i still carry all my teen and preteen angst and anger (which is extra big bc of the whole ābisexual trans kid raised to be a raging homophobeā thing) with me because my abuse kept me from having any outlets, and my abuse lasted into adulthood until i decided that having nothing was the better option and chose homelessness.
i never ended up living on the streets, which was lucky because i didnāt (and donāt) have any skills or connections to be able to make my way like that, but after a few months i found myself being abused again, so i still had no outlets.
then suddenly things were better, at least somewhat, and i was embarrassed by the fact that i was 24 years old and facing down the same despondency and anger-at-nothing that i felt at 12, on top of current stress, so i hid it from everyone around me, which meant that i didnāt seek out any outlets even though i had the freedom (and even a little bit of money) to do so.
and i made friends, none of whom were local and very few of whom iāve ever met, and most of them have some-to-a-fuckton-of history with physical and/or sexual violence, which i canāt relate to, which leaves me feeling powerless to help when bad things related to that history come up and upset them.
all of this combines with the fact that i try really hard not to be a person who hurts people, and results in my deepest most persistent fantasy being that iāll get attacked and try to fight them off. i donāt even care if iām successful.
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