Ramblings From a Borderliner

Why do I get so easily insecure? I don’t want to be insecure, I want to be happy. Happy for him, the good that’s happening for him. I am happy, but there’s also this stupid insecure feeling that just wont pass. It’s silly, really.

I’m in a weird place in my head, where I’ve never really been before. I feel so much love, but so much pain. I’ve been thinking a lot lately, how I want to spend the rest of my life. And I really want it to be with him. Is it too early to be thinking like this? Even when I know that he probably doesn’t think like this. I want to marry him, I never really believed in marriage before, but now I do, now it’s something I REALLY want, with him. And kids, or a kid. I want a life with him, a family. I’m scared of mentioning it to him, I mean I’ve kinda done so before, but not as direct. And I have no idea if he even wants to hear that, or how I’ll react if he doesn’t say that he wants the same. I don’t mean like right this second, just that I want it. And I want to know if he wants it.

I’m not doing so well lately. I missed my appointments this week, ‘cus of this stupid anxiety. I’m so angry at myself, feeling so useless. I shouldn’t be this angry, I know it doesn’t help. I just can’t help but feel like this, ‘cus I need to go talk to someone. I have so many thoughts and feelings, and I can’t deal with them alone, I know this. I’m just terrible at actually talking about it, too scared of being judged I guess. I’ve been judged my entire life, but I judge myself more than anyone, and I think that’s why it creates this anxiety. Because I keep thinking that, if I think this, then why wouldn’t someone else? I feel like a kid sometimes, and other times I feel like I’ve got it all under control. It’s so weird, really. Eh, next week I’ll bring it up I think. I need to, if I want to feel better then I need help.

It’s been going okay the last couple of days. It’s been hard to get outside though, anxiety is messing me up. But I do it nonetheless, and everytime it goes great. It just doesn’t help me, even though it should. Eh, I don’t know.

Eh, I feel forgotten and like I don’t matter. I know, logically that it’s not the case. But I still feel like it. I thought we were gonna talk more, play more, whatever more. But no, it seems to be getting less and less, and I’m not sure how much longer I can stand it. I’m not telling him and that’s not fair really, I know. But if I tell him it’ll just end in a stupid fight, and I’m so god damn tired of fighting. I don’t want to be mad, but I also don’t want to be sad anymore. Eh, I need to figure out how long I can handle it being like this, because I don’t think it’ll be too long. I don’t want to be without him, maybe there’s not any options left anymore. I feel like I’m fighting for this to work, while he really isn’t doing much about it. He probably can’t deal with it and the work that it needs, he has a lot to worry about, I get that. But it’s not okay like this, it shouldn’t be just one person doing what needs to be done to try and keep some sort of relationship alive. I really don’t want to be without him though :/ 

I feel like I'm being neglected. Like I'm never first, is it so bad to want to feel like the most important person, to someone else, in the world? Just once in a while, I don't want that all the time. I feel like I'm not asking for much, really. I just want the same as I give, and it doesn't even have to be that much.

It’s so early though! Eh, gotta take the train at 9, so I’ve got 3 hours to get the rest of the stuff done, it’s doable. Maybe I’ll have some spare time to relax aswell :p The shower will help that! I’m excited to go, haven’t been excited for a while now. And it seems like we’re doing okay lately, aswell. I’m worried though, worried and scared that I’ll be stranded over there and it’ll all go to hell. I hope that it won’t, I’m trying to stay positive about it, then maybe that’ll save it :p Eh, anyway, stuff to do! :D 

It was going so well, and then I feel like I’m in last place again. He was the one saying it yesterday, and now, nope. Ungh. Whatever, I’m used to not being first priority anyway. Maybe I’m just overreacting. I can get stuff done then, at least that’s a good thing :) I just gotta focus on the positives, instead of this terrible mood that’s on its way.

I’m having a really hard time dealing, lately. I have these constant nightmares of my boyfriend cheating on me, like constant. Only very rarely do I actually get to sleep without having them. Every time it just feels so real, and I really do believe it the first moment I wake up. Whenever I would have these kinds of nightmares, or any, in the past, he would be there when I woke up. But now I have to deal with having these nightmares and being all alone aswell. Sure, I have my cat and he’s cute as fuck, but he can’t talk to me or keep me calm, make me feel safe and okay again. So after I wake up, sometimes I’m so tired that I have to sleep again, but then the nightmare just continues, and I wake up from it again, in the same state. So I avoid sleeping instead. And I can’t really tell anyone this, I mean I’ve told him about it a little, but people will just think that I should chill out and it’s just a nightmare. But to me it’s not just a nightmare, I have VERY vivid dreams. Most of the time, when I dream, I am able to control what I’ve doing and being aware of the dream. I can kinda communicate to my dreaming self, the self in the dream that is. I don’t know if this is normal, but because of that, all the nightmares and dreams feel real. I’ve always had weird dreams and nightmares, but these are too realistic. Yeah, there’s some weird things happening too, but the gist of it could be real, potentially. Now, I’ve been cheated on in the past, it was horrible. One of the worst feelings ever, in my life. It was my latest ex, when I was 18, he lived in norway and was a horrible person, not that living in Norway makes you disgusting, there was just a really long distance. (I really know how to pick ‘em though xD) I remember the last thing we talked about, when I was there visiting him the last time. I was scared that I wouldn’t see him again, ‘cus I could feel it. Two days before me leaving, he had gone out to drive a couple of friends for a party. He was gone from 22 until 1 in the morning. Then he came back and I was sad, ‘cus he said he’d only be half an hour. He never answered my texts and I was so scared that something had happened to him. Then we got in an argument, I still think that my point was valid. You don’t just do that to your girlfriend, I mean wtf? Then at 2 in the morning he had to leave again, to go pick them up. He wasn’t back home until 6, almost 7 in the morning. So yeah, that’s when it happened. Well, at the airport when we said bye, I told him that I was scared I wouldn’t see him again. He reassured me that I would. -That was a lie, yeah. So, I got home and he didn’t answer me for a couple of days. Me, being horridly scared of being abandonned, freaked out. I got really drunk, ‘cus I can’t deal and I’m an idiot. So the day after, he broke up with me. He blamed that it was me getting that drunk and how could I ever do that to him? Well, 2 weeks after that, he was with another girl, whom he left after 4 weeks. So I wrote to her, told her who I am and said sorry for contacting her like this, I just had to know. I asked her if he had cheated on me with her, she said that yeah, he had. And it was the night where he left me alone at his house, waiting for him to come back. He was with her 2 times, he wrote a shit ton of stuff to her, most of them lies. And she apologized, she didn’t know he was with someone, until she found out and left him. He was a dickbag, and he broke me. I couldn’t even think about being in a relationship for 5 years after that. I needed 5 years to heal from the fucked-up-ness of it all. And even that wasn’t enough. To this day I’m still dealing with trust issues, especially after being lied to in a relationship. I know that my current boyfriend wouldn’t cheat, he’s not that kind of person. But yeah, I get paranoid and scared that, what if he is? What if I don’t know him as well as I think? He’s lied to me before, why couldn’t he do that again? And I feel horrible when I think like that, because I KNOW how much I’ve talked to him about this, probably too much, but he’s kinda used to my dramatics after all this time it seems :p  He’s not the kind of person to hurt someone so deeply, he was even cheated on himself in the past. He hasn’t talked much about it, but maybe that’s because it didn’t hurt him as bad, to be honest, I don’t really know. I know he get jealous sometimes as well, the other day in an argument he shouted: “Have fun with your new boyfriend!” at me. And I get it, I get that you could say such a thing because you’re hurt and you’re angry, but I also know that he knows I’m an open book with him. I might not feel like he’s an open book, but this is who I am. I give the people close to me, everything that I can, I tell them everything that I am, and it is their own choice if they feel like they can do the same, or not. It’s okay, sometimes it’s harder that he chooses not to be as open, but it’s his choice, and I still love him either way. This post is so long, and I’m not even making much sense. I’m just writing what’s in my head, as I’m writing. Unngh, I need a little break. I’ll probably read this tomorrow and maybe try to continue it. I do that, that’s what I use this tumblr thing for. Revisiting my feelings, trying to understand them. And there’s no filter, because basically no one reads this shit anyway, and even if they do, they don’t know me. I’m just a crazy person trying to learn from my mistakes and my feelings. Oh yeah, also. That dude I was writing with that my boyfriend called my new boyrfriend, yeah he turned out to be creepy and awkward. So, no, yeah no. Just gonna stay away from that pile of weirdness xD

Today was a good day. Even though I slept most of it away. I just, finally, slept so well. No nightmares, no constant moving, just eeeeeeehhhh :D It was great and refreshing. I’m slowly losing weight again, and that motivates me to keep doing it. I’m just gonna live off of noodles! -I’m not, but that’d be dope as hell! I actually had fun tonight, no conflict, no angryness, no bad things. There was a bit at the end of it, but it wasn’t anything major, just his moodyness, which makes sense and is totally okay. I was scared that it might’ve turned into more, ‘cus it sometimes does. But it didn’t and that was great, so now I only remember having fun while talking to him :) So even if the day started off shitty, it turned out really great. And now I’m going to visit him on thursday, a 5 hour trip, halp. Nah, it’s worth it, ofc it is. Hopefully it’ll be alright and not be a horrible experience and turn into disaster. I don’t like it when that happens :/ I’m scared and excited at the same time, I’ll see how it goes. I do miss him though, so it’ll be nice to see him either way :D

I’m tired of this. Tired of my things getting broken. My keyboard, my mouse, my air blower, my fucking glass door. Stop breaking my things. Tired of not being involved or kept in the loop about things, especially things I’ve been promised to be told about. I’m tired of the secretivity. Tired of it all. Pretty much done soon, I’m not sure how long I can deal with this. Atleast there’s no lying yet, not from my knowledge. But I guess that I wouldn’t know until I found out on my own, that seems to be how it’s been. Fucks sake. I’m so tired of feeling so unimportant and useless. I’ll just let time run it’s course, then it’ll be easier any way. Why I keep giving chances, I don’t even fucking know. STOP BELIEVING SO MUCH IN PEOPLE, ME. -.-’