don't worry, darling

2024 started with red bull winning the first races so everyone was like ok lads pack it up its max's again 👍 but then the car decided to become Evil and the mclaren got upgraded into a rocketship. suddenly british press were wetting themselves at the thought of Lando Norris World Champion. lando was also wetting himself for possibly unrelated reasons. max won a few races on account of being Him but then went on a Looong streak of zero wins which was deeply stressful for his fans.

then comes the COTA-Mexico-Brazil triple header. at COTA max puts on such an incredible defensive masterclass he forces lando to overtake illegally and get a penalty so that max finished ahead of him. this resulted in everyone Losing Their Shit and crying about "clean racing".

max heard all of that, said "bet" and went Double or Nothing at Mexico by deliberating fucking with lando. this resulted in max getting a 20-second penalty because the stewards wanted to look tough, but really just gave max the chance to show off a very sexy comeback drive. and he got what he was working for: lando didn't win the race. afterwards, everyone lost their shit again and failed to comprehend that max fully meant to do that, it was not an accident or loss of control or temper.

going into brazil, everyone was asking: can max verstappen drive?

sprint race: car goes off track and hangs out there for a long time while the stewards wait to throw up any flags until it benefits lando. then they give max a penalty + penalty point for exceeding the delta during a safety car period. they have not given anyone else a penalty point for the same infraction since, if I recall correctly.

quali is postponed until sunday because of the rain, so it promises to be one hell of a long day. and max will be starting with a new power unit, meaning he's starting at least 5 places down from wherever he qualifies. quali is a mess all around and includes a very inconveniently timed red flag (very similar to the sprint race with very different reactions) meaning max qualifies p12, which then becomes p17.

he then pulls off the race of the gods. a race so good people compared him to jesus. a race so good lewis hamilton recognized it. a race so good even the british press ate their words. a race so good lando norris had a full on crisis online and liked hate comments about himself. a race so good pierresteban reunited.

and then vegas: max finishes exactly where he needs to in order to secure the wdc. he then gets visibly drunk in every interview they have him do, and he is never without a drink in hand. he calls out zak brown on sky sports with his whole chest and pours hefty vodka red bulls with reporters. he drinks all night and eventually makes his way to qatar, stopping on the way to pick up his mother and sister so they can have a mini vacation together and he can look silly in the water.

qatar. max gets pole. the red bull, for the first time in months, looks strong in the dry. and then george russell bitches so hard in the steward's room post-quali that max is given a penalty which had never been given before and which has never been given since: a 1-place grid penalty for driving "unnecessarily slowly" on a cool-down lap during quali. george claimed he was impeded. I claim he was a fucking loser.

the race takes place the next day and max, from p2, lines up with his nose pointed almost directly at p1 (george). he is either taking the lead or he's taking them both out. he takes the lead and wins the race. george finishes p4. gp, on the radio, says "you weren't driving unnecessarily slowly today" because he is petty and holds many grudges. in the post-race media, max is asked about the situation with george. the other podium sitters giggle. they certainly know something. max takes a beat and then gets mad - something we very rarely see from max. he says he has never seen someone act the way george did in the steward's room. he says he cannot respect it when someone acts one way in front of the cameras and another way in private. he all but calls george a two-faced snake.

going into abu dhabi, george's reputation is in the pits. people have been laughing at him for a week straight. his strategy is, of course, the media.

THURSDAY: george gets in front of sky sports, asks ted kravitz to please mention max to him. when ted obliges, george gives his now infamous teary speech. he is thinking pr is HIS game, and he will exploit it to make people hate max to his advantage. toto is behind him and takes almost no time to say "george's opinions are his own and do not reflect the opinion of myself or mercedes as a whole". he's probably texting max about yacht plans. max says very little about george in the media because that was a whole week ago why would he care? that evening, the drivers dinner. as more of them arrive, they think it will be funny to make max and george sit next to each other, so they leave space. max arrives first, sits down, thinks its funny. when george arrives, max smiles at him and greets him. george takes the available chair and moves it all the way to the other end of the table. no one is laughing. while this is happening, the media is absolutely frothing at the mouth to be the first to get max's response to george's comments. they want to know: max, how do you feel about george calling you a bully and a bad person? max, do you think you're evil?

FRIDAY: before fp1, max and kelly post an instagram picture. the world recalibrates. someone on reddit asks "can he drive if he's pregnant?" and someone screenshots that and posts in on tumblr, tags it #max verstappen. I wake up in a different timezone, see that post, go "haha yeah maxpreg" and reblog. then I open instagram and realize that comment was actually about max. because baby is officially on the way. george russell is now officially the guy who said all that shit about dad-to-be max verstappen. what the hell, george? that's so rude, george. why would you say that, george? he's PREGNANT, george.