Renata Writes

My life has been a 50 year demonstration that when you think it can’t get any worse, it can. But, honestly, I really can’t believe it can get any weirder than it is right now.

We shouldn’t go anywhere, but everyone is at the market. I went to Lowe’s and Albertson’s yesterday and thought how odd that people have no problem with doing those things but the museums and parks we often spend our…

At the beginning of the year I thought I might try to implement a few new things into my life. I’d use a daily tracker, a bit like people do in a BuJo, and keep myself on target to make these things a part of my routine.

I should never make lists like that in the middle of a school break when I have lots of time. You’d think I would have learned that by now. I had far too many things, about…

The new school term is upon us–or maybe just me. The kids went back to school yesterday. I go back to work on Thursday. That is when my test begins.

Thursday is our first training session. Unlike the sessions that occur during the term this one is not three hours. It is eight. The thought of eight hours in a room full of people I am expected to interact with is enough to get my anxiety to take…

Sometimes I wonder if my view about the serious nature of our society’s continued devaluation of children is unrealistic. Maybe I really should be like everyone else and just live as if it is one of those things that everyone knows about but no one talks about. I’m serious. This is not sarcasm. It would make my life so much easier if I could somehow convince myself that the things I’ve seen and…

Marc Chagall, Les Fleurs Saccagees (The Trampled Flowers)

Imagine that you are a boy, the age is ambivalent, but you are old enough to understand everything that is happening around you, yet young enough that you should not be alone at your mother’s bedside as she is dying. Your father, who is very much still alive, should be there. He isn’t though, because your mother didn’t want him around…

I think it is important when recovering from abusive relationships and trying to restart your life, that you find out who you really are as opposed to who the abuse made you into. Sometimes we can go back to our childhood and consider what we think we remember we were. Sometimes, our childhood is so traumatized, we are indistinguishable from the abuse. That is the case of most child abuse…

For several days I have had this weird feeling. I hesitate to say for certain, but I think the feeling is called normal. It’s hard for me to know. I’ve never felt normal. But this is how I’ve imagined it must feel.

I do not know what caused it. I feel as if I haven’t done anything different lately. It could be a new vitamin I’m taking that apparently has fish oil. I have used fish oil before,…

Since I was a young child I have always been told to be something else, or that I was something I wasn’t. And since I was a young child I’ve been trying to keep the voices that were telling me those things happy by doing what they said.

I was too quiet, so I tried to be louder. Now I’m too loud and they tell me to shut up.

I didn’t eat enough to keep a bird alive so I shoved the food down…

This Time Next Week

On Wednesday of next week, I will register for the spring term. I have my courses picked out and all would be well if not for the sudden thought that I can be done faster if I only drop the Bio major and pursue English.

When I go for my Masters, it will be in English. When I work, it will be doing that sort of work. But, mainly, doing just the English means I am done by next year. I can, if I…

So Much for That

I think what bothers me the most about my current situation is that my kids are the actual problem. It bothers me because I pretty much am always thinking of them. I think of things we can do that they will enjoy, I think of things that will help them do better or have a better chance.

Like a lot of parents, most of the decisions I make are centered around them. I haven’t had a problem with…

An epic story is noted by certain themes. One of those themes is: person fights bad, person defeats bad, person celebrates, all hell breaks loose, repeat.

My life is an epic story in which there is a Red Wedding about once a week. Today’s Red Wedding was infinitely more destructive than the last. How I will get through this…

School closed today. This was not a holiday, it was a potential fire hazard day. Welcome to SoCal autumn.

On the one hand, it was good because I was struggling with the lab we were supposed to start today. It’s 22 pages and I don’t feel prepared in the least for it. My labmate and I were texting information back and forth when we received the notification.

On the other hand, this throws me…

When this school term began, about a million years ago, I had planned to post something about it each week. Then, at the beginning of week 3, all hell broke loose and that obviously wasn’t going to happen.

It’s been a month since the house was fumigated. It’s been less than a week since I discovered several bites all over my legs and panicked. Fortunately, they were probably only mosquitos.…

A few weeks ago, I thought I was nearly done with school. I thought I would be finished by the end of the 20-21 school year and that we’d all happily transition to life in SLO at the beginning of J’s high school journey.

Technically, meaning “on paper,” I could do it. 15 units per term with two classes next summer, and I could graduate in a year and a half.

Unfortunately, “on paper” ignores…

There is an unwritten, unintended implication in literature across the ages regardless its source: Everyone, everywhere, through all time, is the same. That sounds like a simplification, but that’s only because we believe that each of us is unique. We do not believe so because we have been taught through some religion or some education program in our childhood. We believe we are unique because…

I’ve never had that “Yesterday” The Beatles sang about. There never was a day for me when things were just carefree and ordinary. My life has been chaos and a mess since the day I was born. My life’s been more of a “Born in the USA” kinda thing.

Yet, for some unknown reason, when something bad hits out of the blue, I am still caught off guard. I can tell I am because my reaction is my usual…

How far have you come? Do you think about that? We tend to focus on the future, but the future is unknown. It’s just a huge smudge in the distance. The only recognizable features in the future are the ones we pretend to see.

The past is permanent, for good or ill. It is unchanging. In fact, it’s the only thing that doesn’t change. Everything that happened to us is forever and we can’t…