Randzzz's Random Rants

I want to cut the moon up

and peel away it's roughness to place a slice into your open hungry palms

I want to cut the moon up and out of the sky

to give you all of this world's favorite light

alongside city lights, the bars just outside of town, and the singing stars

I want to give you the moon

because I too am the one companion that will never truly leave you

I'll sit in the light of our love and the darkness of our demons with you

We can run our hands over every groove and gravity the way our hands find each other

Laugh against my lips and take another bite

I want to cut the moon out of the sky so I can properly compare my love to her

Knowing that together, we'll only ever change for the better

I want to cut the moon into slices of poetry for us to hold

Menikahimu, kukira bukan hanya perkara cinta. Ia adalah perkara bersetia pada janji membahagiakan sekuat-kuatnya, sebisa-bisanya. Itulah mengapa aku bekerja keras. Ini bukan janji, ini bukan gombalan, ini adalah ikhtiar untuk membuatmu menjadi seseorang yang istimewa.

Aku merasa tidak punya apapun untuk bisa kamu banggakan, kecuali bahwa aku akan bekerja keras, sesuai janjiku pada ayah ibumu bahwa kamu, anak yang mereka sayangi tidak akan pernah merasa kelaparan dan takut akan hari esok. Sebagai lelaki hanya ini yang bisa aku lakukan.

Aku percaya kita bisa menghadapi hari paling tengik sementara kita berdua berdiri tegak dengan mandiri, Tidak mengandalkan siapapun kecuali satu sama lain. Tidak merengek tentang apapun kecuali pada yang Menciptakan Kita. Kamu adalah karang paling keras di samudera, sementara aku bebatuan paling bebal di pegunungan.

Membahagiakanmu berarti menjamin keselamatanmu, menjamin bahwa kamu akan punya rumah untuk ditinggali, menjamin bahwa kamu punya makanan untuk disantap, dan punya seseorang untuk diandalkan. Ia adalah hal paling sederhana yang bisa aku lakukan untuk menggenapkan sayangku padamu.

Kamu tidak harus berdiam di rumah, kamu tentu bisa bekerja jika kamu ingin. Kamu boleh belajar balet, kamu boleh yoga, belajar memasak atau bahkan memulai les bahasa Korea. Lakukan hal apapun yang menyenangkan hatimu, lakukan hal apapun yang membuatmu merasa menjadi manusia seutuhnya. Kamu adalah hal hal yang telah kamu taklukan sayangku.

Pernikahan, kukira, bukan soal siapa yang tinggal di rumah dan mesti mengalah. Pernikahan, kukira, adalah bagaimana kita tetap bisa bermain dan bersenang-senang seraya meningkatkan tanggung jawab. Kamu dengan segala kesenanganmu dan aku dengan segala kegilaanku. Kita adalah sepasang kekasih yang merayakan cinta dengan cara paling menakjubkan.

Barangkali aku hanya membual, seperti yang biasa aku lakukan. Mungkin aku hanya bicara, seperti yang hanya bisa aku lakukan. Tapi boleh kan? Sekali saja dalam hidupku yang berantakan ini mempercayai satu hal. Bahwa mungkin kamu layak diperjuangkan, bahwa kamu layak dicintai dan lebih daripada itu harus dibahagiakan.

Love You Ayang…

Semestinya ada yang lebih bijaksana dari sebuah perpisahan yang pelik. Semacam kesepakatan dengan masa lalu agar tak lagi datang diam-diam. Sebenarnya bukan perpisahan itu yang menyebalkan, tapi perihal ingatan-ingatan yang kerap datang seperti maling. Juga berbagai khusyuk perjuangan melupakan saat kesendirian datang. Hidup sering menjadi sebuah usaha melawan kenangan dan kita kerap dipaksa menyerah kalah sebelum memulai.

Aku belajar untuk menerima kekalahan, juga menerima fakta bahwa mengingat adalah laku batin yang pedih. Kita tak bisa benar-benar membagi perasaan kepada orang lain. Perasaan adalah sebuah medium yang unik. Ia tak bisa kembar karena masing-masing manusia memiliki kondisi tersendiri dalam mengalami sebuah perasaan. Adakalanya orang menangis tanpa sebab kala hujan tiba, juga sebuah senyuman tulus ketika melihat sebuah senja yang keemasan. Perasaan adalah anugerah yang tak pernah bisa dimengerti.

Kenangan, seperti juga perasaan, bekerja dengan cara yang ajaib. Kita tak bisa mengendalikan bagaimana sebuah perasaan datang. Tak pernah ada perasaan utuh, seperti juga kenangan lengkap. Ketika kenangan datang kita tak pernah benar-benar seutuhnya memutar ulang kejadian yang telah lampau. Kita mesti hidup dengan cara yang demikian sebagai sebuah proses tanpa akhir.

Banyak hal yang tak bisa kita sepakati dalam hidup. Seolah-olah kita adalah sebuah sekrup yang bekerja mekanis dan sistematis. Robot yang harus tunduk pada perintah-perintah yang bahkan kita sendiri tak bisa mengerti. Seperti tiba-tiba merindu lantas haru. Atau bertemu lantas terluka. Kejadian-kejadian yang menuntut kita untuk dewasa pada perasaan. Sayangnya, tak pernah ada manusia yang dengan bijak menyapa masa lalu yang perih seperti seorang karib.

Aku belajar untuk melupakan lesung pipit sebagai sebuah masa lalu. Juga dahi lebar dengan hidung mungil yang kerap berubah indah ketika sebuah senyuman hadir tiba-tiba. Bukankah siksa paling keji adalah merasakan rasa sakit tanpa sebab? Kukira ada yang lebih bijak dari sekedar mengumpat, walau itu pada kenangan paling perih sekalipun. Atau pada sebuah keadaan yang sama sekali tak bisa dikembalikan. Atau pada sebuah perasaan yang tak bisa dihilangkan.

Once again…

Berubah adalah sebuah langkah. Maju mundur bukan masalah.

Berubah adalah nyali. Jalan di tempat atau mendaki.

Berubah adalah pilihan. Di tengah waktu yang berjalan.

Tidak banyak yang cukup nyali untuk melakukan perubahan. Terlalu takut untuk bertualang dan ambil resiko. Menunggu asa yang mati di dalam.

Semangat dan gejolak terus diredam hingga padam. Hingga hidup perlahan memudar.

Banyak hal di luar rencana yang memiliki hasil yang berbeda. Karena hidup adalah untuk dijalani. Bukan untuk diterka dan bermain aman. Berada dalam zona nyaman adalah berbahaya. Jangan sampai hidup ini didasari rasa takut hingga kita tak lagi memiliki nyali untuk mengembangkan diri.

Keputusan sulit akan selalu ada dan harus selalu diambil. Tak ada yang perlu ditakutkan karena resiko akan selalu ada bahkan dalam setiap keputusan yang matang. Besar kecilnya resiko adalah tolak ukur pertahanan mental masing masing.

Visi.

Itu yang paling penting. Pastikan hendak kemana dan mau apa. Berani memilih bukan tanpa rencana. Berani memilih adalah dengan memiliki bekal dan impian. Bukan sekedar tindak gegabah tanpa arah.

Move on.

Berlarilah setiap hari. Jalani yang kita cintai tanpa alasan manja yang bertele tele. Impian bisa diraih orang orang yang kuat dihajar masalah. Tidak ada jalan yang selalu indah. Badai ada dimana mana.

Gamble on yourself.

People have such different concepts of happiness, assuming this is the point of living. Family. Spouses. Parties. Designer goods. Education. Career. Knowledge. Newest gadgets. The list goes on. Some of the things I mentioned perhaps struck a key, just by reading it. Some of them might seem unimportant to you. It is our framework in life which decides which is important and which is not. Makes you think doesn't it ? I began to think about business and the principle of investment. The basic idea is that you should put your money (resources) into a sector which you have valuable data (experience) to predict return and, preferably, profit. But, even a very good prospect investment has its own risk. Should happiness be as simple as that? Is it a determinant factor that what you give, should return to you, preferably more? Or is it gonna make you hurt even more? Or is it the selfless idea that you should find love in every aspect in your life that it becomes infinitive thus no matter what you lose or how many times you fail, you can always bounce back up again and continue a stronger human being. How do you search such love? How do you find it? Is it in the things you perceive important? The things that struck a key. Is it really there?

For, I really hope this thing that going on right now is gonna struck the key...

But you'll never now...Unless you try... :)

Cheers...

Semestinya ada yang lebih bijaksana dari sebuah perpisahan yang pelik. Semacam kesepakatan dengan masa lalu agar tak lagi datang diam-diam. Sebenarnya bukan perpisahan itu yang menyebalkan, tapi perihal ingatan-ingatan yang kerap datang seperti maling. Juga berbagai khusyuk perjuangan melupakan saat kesendirian datang. Hidup sering menjadi sebuah usaha melawan kenangan dan kita kerap dipaksa menyerah kalah sebelum memulai.

Aku belajar untuk menerima kekalahan, juga menerima fakta bahwa mengingat adalah laku batin yang pedih. Kita tak bisa benar-benar membagi perasaan kepada orang lain. Perasaan adalah sebuah medium yang unik. Ia tak bisa kembar karena masing-masing manusia memiliki kondisi tersendiri dalam mengalami sebuah perasaan. Adakalanya orang menangis tanpa sebab kala hujan tiba, juga sebuah senyuman tulus ketika melihat sebuah senja yang keemasan. Perasaan adalah anugerah yang tak pernah bisa dimengerti.

Kenangan, seperti juga perasaan, bekerja dengan cara yang ajaib. Kita tak bisa mengendalikan bagaimana sebuah perasaan datang. Tak pernah ada perasaan utuh, seperti juga kenangan lengkap. Ketika kenangan datang kita tak pernah benar-benar seutuhnya memutar ulang kejadian yang telah lampau. Kita mesti hidup dengan cara yang demikian sebagai sebuah proses tanpa akhir.

Banyak hal yang tak bisa kita sepakati dalam hidup. Seolah-olah kita adalah sebuah sekrup yang bekerja mekanis dan sistematis. Robot yang harus tunduk pada perintah-perintah yang bahkan kita sendiri tak bisa mengerti. Seperti tiba-tiba merindu lantas haru. Atau bertemu lantas terluka. Kejadian-kejadian yang menuntut kita untuk dewasa pada perasaan. Sayangnya, tak pernah ada manusia yang dengan bijak menyapa masa lalu yang perih seperti seorang karib.

Aku belajar untuk melupakan lesung pipit sebagai sebuah masa lalu. Juga dahi lebar dengan hidung mungil yang kerap berubah indah ketika sebuah senyuman hadir tiba-tiba. Bukankah siksa paling keji adalah merasakan rasa sakit tanpa sebab? Kukira ada yang lebih bijak dari sekedar mengumpat, walau itu pada kenangan paling perih sekalipun. Atau pada sebuah keadaan yang sama sekali tak bisa dikembalikan. Atau pada sebuah perasaan yang tak bisa dihilangkan.

Once again…

The world would be easier if the homeless were all just lazy and all they needed to do was just get a fucking job.

The world would be easier if evil were a real thing, instead of just confusion, misunderstanding, miscommunication and misplaced desire.

The world would be easier if you could just be happy for what you had, while you had it. If you could eat memories like flowers to keep your heart alive.

The world would be easier if comfort didn’t rest on the backs of the broken, if your swimming pool was dug by soft hands that never worked a day in their life.

The world would be easier if we all just got rich and famous and we were all each other’s #1 fan.

The world would be easier if it were an automatic.

The world would be easier.

But it isn’t.

The world is hard because it requires real human effort to make it turn.

The world is hard because you may wake up today but not tomorrow. And yet no one will accept “fear of death and a futile existence” as a reasonable excuse to miss work.

The world is hard because you will have to fight for the things you love or worse, fight the things you love.

The world is hard because the things you love will kill you.

The world is hard because it was made that way by thousands upon thousands of hard men and no one wants to admit we have no idea why we’re doing the things we’re doing anymore.

The world is hard because it’s hard to forgive and even harder to forget.

The world is hard and you should just give up, right now. Just lay down and die. Nothing will ever be easier.

But, you don’t.

It doesn't hurt because if you keep hurting the same part of you again and again and again, the nerve endings all die.

And when that happens, that part of you goes numb. That's why it doesn't hurt.

Don't be proud of it.

To those living in cities with high usage of smartphones, this may be a common sight: A group of friends, eating together, but busily typing on their phones. Taking pictures of each other, smiling to the small, built-in camera. Quickly going back to their phones, posting the pictures on the social media space they're part of. Twitter, Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, Path. They would periodically check their phones, sometimes typing away as their friend is talking - half listening, half nodding, half-everything. Now. Think about billboards. As we're stuck in traffic, how much waste of unnecessary advertising blinking before our eyes. Some billboards are even moving images. Products we don't need, lifestyles that don't make us any happier or fulfilled. We train ourselves to ignore them, block out noise. We desensitise ourselves. This noise block reminds me of putting on headphones to block out car honks and people yelling. It reminds me of scrolling down my Twitter timelines, feeling claustrophobic reading dozens of people reporting what they're eating, where they are, replying to mentions with 'OK'. Like ignoring commercial during TV breaks. Our attention span becomes shorter, easily diverted because if we don't train ourselves to block out noise, we would be overwhelmed with unusable information (how does one respond to a headline saying 'Bieber publicist: Stolen laptop tweet not hoax' that is mentally healthier than self-induced amnesia?). This poor attention span relates to that friend typing away on their smartphone a second after they asked how we are, nodding away while they give us half-attention over our half-explanation. It made me think about the notion of 'present'. And this is when I give you my disclaimer of 'bear with me now I will soon go into a very boring monologue'. 'Western' civilisation has taught us with the concept of linear time. Past, present, future. There's a desire of fixity, of predictability. Hearing 'Can we meet on 6 pm' is so much more reliable than 'Meet around Maghrib?'. Our activities become planned according to our predictions of what will happen in the future. From our television news programmes to our 10-year career plans and our children's education. Anything else that doesn't fall into that fixity, we block out. Like commercials, like billboards, like trivial Tweets. Compare this with the Inuits who centre their lives around activities, particularly hunting. A father teaches his son on patience while waiting for a prey to come, for nature always gives as needed. They hunt as they need to survive and do not believe in accumulation and savings. Consequently, the notion of greed is void in such culture. It is considered offensive to ask 'May I have a glass of water' to an Inuit. They do not see food as property. It is no one's. Everyone's. The winnings of a hunt, for instance, is not the property of the hunter - it is shared throughout the community. No half-attention span, no greed, no accumulation of property to be happy and secure. Sounds like a good life, eh? I then reflected on how my own smartphone, my own noise-blocking, my own concept of time and 'present' have left impressions on my mind and mentality. Have I ever checked my phone as my mom was calling me? Yes. Have I ever interacted superficially with strangers on Twitter? Yes. Have I ever sat on a table during dinner and participated in an interaction where everyone was typing on their smartphones? Also yes. It isn't about (negative) technological determinism. Some of my most meaningful friendships were cultivated through long distance communication. Mediated interaction does not always mean meaningless exchanges. It is about being present or listening, not about timeliness. Answering instantly. It is about when we are relating to another human being, a friend, our children, our loved ones, we are in that moment - not blocking out a single thing. Our whole being, is being there.  It is something we sense when we read a book to our children and kiss the top of their heads. It is the sense we get when reading that long email we received from an old friend living abroad. Or when we shut our phones off before the plane takes off, close our eyes, and enjoy that moment of utter silence. It is about feeling and being.  And I realize, now, more than ever, how we have let the overabundance of information and the multiple features made available by technology take that away from us. So I have uninstalled all of the social media applications from my own smartphone. I have changed my push emails settings to manual, so that I don't read a work-related email on a Saturday during lunch with family. When I am ready and focused, I check my emails and respond to my colleagues (and sometimes also during a weekend, as I also sometimes have a family day on a workday!).  It's isn't about the technology or the mediated space of social media. But doing it when we choose to, not just because it arrives on our doorstep. Interacting when we know we can read properly and not half-critically respond just for the sake of instantaneity (this noun does exist! Check Merriam-Webster). It reminds me a bit of Fromm's 'freedom from' and 'freedom to (Escape from Freedom, 1941). For Fromm, 'freedom from' (I think there are some parallels with 'escaping') is to free oneself from social conventions. Like an oppressed Catholic student who turned into a liberal activist, or the exact opposite, a born-again Moslem turning to religion because of culture shock living in a 'Western' country. It becomes a kind of 'religious conversion' or jumping ships, being scared and finding sanctum. I don't think moderating information exposure is about running away from social conventions. About leaving mediated social interactions or not accessing information. It's about 'freedom to'. To decide for ourselves what kind of person we would like to be, what makes us whole and content. And in that, it includes some features of the 'thing we were 'running from'' (pardon me for the multiple quotes). I choose to be present in presence. And in that, I will choose what information I invite into my own mind, and I do not escape information altogether. Watch your thoughts for they become words.  Watch your words for they become actions.  Watch your actions for they become habits.  Watch your habits, for they become your character.  And watch your character, for it becomes your destiny!  What we think we become.

I'm scared of having met you, and let you go...

Yet you still value the things you have lost the most. Because the things you have lost are still perfect in your head. They never rusted. They never broke. They are made of the memories you once had, which only grow rosier and brighter, day by day. They are made of the dreams of how wonderful things could have been and must never suffer the indignity of actually still existing. Of being real. Of having flaws. Of breaking and deteriorating.

Only the things you no longer have will always be perfect.

First, you need to relax. I know it’s not as warm as it once was but you get used to the cold and warmth can be found in the people around you.

Secondly, do not get used to crying to get things. Some people never grow out of it. Avoid them. Spend time around people who smile in the face of despair.

Learn from them all you can. Everyone is a lesson. A story. A unique and wondrous perspective on the chaos that is human existence. The more people you talk to, the more you understand it.

But never speak if you have the opportunity to listen. Especially if you want someone to like you. There’s nothing you can say that’ll endear someone to you as much as really and truly listening to them.

You are on day one of a sometimes remarkable, sometimes terrible, sometimes beautiful, strange and always completely unknown journey. Be ok with this. Worrying about what happens next will ruin the surprise.

You will meet strange people along the way, some good, some bad. This is a pattern that will more than likely repeat constantly as you grow up. Some things will be good, some things will be bad. Neither will ever last forever. Nothing will stay the same.

Appreciate every moment of happiness and remember it when you despair. Hold them close. And when you are happy, remember the moments of despair and think to yourself, “I told you so.”

Never let someone else define you. You are your own creation and only you decide how you feel, who you are and what you want. This can be scary at first but it is liberating to truly and utterly embrace your own identity.

People who hate you for not being like them are not worth hating back. Please, let go of hate whenever you can. Accept love whenever it is given and give it out freely. It is the most powerful force on earth.

Welcome To the World, Kireina... :)

Enjoy your stay.