Being in God's Mercy and Grace.

Sometimes the darkness feels overwhelming… but prayer is the light that cannot be extinguished. 🙏 In the moments when fear surrounds us, when the weight of life presses in like shadows, it can feel easier to hide and be silent. But even a whispered prayer has the power to break through the darkest night.

This image reminds me: prayer doesn’t just change situations, it changes us. In our trembling, God meets us. In our weakness, His light shines.

“The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?” (Psalm 27:1)

I’m here again inside the church sitting in my favourite pew. I was a bit early for choir practice. I sat there staring blankly at the altar, listening the sound of birds and engines of cars passing outside the church. Within a few minutes, my eyes started to twitch and flicker and I felt the heaviness in my body as I’m about to fall into sleep. I shooked my head before I pass out and fall out of my seat. “I feel so tired and sleepy. I didn’t get enough sleep last night”. I wonder.. Why am I here? I could have gone home instead and get enough rest and sleep for the next day’s work. Is it not unfair that I sit here in silence while waiting for others to arrive? Why can’t my friend make it to today’s practice? How can people say “no” very easily while I always have a hard time saying no to anything? Why do I always find myself in a situation, where I am always at the front line and constantly being fired upon? Sometimes I wonder if it’s better to have no commitment at all, no responsibility, no one to please except myself, no caring and no heartache. If I look back at my past experiences, all those things that I’ve been through in joining groups, dealing with people, making close friends, including some negative experiences that are painful to deal with and can lower your self-esteem, the only thing I can do is cry. I keep it all to myself. I look at myself right now and I look back at those times and how I started to get involved in activities that have led me to where I am today, I see a picture full of laughter and tears, happiness and grief, love and anger, longing and fear. I think it all started after I observed a change in my Kuya’s (elder brother) behaviour after joining a catechist group in our church. He was happy and smiling all the time and made lots of friends pretty quickly. I felt in my heart the longing to experience all the things my brother is experiencing. I liked my brother a lot and I admired him but I never thought of following in his footsteps. But after that experience I became his little shadow, everywhere he went I was there trailing behind. Many times I felt my Kuya was getting fed up and I was becoming a nuisance and a burden to be around. Once he was invited to train to become an altar boy/sacristan, my parents made me go with him without seeking my brother’s approval beforehand. In the end he was left with no choice but to bring me along with two other friends. I was really excited to become an altar boy! But I wasn’t ready for the exams that we were required to pass to become “certified”. Each wrong answer during the practical exams means I get a slap on the back of my neck. Out of 30 I had 29 questions done and also received 29 strikes on the back of my neck. I felt hopeless and felt like running away, I thought there’s no chance I will be a sacristan. But instead I put on a brave face, held back my tears and waited for my one last question. “What do you call this (pointing to one object)?”, my trainer has already lost his hope in me. My vision was blurry with tears, I was so scared that I might say the wrong answer. “That’s a bowl”, I said. He didn’t react for a while, then he smiled half-heartedly because it was the correct answer. I could not control my tears any further and and they rolled like Niagara falls down my cheeks. They were tears of hope and happiness knowing that I have 1 in 30 percent chance to be accepted in the group. After that episode in my life I began to feel that I didn’t want to be a shadow of my Kuya anymore that maybe there is hope for me down this road. My motivation was my absolute 1 in 30 percent chance of making it on my own! Carrying that ray of light with me I decided to find my own personal journey, discover ways to grow and see my own journey take shape. I started actively participating in school programs like Boy Scouting, varsity sports, Red Cross. I joined all kinds of events and competitions which enabled me to explore my horizons and to find out how far I can go. I got more serious in my extracurricular activities during my high school. I was actively involved in a religious organization of my choice and was always participating in their youth activities. Becoming part of the CAT (Cadet Army Training) was one of the best. My training has given me the confidence to succeed beyond just military life. I felt this unexpected confidence deep inside, in my abilities and in my powers to make a successful career out of what I studied. I am reminded of one worst and best and most unforgettable experience I had in the army training - being forced to run in the forest wearing only one piece – my combat boots. I was lucky to have been able to experience being in an all male Catholic high school. It has prepared me in a different way and sets me on the way to the destiny God has prepared for me. Although I never got any scholastic award, I was prepared to become a stronger person with bigger dreams, to be a leader, to be a friend, to be a companion to others, and a follower of God who was called to live in a relationship of love with God. My shyness gradually faded, I felt more comfortable during my days in the university. I remember joining a socio-civic group where I experienced another once in a lifetime unforgettable initiation rites. Most of all I was blessed with the opportunity to serve my school when I was awarded a working student grant. I had a lot of incredible people surrounding me then and having the chance to interact with professors and peers on a one to one basis has helped me to develop personally and mature as a person. I learned a lot about myself, learned a lot of skills to improve myself, gain knowledge and was able to share it to others. I also have a musical life. I’ve been singing in choirs for more than nine years now. To begin with my voice was never great, it had a weak tone and my singing range was poor. Singing bass I had a bad tendency to miss pitches and was really weak down by the bottom of bass notes. This was years ago, but with constant practice my voice has now improved a lot. The feeling being a part of a musical ensemble contributing to an event is a very inspiring experience for me each time. I’ve been involved with a number of different groups over the past few years. As of now I’m actively participating in CFC-Singles for Christ here in New Zealand. If I will look back again and see where I stand and how much I have travelled in my journey through life, I can probably say that I’m a bit beyond halfway through now. There’s still a lot to do, I believe that life is a continues process. Never stop learning, never stop changing and growing in your life. Always try to achieve your full potential and enjoy the things that you deserve. Dedicate your life to self-improvement and continuous learning in every way possible. Everyday do some improvement, see what you could be doing better about yourself and how you relate to others. I was staring into space and was in deep thoughts when I heard footsteps behind me. It was our choir master heading towards the altar. He felt along the wall by the door for the light switch and turned it on. It lit up the choir stand. We began our choir practice with our choir master distributing a new music piece to learn. We started singing the song when the lyrics struck me straight through my heart. I felt like crying and tears brimmed in my eyes. It was a very powerful and meaningful song. “Will you come and follow me If I but call your name? Will you go where you don’t know And never be the same? Will you let my love be shown, Will you let my name be known, Will you let my life be grown In you and you in me?” Just a while ago I was questioning my coming to choir practice when my body felt like resting for my tiredness at home. In one overwhelming moment God answered my every question. God summoned me to be here. I understand now that sometimes God summons us to be in different situations because He wants to develop us and teach us what we need to know and is training us to be stronger. He wants us to experience with him the kind of life he wants to give us. He summons us to answer our questions and to welcome us home. Maybe now I should ignore my tiredness and instead think about ways to share this experience. I should prepare to encourage people to keep on serving God, to plant a seed in others and help them know and experience God’s love. I am about 55 percent through my journey and I keep on counting. If I tell you how knowing Him have brought joy to my life would you not want to experience God as I do and see how far away you can reach if you walk with him? God’s dealing with us mankind seems to be summoning us to look at the bigger picture. Great things will happen according to God’s time and will go according to God’s plans for you. Today He prompted me again to reflect and to try to see things in a different light. God is telling me not to worry but to continue to serve to the best of my ability even when things may seem bad. He wants me to succeed in my current struggles, to learn from those experience, and be ready to respond to his next calling whether it be big or small. When God summons you, will you answer ? Thank you for reading my story. May you feel God summons to you, in your life, so you may see His goodness, his love, His mercy and grace, His purpose for your life and his plans for you being accomplished. I hope to catch you here again soon. PS: Below is the whole lyrics of the music that prompted me to write this story. I too felt a sudden urge to make a video of the song (Click here to watch ). It may be a little bit disturbing and I may sound like a walrus in heat but I hope the words of the song makes you forget all that. Please bear with me and thank you for letting me share it with you. The Summons By John Bell

Last night I had a dream. I was in it and I was watching an athlete doing a “long jump”. I could almost feel the athlete’s heartbeat as he made the graceful leap and seems to float through the air then comes into land in a much longer move than the normal jump.

I felt anxious to try it myself to see if I can do it.

So in the next scene in my dream, I saw myself preparing for my long jump.

I focused, then I started my approach run…mustered all my strength as I come to my take off.. I let the wind carry me up, at the highest altitude, moved horizontally fast in the air, then lands down at the farthest point easily without hurting my feet and hips.  It was a nice successful landing.

Different scenes of me doing a long jump and showing it to others popped up. There was also this scene where I was on a very high cliff and I was aiming to jump to get to the other side.

My dream then changed to a scene where I was talking to a person explaining to him my long jump, my secret techniques and training methods that helped me achieve a perfect jump.

Then I realised my lips were moving, saying the same words that I was saying in my dream. Three words I uttered, in this order,  “LIFT-UP-FAITH.”

Then I got that sudden full body jerk awakening from my dream. I opened my eyes a little then closed my eyes again as I think about my dream. I was intrigued and wondered if my subconscious mind is trying to convey a message to me.

When I got to the office this morning, the first thing I did was to conduct a research on my dream online. I researched on the events and some key symbols I remembered seeing in my dream hoping to get an interpretation for my dream. I wanted to understand my dream and find out if it has a meaning or relevance to my life.

According to Wikipedia, the “Long Jump” is a classic field event, a conceptually very simple, but a very difficult discipline to master. It is also one of the old sports that included in the Olympics, because in history, all events that occurred at the Olympic Games were initially supposed to act as a form of training for warfare. The long jump emerged probably because it mirrored the crossing of obstacles such as streams and ravines.

I also checked the dictionary from computer meaning of “lift”, “up”, and “faith”. LIFT means raise to a higher position, UP means toward the sky, and FAITH means complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

I was puzzled. What did my dream mean? I’d really like to know.

I kept thinking and thinking of those three words until in my head I started doing permutations to the words.

Lift Up Faith,  Lift Faith up ….. UPLIFT FAITH!

This could be one tiny but moving message that I am being prompted to share.

But I can’t share this message unless, first I have to contemplate upon its understanding and come to face it. Am I able to prove my faith in God, live it, share it to others and answer for it? Can anyone see my faith in God? Where is my faith lacking?

I guess I need to constantly move forward and continue to learn, study and grow in my faith. I know I already have large amount of life experiences and have had many life lessons, but I need to constantly nourish my heart and mind and increase my faith, so I am equipped with boldness and confidence when situations and circumstances will arise that will put my faith to the test. 

Yesterday I had small talk with an office mate about my religion. She asked me what my religion is. I smiled shyly and lifted my head to say "I'm a Catholic" in my most pleasant tone. She then began to ask me question after question until I was running out of thoughts and opinions. "I can't give you an answer", I said, "I honestly don't know".

I realized I blew an opportunity to share with others one very important thing for me, and that is my faith.

How about you, how deep is your faith? Do you put your faith into practice?

What do you do to nourish and energize your faith? Do you share your faith with others? Do you stick it out and keep going when your faith is questioned with doubts by others? Do you sometimes feel like you’ve lost your faith?

It’s just so easy for us to say “I have faith”. But having faith entails a lot more hard work. Having faith means living by it, walking in it, sharing it and letting others see it. It is letting our faith grow until it becomes big enough that we can accomplish great things with it.

Sometimes we feel so barren without the sense of presence of God, and we thirst for God’s word. We already know how to find God, but we often overlook and we forget. We think we don’t know where to find Him and we stop looking. That place we often overlook is in our own hearts.

It is our faith that helps us to touch and encounter God in all times, all places, all persons and all events. It is a good thing if you are actively pursuing your spiritual growth. Nourish your faith by acting on it – pray, read His word, share it, help others discover how they too can know God, until your faith actually blooms. Look for any opportunity to serve in your community and in church, as choirs, Sacristans, Lectors (readers). Match up your talents with parish organisations and services that can use your time and talent.

Let others walk with you on your journey of faith.

As we all know, our life is full of potential, full of gifts and full of talents. The gifts of the Holy Spirit are many and varied and mistakes can be made by any of us in the exercise of our gifts. We have to pray for His grace and put our trust in God that the gifts we have are the best ones, and to use them in the best manner we are able in the service of God. This is what the Holy Spirit asks of us - to discover, in every detail possible, who we really are, and to use our strengths and our talents to carry out our purpose in God’s plan.

BIGMAG’s Second Issue features articles by Fr Frank Bird on "Finding Your Vocation", Rev Fr Norbert Alvin Ma Cañada on “On Purpose”, Sr Margaret Kerry, FSP on "Living Our Vocation in Christ”, Fr Wilmer Joseph Tria on “Our Lady of Mount Carmel”, an interview with a passionate worship leader, personal testimonies, theology, mission journeys, a saint life, poetry, cartoons and more!

You can view or download Issue 2 in PDF through Facebook (Search Catholic BIGMAG) or  by visiting our website: http://www.catholicbigmag.com

It’s Mother Mary’s Birthday today and I told myself I have to visit St. Mary’s Church after work. I can’t stop thinking about this day and how special it is, I can’t wait for the end my workday. I wanted to greet her, say a little prayer to thank her and pray the rosary.  

Finally my day’s work is finished, I picked up my jacket and my bag and rushed out the door. As I entered the quiet little church I noticed there was no one else inside. I told myself, “It’s good if there’s no one around, I can recite my rosary prayer out load and hear my voice this time.” I’ve been thinking about how I can make my prayer special for her today and make it more than just praying the rosary the “regular” way. 

I took out my rosary, along with my prayer pamphlet and knelt in the pew. I always begin my prayer with a moment of silence where I call on the Holy Spirit to lead me and guide me in my prayer so that my thoughts may all be holy. “Most Holy Spirit, come, teach me to pray well. Enlighten me and pour yourself out in prayer into my heart..”, I recited. 

As I’ve come to the second decade of the rosary a thought crossed my mind. I thought I’ll sing the “Ave Maria” out loud after the fifth mystery, but will sing it fast while no one is listening, I don’t want to disturb others during their prayers in case someone comes in to pray.  Deep down inside me however I’m also saying “I’m shy and I don’t want to make people uncomfortable with my sentimental expressions of faith.” “I’m a person of silent prayer.” I always explain if someone asks me.

I’ve heard someone entered the church during the third mystery of my rosary. I opened one eye to peek and check out who came hoping it’s someone I don’t know. “Oh shucks, it’s the guy I always see here in church”. He went to his favourite spot which is at the far left first row. My own little spot inside the church is the third row end pew. 

Sadly I uttered, “ I’m sorry Lord and Mama Mary, I guess I’ll just whisper my prayers now, I don’t like him to hear my voice.” So I lowered my voice so only I could hear myself and closed my eyes again to continue praying. 

After a short while of silence I was startled by the sound of squeaking footsteps walking towards the altar. I opened my eyes and looked up curious to know what on earth is the man up to interrupting my peace. Many times I’ve seen him just sit in his favourite seat and silently read his bible. But I was amazed at what I saw, it was the first time I’ve seen him doing that.

There he was standing before the altar with inclined body and head, and hands outstretched above his head as he prayed! I continued to observe him as he gently knelt down and continued his low murmurs of prayer. He then reached over to touch the white linen altar cloth. He kissed the cloth and pressed his face in the cloth and kept it there for about a minute.

He was praying within a state of full faith, with power and full conviction. I suddenly felt ashamed of myself.  I was hesitant to show my faith expressions in public for fear that my expressions will be repudiated by others, while there’s this man in front of me who is radical and shameless to express his heartfelt faith in exaltation. By whose faith do you think will God be moved?

I remember a story in the bible about a woman who is severely sick and when she heard that Jesus is in the neighbourhood, she immediately rushed outside wanting to see Jesus.

“A large crowd followed and pressed around him. And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, "If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed." Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering. At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, "Who touched my clothes?" "You see the people crowding against you," his disciples answered, "and yet you can ask, `Who touched me?' "But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering." (Luke 8:24-34)

I also remember the story of David when he danced in front of the arc of God.

“When David returned home to bless his household, Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet him and said, "How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, disrobing in the sight of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!"  David said to Michal, "It was before the LORD, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the LORD's people Israel—I will celebrate before the LORD. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor." (2 samuel 6: 20-22)

I felt tears have swelled around my eyes as I witness the man’s prayer.

I don’t know but maybe it’s the power of the Holy Spirit that prompted me, telling me to not be ashamed to boldly express my faith, to let go of needing people and their approval and to just radically surrender myself to Him.

Why can’t I be like this man? Not worried being seen in public outwardly praising God and not minding whether people around you appreciate it or not. What’s important is the relationship between God and you, it’s important that we don’t let anything or anyone hold us. If your faith is important to you, express it.  But don’t just let our mind and mouth do all the work. Allow your whole mind, body and soul to glorify Him and feel how powerful your prayer could become.

I looked up and behind as I could almost hear God’s voice in the background. He is asking me, “Can I hear your wonderful voice my son? My son can you sing for me?”

In my heart I wanted to sing “Ave Maria” because this is only gift that I can give to our dear Mother Mary but she knew I would change my mind and would give up my desire to express my gift because of my shyness. So she let the Holy Spirit come to comfort me and give me the strength to overcome my fears, to hold my hands and lead me to my heart’s desire and to step forward in faith.

My prayer switched up to the point of saying, ”Lord, whatever it takes I will sing a song to Mother Mary”.

I felt a bit under pressure. I continued my prayer but my heart is heavy. It felt heavier when another person entered the church. It’s our parish priest if it isn’t testing my courage. I thought, “Wow…If God wants you to do something, He will really let you know. He will wait for the perfect situation to show you what he wants you to learn and put you through a trial so you will remember.”

Finally I’ve gone through all the mysteries and came the part where I needed to sing. I need to make my song heard a little bit (even if my tune drives the two people away).

I have to sing for Mother Mary for her Birthday. I have to sing for Jesus for his wonderful mother, I have to sing for God for teaching me a lesson of good courage. I will sing praises to my Lord with all the faith in my heart, and in my own simple way reach out to glorify and give thanks to Him.

A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit.(Proverbs 15:13) 

"In Christ we are a new creation (2 Cor 5:17). As Christians we image Christ. We thus must seek to be more and more like Him. Being Christ-like is holiness, for Christ was the perfect example. Holiness is our universal vocation and our primary vocation embracing all other vocations." - Brendan Roberts, Genesis: The Purpose of Creation

If there’s unforgettable bad experience happen to us, we usually tend to close our self, distance our self to the people who hurt us, who makes our situation hard before.

We usually feel that our life seems lost, when our dream seems hard to get because of the people who made it not to happen, we feel so depress…

It seems our whole body doesn’t like to move freely, there’s a hesitation whether to move or not. In the end we no longer let our mind to think, our eyes to see, our ears to hear, we let our door close so no one can enter and ruin it again.

It takes me time, and lots of searching and waiting to be open again. When somebody flew his dove in my window, singing in there own tune. I wonder what the message of the tune, but one thing for sure I love hearing it. While hearing this tune, I felt relieve. I felt love and so much care inside. We just need to forgive, let forgiveness be on top, let God do the rest. Now I know who brought the bird to my window. It is God, our loving God. I remember the verse that I read in the bible says, “For God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” God knows what I’ve been through. He knows my heart well and he knows me.

Now I let my window open, so I can hear loud the tune of the dove, and feel the wind coming from the outside telling me not to be worried, because God is in your side. I guess the times come. I need to open my door again, ready to face all the odds in life. Whether good or bad, I no longer be worried because in my heart there is a calling, there is a purpose have to be done in my life.

Is there something that you’d really like to do, something that will make other people’s lives better, yet you don’t seem to have the courage to pursue them? You feel unsatisfied with your abilities and lack confidence. There is always something making you feel unworthy of achieving it. There’s no feeling of purpose; you see no reason for doing it.

If I could personally ask the apostles, saints and other servants who have gone before us how do they react when faced with these kinds of challenges and are in a situation of high emotional excitement?

Do they quickly act on the challenge and do anything they have to achieve it, or do they step back and think a hundred times before rushing into anything? 

Many of us are presented with the opportunity to make a difference in other people’s lives but only a few respond to this call. Many ignore their chances because of a number of reasons. They don’t have the time and resources and other work take higher priorities.

Fear is also a common reason for many. We are constantly worried about what other people may think, afraid of making changes. We fear of being thought a failure. Others simply feel they are inadequate, combined with lack of inspiration.

Inside a child’s mind are a lot of questions. We started asking them as soon as our little mind began to appreciate the things surrounding us. We seek adults who will tell us things even if we don’t fully understand what they are talking about. We started to question about the care and protection of our parents, who loves us, about something you heard and about places you’ve seen or imagined.

Then comes the stage when it’s not just about learning by being told anymore. We try to find answers to our questions. We explore and it’s driven from the inside. Every little thing catches our curiosity. Where did I come from? Why is my hair color black? Why do I have three brothers and no sister? Why can’t I have every toy I want? What causes the winds and why do trees grow big?  

As we grow up, we’re continually asking ourselves probing questions. Our questions are now tougher than it used to be and get us to discover for ourselves what is true for us and what we want. Sometimes we take it lightly and the answers make themselves known easily. 

But usually it takes time and a lot of searching and frustrations along the road. Maybe because some things just take time and a lot of maturity earned from life experiences before you can find answers that make sense of all this.

Because of painful past experiences and our questioning in life that remain unresolved we’ve learned to hold ourselves back. We become more careful especially when dealing with other people. We become too conscious of putting ourselves in a position of being used and our kindness abused and don’t want the feeling when people fail to live up to our expectations about them.

We develop fear in our hearts. Fear that our actions and wrong doings may prevent the love of God from reaching us. A fear that is holding us back from reaching out to help others and touching people’s lives, to spend time with them and encourage them. The emotion of fear becomes the core of our identity and constricts our capacity to live fully.

But you know what? Since childhood we have already developed the quality of courage within us. If we hadn’t we wouldn’t have been living the life we have today. We were born with an inquiring heart and courage to will and persevere regardless of what’s happening in our lives. We have this great sense of intellectual power since the time we began to ask and seek for answers. It takes a lot of courage to listen deeply and discover our hearts, and that’s what we’ve done.

We have the courage within us to live the life of our dreams.

We’ve got what it takes!

So what are you so worried about? Start building your plan. Whatever you can do, begin it. Give something that comes fully from your heart. Help in your own little way.  It’s the small things than can go a long way. Small changes can produce big results in the end.

If you’re in a position to make things happen, don’t let fear prevent you from doing something big. Most important,

have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to achieve.

And don’t forget think BIG

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will help you. I will uphold you with my victorious right hand.  Isaiah 41:10