Brain

I have no answer.

Para akong nalulunod. Nassuffucate. Nasasakal. It's almost midnight and I feel empty. Yung dating mga nagbibigay sigla sa buhay ko wala na. Hindi ko na maramdaman. Sa kalagitnaan ng araw araw ko bigla lang ako tatahimik, pupunta sa cr iiyak. Every. damn. day.

Di ko na maintindihan buhay ko. Di ko na nga ramdam buhay ko actually. I feel dead inside. Yung tipo na come what may, cge lang. Mabuti man o hindi wala lang. It's so easy to fake a smile, a laugh, and put on this façade as if I have my life together.

Every day I imagine saying my farewells to the people that matter to me the most. I try to keep it lowkey para hindi halata. Ang gago ng utak ko. Whenever I think of saying my good byes, yung feeling nung nalulunod or nassuffucate nawawala. It's like my own head is trying to push me over the edge.

I sit here on this chair thinking onti na lang, onti na lang talaga. Pero hindi pa ngayon, kapit lang hanggang kaya. But I can't help that feeling of emptiness. Bukas gigising ako, panibagong umaga, same feelings pa rin.

I try to reach out to the friends na feeling ko maccomfort ako. But to no avail. Wala nalabas sa bibig ko kundi puro kagaguhan na. When it comes to the real matter nga nga, deny. Ayoko isipin nila na ang drama ko and dapat iinom ko lang yan.

I’ve always wanted to become a professor. 

I was on the phone with my mom discussing my plan to take my Masters this year. My mom knows that I’ve always wanted to become a professor, and that she isn’t too keen on me working. I have always been a pampered and sheltered child. Whereas I, there has always been a little rebel in me. 

My mom wanted me to take my masters here in the Philippines so I could teach instantly. I on the other hand wanted to work first. To build my credibility. Then my mom dropped a bomb that triggered me. In the phrase “other professors in universities doesn’t even have a work experience. Why can’t you?” in short, she wants me to take the easy way of achieving my dream.

I don’t want to become a professor if it means that I have no credibility, if it means that I have to cheat my way in. Yes cheat, because it is indeed a fact that there are people in the world of academe that has no proper work experience in the field that they are teaching. I may have been a lazy student back when I was still studying, but I know the difference between a professor who knows the ins and the outs of the hospitality industry, compared to those who only know the ins and the outs of a book.

It is horribly frustrating to sit in a room with a professor who knows nothing about what he or she is discussing. I don’t want to be like that. I want to be able to get the respect that I deserve when I teach. Because there will always be a student who’s more experienced than you if it so happens that you cheat your way in the academe.