big dawg

girl.help I'm locked out

Alexa, give them hell.

Getting myself excited for work by saying "flowchart? we can make a flowchart??" like you would say "treat? ... you want a treat??" to a dog

my hips just keep getting wider and my ass just keeps getting fatter. this is my curse.

wish there was a feature to speed up the process of getting to know someone by letting them physically walk around my mind like an interactive science museum

tits sitting heavy this morning

they should invent great love that isn't accompanied by great sorrow

hey google, how do I drink without having to piss every 2 seconds?

I was put on this earth to be sassy, not a people pleaser. now for my next act I will try to say no when someone asks me to do something

and for my next trick, I will try to get out an entire statement without stuttering or restarting my sentence. 3 2 1 GO

a 9 to 5 wouldn't be so bad if it involved serving more cunt

missing my therapist heavy right now