CHANNEL 16: BRAT

host: zariae

frequency: unstable

output: emotional interference + daily transmissions

CHANNEL 16: BRAT broadcasts fragments of daily life, emotional interference, and unfiltered thoughts.

listener advisory: high honesty, emotional content, mental health mentions, unpredictable output

it started like a lot of things in high school, hiding in plain sight. i had english class with a guy we’ll call applejack, mostly because he looks like the cinnamon stick on the cereal box. back then, i barely noticed him. he used to be sort of cool with fro, though they barely talked and definitely don’t now. but none of that mattered until the day i was walking to class and saw applejack hand in hand with his girlfriend at the time. i felt a quick flash of jealousy, mostly wondering how someone managed to find love so fast when we were all just freshmen. i figured they’d been together since middle school (which i later found out wasn't true at all), so the jealousy didn't stick around long.

fast forward to the end of freshman year. i met my homeboy, and we ended up sharing a driver’s ed class sophomore year. and guess who was right there in the group? applejack. back then, we were just acquaintances, floating in the same orbit without being close.

then came the massive fallout with my homeboy and that whole messy chapter (should make a storytime about this). applejack ended up siding with my homeboy, which made total sense. why take the side of some girl you seen from freshman year over your actual homie from elementary school? so, we stopped talking. despite that, applejack still occasionally checked up on me to make sure i was good. we stayed distant for a few months until january rolled around. the fallout was old news, everyone was back on speaking terms, and that is where the bud finally started to push up through the soil.

one day, i was sitting on the side of the gym eating some haitian spaghetti. applejack walked over, sat down next to me, and started venting about a crisis with his girl. her parents didn't like him, they wouldn't let her go out, and communication was completely broken. me being the helpful friend, i listened, helped him draft up a message to fix things, and told him to let me know how it went. they patched it up, he thanked me, and honestly, i felt pretty proud of fixing someone else's love life.

february hit, and they broke up for real. applejack suddenly had a little roster of girls and started tossing around casual jokes about cuddling with either me or my homegirl. my homegirl was secretly feeling my other homie, we'll call him anime, and during a one on one bus ride, she confessed she was into anime instead. i looked at her and admitted, i think i'm starting to crush on applejack.

there was just one tiny problem: by then, he had secretly gotten back together with his girlfriend. i don't do taken men, so i kept my distance and left it alone, even if my homegirl still loved teasing me about it. was the lingering feeling still there? absolutely. was i completely denying it to myself? ABSOLUTELY.

one day in our group chat, applejack asked if anyone wanted to watch sml videos with him. nobody answered, so i did. we hopped on the phone, watching and in an awkward silence (cuz what do you say to your acquaintance crush who has a girl? if you have an answer, don’t blame me im shy 🫩), until my mom made me get off to do chores. but that little spark planted a seed. we started calling more often. when he was bored, when we wanted to watch something, even during facetime hotbox sessions. and it was mostly just us. a few times the group chat or my homegirl drifted into the mix, but the majority of the time? just the two of us. we fell asleep on the phone together, laughed until it hurt, and traded jokes. he would open up more to me about his relationship issues, in which i found out it was a lot of problems (mainly communication and not seeing each other outside of school, its more but i can’t remember). because i was tiny compared to his six-foot frame, he started calling me a labubu. around that same time, i got caught with my vape. applejack was selling them then. the very next day? he had a brand-new one saved specifically for me, handing it right to my face in front of his girl, free of charge. when i got my hair done, he posted me on his story and called me his labubu. when i finally pressed him about what all of it meant, he just shrugged and explained that i was his closest homegirl.

then came spring break. the day before i left for a trip to d.c., we fell asleep on the phone. when i woke up at 4:00 a.m., he was already awake, smoking, which he usually only did at night. i knew something was off. when i asked, he told me his girlfriend’s family finally discovered their secret relationship, and her dad pulled the plug right then and there. i stayed on the phone comforting him the best i could until i had to board my plane, and we kept texting all through the flight.

that entire week? absolute fever dream. BOOM. every single day started with a text from him. running around doing things in d.c., and then every single night ending with a facetime call, falling asleep together, late-night texting, and heavy flirting. he was down in texas, and despite the distance and time difference, we made it effortless. when i wanted to buy a labubu and found out they only took credit cards, he offered to send me the money. i politely declined, but he ended up buying me a plushie instead.

after spring break, that plushie became "corey," and i started joking that it was our kid. i’d swear up and down it was his, teasing, "oh, he’s got your nose" or "when are you paying child support?" while he laughed and swore it wasn’t his kid. we constantly play fought and joked like that. one day, he found out another girl liked him and briefly tried talking to her, but she got protective because she saw how close we actually were. applejack dropped it immediately, saying he’d rather just have his closest homegirl in his corner anyway.

then came april fools. and oh my god.

out of nowhere, my homeboy texts me: "why applejack got a tattoo of yo name on his arm?"

i thought he was messing with me. i clicked on applejack's story, and there it was…my name, big as FUCK right across his forearm. i stared at my screen like, WHAT?? he explained that it was just ai, but the rumor mill spread across the entire school instantly. people assumed we were dating, and we both awkwardly denied it.

april 2nd rolled around. my homegirl started cross examining me about it. i told her straight up that i thought we were just friends, that he was just really nice to me, and that i was getting totally mixed signals.

that night, while i was asleep, i forgot to call him. my homegirl and anime (who were dating by then) called applejack instead, and my homegirl straight up interrogated him, asking if he actually liked me. when he said yes, she told him he needed to confess because i was drowning in mixed signals.

he didn't hesitate. at 4:00 in the morning, he sat down and wrote this: zari i just felt the need to tell you how i feel. everything i feel for you is genuine not any weird stuff. and feel me i know i’ve been confusing you sometimes with my “kind” actions 😭 and that’s my fault. and feel me you’re really mature for your age. the way you carry yourself how you comfort me and how you actually listen and you always speak the truth it means a lot to me fr. i just wanted to be real with you. i like you. and i wanted to ask would you be my girlfriend and we just see where things go nd let’s get this bread tg ya feel me.

i woke up, saw the text, and screamed and cried. once i recovered, i locked in and texted back: why didn't you just tell me sooner? apparently, his grand plan had been to do it in person, which was hilarious, because i had been planning the exact same thing. he just beat me to the punch, flipping the script while i swore up and down that i never make the first move. which was true, all my boyfriends except for one asked me. i never ask unless i seriously like you and nothing is going nowhere.

on april 3rd, we officially became official.

we’ve been together 118 days now. honestly, it feels like we’ve been together way longer, but i think that’s just because of how long i spent harboring those feelings for him beneath the surface. and the way he treats me? oh my goodness. he actually listens to me. we communicate like actual adults. i tell him straight up what i like and what i don't like, and he respects it. he knows me like an open book, and i know him the exact same way. we don't have to talk 24/7, but we make sure to talk every single day. he’s my best friend disguised as a lover. well, he is both.

he matches my energy, understands my brain, and thinks about me everywhere he goes, constantly picking up little things he knows i’d love just because. i do the exact same for him. i used to be someone who never opened up about past relationships, but with him? i tell him everything. because of that, he knows precisely what to do and what not to do. he even pays attention to my reposts just to figure out what else makes me smile. we've got four "plushie kids" together now.

it just feels so damn good. my past relationships were trainwrecks that crashed because of unaddressed drama. but with him, if something goes wrong, we talk it out, own it, and fix it.

now, when i go to sleep, even when we aren't on the phone…it doesn't feel heavy anymore. it just feels like a deep, quiet breath of fresh air.

it all started freshman year when my old homegirl, who is currently my absolute opp, was dating his homeboy. we are going to call my ex fro fro. my former friend used to go over to fro fro’s table during lunch to talk to his homeboy, and i would tag along just to follow her. that was the very first time i saw him, though i definitely didn’t see him in that light back then. after that, i realized i actually had english class with fro. we didn’t really talk much during class, only when we crossed paths at lunch, but fro used to smile whenever he saw me, and i loved it because he looked so cute.

by april, we started talking way more. we exchanged instagrams, traded numbers, and suddenly we were texting every single day. i remember the first call. only because he took me in the bathroom while he was taking a piss (AND WASNT ON MUTE?) and was smiling at me the whole damn time. it progressed to him taking me in the bathroom when he took a shower (he used to peek at me from behind the curtains nd id be yelling at him from the phone to wash his ass.) and to him js staring and smiling when he was otp taking a shit. i even remember one day i was just scrolling on tiktok, and he shared his screen to safari, and loaded twitter. and he was js watching videos…of ykw. now i was hella uncomfortable with it, and to try and make it somewhat uncomfortable, i’d js comment on how fake the girls chest and butt looked (they do be looking fake iangl).

one day, fro called me out of nowhere to fill me in on how my homegirl was really acting, telling me how toxic she was behind the scenes. i confirmed everything he was saying, and he relayed it back to his homeboy. of course, that homeboy told her, she wanted to fight me, and fro went into full panic mode, apologizing profusely and telling me not to come to school to avoid her. they managed to fix their drama, and she never ended up beating my ass, but it set the stage for how close fro and i were getting.

at the time, i was still technically talking to my crazy ex, who was long distance and completely toxic. fro kept telling me that i didn't deserve how he treated me. it was literally giving that trippie redd song, “oh he don’t love you how he should, i can love you better.”

then came my birthday party. i invited fro and explicitly told my crazy ex not to come. naturally, he ended up showing up anyway. i basically used fro as my personal bodyguard, but my mom kept nagging me to go hang out with the crazy ex because his mom was right there. i ended up caving. he started paying for all my arcade games and just watching me play. eventually, we ended up sitting in a booth. he was trying to apologize to me, but i wasn’t having it. out of nowhere, the crazy ex tried to kiss me right there in the booth…mind you, his mom was literally sitting right behind us on her phone.

i noped right out of there and ran straight back to fro. we ended up sitting in a luigi's mansion booth together, and i just started venting, completely stressed out over the whole mess. fro kissed me to calm me down, and honestly? it was the best thing ever. i went home on absolute cloud nine, and we were inseparable ever since.

that closeness lasted right up until the day i went to meet up with him in the hallway between classes. he pulled me over into an alcove or whatever and started kissing me, but then he started feeling up on my butt. i wasn't entirely comfortable with it, but i froze and kept it to myself for about a month before i finally worked up the courage to tell him. he felt horrible and apologized immediately, and i told him it was fine and tried to brush it off. but after that, things shifted.

about a week or two of us feeling distant went by, and he suggested we take a break. i told him straight up that it was probably just going to lead to us actually breaking up and that i didn't want that, but i reluctantly agreed anyway. that night, i prayed to god to let whatever happen happen, but please, just let him find his way back to me.

the very next night, while i was out doordashing, my phone buzzed. it was the text. that exact message breaking up with me. it shattered my whole heart. i was depressed for days, cried nonstop, relapsed into sh, and turned to drinking and smoking to numb it. i tried reaching out to him later just to salvage some kind of friendship, but i either got ghosted with dry responses or left entirely on delivered. feeling completely abandoned, i ended up right back in the cycle with my crazy ex.

then sophomore year started, and i was terrified because, of course, i had english class with fro again. we didn't talk. we didn't even look at each other. nothing. i ended up breaking it off with the crazy ex for good and started a talking stage with my homeboy (who is still my ride or die to this day, my actual homie even through all his dumb decisions) only to find out he was fro's opp. but i didn't even know that at the time. it only lasted a week before my homeboy started talking to my old homegirl, and she blew the whole thing out of proportion, resulting in a massive fallout.

then, one day in november, fro just sat there staring at me across the room. i had no idea why, but a foolish part of me held onto a little bit of hope that it meant he wanted to fix things. instead, he texted me that afternoon accusing me of telling people that he had cheated on me. mind you, i never even had this boy's name in my mouth like that. whenever people asked what happened between us, my response was always just, "we broke up." period. that was it. i told him i never said any of that, and he just replied with, "oh ok i was js making sure," but the whole tone felt like he was trying to check me, like he was looking for a reason to pick a fight.

from that exact moment, resentment took root. more recently, i found out he went and told my homeboy’s girlfriend that i had never fucked with her since freshman year..even though i didn't even know who she was or have her on my radar freshman year. none of it made any sense.

now, we just mutually can't stand each other. i don't like him, and i'm pretty sure he doesn't like me either. he tells people now that we were just a fling. at first i was convinced we were boyfriend and girlfriend, but sophomore year i realized he never asked me. so was he right? absolutely, so thats how im trying to view him now. but whenever i think about that breakup text, and how he used to talk to me, how he used to uplift me and make me feel like the only girl in the world... all i can do is look at the wreckage and ask myself: where did that sweet boy go?