Two feet and a heartbeat

As of today, January 1, 2020, I am officially unemployed. It’s not ideal, but it is a choice I made with the help of my doctor and my family. It’s not permanent. I am actively searching for a job. 

I knew when I went on stress leave in October that it was highly unlikely I would return to my job. I was using the time to untangle a lot of things going on inside my head. My doctor prescribed Zoloft to help with the anxiety, which has done worlds of good for me. And I was keeping an eye out for job opportunities. Unfortunately, it wasn’t really the best time of year to be looking, being so close to the holidays and all.

My work friend texted to check in on me this morning and let me know that people are saying things they shouldn't be saying. I mean, the truth is I have no intention of going back there ever, approved leave or not. But that's some garbage. Nothing is approved yet. If anything, they should be saying that my return date is currently undetermined.

Also, this time off to relax has been anything but relaxing. Since I've been forced to request a leave from work and use FMLA, it's been some new shit every day.

Also, also I live pretty close to where I work and I had to drive there the other day when I taking my sister somewhere and just driving by made my stomach hurt. I wasn't even going there. I wasn't even by myself. But just being near that place made me feel sick.

But it turns out I have to request a leave of absence. Apparently that it is company policy. I don't know at what point a doctor can no longer excuse you from work. So this time off to stop stressing is just being filled with more stress. It's fucking fantastic. I'm having a great time.

She asked me to remind her what I do and I told her I'm and administrative assistant and that it shouldn't be this bad. She told me not to say that. She said stress is a feeling brought on when we have too many responsibilities and not enough resources. She started asking me questions about the company I work for and how long I've been there and if I see myself there long term. I told her I am looking to leave.

She asked me what I was looking for. Did I want therapy? Medication? I told her I didn't know. I started crying again and I said the only thing I could think of. I told her I just knew I didn't want to go back there. After I got myself together, I asked her, with what I had told her about the situation, if she thought medication would help, at least for the short term while I'm looking for a new job.

She said she wants to hold off on meds, which is great. I don't really want any more meds if they aren't absolutely necessary. She said she's going to take me out of work for a week. During that week, she wants me to get some sleep, spend time with friends, eat well, do things that are good for me. Take care of myself. Then in a week, go back and see her and we will reassess, talk about possible meds if necessary. She said she is willing to put me on FMLA while I look for a new job if that's what we need to do, and that she thinks it's absolutely for the best that I get out of there.

When I told her a couple weeks ago that I was overwhelmed, she told me I needed to work faster.

A cup of coffee. Not a pot of coffee so the man could get his own cup of coffee.

Weekly overtime.