*!&@^*

Me:

a forewarning, online dating isn’t for everyone. it’s easy to glance at every profile and feel like everyone is a lameass because, just being honest, 90% of okcupid users are lame af and that’s why they’re being nerds that gotta go online to get pussy/dick haha fuckin losers. don’t be one of those losers — or maybe you are one of those losers, but just listen to me and you won’t seem like it.

after this you’ll be pullin pussy from the very same chair you jerkoff and cry in.

Part 1a. Profile (Text)

this is where a lot of people fuck up the hardest which is sad because it’s 50% of what you can control in your online dating world.

you have to be general. you aren’t trying to turn hotties off cuz you hate everything. just say you like shit. don’t say too much shit though — just your essentials.

this is what mine looks like:

it’s simple, it’s easy to read, it’s what i like.

i said not to say shit you hate, but if you can’t stand something it’s ok to make that known up front. for example, i’ll pass on pussy if i have to listen to some yung lean fuccboi bullshit to get there.

try to be funny and don’t try too hard. everyone is looking for someone that’ll make em laugh. and don’t be an intelligent dickwad that is going to use full sentences cuz you don’t want kids thinking you curated your fuckin’ profile — it’s gotta look effortless because people that try too hard in real life just fucking suck at being lovers.

extra tip: throwing in a recurring tidbit in my profile has gotten me many messages like i mention drake 2 or 3 times in my profile because it makes it easy for some girl to message me and be like “NOTHING WAS THE SAME” like holy shit yeah that was his album! but i guess you’re cute so why not.

Part 1b. Profile (Picture)

Just get your most popular friends of the opposite gender to pick your cutest photos from your facebook and you’re set.

if you don’t have a facebook, well don’t post selfies is all i can say. selfies are effing lame and i won’t message people who post selfies because it probably means they’re boring and in the 90% of dorks on the website.

it’s even ok to post shirtless pictures of yourself as long as they aren’t selfies. okcupid did this study on who gets messaged the most and shirtless dudes (note: not shirtless selfies) get a shitload of messages. so i got my suitemate to take this super douchey photo of me that i 100% posed for but i’d get at least one message a week saying “HOW’D YOU GET THE FLAME SO HIGH”

spoiler: slow shutter speed

Part 2. Messaging

Do not message someone with “Hey” “Hi” “What’s up” or anything of that sort. A lot of my girl friends that use okcupid get upwards of 30 messages a day and if they see that in their email, they’re gonna skip by it even if you’ve got the body of Ryan Lochte.

try to read their profile a bit and pick out something that sticks out to you. bitches like a dude that cares enough to read.

i’ll usually throw in my two cents about something a girl listed in her likes like if they said death grips i’ll be like “GET GET GET GET GOT GOT GOT GOT sup witchu” and that’s usually good enough to set you apart.

after this point you’re on your own — i can’t teach you how to not be a retard.

Part 3. Timing

this is where we’re moving to the big leagues of online dating strategy.

at what times are the most singles on this site? friday and saturday nights as ladies be eating haagen dazs pints watching netflix in their ugly panties by themselves and are wondering why they aren’t out with their boyfriends like all their hotter friends are. holidays too where everyone be at family gatherings with significant others and they feelin extra lonely at the kiddie/singles table.

take advantage of their loneliness. a lot of girls sign up for OKC during these times and you can sort users by “Newest” so use that feature.

Sunday/Saturday mornings work similarly well because girls are gonna sign off after a night and wake up eager to see if anyone messaged them on their latest little guilty pleasure. [[sidenote: don’t list your most private thing you’re willing to admit to be the fact you joined okcupid you unoriginal lameass.]]

Part 4. Rating

If you have time, use this feature I can’t stress it enough. Going through quickmatch and just rating girls you like as 5 stars and girls you don’t like as 3 stars will get your profile noticed. I don’t know how the okcupid visibility settings work exactly but when i go through 20 profiles and rate each one, i’ll get more visitors in the next couple days guaranteed. okcupid rewards users that are active on their site.

also, if you rate a girl 4/5 stars and they rate you back, okcupid will notify both of you that you like each other. you can be an idiot at this point and still lay the pipe as long as you’ve got a bedroom.

rating a girl 3 stars won’t notify them you like them if they rate you back, it will just get them out of your quickmatch. skipping will put them back in your queue eventually.

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