a rambling jane

you always leave

the feelings fade

& I move on

until you reappear

hindsight will prove us wrong i know it will

but those aren’t the words she needs right now i just wish i could find the proper words to say

i used to fear you’d never love me  now i dread one day you might

i hope some day that you’ll forgive me  but for today

i wish you gone [if that’s alright] 

that’s what i’d always thought what i’d always feared

i wasted so many nights terrified she might’ve realized my inner thoughts laid bare waiting to be discovered 

she may not be as unattainable as i’d once assumed and i’ve grown enough since those distant nights that i’m convinced i’ve long since moved on

but i think i dropped a piece of myself abandoned between the sleepless nights and the borrowed paperbacks it calls out to me now singing gleeful songs about what could’ve been

it’s like i’m five again i want to go play around with nothing but the bugs for company

and yes, you’re welcome to have you’re own opinions it’s just that I refuse to believe that you can’t see it

you’re looking for something temporary a passing breeze, a breath of fresh air soon to be forgotten

i’m looking for a tidal wave i want to be consumed  i’m desperate to forget where i end and you begin

i’ve had alot of time to think over the past few weeks and for a minute there i’d really convinced myself that i’d made a mistake in letting you go or, if i’m to be more honest, in pushing you away

there were good moments and i do miss those i doubt we even had any particularly bad moments  i’d be lying if i said i still remembered all the moments, though

i spent almost too much time thinking over a decision i’m much too far past to ever take back but then i remembered the end

the realization i’d had just before out paths separated for good we never had any truly great moments fun, sure but nothing that took my breath away

i wish we had but there are some things that can’t be faked

right now, i’m lonely and feeling altogether low and i want more than anything for someone to hold me but it would be unfair to us both to pretend that you should be those arms

i guess what i’m saying is i hope you’ve found your person you deserve to be the best kind of breathless

i haven’t found my person yet probably won’t for a while yet and you could probably care less but i know i’ll find them, if not soon, then when the time is right

with all of my conviction and certainty,

the girl who refuses to misguidedly miss you any longer

maybe she thought they were friends until they proved they weren’t  and she forgave them again and again and again

the thing is they never proved it to her, not really they proved it to us, to me to the girls

but she didn’t want to believe it now she knows and I hate that she had to learn it this way but that’s why she has to let them go

I can’t make decisions for her but she still fears I might try to

a voice once harsh and condescending now faded to a timid whisper

I might as well have made you up cause I only see you in my darkest dreams

just a ton of questions

that I’d rather not ask aloud

and all it really came down to was intentions

did you mean it?

did he?

did my reactions give too much away?

Hell or high water

We reach the shore

Or drown together

Just know that we will always be

Side by side

We’ll fight the tide

you made the offer, sure 

but I said no

and when you said you’d “change my mind” you were a sleazy asshole that I wasn’t even sure I could still be friends with

and yes we both know that's not true that I could never cut you out but for a second I really considered it I swear

I was never considering your offer though