Itās been a while...
Well, hello me, since Iām (fortunately) the only one reading these posts.
So, Iām gonna move to Jylland, Varde more specific. Atleast, I think I am? We didnāt talk more about it, we havenāt actually talked since, what was it, saturday? And that was horrible. Time without contact is difficult for me, I tend to forget that people exist. Time without people nearby is just really weird. Like, I know they exist, but I kinda forget about them. Which is a normal thing for borderliners to do, Iāve learned. I forgot the word for it though, thatās okay. I mean, I donāt forget them as such, more like, itās hard to remember. I donāt remember how they look, how they talk, how they feel. Maybe this is why I seem to forget about the bad stuff so easily? Well, not forget it, but itās easier for me to put it in the back of my mind anyway. I donāt know, it could be a thing.
Iām feeling very uninteresting and worthless lately, I know that itās mostly on me. Still itās not all on me, I just wish that heād actually listen for once instead of getting defensive right away. I donāt know if itās the way I say it, I try my best to really explain it in as good of a way as possible. Right now, Iām not feeling too optimistic about this relationship. I really want to though, I love him like Iāve never loved anybody. But all that chaos, that offensiveness, that violence (which, thank whoever, isnāt there anymore). Itās just, I feel like Iām only worthwhile when itās convenient for him, but never really on my terms. And thatās not okay, if it actually is like that. I deserve better, he deserves better too, which is why I try to change so much. Both for him and for myself, I donāt want to be a horrible person, as I can be when I first get mad. I mean, I really go deep for the throat, and itās horrible, I absolutely hate it.
My birthday was amazing, he was amazing! Iāve never had a birthday as great as that. He was so sweet, so kind, so iiihhh. I fell in love with him a little bit more that day <3
I donāt know, I get so optimistic and then all of a sudden, something makes me feel horrible and I donāt feel like I can talk about it with him. It just blows up, almost every time. And then Iām stuck in this feeling of shittyness, both for having said how I feel and then for being stuck in that feeling alone, being miserable. I try to tell him, but I get scared and I back out. That only gets him angry though, or whatever he gets, it feels like anger to me, sometimes hatred. Iām no saint, I know this, I fuck up a lot.
I just wish it was easy, itās almost been 3 years.. I really want this to work, Iāve wanted it to work for so long, I try so hard to change things around. I just never feel like Iām doing good enough, then on the other hand I feel like I do most of the changing and listening. Maybe thatās wrong, I donāt know, it just feels that way. I love him, I really do, Iām just scared heās not as invested in this as I am..











