RSLB

Everyone talks about “falling in love”. Staying in love... that is all that I want.

It hasn’t felt like the holiday season or Christmas for me lately. This is weird for me because it’s always been my favorite time of the year. Despite healing from a heartbreak last year, I still found joy in the season. This year I feel nothing but numb. I’ve been trying so hard to keep myself grounded and protect my mental health in order to support my patients and families going through the worst days of their lives. But I think I got “too good” at thinking all of this is fine. Thinking it’s okay to hold my patients hand as I see their parent receiving CPR and call time of death across the room, thinking it’s okay to play and support a patients that have COVID and can’t have their parent with them because they have symptoms also, thinking it’s okay to see so many people dying alone, thinking it’s okay to have 4 trauma calls in one day where they were all car accidents, thinking it’s okay to see so many people on social media still attend social gatherings... I tried my best to always be my best version of a child life specialist actively working in the emergency department during a pandemic. I think all of this just broke my spirit. And to think... the year is ending but this pandemic isn’t. I’ll have to put my uniform on again and start all over again. None of this is okay.

If you would of asked me before if I thought I could love again after you, I would have said “no” every time. You were “the one” for me. You were the one I always pictured marrying, starting a family with, and living my life with until we were old. I never thought of “what if” after you or the another plan. I always knew my future was a blur, but always thought it would always be you even if everything else didn’t go as planned. My gawd. It took me a really long time.. time of breaking myself, putting myself back together, and breaking myself again to realize I needed to figure out a life and future without you. I thank God everyday for the strength I’ve gained to get through the immense heartbreak. I literally felt like I was dying inside. I just had to keep waking up each day and moving forward. I thank God everyday for the life and love I had with you. I also thank God everyday that despite being incredibly afraid, I was able to love again after you. It wasn’t easy to get to where I am today... but I have truly learned that God’s timing is always perfect. It is his plan, not ours.. and I am exactly where I am suppose to be (and where my heart is suppose to be). Thank you, for loving me when you did. And thank you especially for your kindness, grace, and respect when you didn’t anymore.

I am all in. I am not going to hold back anymore. You got me in so many ways.