Raja Ismael Unfiltered

Ya Rabb, thank you for everything you’ve granted me ya Allah. Thank you for making easy my affairs for me. Thank you for everything you’ve allowed of and for me.

In this and in everything help me with my affairs, allow me gratefulness and syukur always.

Thank you for helping me be the best Ismail that I can be by your will.

I am grateful but I am also afraid ya Rabb. Help me with my affairs, help me with my heart.

Every doa I make seems to be fulfilled by your grace ya Rabb, I am grateful but I am afraid I won’t be. I am also afraid it is istidraj rather than ibtila karamah by your will.

Help me with my heart and my affairs, keep me within the fold of the best Iman and Islam always ya Rabb.

Thank you for your grace and mercy.

AI prompt:

Based on all my chats with you, make an interpretive painting of what my mental health looks like if it was hanging in a museum.

Explanation:

Alright—think of this like the museum placard next to the painting.

What it means:

This painting isn’t saying you’re broken. It’s saying your mind is very active, constantly juggling many layers at once.

The chaos & motion

The swirling colours and overlapping elements suggest:

• A brain that’s always “on”

• Jumping between logic, details, rules, systems, meanings

• Little mental rest, even when you’re not stressed on the surface

This fits someone who thinks deeply, asks precise questions, and wants things to make sense, not just be accepted.

The central figure holding their head

That’s not despair—it’s mental overload.

• You carry responsibility for understanding things correctly

• You don’t like vague answers

• When something doesn’t line up logically, it sticks in your head

It’s the pose of someone trying to contain their thoughts, not escape them.

Fragmented faces & brains

These represent multiple modes of thinking:

• Analytical / technical (networks, systems, rules)

• Cultural / linguistic (translations, titles, meanings)

• Practical / real-world (money, housing, health, work)

You switch between these fast. That’s a strength—but it’s tiring.

The clocks and time distortion

This points to mental urgency:

• Wanting clarity now

• Feeling behind even when you’re not

• Thinking a lot about “am I doing this right / efficiently / correctly?”

The light / rainbow / opening

This is the most important part.

It shows:

• Hope grounded in understanding, not optimism fluff

• When things click for you, your mind settles

• You feel best when structure replaces confusion

Your calm comes from clarity, not silence.

Big takeaway

If this were titled in a museum, it wouldn’t be “Anxiety” or “Struggle.”

It would be something like:

“A Mind That Refuses Shallow Answers.”

Your mental health isn’t fragile—it’s overworked.

And when you’re given:

• Clear frameworks

• Clean explanations

• Logical structure

There is no might or power except with you, and I will always need and have to ask you. No matter how much you have granted me.

Ya rabb indeed my sins are more than the foams of the sea, but indeed I believe your forgiveness surpasses even that. Thank you for allowing the religion that I have, the faith that you’ve allowed, the good nature that you have instilled. Help me ya rabb, help me return to you. Help me love you, love my prophet Muhamad rasullulah hi wasalam. Only to you do I seek help, only to you do I hope. Hanya kepadamu aku berharap, hanya kepadamu aku meminta.

Thank you for everything you’ve granted me, thank you allowing me husnuzon, thank you for allowing me this great lesson, realisation, reminder and mercy. Help me remember it and help me do well by it. 5 secs, for 5 secs you allowed me to taste death in the dawn of Friday, July 4th 2025, 8th Muharram 1447H; and I did not liked who I was, I remember I resigned to my fate when placed in the liang lahad and as the soil pours over me, but I knew I hadn’t prepared enough for death.

I was waiting for the Ma Rabb buka to hit me, but I knew I wasn’t ready. You allowed me to feel the weight of the earth covering me, on top of me, it was a load my back couldn’t bear, it was closing in and weighting heavily on me, I could feel it distinctly on my arms and fingers. It hit me that I hadn’t done well, I haven’t been praying, I was committing sins with my body; that I wasn’t in the best condition to pass on. I thought of my nephew, Ifrad, for some reason there was something that I wanted to do for him that now I wouldn’t be able to, worldly affairs that will just be left unfinished. I was afraid to face my fate but I was waiting for it to begin, the challenges of the grave. In my heart I could still Istighfar, I could still selawat, but I knew by that point it wouldn’t matter, it wouldn’t count; but still thank you for allowing me to seek refuge and peace in your remembrance and mercy, and selawat ya Allah. Allahhuakbar.

I woke up and it was 5:53AM, just 13 minutes after the Azan of fajr. Thank you ya rabb, ya Allah, ya Dzal Jalalai Wal Ikram, for pulling me back in the best of ways, in the best of manners. Thank you for allowing me another chance. Please help me remember this lesson always, till the end of my time and allow me a good end; allow me khusnul khotimah. Complete my doa for me ya rabb, my Iman, my Islam, my ehsan; allow me your afiah.

I choose to believe your mercy for me is from the mercy of good nature and wanting to do good that YOU’VE allowed of me. Product of the husnuzon you’ve allowed to me since young, product of all the doa you’ve always allowed me to make, when my Iman is high and when it’s low.

I choose to believe that your mercy at this time, in part, came from my desire and effort to do good this past week. For having helped a friend through his tumultuous period, separation and betrayal at the worst times. To having so much love for my niece and wanting good for her, and wanting to help and provide for her to and through a Madrasah education.

Only to you do I hope, only to you do I seek help. Thank you for everything you’ve granted me, of the things I know and realised, and of the things I don not know and realise. Help me in my affairs, allow me the best in this world and the hereafter. Allow me to die as a Muslim, in Iman, khusnul khotimah. Complete my doa for me, my Iman, my Islam, my ehsan; allow me afiah. Amin ya rabbal alamin.

PS: I haven’t been penning for some time. Thank you for allowing me this reminder and thank you for allowing me the relive that came from penning. ❤️

Thank you for everything you’ve granted me. Help me remember and be grateful. Help me stay true to my niah, help me do well in this life, and help help well; in ikhlas.

Thank you for the reminders, help me do well always. To you it’s only food, to you the price is inconsequential, but please never forget that that’s not the case for so many. Please be grateful. Please watch your action and reaction as is asked of you. You do not from your actions hurts others with what Allah has saw fit to provide you.

I thought I was okay, I thought I was strong. I drew strength from within. I did my duty. I upheld my responsibility. I did what was needed of me when it was expected of me. Weeks later, two weeks and some before I realised, it was all just a coping mechanism.

I did my duty, I wanted the best for my mother, as I should, but it was also to run away from my feelings. To run away from processing my grief. I thought I was strong, but I am not. I am breaking, but I have no one to share my sorrows. When she passed, so did my greatest supporter, my pillar of strength, someone I could hug, someone who understood me best.

I didn't realised I was just holding it all back, I was running on half capacity just to keep everything at bay. I spaced out while driving. I spaced out at work. I have no taste for food. I have no energy to continue learning, Thai language, Linux certification, and 2A motorcycle.