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-where it was always an almost, never a finally.

[Angst]..{she/her}

~~~~~

This was it, this was where he’d say goodbye and you’d expect him to come back to you when in reality, you know that he won’t this time. He didn’t even look you in the eye as if you weren’t worthy of any other interactions except of talking. He really left without even glancing back at your once again weak form.

While watching his footsteps ahead of you getting further and further, you were still hoping he’d turn around to embrace you tightly, to kiss you and affirm you that you’re the one he wants. But it never happened.

And even if a few days came, even more drops of rain fall on the roof of your room. You still imagined he’ll come back to your arms again, your mind still not comprehending about the fact that he really left you all alone as if a simple particle of dust was way more than the day and nights you’ve spent with each other’s presence with the hint of affection, but even that felt one sided.

The questions that you can’t manage to answer still punctured in your brain when it was just a simple “I fell out of love” statement but you knew it was that wasn’t the case. You knew it was because of her, probably his one and only true love. Ayeki.

You were desperate for his solicitude and came in terms that you were blinded by it. You craved him, needed him, wanted him. Not in a weird way but in a way that you want spend the rest of your life with him and oh how you wish he felt the same way.

3 years thrown into waste. You were stupid but you were never oblivious. You saw the way he looks at her the first time you bumped into her accidentally. You saw how his eyes shined the way it never shined when it lands on your figure. You knew. You always knew. But instead you became in denial.

Why did it still hurt though now that you expected it to happen? Was it because you weren’t enough? Or was it because you knew you will never be good enough.

She’s so damn perfect. Of course you’d never outshine her. She’s ethereal. Long hair. Slightly taller than you. Delicate skin. And gorgeous face without a single flaw ruining it.

And now your knuckles are all bloody and bruised, eyes puffy, and hair all messed up while looking at your reflection on the broken mirror in front of you. You couldn’t stand it, you couldn’t stand how clear the reason is on why he left. The answers are so clear yet still so blurry. Why did he chose to stay with you for 3 years when he can just go back to her already? Did he plan this? Did he actually plan to hurt you first before going back to her? But now you will never know. He chose to be gone to your life now for eternity.

You were suffering and he still chose to go.

And there’s nothing you could do. Not anymore. He would never choose you. Not ever.

Nevertheless, you still waited him to go home to you, of course you would. But it was impossible now that he got her back.

You wanted to be happy for him but you can’t. You still wanted him to come back to you. Call it selfish but you lost everything now so you don’t have to care anymore. You can just lay on your bed all day and just overthink until sleep gets to you again, nothing more.

~

“I fell out of love, I’m sorry” he said

“Why?” You replied, eyes on the verge of tears

“I don’t know” he said once again

~

Fable. It was all fable.

He can’t fall out of love for you when it was never there in the first place. You wish he did. You were always pinning your hopes that he’d actually love you the way he did to her. But he made it look like that was so difficult to achieve.

Why can’t he just stay just like you did despite seeing his flaws.

Why were you so dense.

Why were you even still hoping.

Why can’t you forget him like the way he forgets you that easily.

But there’s nothing anyone can do now. The damage has been done. You were the one who fell in love in the first place and now you can’t escape it. It wasn’t your fault right? It wasn’t your fault that love feel so heartwarming. It wasn’t your fault that getting accepted and actually feeling like you’re good enough feels so pleasing, even if it’s just for the meantime.

Oh how you wish the other you from another universe wasn’t experiencing the same thing. That maybe the both of you actually was suppose to be endgame but it was just limited to some realities. Maybe you had to wait for another life time where he’d finally choose you, where you’re sure that he was actually matching your affection.

But right now. In this part of the cosmos. In this world and time. The both of you will have to stay as an ‘almost’.

~~~

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