reliantnavigatorabel:
“Cain!” Somehow using his given name felt better than using the name he was born with in that moment. Even though Ethan could tell just how desperate Alexei was trying to get his point across, he wasn’t so sure he could accept it just yet. “If that’s true then why did I have to find out from someone else?”
That hurt him more than knowing he had been reason Alexei had been shot or that he had been the one that had nearly blown them up when they crashed the Reliant. “Why couldn’t you tell me? You could have told me… maybe… this wouldn’t hurt so much…”
Curling into himself his hands relaxed from the fists they’d been in to gripping tightly at his own sleeve and chest. Truth was he had fallen for Alexei and it had hurt so much to find everything out not from his fighter, not to find out from the one person he felt he could be himself around without any question.
Ethan didn’t want to give up on them but he couldn’t bring himself to let this go just yet either.
The way Ethan was fighting back, pushing… it was everything he had not to succumb to the defeat that gripped his chest. No, he couldn’t let it win. Ethan, he was WORTH it, worth fighting for. He couldn’t give up, had to make him understand any way he could.
But hearing his task name from the other’s lips and not his real name… that was a blow.
“You want the truth?” he sighed, finally pulling his gaze away. He was ashamed, that much was certain. “I… I hoped we’d succeed and that would be it. Everything would work out and there wouldn’t be any reason to tall ya. It WAS working too, even after I realized this was more than just a mission to me, that you friggin’ meant more to me than this damned mission.”
Running a frustrated hand through his hair, he turned his attention out the great window of the observation deck. “Plus, you… you have to realize, there was a lot on the line for me here. They dragged me outta prison in New Volga, promised to make my record go away, promised me my life back, if this worked. I had to play ball or I lost everything, and tellin’ ya the truth… well you’re a smart guy, you can put two and two together.”
Turning back, vulnerable, coal eyes fell on his navigator. “Can ya tell me that you would’ve let me anywhere near ya if ya knew the truth?”
Tears fell from his eyes and at first Ethan couldn’t figure out why. But the truth of the matter was, in the short time they’d spent together and even right after being given their task names. He had fallen for the man standing before him. Truth was he wasn’t perfect either, he’d run from home to join the Alliance.
“I..I don’t know what I would have done... sure I could have run away again. But what would that have done? Running from the only place that actually felt like...home...” Ethan knew the exact reason why he didn’t know what he’d have done if he had learned the truth from Alexei himself.
“I ran away from home because I couldn’t handle felling like I was trapped, caged like a songbird.”
Taking a deep breath he had to calm himself down. Had to think clearly, stop taking out his frustrations out on his fighter. “I don’t know what I should do anymore...” Stormy gray eyes closed tightly and he rubbed at his eyes like a child who had been sobbing. “I...I don’t know, and I hate myself for not knowing because I’d fallen for you too.”
