Stargazing.
There's this dull ache in my bones. The kind that lingers even when I'm not alone. I was young when I first head it wake, and wait, until most inconvenient moments to veer my path from going straight. To turn any love and likeness to hate. To forget all the reasons I'm needed in this place. To convince me that I'd be better off in space.
It's quiet, up there, silence in solitude. The stars look nothing like they do from my bedroom. If you scream into the cosmos, it will never escape the grasp of the near-perfect vacuum. But, oh, how captivating is the beauty of it all, The straying sun rays bleeding into nothing like a soft, warm light filtering through a closed door, See the planets in their entirety, the Milky Way in it's entrancing lure, All of it to learn that there is always more.
More than the terrible things you've seen, than the tears on your face and every one of your flaws. You are but a grain of stardust within the infinite cosmo course, our time immensely short, So why spend it alone? feeding the ache in my bones? What purpose is found in endurance, allowing the pain to pour in? The stardust and the black matter that make up my being are splitting at the seams, the fibres tearing, the thread fraying. I remember praying. Praying or begging, pleading, to be returned to the age old matter that was used to create my soul, To never feel the warmth nor the cold, avoid the wrinkles on my brow as I grow old, take the mould of which I came to fruition and treat it with demolition.
The longer you spend in the vast darkness, the harder it gets to ever want to see the light once again. Until a star twinkles, a sign your travels must end. Space is comfort, quiet, lonesome. Space is suffocating. I return, despite how my chest burns, But from it I have learned.
I know now, the lure of the Milky Way, The sight a temporary cure for a lifelong headache, My time I'll take, a few starry nights away though the world won't wait. I remind myself that overstaying my welcome will only lead me to asphyxiate, So a promise I state.
Wander to that place, space, don't stay too long. Just enough to collect the missing atoms of the stars that make me myself, Just long enough to solemn sob, Then to retreat, as to not allow the nothingness my breath to rob. For those same lungs filled with spiralling breaths - no matter how shuddered - Are the core for my laughter, my chatter, dancing and singing. And should I miss the emptiness, the comfort that it brings, the stars, the sun rays, The sky is mine to stargaze.
