Riley Smiley

the boy with holes in his shoes walks home in the rain while the water seeps through his socks he gets a crick in his neck from looking over his shoulder so much; looking for cops even though he did nothing wrong and looking for other people that look like him but carry knives at home, the house is empty it has been for 6 days yet the boy with holes in his shoes is just 11. the cupboards are empty except for a granola bar and a jug of water in case the landlord shuts off the plumbingㅡ which he probably will since the father of the boy with holes in his shoes hasn’t worked in 6 months

You’ve been with him for so long, that you feel like you owe him something. Like leaving him now would be too big a betrayal. So you stay with him longer than you want to, and you kiss him goodnight but you don’t mean it. And you stay weeks after you want to, and one day you decide that you don’t have to stay with him. Just because you used to love him doesn’t mean you have to love him forever. And you tell him that it’s over, and you feel free when you walk away.

“I just don’t get it. Why would she do that to herself? It’s going to kill her…”

Locked away to keep me safe You whisper in my ear I have to be brave I lay in your arms and cry and cry Why can’t you understand I just want to die

When you feel like you can’t breathe anymore Blast your favorite music as loud as you can and turn on all the lights  Everything that’s bright and loud will help chase the darkness away  Jump. Scream. Draw all over your body. Smash some plates.  Ground yourself. Remind yourself you’re still alive.  The world won’t slip through your fingers as long as you keep breathing

Self harm is trying to control your pain Anorexia is trying to control your body Anxiety is trying to control your fear We’re all so stuck in our disorders we don’t notice that we’re just trying to find a way out of the thing we can’t control Our emotions

Recovery is being at war with yourself They’ll give you a meal plan and then the battle starts You’ll cry at the dinner table and refuse to eat You’ll count every dreadful calorie they will force into your body You’ll scream and cry Hate yourself, hate your family, hate the nurses You’ll call home and proudly tell your mom you’ve managed an entire meal You’ll put up inspirational posters on your bedroom walls You’ll want to hurt yourself Have nightmares about the fat that’s slowly finding it’s way back to your body You’ll eat ice cream and secretly enjoy it You’ll go out for your first meal in public and panic, make a scene in the restaurant You’ll hide food in your sleeves, your pockets, your shoes A nurse will notice you’re purging and they’ll take away your last bit of freedom You’ll go on weekend leave and your family just won’t stop smiling because you’re having dinner with them You’ll cry yourself to sleep, night after night You’ll split a chocolate bar with another girl and you’ll both feel like you’re on top of the world You’ll look in the mirror and which you could literally cut the fat away You’ll laugh and cry and relapse And you won’t be able to imagine a world where food doesn’t control your entire life But you’ll know there are other people who made it There will be people telling you it’s possible to be happy again So you keep on fighting Hoping that one day you’ll win the war And you’ll finally find peace within yourself

I want to stop but I don’t want to stop A seemingly inaccurate sentence That makes perfect sense to my addict ears

I would go to the moon and back for you But I can’t even get out of bed for myself

You cannot tame the ocean You have to learn how to swim

Having bad thoughts doesn’t make you a bad person