Rexcalibur

It's because he's outside the Zeitgeist

Really, dream? come on man

studying The Mars Volta lyrics made it much easier to land on the right words and syntax needed in a particular situation. also reading dense shit that I barely have enough context to understand.

I have a problem

Everyone is 2 people. I'm a Slytherin and a Hufflepuff, which is a cheap and easy way to describe the basics of what I mean. I spent most of my life Hufflepuffing it up and denying my other self, but now that that part of me has finally died (finally; I'm a slow learner), there's room to nurture this whole other self that has been repressed for most of my life and has had no chance to grow until now I wonder if other people have similar experiences between the two halves of their brain. I feel like it's common enough. Repression is extremely fucking common, for one Like holy shit my two halves are so different. One of the most productive exercises I ever undertook was having 'Klavier' date 'Soren' I consciously would care for the needs of the other self, no matter who was active or dormant at the time. It was the beginning of learning how to take care of myself, to be kinder to myself, and to not let any one part of me get locked away in a box only to burst forth later in the form of some kind of mental breakdown or another. Everyone is 2 people. Both of them have to learn to work together! And if you're in a relationship, that's FOUR PEOPLE that are trying to understand and love one another. You HAVE to listen, be open minded and open hearted, and when in doubt, GIVE! if any relationship in this world is going to stand a chance

It's 2016 and I still don't have anywhere to put this shit Thank you to anyone who still follows me somehow

At least I'm skinny again, though. I've really been enjoying that. I'm not SKINNY skinny. There's a little room left to go. But I'm skinny enough that it's a comfort to me. And this is important to me

When I start feeling myself falling towards that familiar lonely place where no one can help me, I try to physically smile a whole bunch. A grin even? It feels weird at first but it can trick your brain into sending out positive signals It seems to result in me feeling more amused than sad, like...resigned, correct, toldyaso Way less physically damaging than self-hating stress. No idea about right or wrong here, but I feel that it really can't be wrong to at least fight, which is what putting on a huge grin feels like It's vaguely possible than I'm training myself to have a worse understand of real feelings by doing this. But as of this point, pre-foreseen and unsurprising emotions are pretty simple to deal with, and present no real problems

It's always the same problem at the root of it; I haven't been able to finish anything I start and so I hesitate to even try -- but hesitate isn't really the right word, it's more of a total brain fog, a blankness like nothing is firing, like no lights are on and I'm paralyzed in my own thoughts. I don't know why it's been getting so bad recently -- maybe too much time around lots of people, too many situations that remind me of where I stand in society. I'm not sure there's any hope for me as far as being successful or proving my worth to myself. I don't know how to just enjoy things for their own merit, I only can maintain interest when there is promise of a social connection or social recognition to come from it. But there's rarely enough drive behind even those ideas to keep going with anything for more than a certain length of time. Eventually everything just melts into that blank paralyzing space from which no thoughts or feelings or movement can escape

WOW I'M INSANELY DEPRESSED LATELY, WOW

Self confidence isn't very prevalent today I'm not sure I'm the kind of person that can be successful or accomplish any of these pipe dream goals I see myself improving slowly, but I'm still nowhere near a level where I can even bullshit a resume or portfolio It all feels futile, and pointless, and like a whole lot of hours thrown at goals I don't have the wherewithal to actually reach. I'm not certain I have any inherent value as a person

Am I worth that little? Am I such a struggle that a single empathetic moment is too much to bear? I guess feelings and empathy aren't real enough? Do you need something more pressing than my personal breaking point, reaching out to someone I care about?