Rebuild Daily Bugle

“After discovering that Storm and Maximoff were entangled romantically, rumor has it that Barton -- aka Hawkeye -- used powers he received from the Power Swap to superspeed Storm to Florida. He then returned to the city, with one less Fantastic Four member. Was Barton looking out for a fellow team member -- or acting out of jealousy? Maybe ‘Clintasha’ isn’t as solid as it seems.” 

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Arachnophobia or Awakening? 

An Editorial by J. Jonah Jameson

I would like to address some of the ‘hate-mail’ I have received over the past few weeks. While these attacks on my character are clearly a misguided attempt by the woefully ignorant youth of this city to defend the public menace known as “Spiderman” and his little infestation of spider “heroes,” it behooves me to address them. Publicly and definitively. 

Yesterday, I discovered a spider clinging to the ceiling of my office, spinning a beautiful web. I allowed that web to remain, and gave strict instructions to all Bugle staff not to disturb it. Why? Because that spider is spinning its web for a purpose. That spider is an important part of the eco-system of our city, and the greater world at large. 

That, my friends, is where this spider differs from the “super” spiders that plague our city. I am not an “arachnophobe,” I am an awoke man! I say “awoke,” of course, because it is grammatically correct. Millennials are cringing as they read this article, and to them I say – stop killing the grammar industry! It’s bad enough they’ve decimated Applebees and the fabric softener industry, is nothing safe from their reign of entitlement?

“Spiderman” and his “friends,” are dangers to this city. They are not a part of a delicate eco-system, they are a mockery of the very systems that keep this city afloat! Unchecked, despite Peter Parker’s “tragic” unmasking, they run rampant through this city and leave nothing but destruction in their wake. They do not spin beautiful webs to catch other insects, they spin webs of lies. Like the lie that they truly want to help our city. If they want to help, they would hang up their ridiculous masks – yes, even Jessica Drew, the head of the New Panel. Can we truly trust a woman so obviously and closely associated with little more than common criminals? 

I trust in our police force. I trust in the systems that have kept our city running despite alien invasions, buildings collapsing (at the fault of the very man so many young people call “hero!”), rampant destruction, deaths in the streets! Our police force has never let us down. While some superheroes have proven they can be trusted, thanks to the Registration Act and their willing unmasking, these “super” spiders have proven nothing. I say it is high time our city fumigates! Not out of fear, but love for this great city. If we hope to see a day when New York can once again prosper, we will squash these insects.

@outlawunderahood