i could feel myself slowly falling, barely holding on anymore.

i’ve officially subconsciously given up.

my brain cant really handle it anymore, and the tiniest slip up can make me act upon all the thoughts i’ve garnered in the last 5 years of my life feeling as if i didnt deserve to exist to begin with.

and it might sound very toxic of me and its just horrible wishful thinking, i’m very aware. it sounds as if i’m trying to tell the world that i want it to adjust for me when in reality, it will never bend to anyone’s whim no matter how tired or fragile they are. but thats just how it really is. i cant change how my brain works anymore, and it’s not like i havent tried.

i’ve been trying every single fucking day of my life. it just so happens that im really tired of it at this point because of how tedious the entire thing is.

whatever happens, happens, i guess.

i love you all.

im a fucking mess lol it aint new but huh

i have no place in the world anymore and literally the last thing i can do that would be of any use to the world is to fucking kill myself.

my parents wouldnt need to waste money, time, and effort for me. they wouldnt have one more mouth to worry about. they would have one less weight on their backs.

my boyfriend wouldnt have to worry about my sad ass all the fucking time. he wouldnt have to put up with me anymore. he wouldnt have anyone that’s just a burden leeching on to him anymore.

my friends wouldnt have to be around the same space as my pathetic self. they wouldnt have to feel uncomfortable because im around.

so many good things have happened to me since my last suicide attempt but never once did i feel like i deserved them. i dont deserve the love and attention from my parents, i dont deserve the love and attention from my boyfriend, i dont deserve the love and attention from my friends. i dont deserve to still be alive right now because im literally nothing but fucking waste using up oxygen for nothing.

i dont have the energy to be useful anymore, anything i do anyway is a fucking sad attempt or just a huge failure. i cant even kill myself properly without failing at it. fucking pathetic. i dont deserve to take care of myself its not like ill be of any use its just narcissistic of me.

The last 16 years of my life have absolutely been a wild journey.

I've had my ups and downs, my incredible highs and even what felt like rock bottom, multiple times. I tried and did things that I loved and I was lucky enough to experience and learn something from. But, the highlight of my life are the people that make it up. The people I've met, whether or not they stayed, are what made it fun and colorful. They gave me these wonderful memories I hold dearly. They gave me these lessons that helped me shape who I am. I can never express how thankful I am.

It was a wonderful life. An amazing 16 years.

But, I think it's time to close the book.

It’s not anyone’s fault. I’m just tired and I want some rest.

Thank you, again.

Please take care. Please know and remember that I love you.

chapté̶̡͙̩̩̹̅̔͆̇͂̎̈́̌̊͑͐̌͗̈̍̒͂͑̅̇̌̓̽͂̐͑̍̃́͗́̌̔́́͋̔͂̚͝͝r̴̢̡̧̡͖̣̫̼͍͕̬̘͇̟̲̞͓̖͙̥͈͖̫̖̦̦͚͚͙̲͙̭̞͈̤̝̺̤̄̊̔̈̈́̾͗̀̌͗̓͗̈́́͛̈́͒̿̓̄̏̃̐͘͜͜͝͠ͅͅͅ  r̷̨̧̡̰͉̱̠͓̭͇͎̪̗̼̣̹̫͍̓͆̀͒̇͊͛̑̄͗̀̔͛̿̽͂̓͆̔̿̀̓͌̃̽̂̒͆͑̑̓̀̽̈́̈́̋̿͂̂͌̇̀͘̚͘͠͝͝e̷̢̨̧̨̨̨̛͚͚̟̩̩̦̹̖͓͇̫̯͎̪̞̮̘͎̯̲̮̱͉͎̰̦̦̗̻̯̭̲̬̩̥͚̗͓̫̞̙̞͉̰͍̻̖͕͕̫͊̽̀̍̑̓̈́̍̀͐̀̄̓̑͛̍͗̇̅͂̔͆͆͒̊̽͐̾̾̾͊̿̅͒̎̅̊̉̐̏͋̀͘̕̕͜͝ͅͅd̶̡̢̛͕͔̣̥́̂̅͗̈̈͋͑̅̆̈̓̓̀̆͑̔͆̒͌̍̏̆̍̃̽́͋̅̾̐̀̿̌̉́͜͝͝ạ̸͚̠̜͊̑͆̎̐̈́̅͑͒̎̐͌͌̽̎̈͋̑̑̐̂̈́̾̈́̽̒́́́̒͘͝͠ç̷̡̢̧̨̢̱͉̬̪͚̜̪̹͚̯̙̲̜̻̬̱̦̩̹͇̘̼̭̳͎̥̠̟̠̭̘̳̬͉̖̅̓͆́̄̈̀͋͒͒̋͐̉̒͊̿̀̓̈́̓̈́̐̅̽͛͊͛͗̑̌̆̓̚͝͝͠ͅͅţ̷̧̧̧̧͔͖̠̜̙̻͉͇͔̯̟̤͙̻̜̼͕̫̳̤̠̯̻̟̝͚̯̜̥̠̮͔͍͔̟̾̐̉̎̾̿͂̏͌͊͐̿͋̀̎̃̍͐͛͛̄̔̾̀͐̋̈́͑̑̀̀̄̂̾̆̈̋̌̀́͋̈́̀̏̑͊̿͑͑͆̊̌̔̔̚̚̚̕͜͠͠͝ͅͅȩ̴̢̡̛̛̛̳͍͔̞̗͖̺̼̤̼̠̊̎͛̈̊̀͒̄̔͋̒̅͆̎̿̾͆̈̈́̄̎̄́̔͋͋̍̊̈͒̏̑̿̿̌̌̇̓̿̎̒̊̀̃̓̎̒͊̊̋̅̾̊̏̀͘̚̕͝͠͠͠͝͠͠d̴̨̧̢̨̛̛̛͙͍̻͕͈͍̤̗̫̺̼̮̲͚̰̲̭̠̥̙̭͈̘͚̺͖͔̺̤̟̺̼͖̫̭̞̼͓͙̰̦̫̰͙̭́͒͛̈̐́͗̓̿̍͗̈͊̇͛̑̋̏͒̓̈́̆̈̎͐̈́͒̂̓̓̑͛̍́͛̅̂̀͒̈̅̚͝͝

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here we go again

but man im too tired to even vent at this point so here’s an image i found on twitter a while back of trisha paytas being the greatest mood

Q: Now that they had just been released, what are your thoughts on chapters 33-35? How was writing them? How do they affect the story as a whole?

The recent chapters mostly cover Meme’s relationship with our 2 other characters, Eric and Mervyn and THEIR relationship with each other. In Chapter 33: Parallax we see how the two interact with each other, what they initially feel about the other guy and what they feel about Meme since they both have the same romantic interest, as well as in the end, we sort of get a glimpse of what they are to be (more or less, idk), and honestly, it’s one of the things I wrote that really gave me a bit of a mental challenge. I don’t interact with other people much so WRITING interaction is ALWAYS a challenge, and I don’t write about 2 boys talking that often too, especially boys that have the same romantic interest and are 100% platonic. But, here we are! 2 of our soft boys talking out our soft girl, and it honestly gives me some sort of a “proud mother” feeling. Meanwhile, Chapter 34: Blowout was a huge change of direction. Having somewhat of a contrast on 33′s wholesome atmosphere, we’re hit with so much angst and drama that we last saw on the “Past” chapter where Meme looks into the photo’s of her and Eric, thus looking back to their fight before. And it’s just... a huge MELTdown as Meme finally reaches her BOILING POINT. Iii’ll stop with the heat jokes now. Theeen, there’s Chapter 35: Resolution. Short and sweet, but also bitter. Especially if you stan Eric x Meme, oof. I have news for you, buddy.

I actually wrote those 3 chapters under like... 10 hours. Which is actually... TOO LONG for just 3 chapters. I could’ve written 5 in that time. But, there was A LOT of soul searching and emotions involved, and I had to apply some of mine to them so, half of the process involved me just reminiscing moments that I felt the same as Meme, as Eric, as Mervyn in that particular situation, which I love. It’s one of the therapeutic sides of writing really that I really like, since I’m a real FEELY person, than a THINK-y person.

Now... how these affect the story. So much? But, also not? I mean, we get confirmation that Mervyn DOES like Meme. We get confirmation that HE IS planning to confess sooner or later. We get confirmation that Eric likes Meme too, and confirmation that Meme knows of it. I mean, I have planned chapters already until the very end, and I can see all these factors applying to it one way or another. : )

Stay tuned for the main Q&A session with myself which will cover more on the current process of it, the future plans for the story as a whole, and some stuff I want to do with it, other than a story! This was just  a short interview thing because I’m probably too tired and didn’t have time to write a full one, oof.

Q: What is to happen in this ongoing Meme Nuke? What is to be expected?

So many things, It’s gonna be WILD and would probably hit close to me (to me at least). Changes will happen, lots of drama, lots of conflict, and angsty teen drama!

Q: What is the concept/reason behind this ongoing Meme Nuke?

I personally thought Eric just wasn’t having enough screen time despite being an important part of Meme’s life. He appeared on Volume 2, soon got a close-to immediate redemption, then that’s it, which I personally think is kind of flat and boring (something I’m planning to change when I rewrite the story). So, I decided to make this Meme Nuke to focus more on Eric’s perspective. His life, his point-of-view on his friendship with Meme, with what happened in the past, with Meme’s current situation and love life, etc. to not only add more depth and 3rd-dimensionality to who he is, but to his and Meme’s story.

Q: What do you like your own story?

I personally like the way I wrote Chapter 30? I only like it though, not love, because it is a bit pretentious? At least that’s how I see it. Though, I like the concept behind it. How it foreshadows everything that’s going to happen in the future of the story, from the most recent to the end.

Another thing I like is how I wrote the characters with contrast to each other, but not so much as to make them incompatible, as well as how relatable they are in a way and how 3rd dimensional they are. Take for example, our main character, Meme. Meme is a social outcast; thinks too much, always second guesses herself, shy to the point of panic attacks, but she’s trying to get out of that ditch she’s in. Eric is the same when they met, and that’s how they click and connect. And now that Meme’s at the stage of her life where she’s trying to better herself and as she said on Chapter 26: New Year, New Meme, "I'm gonna braver." Eric’s confident, chill personality would help because Meme not only has a familiar face that she’s confident with and knows exactly where’s she’s coming from, she also has someone who can lead the way, and I think that just works, you know? They have a bonding point. But, of course, they have their differences, and I love this the most, especially in the case of these two. While they have reason to bond, they also don’t, in a way. Because before they were in a mutual understanding that just went wrong. But, Meme has moved on and she’s in love with someone else, which is one of the reasons why she wants to be braver, which is what Eric is helping her with. Eric on the other hand is still in love with Meme, but wants to support her all the way too. You see the conflict there? I love this about how I written them and how I structured them, and this wasn’t 100% intentional! Eric was just suppose to be a background character at first, no speaking lines even! But, now he’s a main character and he has so much to do to the story! Another thing I mentioned in the beginning of this section is the relatability of these characters. I mean, everyone’s experienced 1-sided love, everyone’s experienced social anxiety (though not as extreme as the actual disorder), everyone’s experienced wanting to change, everyone’s felt the need to help their family, etc. It’s these things that I feel like should entice the readers more to these characters and make them want to appreciate them more and theorize about them more, and talk about them more.

Lastly, I like the details and the chance for audience participation. I sprinkle in so much details and clues to every chapter that I make that foreshadows events that will happen in the next chapters, in later chapters, and even outside the story! It just makes the story open for theorizing and for readers to have something to look forward to (hype factor, if you can call it that). One of the biggest foreshadows I put in (that I’m surprised nobody questions) is Meme’s reoccurring dreams, specifically the ones where she wakes up either in a dark place, unable to breathe, or underwater. And like, Chapter 30: Digital Negative is just a huge pile of foreshadowing! I just love details so much, I wish they were noticed and talked about more though.

Stay tuned for the next Q&A session with myself which will cover more on the current process of it, the future plans for the story as a whole, and some stuff I want to do with it, other than a story!

its just so hard to continue living knowing you’re nothing but an expense and no matter how hard you try everyone, even the people you look up to the most and the people you thought would understand, will still see you as a burden, an expense, something that just wastes everything they work for.

its so hard to wake up every morning hearing the maid tell your mom you’re useless when you helped as much as you could, or overhearing your grandmother call you names and treat you like dirt in front of everyone else in the house. im so sick to have to wake up on some days feeling fine, then in the next few minutes hating every bit of my existence.

fuck, i mean, earlier today i was going about on instagram how i’m happy about myself and how i’m finally taking care of myself then right now, considering overdosing later tonight and wishing i was never born because im so tired of everything.

i cant see any other cther chocie than to just fucking die.

i dont care about finishing high school anymore. i dont care about my drawings. i dont care having my friends and family find out how insufferable i am and what has been going on in my mind and what they have been doing to fuel the fire. i dont care if my friends will miss me. i dont care if everything i’ve worked hard for and busted my brains out for will go to waste. i dont care if this will lead to nothing. i dont care if my friends will forget about me anyway. i dont care if this doesnt change anything. i dont fucking care anymore.

im so done and tired of writing, typing, and drawing vents that lead nowhere but show how fucking shit i am as a person. im sick of crying about not feeling anything or feeling pain.