Reo’s Cave

Some Queer Pirates in: Hungry Halloween Adventure

[A SHIP sails across the open ocean. It has been on the water for far too long and the crew is hungry and sick. They spot LAND.]

CREWMATEY: Yarr, there be land, lubbers!!

[Camera pans to two sad gay pirates in each other’s embrace. They look to where CREWMATEY is pointing and brighten up]

[The SHIP sails toward the shore, but it stops before it can reach the ISLAND. A large green VINE-LIKE TENTACLE bursts through the palm trees and reaches for the SHIP.]

CAP’N: Looks like this land’s puttin’ up a fight, lads. Give that big green heathen your all, Pappy needs solid land for his tai chi!

[The CREW fights the VINETACLE. They swing swords and light bombs. One PIRATE gets grabbed by the VINETACLE and is waved around. A snap is heard and the PIRATE stops struggling. The VINETACLE freezes for a moment, then speeds back to land.]

CAP’N: YARRRR! WHERE DOES THAT FOUL BEAST THINK IT’S TAKING PETER?!

[On the shore, EMERGENCY MEDICAL PERSONNEL rush to the unresponsive PETER. The VINETACLE lets go and allows the EMTS to do their work.]

CAP’N: Huh. ?   ?  ?!?!???!?!?!!? NO TIME TO QUESTION IT, LADS, WE MUST PUSH ON!

[The SHIP sails up to the shore and drops anchor. CREW disboards and rushes onto the land. A large PUMPKIN makes its way through the trees, pushing them aside with large VINETACLES.]

CAP’N: YAR, THE FIGHT’S NOT OVER!

[CAP’N points his cutlass at PUMPKIN.]

PUMPKIN: [corporate gay voice] Woah, woah, fun’s over, buddies. We’ve gotta take care of your friend over there. We don’t want a lawsuit on our hands, now, do we?

[CREW is fucking confused.]

PUMPKIN: Listen, I loved your commitment to the scene! [PUMPKIN gestures with his VINETACLES] We feed off of your energy and it makes the Halloween Island experience better for everyone! But we really nee-

CAP’N: Wait just a moment there, Gourdo. What do you mean, –

[PUMPKIN interrupts CAP’N this time.]

PUMPKIN: Are you calling me fat :(

CAP’N: What? No, no. Yer a gourd, right? Bein’ a pumpkin n’ all? It’s just a little nickname, I meant nothin’ mean by it.

PUMPKIN: Ok :(

CREWMATE: [whispering] Good save, Cap’n

CAP’N: [whispering] Thank you, thank you. [normal voice] What do you mean, Halloween Island?

PUMPKIN: You’ve heard of Easter Island, right?

CAP’N: Yeah?

PUMPKIN: Halloween Island.

CAP’N: That isn’t much of an explanation.

[EMTS wave down PUMPKIN]

PUMPKIN: I’m being called excuse me

[PUMPKIN rushes off. CAP’N crosses his arms]

CAP’N: Think this place is on Pirate Yelp?

CREWMATEY: Let me check my Pirate Phone.

CREWMATE: If it is, we should give it one Pirate Star! [He seems far too proud of this joke]

[CAP’N and CREWMATEY look at CREWMATE]

CREWMATEY: What is that?

CAP’N: You can’t just put the word “pirate” in front of something and expect it to make sense, lad.

[CREWMATE hangs his head dejectedly]

[Meanwhile, EMTS tell PUMPKIN that PETER is dead.]

PUMPKIN: Oh dear Gourd. They are so going to rate us one Pirate Star on Pirate Yelp.

[FADE TO BLACK]

[FADE TO EVERYONE DOING TAI CHI ON THE BEACH AS CREDITS ROLL. PETER’S CORPSE LIES LIMP ON THE GROUND]