razzle&dazzle.

Ookay, so If we start from the beginning this will make more sense. So basically,  6 months ago I cut off all connections with my mother. Not in a young attempt to rebel, but in a mournful, feet don’t fail me now kind of way. We were never the closest, but our relationship had gone super south. By the end she had left me with no car, no where to live, no money, and no way to get to school or work. In her own words, “Let your boyfriend support you”. (Living with my boyfriend at the time was not the best option, but I’ll explain that to you later.) With my current roommate saying “I’m moving back home, find somewhere to go”, & my mother saying “You’re not welcome home”, I had no choice but to move in with my boyfriend. This meant moving into a 3 bedroom, 2 bath home in a pretty decent neighborhood & at first I was excited. This would be rough living with Matt so soon, but we could make it work. There was a huge back yard with a 10 ft. deep swimming pool with a diving board. Practically heaven for a bunch of 20 somethings. & I say a bunch because it wasn't just the two of us. Two of Matt’s friends, a 3 year old little girl, and a giant wolf puppy. All in one house with one broken bathroom & a broken dishwasher. After about 2 months of straight partying, Matt & I got our own place. I was super sad because I didn't have time to decorate everything for Halloween, my absolute fave.       Our new place is a teeny tiny one bedroom apartment. The two of us, Maya the dog, & Theophilus London the cat. Even though its the second cheapest apartments in the entire city, it feels good doing this on our own. It feels great, actually. But when all of this went down, I didn't feel the same way. I’ve always had a hint of anxiety in my life, but it became paralyzing. & then depression unloaded on me like a truck bed full of elephant poo. It has taken up until just yesterday to begin to pick myself up out of this funk, but I still have a lot of progress to make. Basically, I don’t remember what it’s like to feel free. I don’t remember what it’s like to not have a heavy heart, or to not have three or four trains of thought going at once until I get so overwhelmed it makes me dizzy. I have no clue what peace feels like. & because I have lost my peace, I have lost the best qualities about myself. I lost my Razzle Dazzle & I’ve gotta get it back.         

This is bullshit. I’m going to bed.

This is day 1 of trying to recover my razzle dazzle. Last night (or I guess today, because its 5:57 AM & I stayed up all night drinking) I tried yoga for the first time & I fell face-first into love with a spell full of downward dogs and finding my inner balance as well as the meditation music that I’ve hated for so long. So in attempt to actually be able to “wake up” at 6 am for yoga and start this routine, I forced myself to stay up all night. It wasn’t too difficult. After all 2 hours ago I was drunk on Fireball & Strawberritas. I also had my first cigarette in about..well, since last weekend. Now it’s 6:02 & I’m still in bed shoving my boyfriend back into his side of the bed, & sitting uncomfortably as i try to finish typing this very sentence. Time for oatmeal, weights, squats, yoga, bath, grocery shopping, and cleaning. I always save cleaning for last- then it never its done. Okay, Cleaning after yoga, and before bath. The whole house. Goodbye my loves.