Chronicles of Metamorphosis

Tapos yung mga panahong naiintindihan kita, yung panahon sige ako na mag-eeffort kasi para satin naman un. Sinalamin nun yung noong ika'y nilalamig ako yung init. Kapag takot sa bukas ako yung unang sisilip. Kasi baka nasa weak point ka lang. Naisip ko un ung panahon na baka mas kailangan mo kong maging malakas para sa’yo. Kaya ayon nga sa kanta Ginawa ko nang lahat pero ito nga, mukang hindi parin sapat kasi ika’y mawawala na (at nawala ka na nga).

Hindi ko nga alam kung ikaw lang ang nawalan ng gana o talagang ung tadhana ang nawalan ng gana sating dalawa eh. Nanlamig na ung dati namang nagbabaga.

Hindi ko maisip kasi kung san at kelan ba tayo nagsimulang magkaganun. Kaya ayon nga kay Quest...

Kung maibabalik lang sana Titiisin ko na kahit paulit ulit Tapos pipilitin ko na di maulit

Sana mas inintindi pa kita. Sana mas naghintay pa ko, baka nga siguro may inilalaan kang panahon para sakin pero hindi pa nung panahon na ‘yun. Wala eh. Nakakabaliw rin pala maghintay kaya siguro naging demanding na ko. Kaya nga siguro nasulyapan mo ang ating dulo. Yung akala kong walang hanggan biglang nagkaron ng dulo.

At ito na si Quest. Tuluyan nang sinabi ang reyalidad ko.

Bawat segundo saking puso iuukit Lahat ng alalala aking iguguhit Para makalimutan mong may dulo Ang sabi mo walang hanggan pero eto tayo sa dulo

Sobrang dami kong tanong (magpasahanggang ngayon). Saan nga ba ko nagkulang? Bakit tayo umabot sa ganito? Bakit nga ba tayo nagkaron ng dulo? Kung pwede lang pakisagot lahat ng bakit. Kailangan ko lang malinawan. Bakit ganyan? Bakit ganyan? Pero wala akong sagot na nakuha. Ang tanging nakuha ko lang ay yung pag gising ko, wala na kong dapat pang alalahanin o intindihin kasi wala na pala.

Sobrang sakit. Iindahin ko ang sakit na gumuguhit. Ngingiti sa likod ng luhang pumupunit.

Sinubukan ko na namang sagipin ang lahat. Pero nasulyapan mo yung dulo. Yung sabi mo walang hanggan, bat merong dulo?

Kaya wala. Nandito na ko sa parte ng kanta na..

Wag ka munang tumalikod Bumalik ka muna dito Padampi kahit anino Ayokong mag isa dito Wala na bang bisa aking dalangin Tinataboy na ba ng langit Nakikiusap nalang sa hangin Ngayong wala ka na sa akin Bakit ba biglang meron tayong dulo Pangako mo walang hanggan Bakit nandyan ka sa dulo Pwede bang kalimutan mong may dulo Handa ako sa walang hanggan Pangako mo walang hanggan Akala ko walang hanggan Pero eto tayo sa dulo

Yung pakiramdam na handa naman ako magtali pa ng lubid sa naputol nating walang hanggan. Nandito lang ako, baka kasi sakaling gusto mo kong balikan kasi naiwan mo lang yata ako. Ilang buwan na kong nandito sa ating dulo, nandito pa rin ako. Yung sakit gumuguhit pa rin. Yung ngiti ko baka di na maitago ung luhang pumupunit pa rin. Ikaw yung librong hindi ko maibaba. Ikaw pa rin ang aking paborito. Itanong mo kahit sino. Pagmasdan mo ang ngiti (at luha) ko, ikaw ang dahilan. 

Nga pala, may bagong kanta si Quest. Unang Hakbang. Tungkol un sa unang hakbang palayo sa dulo ng walang hanggan. Hindi pa ko dun handa. Ayoko pa. Ayoko pa humakbang palayo sa dulo natin. Ayoko pang gawin yung unang hakbang palayo sa’yo. Hindi ko pa kayang sabihing ayoko na dito, sawa na ko dito. Hindi pa panahon para pwede na kong sumuko, dito na lang sa dulo. Maganda yung kanta na yan, pero hindi ko pa yan kanta. Wala pa ko jan. Takot pa kong umusad. Dito lang ako.

Nandito lang ako sa rehas ng ating dulo.

rdrrn

In every single day that God has blessed me, I confess that somehow I commit this mistake of not appreciating every single thing that I’ve got. Like it starts from the moment I wake up and it’s as if I always expect that every single day I’m going to wake up. Often times, I neglect to say even a simple “Thank You Lord for this another day” as if it’s programmed on my system that after several hours of sleep, my body clock would eventually wake me up. I regret to admit that this even ends with going off to bed without even saying “Lord God, thank You for giving me this day to live.”

And so with my everyday life I think God made ways so that life could punch me with this ‘appreciation’ phenomena.

The first it hit me was when I passed my board exam. Never did I imagine myself being a community nurse. But since the exams are over and the waiting (for the exam results) game begins, my mother encouraged me to volunteer just so I could pass the time of anxieties of the upcoming result. And so, I did.

August 23, 2012 I am officially a Registered Nurse. So as I could give back more, I decided to stay a little longer as a community nurse.

And that’s when I started to realize I’m one lucky b*tch.

I’ve seen the extremes of hunger and poverty. I’ve seen those far from health services (where we conduct medical assistance weekly) and to them we are ‘angels’ sent by God. My life has been touched by those children who wore nothing but their worn out shirts and slippers from walking kilometers distance just so they could fall in line for the services we give. Some might say that those families gave me nothing but their crops as token of appreciation for the service that I gave from volunteering to that mission but for me, they gave me something that I couldn’t have learned if I haven’t met them - appreciation and gratitude. Not that I don’t have these two but those families gave me the depth of it. I love how fulfilling it was seeing them run after the van we rode after the mission just to continually thank us for dropping by their area.

After a year of being a public health nurse, I decided to venture the area I always love to be in - hospital, Emergency Department.

At first, I tried to become a part of Skyline Hospital and Medical Center. I didn’t fail. I passed every exam and every training they gave us as their pioneer nurses but truth be told, no one dares to wait forever for its opening.

And so I run to ask God, ‘where would you want me to go?’

I decided to continue my professional development by enrolling myself to Master’s Degree (which I’m still currently fighting a battle at) and waited for God’s Perfect Time.

Not so long after, God gave me His blessing of journey. I became a part of Grace General Hospital (and still currently am). After three months of training, I’m right where I always wanted to be - Emergency Department.

I couldn’t thank God more because He gave me what always have been my heart’s desire but as a sinful child of God, I still often neglect gratifying Him for everything He has blessed me.

And so He continually showed me His miracles right in front of eyes, in my every single shift in the ER.

One was when a man was rushed to us unresponsive, assessed to be death on arrival. His wife was already crying, and all we could do is the thing we do best - save lives. Upon preparation of intubation set, and upon the first attempt to intubate, the patient suddenly “woke up.” The kind of waking up that people do when they’ve had the worst nightmare. The first thing he said was ‘Nasaan ako?’ and honestly the first thing I said was ‘heaven is for real’. Not all has the chance to witness a miracle like that and I’ve got to witness one.

There’s also this one man (a patient of mine) came in to ER due to difficulty of breathing. Low oxygen saturation noted so an intubation was performed. Upon several management and monitoring, patient became stable. At around 4 am-ish, the patient can already follow command although the ET tube still cannot be removed. And as I was assessing the patient at around 5:30 am-ish (getting ready for a detailed endorsement to next shift), his daughter came. They had this one-way father-daughter conversation (since the patient couldn’t talk due to ET tube, I instructed his daughter to talk to his father by asking him questions that could only be answered by yes or no so the patient could simply nod for a yes and shake his head for a no) and I was there watching them as I do my ambu bagging - feeling glad to have witness that kind of scene, feeling even glad to have saved another life. But little did I know that the next thing about to happen was about to change mine.

Daughter: Oh Pa, magpagaling ka agad jan ha. Para matanggal na yang nasa bibig mo. Father: *nods Daughter: Bilisan mo magpagaling pa. Aattend ka pa sa graduation ko. Father: *nods with tears on his eyes

All I could do in that instant moment was to look away so that my tears won’t run off my face. There I was listening to that very conversation and I couldn’t help but think about my dad. So as soon as I arrived home from that shift, I took a bath and hugged my dad so tight and from that moment I’ve been very thankful to have the warmest family I could ever have.

My point here is every day we are actually given a chance to appreciate and be thankful for every single thing and every single people we have in our lives. Whether they are family or friends or past friends or even those who hurt us or those who challenge us or even those who question our abilities and strengths, all of them are blessings. They’re always a part of what made us who we are right now. Even that person who lend you a seat on a bus while you were standing, or the driver of the jeep you rode on your way home, or that cashier on your canteen. Every single one of them are God’s blessing. Everything we have in our lives are blessings - our shelter, our home, our assets and even our liabilities. Even our past mistakes, they are blessings.

What I’m trying to say is that we must learn to appreciate things for what they are or people for who they are. We should always be thankful for what life hands us. It makes a big difference seeing things on a positive perspective. At least, we must be able to see things in our lives that really matters most. And for the least, those people who matter should at least know that you appreciate them and you are thankful for having them in your life.

Sometimes, we know exactly what we have but we tend to take things for granted just because we overlook the possibility that we might lose them one day. So treasure the life you are living. Don’t miss the chance of being amazed just by being appreciative and thankful.