raging bisexual

The chatter in the car became white noise to him as he got lost in his thoughts. Unfortunately, or rather fortunately, Dustin was able to get him out of his trance with another one of his ridiculous questions.

By the time they arrived at Family Video, Steve's mood was way better than when he woke up. Dustin was impatiently standing by the front door while Steve looked for his keys. And as soon as he got out of the car he heard someone's laugh not far from them.

His good mood lasted for about 10 seconds.

Because he knew who that laugh belonged to.

There was only one girl on the entire planet whose laugh he could recognize this easily.

He knew he would only cause himself more pain, and yet, he couldn't stop himself from turning around, because for Steve it was instinct to acknowledge you, even when he didn't want to.

"There you are", he thought to himself.

Then his brain recognized the person you were laughing with, the person that should've been him.

James.

Fucking James Graham.

Your boyfriend. The one you've been dating for the past month. The one you grace with your smile. The one Steve has to hear about when you call him. The one whose name feels like a stab to the heart.

The one whose place Steve desperately wants to take.

He would give his arms and legs if it meant he would be the one you gush about, the one who makes you blush, the one who takes you on dates and spares every minute he has to spend it with you.

Steve was possessive with his friends, especially now that Dustin was always talking about Eddie this, Eddie that, Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. He wasn't angry at him, even though he might look like it. Steve felt a little neglected and his frustration came out in snark remarks aimed at his friend.

So no, Steve was not really a jealous person.

But Lord was he lying if he said he didn't want to take James's face and stitch it onto himself just so you would stare at him like that.

Maybe he was getting a little too graphic.

But he was sure as hell if he stared at you longer he would get in his car, go to the nearest cliff and drive off of it.

He didn't know how long he was standing there staring at you and James looking like a fucking creep, when Dustin grabbed the keys out of his hands with an impatient huff.

Steve allowed himself one last painful look, before following Dustin inside.

"You should've gotten your shit together sooner, you fucking moron."

----------------------------------------

Saying you were nervous would've been the understatement of the century.

You were currently in the bathroom, doing your hair and makeup, getting ready for your date tonight.

A date.

A date Steve set up for you with one of his old friends.

"What the fuck are you doing?", you kept thinking to yourself.

Ever since you accepted Steve's offer you've been living in a haze. A week passed you by in a blur and you woke up dreading tonight.

It's not like you were meeting with a stranger. You met James a couple of times during high school and despite having assholes for friends, he seemed actually nice.

No, there was this nagging voice in your head, the one some people would call Common Sense, that told you it was wrong. That this whole situation was wrong, that this isn't how it was supposed to go.

When Steve came over last week and you went from watching Grease to crying about never getting a date, you had thought he offered the set-up as a joke to comfort you.

And of course you said yes, because what else were you supposed to say to the boy with big brown eyes who treats you as his number one? "No, I can't go, because I'm catastrophically in love with you and I want YOU to date me amongst doing other things? "

Yeah, right.

Never in your wildest dreams would you have thought that he'd actually do it.

And now here you were, putting on your jacket with shaking fingers, hoping that James would cancel at the last minute.

But he didn't.

He showed up in time, opened doors for you and asked questions about you instead of talking about himself all night.

And you wanted to be angry at him. Maybe you were ridiculous for trying to find a fault or a mistake, just so you could end the date and go home.

But like Steve said, James was a gentleman. He looked like he really did enjoy talking to you, although he either didn't notice the fake tone in your voice, or he just didn't want to comment on it.

You wanted to be angry, you wanted something that would justify this feeling of wrongness in you, but you had to admit that James really was a good person. That you could see yourself dating someone like him.

But you didn't want someone like James. You wanted Steve.

You wanted Steve so badly that you agreed to this date in hopes that he would get jealous seeing you with someone that wasn't him and finally make a move. Yeah, you were such a goner for him you started to sound delirious.

So here you were, on a date with a guy you had no intention of dating, with a guy Steve set you up with, feeling like the shittiest person to exist for doing this to James.

Because he seemed to like you, even with how you were acting right now. And it wasn't fair to him, you knew that.

By the time he took you home, you had a fight with yourself on how to let him down gently.

"I-um, I know this might sound a little forward, but I wanted to ask you if we could-" James started, but you quickly cut him off before you could back out.

"I think we shouldn't be dating."

Silence fell on the car, and you could hear a needle drop. It made your skin crawl with nerves, but you continued.

"I know I should've said something sooner, and that this is not fair to you. I had to tell you now, because I don't want to lead you on, or-or make you think we want the same thing, when I don't." You told him and looked him in the eye. "You're a good guy James, just not for me. I'm really sorry."

James looked back at you silently, clearly both surprised and shocked by your sudden confession. He let out a long exhale, his fingers going through his hair, a sign of his confusion at the situation.

He sighed as he finally spoke up. "Well, shit." He leaned back in his seat. "I should've seen this coming."

"No, James, it's really not your fault-"

"Come on, you were zoning out all night, and you clearly looked like you didn't want to be there!" James sighed again and he rubbed his temple.

"I thought you had a bad day, I mean like, everyone has them, or you're probably just nervous or something!"

"I was nervous...just for a completely different reason." You said quietly and felt the familiar nerves flare up in you again as you waited for James's response. After a few seconds of silence he turned to you with a click of his tongue.

"It's someone else, isn't it?" You looked at him with furrowed brows, but when you didn't answer, he nodded his head as if he already knew the answer. "Of course." He mumbled more to himself than you. "It's always someone else."

"I'm sorry. I really am," you whispered to him and he let out a smile, a sad one, but a smile nonetheless. It made you relieved that maybe he wasn't as hurt as you thought he'd be.

"No, no, it's okay. It' neither of our faults. Can't control who we love, right?" He joked and you let yourself smile at that.

"Is he good?" He asked after a few seconds and it made your smile falter. "Is who good?"

"Come on, you know who! The one you were thinking about tonight," he said with a playful roll of his eyes. Despite his behaviour you still stared back at him with confusion.

"Are you sure you want to hear about the guy I was thinking about while we were on a date?" You asked him and he shrugged his shoulders with a faint smile.

"Well, despite acting like a gentleman I'm just like any other guy. I want to know who my competition is," he told you and you had to laugh at the fake cockyness in his voice.

After quickly considering your answer, you tell him about Steve. You don't mention his name, or anything that could make James recognize him, because that would be just mean.

Telling him you're in love with the very guy who set you two up on a date? Yeah, you're not going to ruin whatever friendship James and Steve has, despite the fact they rarely talk to each other anymore.

Your plan is ruined as soon as James opens his mouth.

"Wow. Steve Harrington does have it all. Rich parents, an empty house, great hair and a girl who's head over heels in love with him. Wow, just wow," he chuckles and you stare at him with a shocked expression, but he continues.

"I mean the guy used to be a ladies' man, he sure knows how to sweep you off your feet."

"He doesn't." You say and now it's his turn to look shocked. "That's, kind of the whole problem," you whisper.

It's silent for a few long minutes, and you're about to awkwardly thank James for dinner and get out of the car, when he turns to you with a mischievous smile.

"I might have a very stupid idea."

At first you were wary of his plan, because you were still not 100% sure he wasn't hurt over the date-fiasco, but James, bless his heart, reassured you multiple times that it's totally fine with him. Plus, his friends would stop trying to set him up for a while at least, so it's a win-win situation.

That's how you came to fake-date James Graham, high school graduate, current mechanic at the downtown auto shop. It's not like his name was the most popular in town, but when he stepped in somewhere some people recognized him. Probably an after-effect from his party goer time with Steve.

Also, he wasn't not good looking. He didn't have the perfect hair or the perfect body, but he was a handsome guy. Of course, he didn't make your heart flutter like Steve did, but you weren't blind, you knew he looked good.

A guy who can fix anything around your house, and also a gentleman? Yeah, you knew a few girls will be jealous of you.

But you didn't care about them, because you weren't actually dating. You held hands, hugged longer than friends do, maybe a kiss on the cheek every now and then. You and James had a long talk about what to do in certain situations to make it believable enough, without having to cross lines.

But no matter how many times James told you that Steve was about to crack, you were slowly losing hope.

One entire month of this facade and Steve was still making angry glances at James when he thought no one was looking, listened to your fake rambling about him and still didn't make a move.

Once he even drove you to your fucking date. You couldn't even keep your act up that night and James had to take you home so you could cry yourself to sleep.

Despite giving you a deep analysis of Steve's emotions, again, you were convinced that Steve was going to watch you date his friend, even if it slowly killed both of you.

---------------------------------------------

Steve felt like he was dropped on a battlefield with his sunglasses as his only armor.

There was a heaviness in his chest, his heart a ticking bomb that was ready to explode at the slightest trigger.

And the trigger was you.

He never thought you could ever become someone he was dreading to see, someone he tried to avoid, whose sole thought tightened his stomach, making him feel nauseous.

Coming to this "high school reunion" party at Tommy's place was turning out to be a very bad idea.

The red solo cup turned into his only weapon. Always ready to be filled, but never staying empty. Drink after drink, cigarette after cigarette, Steve slowly but surely reached rock bottom. Stumbling around, laughing with people he had just met, knocking things over.

And when Robin finally found him outside, she could see what everyone else overlooked.

This wasn't Steve Harrington. This was King Steve, who could drink inhuman amounts of alcohol and smoked two packs a day.

Right now he was the very person he was afraid of returning to, the person he left in the past.

"Uh, Steve?"

He froze at the sound of Robin's voice. He surprised himself by registering it over the sound of the music and the crowd.

"Steve? You okay? Why are you out here?" Robin asked him, concern evident in her eyes.

Maybe it was the drinks he forgot to count, or the cigarettes he smoked on top of them, nevertheless he had something to blame his behaviour on.

When Robin asked again if he was okay, Steve just gulped down his drink and stomped on his cigarette, before lighting another one.

"Everythin's fine, party's great, people are great, music could be a bit betterr," Steve's words were slurred, but he didn't correct himself, he just kept on rambling.

"But yeah, everythin's fine. Everythin' is fucking great, I'm havin' the time of my life, drinking and ssmoking. You know, I stoped smokin' around her, cause she hates the smell, but she's not here, so I can do what I want! And right now I. Need. Another. Drink!"

Steve said and began stumbling his way inside the house, only for Robin to step in front of him. She looked at him with a very worried face, grabbing the cigarette out of his mouth.

Steve looked down at Robin's hand holding it, then his eyes slowly looked up to her face with a kind of gaze that could only be described as empty.

A few strands of his hair fell into his face, and his eyes looked void of any emotion, the familiar warmthness gone from them. His eyes were rimmed with tears, blurring his vision and Steve felt his composure crumble the longer Robin looked at him with those sad eyes.

The numerous drinks he had opened the gate to the thoughts he was harboring for the past month, and every single one of them revolved around you.

Every feeling, every emotion, every thought had one thing in common and that was you.

"How many drinks you had, dingus?" Robin asked him gently, but Steve didn't answer, because he was suddenly focused on something else behind Robin's back.

When she turned she immediately saw why he was acting this way. There you were, laughing and dancing with James inside the house.

Robin turned back to Steve with a pitiful look, noticing his shoulders curling inwards and he was maybe seconds away from dropping to the ground. His eyes slowly glanced at Robin and then back to you, and his lips began to wobble.

He looked down at the red solo cup in his hand, wondering how much alcohol would it take for his body to become flammable. Robin noticed the faraway look on his face and grabbed him by the shoulders.

"Okay, listen dingus, you can't keep doing this to yourself. Either move on, or make a move. You can't pine after her all your life," Robin told him matter-of-factly, like she always does.

Steve let out a shaky chuckle. "I alreadydo," he mumbled.

Robin just shook her head with a sigh. "Okay, I really didn't want to do this, but someone has to say it. Get your shit together Steve!" Robin shook him by the shoulders and Steve looked at her with furrowed brows. The movement didn't help with his blurry vision.

"What?" He asked, narrowing his eyes.

"You heard me! Grow a pear and talk to her you moron! You're in love with your best friend and you had the brilliant idea to set her up with your friend?! What the hell did you expect?! That she'll say no? When she deliberately told you she never goes on a date?! You chicken out all the time, so be a man and tell her you love her!!" Robin yelled at him and Steve had to take a step back.

"Whyyy are you yelling? Jesus, Rob, I'm drunk not deaf," Steve mumbled, but made no move to do what she said.

"Yeah, and that's exactly why you should talk to her right now! While you still have something to blame your shit behaviour on!" She told him and Steve shook his head.

"Rob, I love you, but I'd rather kill myself than see her with another guy."

"And whose fault is that, huh?" Robin asked incrediously, and Steve smiled sadly at her, some of his tears escaping and rolling down his face.

"I know I'm an idiot." Steve sniffled. " And I just...miss her. I miss her so much Robin, you don't know. I'm happy she's with a good guy, 'cause James is a good guy, so she should be happy with him. But I know she would be so much happier with me," Steve's voice cracked and Robin had to hold back her own tears.

"T's my fault, everythin's my fault," he whispered. "I missed my chance, and now she's with someone else and I feel like... dying?" He asked the last word more than saying it.

"But like, you know, not in a depressing "I'm sad I want to die" way, more like kinda, like, when I see them together I want to gauge my eyes out, or-or bash my head into concrete," Steve sniffled again, then let out a chuckle as he swayed on his feet.

"And now, the loser I am, I am crying to you about her, because I miss her, I miss her so much, and-Fuck, I already said that, but I love her, and now there's this other guy, who probably loves her too, and I'm just-I just-"

Steve felt himself collapse onto Robin as she hugged him, letting him cry into her shoulder.

"Seeing her with someone that isn't me is pain Robin, it's painful. I love her and it hurts," Steve sobbed and Robin hugged him tighter.

"Is this a bad time to say 'Welcome to the club'?" She asked and after a pause Steve let out a watery chuckle. Robin sighed in relief that she didn't make her already miserable friend even more miserable.

Steve pulled away to wipe his face with his sweater's sleeve and Robin gave him a pat on his shoulder. "You're basically the last one to find out."

"You guys knew?" He asked, somewhat sobering up. Robin looked back at him with an 'Are you serious?' look. "It's completely obvious, you look at her like there's no one else around. Which, sounds very romantic and everything, but like, it's irritating when you can't hear the customer standing in front of you because you're daydreaming about her again."

"Oh." Steve mumbled, and after a long pause shook his head. "I do that?"

"Yes. Very frequently."

"Fuuuuuck," he sighed as he closed his eyes for a second.

For a long minute neither of them said anything. Steve stared at the cup in his hand, visibly in deep thought, and Robin was ready to ask him if he was okay again, when Steve spoke up.

"So...I should, I should talk to her, right now?" He sounded unsure, which was not a common thing Steve did.

"Are you asking or saying that?" Robin asked back and she saw Steve take a deep breath and straighten himself, or at least tried given his drunken state.

"I should talk to her," he mumbled, then looked up at Robin and nodded, gaining more confidence. "I should talk to her. No, I will talk to her. Right now." He nodded again as he handed his cup to Robin and rushed inside.

She had to stiffle her laugh as Steve stumbled on his own feet and tried to make it look like it was the sliding door.

---------------------------------------------

You felt him before you saw him.

You turned your head just barely enough to see Steve looking around the crowd of people, clearly looking for you.

James handed you a cup of something but you couldn't move. It was as if every nerve and muscle in your body was anticipating something, waiting.

You took a sip from your drink, then another, and without thinking you drank the entire thing. You handed the cup back to James who looked at you with hidden worry, but didn't question you.

You turned your head back to see if Steve was still there, and as soon as you did all the air left your lungs.

Steve was staring right back at you.

Your eyes were locked on his, and you couldn't have looked away even if you tried to. His hair looked messy from running his hands through it too much, a clear sign of his frustration.

The brown eyes you loved so much were replaced by a darker look, the bright color almost nonexistent. You took in the way he seemed slightly out of breath, how stiffly he was standing.

Then he took a step closer. Another step. As he got closer you noticed the brief moment his eyes glanced at something behind you, before finding you again. You tilted your head just enough to realize James was still standing close to you, but now he had a smug smile on his face.

You poke his arm and he flashed you that same smile with a look that clearly meant to say "I told you he was about to crack."

You turned back and you were met with Steve, who was standing right in front of you now. You felt your heart literally beat against your chest as he took a step closer, and the noise around you got muffled. You saw his lips moving but your ears couldn't register what he was saying.

As if he could sense what you were feeling, like he had done countless times before, he nodded towards the sliding door where he just came from. Your head nodded before your brain even had time to grasp what he was asking. Steve sent a look towards James, a look you couldn't describe, before walking towards the door.

Once outside, you noticed just how loud everything was inside, and felt your hearing come back to you.

Steve stepped in front of you, his gaze not leaving yours. He opened his mouth to speak but immediately closed it, as if changing his mind. He let out an irritated sigh, looking down at the ground before lifting his head back up.

"This sounded better drunk," he mumbled to himself, and took a deep breath.

"I've been dreading this conversation for the past month." Steve looked at you. "I-I had this talk with my mirror, my closet, my car, my keys and my-, with practically every inanimate object I could find to prepare myself fro this and I still don't feel ready. It's not like that kept me from much though, so umm-" he sighed, running his hand through his hair.

"Do you love him?"

Everything in you froze at his question. You held your breath as if he knocked it out with a simple question.

"W-what?" You whispered.

"Do. You. Love. Him?" Steve asked again, but this time he looked...Scared? Hurt? Was that hurt in his eyes? You kept staring back at him in shock, and you both knew it wasn't because you didn't hear him. You both knew who he was talking about.

"No."

That one, simple word slapped Steve back into the present and he let out a long and shaky sigh as if something was visibly lifted off of him.

"I don't love James," you continued, your breathing barely under control. "But Steve, what's going o-"

"Dump him." He interrupted you and you were breathless again. Not exactly because of what he said, but how he said it. The raw emotions in his eyes, his bright brown eyes, made it unable to look anywhere that wasn't him.

"Break up with him, leave him, do something please, because I can't take this anymore." He shook his head his voice trembling from his emotions.

You felt your eyes burn seeing Steve, your best friend, the boy you were irrevocably in love with, in this much visible pain. Your heart was screaming for an entirely different reason now.

"Can't take what anymore? You-, I-I don't understand, what are you saying Steve?" You asked him on the verge of tears.

Steve took a step closer to you and you could see just how desperate he looked. His chest was heaving, clearly just as out of breath as you felt. His lips trembled as he opened his mouth to speak.

"I can't watch you date James any longer, because I might just light myself on fire. And I don't mean that literally, but that's what it feels like when I see you two together, because it just reminds me of the-,my biggest loss in my whole life, because it feels like I have lost you," he swallowed before quickly continuing. "A-and I know how desperate I'm sounding right now, but frankly, I don't give a damn, because I have lost one entire month of my life that I could've spent with you!"

"And whose fault is that?!" You asked back but immediately regretted it. Your eyes went wide at your own words and you watched Steve's face fall.

"I-I'm sorry, Steve I didn't mean that-"

"You think I don't know that?" He asked and it made you shut up. "I know I screwed up, okay? I ditched you if I could, I made things awkward for you and-, damn it I'm the one who arranged the fucking date for you, what the hell did I expect?!" Steve exclaimed at his own actions.

"We both screw up, okay? You think I would give you hints while "dating" someone else if I didn't want you to ask me out?" You air quoted dating and watched Steve's face slowly go from confusion to realization.

"What? What do you mean by "dating"?" He air quoted back to you, sobering up.

"It was fake!" You exclaimed, all the pent up emotions bubbling to the surface. "We were pretending to date each other so you would get jealous! All the times I talked about him and showed him off at your work, I was hoping you would have enough of it!"

Your breathing became ragged as you tried to slow down your racing heart, but Steve didn't give you a chance to collect yourself from your outburst, because in one second he was holding your face in his hands.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please tell me I have a chance to make this right. I'll-I'll beg if I have to, but just tell me I still have a chance to be with you," he paused, "If you love me just half as much as I love you. I won't screw it up, I promise you."

You didn't notice when you began crying, just that Steve wiped your cheeks with his hands despite on the verge of crying himself. You opened your mouth to say something back to him, not caring how much your voice trembled.

"I-I don't even know-, I-It's, fuck-why is it this hard to say I love you when I actually have to say it?" You complain and feel Steve's hands began to shake on your face and it makes you look up at him.

"Steve? Oh-" You let out a surprised gasp before his lips crash onto yours.

There's nothing slow in the way he kisses you, no, he pours every ounce of his repressed jealousy and desperation into the way he moves his lips. You might sound crazy, but you swear you can taste his hopefulness.

It's not like you're holding back either.

You grip the shirt at his chest with such force you would worry you might actually tear it, if you cared about that at the moment. No, at the moment you were busy with trying to make him taste your own emotions. The kiss becomes frantic, and suddenly the two of you are trying to eat each other up.

Steve pulls apart just enough to mumble onto your lips. "I love you." He kisses you again, then moves to your jaw. "I love you," he kisses your neck, "I love you so goddamn much." He nibbles at the spot between your ear and neck, letting out a quiet groan at your gasp.

"I love you Steve," you whisper onto his skin as you kiss his jaw. "I've been in love with you since you put on that ridiculous Scoops outfit." You kiss him again and he pulls apart briefly to look at you.

"That long? You've been in love with me for almost two years?" Steve asks you with wide eyes, voice disbelieving and you just nod. "We could've been together for two years?" He asked with a teary chuckle and you smiled back at him.

He leaned his forehead against yours and let out a long exhale, before quickly snapping his head up. "Wait did you answer? Do you give me a cha-"

This time it was you who interrupted him, kissing him the same way he did mere moments ago. It seemed Steve didn't have to be told twice to kiss you, because he instantly followed your rhythm, even deepening the kiss.

"Guess you sobered up Steve, huh?"

The voice made both of you pull away and turn towards the sounds. Robin and James were standing a few feet from you, with a smug smile on their faces.

"You guys look like you've seen a ghost," James added casually. You and Steve stood stiff next to each other, trying to look normal and comically failing at it.

"Come on, don't act like you weren't down each others throats! We're glad you finally got your act together."

"Robin?" Steve asked with a tight voice.

"Yes, dingus?"

"Go back. Or go home. I don't care. Leave us alone."

"Ooooh, the lovebirds want some alone time?" James asked on a lady-like voice and it was your turn to glare at him.

"James?"

"Yes, hun?"

"I'm dumping you."

"Given that you were basically dry humping Steve, I gathered that."

"Okay, if you don't leave than we will." Steve said and looked at you for permission before taking your hand and pulling you away.

You glanced back and saw Robin and James wave and laugh at the two of you. You turned back to Steve and squeezed his hand once, still not completely believing what happened.

Steve loves you. Steve kissed you. Steve is in love with you.

It wasn't until you were sitting in the passenger seat of Steve's car that you didn't know where Steve was taking you.

"Where are we going Steve?" You asked as he started the car.

"Mine. Or yours. Whatever you want," he said and looked at you for further instructions.

"Well, if you ask me, I wouldn't mind continuing what we were doing before," you told him with a small smile and Steve smiled back at you. "Yeah, you want that?"

"Yes, I want to do that. Very much so, but...no funny business, Harrington," you whispered, leaning closer to him and he mirrors your actions.

"We could watch paint dry for all I care, if it means I get to hold you all night," he whispers and you feel your heart skip a beat at the sincerety in his voice.

"Making up for lost time already?" You ask him playfully and he pecks your lips before shifting the car into gear.

"Never too soon to start earning my boyfriend status, right?"

The road is dark, the only thing shining is the headlights of the car. It's quiet between you for a minute before you turn in your seat to face Steve.

"Hey, Steve?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

"Hey, Y/N?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

Word count: 5401 (Woah, this was supposed to be a short imagine, sorry)

Warnings: some cursing (courtesy of Dustin), tiny mention of trauma (The Upside Down effect yk), protective!Steve, lovesick!Steve

Aithor's note: I was about to BUST when I saw finale!Steve in a suit after the time jump. Wishing he would exist😭

You've never, ever, in your life wished so hard to fail a test.

A test where a positive was actually a negative.

A test that was supposed to come later, much later in your life. Later, when the apartment you lived in with your fiancé was switched for a small house, when you could comfortably afford to take a long leave from your job, when the absence of your friend group wasn't making you tear up anymore.

Definitely not barely a year after your brother graduated high school and your boyfriend slipped that ring on your finger.

Your mind has been racing for the past weeks, conjuring up scenario after scenario where the situation was going to blow up in your face. Sometimes your mind drifted to your former self, the girl who took shit from no one, who said what she thought, usually disregarding her fears.

Get your shit together, goddamn it! You told yourself at least twice a day.

Steve, loving, caring Steve, noticed your awkwardness of course. The way your mind would drift off out of the blue, your eyes unfocusing, deep in thought. The way you seemed to jump at every noise, your smile more dull day by day, week by week, the smile never reaching your eyes.

The way you always seemed to have something on the tip of your tongue, the words never making it past your thoughts. The way you seemed to close yourself off from him, piece by piece.

And it made Steve wonder if he was working too much lately, if the longer hours, and the longer he stayed away from home, was slowly taking its toll on your relationship and you were too afraid to say anything to him.

Frankly, Steve began to find it hard to remember the last time the two of you sat down and enjoyed a nice dinner with each other, or just talked for more than a few minutes. The guilt began to eat at his heart, just thinking about how lonely you must have gotten because he was always working.

Sure, he did it so you could live comfortably, all of his efforts were for you, but it seemed he began to forget about you during the process.

So in his usual Harrington fashion, Steve took this week's Friday off without you knowing, and began planning a candlelit dinner, just the two of you at the comfort of your home.

Little did he know, it would turn out to be a very surprising Friday night.

"Yeah, yeah, we'll be there, just stop trying to make me go deaf, Henderson," Steve held the phone away from his ear, while looking at you.

The two of you were standing in your kitchen, you giving in to your cravings, while Steve handled Dustin, or at least tried to.

"Right, because you're soooo mature now," he scoffed. There was some mumbling from your brother on the other side and Steve scoffed again. "You literally had a burping contest with Mike and Lucas two weeks ago!"

"Okay, woah, hey, HEY, that's not something you should be proud of, man," Steve rubbed his eyes and you had to chuckle at the sight. Hearing it, Steve turned to you with a dramatic expression, mouthing Are you laughing at me?

"I am. Who knew my brother would be the first to gave you grey hairs?" You told him, munching on your second plate of grilled cheese sandwiches.

"What?" Steve asked into the phone. He tried to glare at you, but all it took for him was one smile from you and he melted, stepping closer to kiss your cheek.

"Yeah she's right here. Of course she's coming, she might put some sense into you morons."

"Hey, only I get to call my brother a moron," you said, to which Dustin mumbled something awfully similar to Fuck you.

"Yeah, all right. We'll be there. Bye." Not even a second after putting down the phone, Steve's hands were on you, around you, pulling you into him by your waist.

"What's he called about?" You asked, finishing your plate. Steve grabbed it from your hand and put it behind you on the counter as he answered. "Just a little get together tomorrow at your old place. Mike, Lucas and Max are going to be there, even Robin might drop by."

"No Nancy or the Byers boys?"

"Nah, Dustin said they couldn't make it, but send their best," Steve said, drawing slow circles on your sides, gazing into your eyes with the same intensity he always did when the two of you were fully alone.

"How are you today, future Mrs. Harrington?" He leaned his forehead on yours, his voice smooth as silk, and you could hear the little smirk in his tone.

Ever since you told him you were pregnant, once a day he asked about your wellbeing. At first you thought it was going to get a little annoying, but soon it became part of your daily routine.

"I haven't thrown up yet, so, good so far. A little tired, maybe. But that could be due to your snoring," you joked and he pulled his head away from you so fast, he almost gave himself whiplash.

"I don't snore!" He exclaimed offended, but you just smiled back at him. "Oh honey, you totally do." "I do not!" "You so are!" "You're hallucinating, that must be your hormones," he said casually, and it was your turn to look offended.

"Did you just say my hormones are making me crazy?" Steve had the nerve to smile at you.

"I mean, you were already crazy when you decided to fight off Demogorgons with nothing but a lighter and hairspray, so this doesn't make a difference. You may be crazy, but you're my crazy baby," Steve said and kissed you.

"Forever," he smiled into the kiss, gently caressing the ring on your finger and you giggled as he began peppering your face with kisses.

"Steve, stop it!" You laughed and he shook his head. "Not when you laugh like that."

The way he said it so casually, almost too casual for a random morning, made your heart speed up and not just because it was working overtime for two people. You were already head over heels, but these little declarations that sometimes slipped out of him only made your love harden.

"Are you flirting with me right now?" You asked and he just hummed as he trailed kisses on your jaw. "I already said yes to marrying you, and we're having a baby, so you don't have to 'win me over' anymore."

"So what, I can't appreciate the mother of my child, the light of my life?" He asked back, before continuing to kiss your cheeks. "Or one of them at least."

That's it, your heart is going to burst from all the love you have for this man. Cause of death: overdosing. From love.

Steve leaned his forehead on yours again, but his eyes were cast down towards your small bump. Mostly it looked like you were just bloated all the time, what with being four months along.

It didn't matter though, because as soon as Steve could find a little curve, he couldn't not glance at it, caress it, or - much to your annoyance most of the time - talk to it at night.

But it was sweet, and somehow it always made you tear up when he would talk to your little bump at night, casually, as if they could answer him. And though he always said he doesn't care about the gender, you knew he was just talking shit.

Because as soon as you leave the gynecologist's office, he begans jumping up and down, spinning you around and yelling in the parking lot.

"A girl! It's a girl! I'm having a daughter!"

"How do we tell him?"

Steve glanced at you from the driver's seat, on your way to your mother's house.

"What?" He asked turning down the radio to hear you better.

His hearing was never the same after the beating he took from the Russians, and sometimes it annoyed him that he couldn't do things the same way as before. Like, for example, listening to the radio during conversations.

"How do we tell Dustin we're having a baby?" You asked again, your hand automatically shifting to your little bump out of habit.

"Well, I kinda just hoped we wouldn't have to mention it," Steve shrugged and you looked at him with a confused expression. "And why?"

Steve sighed. "I mean, you're still his sister, and the moment we tell him, he's going to try and beat me up as if I corrupted you or he begins lecturing me with words I can't even pronounce, and I don't need that attitude today," Steve told you and you raised a brow.

"You almost took down a Demodog with your bare hands, but you draw the line at telling my brother you knocked me up?"

"Well, when you say it like that, of course it sounds bad," he scoffs and you fully turn towards him.

"And what do you suppose? We never tell them and just hope they won't notice that I inflated like a giant waterballoon?" You asked him with a huff and turned back to look out the windshield.

"But you'll be the most gorgeous waterballoon!" Steve smiled at you with one of his hands coming to rest on your thigh. You just glared back at him and his smile slowly faded.

"We're totally and royally screwed."

"The Harringtons are here!"

Lucas exclaimed when you and Steve entered the house. You took a quick glance at the room and you instantly felt as if everyone was staring at you, the familiar nerves flaring up.

"Soon-to-be Harringtons," you corrected, when you heard a voice from behind you.

"Not for long, if it were up to this dingus," Robin said as she came to hug you. "Jesus, it feels like I could never visit you without him hovering."

"You know how he is," you agreed while Steve sighed behind you, mumbling to himself 'I'm literally right here'. When Steve hugs Robin she pinches his waist to which he lets out a not-so-manly yelp, making the others laugh.

"How many times do I gotta tell you to stop doing that?!" Steve exclaims and Robin just smiles back at him. "I'll stop when you stop falling for it."

You finally spot Dustin and give him a long hug, even after he tells you to stop because he's not a baby anymore. You tell him he's still going to be even when you're 70.

The conversations flow easily, and for a few minutes it feels like no time has passed at all and you're seventeen again. The boys joke and laugh like they're just kids, still oblivious to otherwordly dimension, with Steve trying to make sure Dustin's not spilling his drink because of his hand gestures -again- on the couch, or the floor, or anywhere in general.

Robin and you talk each other's ears off, not moving from your spots in the kitchen. Despite staying with her for a long time, whenever you reach for your glass it never stays empty. And you know exactly why.

Steve comes and goes between the kids and you, asking if you're okay or need anything, to which Robin always ushers him away, teasing him about acting like an overbearing parent. Well, she was not entirely wrong.

And when the chatter seems to slowly die down, Steve thinks you might get to go home without announcing your pregnancy.

Then the nausea hits tenfold.

You bolt to the bathroom.

You push poor Dustin out of the way, leaving him confused, as you rush to the toilet to empty your stomach. You can faintly hear Steve explaining that you caught something but didn't want to miss today.

Then you hear footsteps, a click and his hands are on your back and holding your hair. Thankfully the nausea went as quickly as it came, so you flush the toilet and lean your head against the cool wall of the bathroom. Steve has the same worried look he does everytime this happens, despite knowing it comes with pregnancy.

"Everything alright?" He asks gently, drawing slow circles on your back to soothe you. You close your eyes and nod, but he doesn't move away yet. "You know I need you to say it," he teases and you let out a little smile. "I'm fine. For now," you manage and he let out a relieved sigh.

"Alright. Do you want me to get you something?"

"Did they ask a lot of questions?" You ask back but he grimaces, and you raise a brow. "Oh no, what happened?"

"I think we have three seconds before little Henderson bursts through the door, demanding what is wrong with you and why am I letting you be sick," Steve tells you and all you can manage is a laugh.

Your shoulders begin to shake as you try and hold it together, while Steve looks more and more confused. "Oh come on, princess, really? This is not the time to laugh at me!"

"I mean, think about it," you giggle, "My brother, who you used to practically babysit, finds out you knocked me up, and puts all of his five feet into beating you, as if he was my father."

After a few seconds Steve's dramatic expression melts and he's also fighting not to laugh out loud at the absurdity of the situation. "Okay, yeah, when you put it like that, it sounds like a victorian period drama."

Before either of you can burst out laughing, a knock -or more like a bang- comes from the bathroom door and you both turn towards the sound. Another loud bang echoes through the room, before you hear Dustin's voice. Steve quickly helps you up from the floor before opening the door, only to reveal a worried-looking Dustin.

"Finally! I thought you were going to drown each other or something," he says to him, before turning to you, clocking your slightly pale face but otherwise fine state. "You good? What the hell was that?"

You spare a second to glance at Steve and he has that look in his eyes. The one that says 'We should tell him'. You purse your lips but Steve tilts his head with a serious look 'Better now than later'.

"Okay, hello, Earth to the lovebirds, mind decoding what you're doing? I can't read your minds," Dustin says, which brings your attention back to him.

"Guess we're doing this here." You grab his arm and bring him inside and Steve closes the door behind him, as you face your bewildered brother.

"Are you going to kill me?" Dustin asks, looking from you to Steve and back to you. Steve furrows his brows as he puts his hands on his hips. "Why is that literally the first thing you can think of?"

"I don't know, you two look a little...murder-y," Dustin shrugs and now it's your turn to sigh.

"Okay, look, there's no easy way to do this, so I'll just say it out loud," you tell him, but before you can open your mouth again Dustin interrupts you.

"Did you kill someone?" He asks and Steve looks even more confused than before. "Why do you assume it has to do with death?"

"Well, you know, we've killed a lot of monsters and people in the past, I wouldn't put it past behind us. Plus, you two look like you're conspiring something, and it's a little suspicious." Dustin shrugs and crosses his arms over his chest.

You roll your eyes while Steve and Dustin get into it.

"That's how people look whe they have important news."

"You looked confused, but that's not anything new."

"Watch it Henderson!"

"Or what? You're going to kill me?"

"If you say that one more time, I might just-"

"I'M PREGNANT!"

Both of them turn to you in silence. Steve lets out a relieved sigh, muttering something like Finally that's out of the bag. Dustin looks at you for a long second with furrowed brows, but then his lips curl into a smile.

"Ha-ha, very funny, good joke," he says and now it's your turn to look confused.

"What? I'm not joking Dusty," you tell him but he just laughs.

"I mean, can you imagine Steve being a parent? He forgot me at the store two weeks ago!" He laughs and Steve galres at him in return, before sharing a confused look with you.

"I think we broke your brother," Steve mutters from next to you and the longer Dustin laughs, the more you start to wonder if Steve's right.

Finally, you had enough of Dustin's antics and finally put an end to this.

"Dustin, I am pregnant!" You reprimand him, but it seems like he can't stop laughing. But when neither of you laugh with him, and instead share nervous glances, Dustin's laughter slowly dies down.

He quickly takes notice of Steve's closeness to you, the way his hand rests on your waist, right near your abdomen. When you see his eyes travel to your stomach, you smooth your shirt over the little bump, making it more visible.

You see the exact moment it all clicks for him, because in three seconds Dustin leaps to Steve.

"You son of a bitch! You knocked up my sister!" He shouts and tries to hit Steve, who leans away from him as fast as he can to avoid getting a black eye from Dustin.

"We're literally engaged!" Steve shouts back, but Dustin doesn't stop.

"I don't care, you knocked her up!" He yells and Steve makes a beeline for the door, literally running away from Dustin, who trails after him, shouting "You asshole!"

You hurry after them and watch Steve run through the front yard, trying to get into his car before Dustin can reach him. He doesn't make it far, because Dustin jumps onto his back, making the both of them fall to the ground.

"How could you do this?!" Dustin hits Steve's chest who fights the urge to punch him back. "She's my sister, you dickhead!"

"We're adults and we're in a relationship, Henderson!" Steve yells back and Dustin quickly gets off of him.

He turns back to the house, where now everyone stares with confused and bewildered expressions. Dustin turns back to Steve, still sitting on the ground trying to catch his breath, and points at the house.

"Tell them," he rasps, also catching his breath.

"What?" Steve asks and Dustin raises his voice. "Tell them what you've done!"

Steve rolls his eyes and then looks back at everyone that gathered at the front door, but the only thing he catches is the small smile forming on your lips. He raises a brow as if saying Really?, and then sighs.

"We're having a baby," Steve says and for a few seconds nothing happens. Then everyone erupts.

"Oh my God, I'm gonna be an auntie!" Robin screeches and hugs you immediately.

"Eww, what?" Mike mutters.

"You're pregnant?" Lucas turns to you with a confused look.

"Why is everyone surprised? They're on each other all the time," Max says to the boys, before giving you a quick hug too.

"How long have you known? And why didn't you tell us? Why didn't you tell me? We talk all the time! Oh my God, did you already know when I called last-" Robing begans rambling and you have to grab her to stop her word vomiting.

"I only told Steve a few weeks ago. And we wanted to make sure the baby was safe before saying anything," you tell them. "I'm a little past four months along."

Noticing the way Dustin's entire body stills at your statement, you begin to regret telling that.

You can practically see the wheels turning in his head, going through the information in his head, as if he's trying to-

Oh. Oh no.

"Come on, man, leave me alone!" Steve shouts as Dustin pounces on him, hitting his chest again.

"You hooked up with her on the 4th of July?!" Dustin practically shrieks, and the kids wince beside you. Lucas and Mike share a face of disgust, saying things like "Not the field party!" and "Come on, right in front of us?"

And as if some higher power decided to step on you personally, Robin turns to you, her jaw on the floor. Then a cheeky grin blooms on her face and she leans closer to you.

"For the love of God, please, tell me it wasn't at the old Byers house," she whispers and you can't help, but copy her grin. "No, it wasn't," you say, deliberately waiting a few seconds, before quickly adding, "But, remember when we went to "grab more snacks"?"

"You did not!" Robin exclaimed, making the others turn towards her, but both of you ignored them. "You did it at their house?!"

By now the kids were watching the two of you, which you shouldn't have ignored anymore, because it ment they were going to hear the last piece of detail that would probably send them reeling.

"Well, technically we didn't...But it's probably better that you didn't come to the driveway," you mumbled, but it was still loud enough for her to here.

And everyone else standing on the porch based on the gagging sounds the guys made.

"EW, come on!" Mike grimaced, followed by Lucas. "That's disgusting! Y'all are adults!"

"Well, that explains why Steve's car smelled like a hospital for weeks," Max mumbles with a grimace. "You old people can't keep it in your pants, can you?" She asked.

"I'm barely 4 years older than you," you deadpanned but Max just shrugged her shoulder.

"NOT IN THE CAR!?" Robin and the boys yelled at the same time, making even Dustin's head turn towards you with a deadly glare.

"What did you just say?"

"Fuck, you set him off again," you mumbled to them, before rushing to Dustin, hoping he won't try to beat the father of your child again.

"Okay, Dusty, listen to me. You can be angry at Steve all you want, because I know you're just being protective of me," you start and Steve looks at you with a dramatic epression. "Way to defend me baby, I love you too."

"Just shut up for a minute," you sigh and focus back on Dustin. "Look, if you're worried about Steve doing something wrong, or Heaven forbid hurt me, even if only with words-"

"If he hurts you I'll kill him. You'll be a widow, but I'll make sure you're not a sad one," he tells you without hesitation and it makes you roll your eyes.

"You can't kill him."

"I can and I will if he hurts you."

"No, you won't because I love him."

"I can hide the body," Dustin shrugs.

"And I can cover the tracks," Lucas adds from behind you.

"I'll make alibis, I mean I can lie pretty good to cops," Mike joins them. Max and Robin watch the exchange with eyerolls and shaking head, probably thinking Ah, boys.

"Why are you all planning my death?" Steve pipes up from next to you, deeming it safe to finally stand up after Dustin tuckled him to the ground twice.

"You boys won't kill him, stop with that!" You reprimand them, but it's as if your voice came in one of their ears and went out the next.

"We're pretty good at covering tracks after all we've did with the Upside Down, I mean-"

"No killing!"

"If he does anything to-"Dustin starts and you're quick to shut him up.

"I'm engaged to him and he's the father of my child!"

"Eh, formalities," he shrugs and Steve lets out an offended scoff. "Listen here, Henderson-"

"Will you just shut up?!" You exclaim and the loud noise seems to make them do as you say. "Thank you. Now, can we talk, like functioning adults do?"

"You mean us?" Robin asks, but no one answers.

You look at Dustin with a mix of confusion and the kind of love only a sibling can feel for another sibling. "Dusty, why are you so worried about this whole thing?"

"Worried? I'm not worried-" he begans, but the slight crack in his voice gives him away.

"Oh please, it might take me longer to absorb a thought but I'm not stupid. I know you. So, why are you so worried?" You ask him, more gently this time, not wanting him to blow up again.

"It's just that-I mean this whole thing is like when you moved out, or when we finished high school and everyone just goes away, and you're here in Hawkins, but you're not here, not in this house, hell, not even in the same part of town as me, and whenever I visit, you always have something else to do and ditch me. And it feels like I'm a kid again who's the third wheel with you and Steve, just being ignored. And I hate it when you ignore me!" He raises his voice at the end and his confession makes your heart hurt.

You shot a quick glance towards Steve, and you can see the guilt on him clear as day. And you know exactly how bad it hurts for him to hear these things from his best friend, after telling it to you countless times.

"I mean, I know you love Steve and he's like, disgustingly in love with you and literally loses consciousness anytime you look at him, and I'm-I'm happy for that, I am happy that you have him," Dustin continues and it makes your eyes tear up, which you of course blame on the hormones.

"It's just, being your third wheel for a while, I also know how much he's hurt you before. I was the one you cried to when you guys broke up. But he's apologized, made it up to you and and blah blah blah, I know that, I know that," he looks down at his fidgeting hands. "I may be the younger one, but I always thought it's my job to protect you from guys like him, who can break your heart. And after finally leaving my third-wheel status, you drop this bomb on me, when you guys known for weeks, when you visited me knowing you were pregnant and just...didn't want to tell me. And that hurts."

You tried to keep it cool, you really did. Your tears seemed to have a mind of their own, staining your face and you used your sleeve to dry your eyes, failing. You could hear Steve's faint voice saying Oh, sweetheart.

"Dustin, I-" You couldn't even begin apologizing, because Dustin suddenly hugged you like when he was a child, who had nightmares and you had to hold him. Your hand instinctively caressed his head while the other squeezed him tight.

"Are you happy?" He asked quietly so only you could hear. You let out a sound that sounded more like a sob than a laugh, and nodded against him. "I'm very, very happy," you whispered back.

You began to pull away, when out of the blue three other bodies crashed against the two of you and you let out a laugh. Lucas, Mike and Max were hugging the two of you, practically caging you into the group hug, while Robin lingers just beside you.

"Hey, watch out for the special cargo!" Steve told them sternly and all of the kids rolled their eyes in union. "Don't you make that face at me, Wheeler!"

"He's already got the dad voice practiced," Lucas said and you guys laughed when Steve said "I heard that!"

"Don't worry, we'll watch out for Mom in case you fuck up," Dustin added which only seemed to aggragate Steve more, so you gently pinched Dustin. "Be nice, Uncle Dustin."

"Oh shit, yeah!" Mike turns to him. "Dude, you're gonna be an uncle!"

"Shit," Dustin turn to you. "Will you name the kid after me?"

"Why the hell would I do that?" You ask him, brows furrowed in confusion.

"People name their kids after aunts and uncles all the time," Lucas backs him up and you narrow your eyes.

"This child already has trouble cursing through its veins, and you want me to name it after a notorious troublemaker? I'll pass," you tell him and Dustin looks at you with fake shock.

"What kind of sister are you?!"

"One that will actually let you babysit when the time comes."

"Fuck yes!"

You take a look at Steve's face, and you nearly laugh out loud. Steve looks like he genuinely can't decide what to feel: relief, confusion, or total concern about the possibility of his child coming home one day speaking unidentifiable words about Dungeons&Dragons?

"Okay, enough now, let my fiancé breathe for God's sake," Steve began clearing the small crowd around you, followed by everybody's eyerolls and groans.

But before Dustin can get far from you, you turn to him. "Just, one more question. Why did you chase Steve around? I mean, I know you were probably angry at him because-"

"Oh, I wasn't. You're pregnant so obviously I couldn't chase you around, and Steve was just kind of there-"

"Wait, what?" The man in question turned to your brother with a disbelieving look. "You hit me for fun?"

"Eeeh, more like nostalgia. Old time's sake, for when I caught you sneaking around her window," Dustin said before walking to the others, leaving you with a bewildered Steve.

"Come on, man! Why am I always the punching bag?" He asked no one in particular, because the kids were already over the whole fiasco and headed back inside. Robin hugged you and murmured a giddy 'Congratulations again!' before following them.

As soon as the front door closed, Steve was pulling you close to his chest by your waist, wrapping his arms around you. This time you didn't even try stopping the smile forming on your face, making you giggle.

After a few seconds of silence he spoke up, his fingers drawing slow circles on your skin.

"I don't know why were we so worried, he took it easily," he shrugged and you giggled against him. "Oh, yeah, he didn't overreact at all."

"Yeah, exactly, he knocked me down out of pure joy."

You couldn't help the laugh that escaped out of you and Steve kissed your cheek, laughing with you. When he was about to pull away you turned your head, your lips grazing his face and just like you thought he would, Steve connected the distance between you with a slow kiss.

"Steve?" You asked between kisses and he pulled away just enough to look at you. When he saw the smile on your face, he swore it could've melted the Antartctic.

"Dustin called me Mom," you whispered, your voice wavering from your emotions.

Steve felt himself mirroring your smile, noting the tenderness in your voice, which only made his heart skyrocket. If he hadn't already put a ring on your finger, he would've right now.

"Well, news flash sweetheart, you are a Mom," he whispered onto your lips, one of his hands coming up to rest on your face, and you instinctively leaned into it.

"We're having a baby," you smiled up at him.

Your eyes were shimmering from unshed tears, and Steve felt his heart stop and speed up at the same time seeing you literally glow from happiness. Some days he wondered if his love for you would ever slow or quiet down, and moments like these made him throw those exact thoughts away.

The two of you began walking back inside, and you began talking about something, but Steve's mind was miles away.

Heaven knows he's impatient to start this new chapter of life with you, with a tiny human that exists simply because of your love for each other.

And the comfortable backseat of his car.

"Yeah, we're having a baby," Steve repeats your words and kisses your head, just as you close the door behind you and turn to the others.

"Oh, guys I forgot to tell you. The baby's a girl!"

And suddenly everyone was cheering and laughing again.

The ride was silent. Y/N sat between Bucky and Sam on the back of the truck, not even trying to pretend she wasn't pissed off.

John Walker, the new Captain America, cocky piece of shit that he is, kept flirting -or rather tried to- with Y/N, much to her annoyment.

She should've felt at least a little flattered, but it was harder and harder to not be annoyed when the pick up lines slowly became more and more daring and... suggestive.

But that silence was short lived when John started talking, his partner chiming in here and there. Bucky and Y/N stayed silent of course, knowing if they spoke the conversation wouldn't be civil anymore. At least Sam was able to keep his cool, a skill they had yet to aquire.

"James?" Y/N asked so quietly only Bucky was able to hear her, thanks to the super-serum.

Bucky turned to her with a softer gaze and Y/N nodded towards his vibranium hand that was curling into a fist and loosening again and again.

"Is it acting up?" Bucky just nodded, squeezing his hand into a fist again.

"Just a little stiff. Phantom pain again," Bucky reassured her and she nodded.

Then John turned to Y/N, who just blinked back at him before turning her attention back to Bucky. "Seriously? You're not even gonna say anything?"

"With the way you talked our ears off an hour ago I would've thought you like to run your mouth," Lemar said with a light chuckle.

She didn't answer. And it could've been left at that, but then John opened his mouth.

"If you ask me, I know another way you could run your mouth, sweetheart," John winked back at her. Bucky's gaze turned into a murderous glare.

"Hm, I've got you speechless huh?" John smiled. Y/N locked eyes with him for a second before answering, her face unreadable.

"Every breath you take is a stunning endorsement for abortion." John's smile immediately fell.

"Woah, Y/N-" Sam started but Y/N wasn't done.

"Do you feel no shame for using the same amount of oxygen as an intelligent person?" Y/N asked with a deadpan look, staring back at him as if actually expecting an answer.

John sat there in silence while Sam quickly started up a conversation with Lemar. All of a sudden Bucky joined in too.

"And what was your name?" He asked Lemar and Y/N leaned back in her seat, satisfied, when John looked away from her, visibly awkward.

"Battlestar," Lemar answered with confidence. Y/N raised a brow at the name.

"Battlestar?" Bucky asked sarcastically, but Lemar just nodded proudly. There was silence for a few seconds before Bucky and Y/N yelled at the same time.

"Stop the car!"

---------------

The mission went surprisingly easy. There was no extreme weather, their mood was shockingly good, but that was probably due to the fact that the boys stayed back at the Watchtower.

Except John. That bummed the mood a little, but oh well.

The church they had to get inside seemed just as abandoned on the inside as on the outside, straight out of a horror movie. Although the still intact glass windows added a little beauty to it in the moonlight.

"Hey, Y/N!" Yelena called out, pointing to one of the figures on a cobweb covered painting. "He shall make a fine groom for thee!"

"Huh," Y/N looked around in thought, the mission now secondary to their teasing game.

"John! Thou'st mother is out for a stroll I see!" She said with a mocking posh accent, pointing to the image of a cow.

"Just shut up you two! We could've been done 10 minutes ago if you stopped being children," John said with a frustrated sigh, walking ahead of them.

"Oh heavens!" Y/N yelled in mock fear, making John turn around in alarm, hand on his gun. "Lay thine eyes on the field in which I grow my fucks! Thou shall see it is barren!" She pointed to the empty space at the altar.

"Ha-ha, very funny. I hope you enjoy being immature," John told them sternly, and Yelena mocked him silently.

"If I was immature I'd make dick jokes, but that's your specialty, and I'm not going to rob you of your only happiness in life," Y/N smiled back at him before joining Yelena at the back entrance.

------------------

>New message in THUNDERBOLTS<

Walker: for once i woke up early and already got done everything i planned for the day, wow, i feel immortal!

Y/N: 04-07-2030

Walker: what

Walker: Y/N what!

Bucky: 10 pm

Walker: what does this mean?!

Bob: what is happening?

Yelena: the newlyweds r planning to kill John

Bob: oh okay

John: DOING WHAT

--------------------

>New message in THUNDERBOLTS<

Walker: i think im bi

Yelena: Which one

Walker: which what

Yelena: bilingual, bisexual, bipolar?

Bucky: I know, a bitch

>Y/N liked the message<

>Ava liked the message<

>Yelena liked the message<

Walker: i sent that as a joke but now i feel offended

Bucky: Good, it means you still have a long recovery ahead

Y/N: And ur a bitch!

Walker: i liked the bucky who didnt know how to use a phone

Y/N: I like every version of my Jamie

Walker: Ew

Y/N: Just say you're jealous of our healthy marriage

Walker: i hate you all

Bucky: we hate you too

>Y/N, Yelena, Ava, Bob liked the message<

>John left the chat<

-----------------------

The common room was finally silent in what felt like an eternity. Alexei dozed off on the sofa, the TV now tuned on a reality show Yelena was showing Bob. Ava was probably in her room, as usual.

It was one of the rare moments where the place felt more like a home, rather than just a place where coworkers lived. That moment only applied to the common room. The kitchen was another case.

Bucky was in the kitchen, making dinner for himself and his wife, making up for the lost time in the past few weeks. It also didn't hurt that his sweetness usually resulted in him being brought to bed by his wife, not that he would ever complain about that.

But John was there.

In the kitchen. Sitting next to Y/N. Talking to her about another identity crisis. He just slided into the kitchen, right when she almost yanked Bucky down on herself.

John looked visibly troubled, a sight that was rare, but not uncommon. "And I've been trying. I realize I've made mistakes, but all of us here did. We've been a team for almost two years now, and you guys still bully me like a dickhead! I feel like nobody here likes me," he said leaning back in his chair.

"You intuition is top notch," Bucky spoke and Y/N had to take a sip of her drink to hide her smile.

"See? Your husband is bullying me again!" John turned to Y/N with an offended look.

"James haven't done anything wrong! Plus, you're a grown ass man, deal with it," Y/N rolled her eyes and instead focused on the muscles moving in her husband's back under his compression shirt. Or at least tried to, but John couldn't shut up.

"This is exactly what I'm talking about! I'm being targeted!" He complained.

"Exceptional observation skills! With an eye like that you could be the next american eagle," Y/N muttered into her drink and Bucky let out a quiet chuckle, disguising it with the clattering utensils.

"Remind me to never go to you with my problems ever again," John grumbled as he got up to leave the kitchen.

"We didn't ask you this time either," Bucky said, but John flipped him off as he exited the room.

And although all of them bullied John -Bucky worse than anyone else- the married couple was still the first people John could count on when his days got darker.

Not intentionally, but it was still Bucky who understood how much effort and hard work it took to put your past behind you, to accept the things you've done and still decide to change despite what the world told you.

It was still Y/N, caring and sarcastic Y/N, who made sure to make fun of him every chance she got, she was still the only person besides Bucky who could understand his pain, without trying to fix his problems for him.

Yes, John was jealous of their marriage, how easy it seemed, how healthy it was. But he also saw the hard days, the dark times where even he didn't want to tease their arguments, because he saw how much effort it took to maintain their marriage.

And maybe that was the turning point for him. That his wife didn't leave him because it was easy. She left because he made it easy for her, because he gave up the effort, because he let himself drown instead of asking for help, like Bucky and Y/N did with each other.

The bullying continued. Sometimes worse than ever before, mainly because Y/N decided to teach Bucky some new phrases and insults, which resulted in some very colorful yelling matches.

But despite the constant "hatred" shown towards John, being with this team of misfits still made him feel at home.

The living room was a mess of pillows and beer cans. The kitchen looked like a war zone of dirty dishes and remains of what seemed like a food fight.

Alexei was passed out on the sofa again, a beer dangling from his hand instead of vodka. Progress.

Ava was nowhere in sight, as usual, avoiding another one of Alexei’s team bonding nights. Smart move.

Walker was tied up in the armchair, mustache and lipstick on his face, probably Yelena’s doing. He’s going to have a fit.

Yelena was curled up against the sofa, surrounded by multiple blankets, and Bob was just a feet from her, hugging a giant pillow like his life depended on it, both of them sleeping peacefully. Don’t wake them up, they look so cute.

The walk to your room felt like an eternity. Your legs trembled like jelly and everything was spinning as if someone made you ride multiple rounds on a rollar coaster, drunk. Finally reaching your room, you let out a relieved sigh, bracing yourself to stay as quiet as you could in your state.

Luck was not on your side that day, it seemed.

The door to Bucky’s room opened the second you grabbed your door handle. Without thinking twice about it, you quickly entered your room and closed the door, not caring anymore about being silent.

Leaning against the wall trying to catch your breath, you waited for a few more minutes, making sure Bucky wouldn’t come knocking. The sound of his footsteps could be heard outside your door, as if he was walking back and forth, unsure if he should knock or not.

You didn’t know what you were more scared of: Bucky knocking on your door or him giving you space?

You didn’t even realize you were holding your breath, until his footsteps disappeared, retreating back to his room. Letting out a sigh, you took any strength you had left and made your way to the bathroom, hoping to give yourself at least a run-of-the-mill medical aid.

Preferably without making any loud noises, or leaving bloodstains all over the room.

The next few days were like a fucked-up version of hide and seek. You still talked to Bucky, sparred with him sometimes, and you still tried to include him during Friday night movie marathons.

But hiding both your injury and mission from him felt like you were stabbing your own chest, when you had to pretend his worrying look didn’t make you want to confess everything.

You just…couldn’t.

Not now, a full week later when the mission report was already done, your wound was healing, and Bucky seemed to let go of whatever worry he was feeling towards you. Things were going back to normal – as normal as two idiots continuiously dodging each other’s signs of love for the other can be, while their team observes their silent suffering with amusement.

The last few days Bucky seemed to attach himself to your side, not literally, but wherever you went he was not far. You were making dinner? He was asking if he could help. You were in the gym? He was punching the bag, watching your every move. You were reading in the living room? He pretended to read, only to watch you the whole time, oblivious to the stares he got from Alexei and Yelena.

And when you fell asleep in the living room again, he put a blanket on you and got your hair out of your face, his hads lingering there just a second longer.

And you were awake for all of it.

He thought you were asleep, but you stayed awake just until he left, only to feel his hands linger for that one second.

But the frustration was evident between you two. Every time he noticed your wince when you strained your wound, you would give him excuse upon excuse, your lies getting more and more obvious. Bucky didn’t ask about it. He didn’t, even though both of you knew you were lying.

When you stepped out of your room that day, you could already hear the commotion coming from the kitchen. It sounded a lot like Ava and Yelena teaming up to bully John. When you entered the kitchen it looked exactly how you imagined: Yelena, still in her PJ’s berating John, Ava sitting on the corner of the table, while John looked two seconds away from punching one of them.

Yup, just another Wednesday morning.

You made your way towards the fridge, already dreading what you’ll find, or rather won’t find in there. Yep, your yogurt labeled with your name wasn’t in there, again. With a sigh you closed he fridge and instead grabbed an apple from the bowl. Yelena turned her attention to you just as you sat down with an inaudible wince.

“I haven’t seen you much since you got back. How was the mission?” She asked, while stirring something in a bowl. Probably pancake batter, you guessed.

“I didn’t even hear you get back,” Ava said as she scrolled through her phone.

“Probably ‘cause you were all passed out on the floor. Didn’t want to wake any of you,” you told her. Bob entered the kitchen just then, mumbling a quick ‘good morning’, his hair all over the place.

“What even happened? Kitchen looked like a bomb had been dropped, John had lipstick on him again-“

“Wait-what do you mean again?” John asked with confusion, but all three girls just waved him off.

“Alexei made us do ‘karaoke-night’ for “team bonding experience”, Bob said with air quotes, and Yelena looked like she was going to jump out the window. “Ugh, he is so insufferable, he made us sing terrible songs. And then he tried singing California Girls for twenty minutes!” Yelena complained.

“None of us asked him to,” Ava groaned, while you smiled.

“So I didn’t miss much, huh?” I asked but noticing the silence I looked up, only to see all of them staring back at me. “Why are you staring at me?”

“You didn’t tell Barnes about the mission.” Yelena stated as she guided Bob to the stove to make pancakes. “He was brooding all night.”

“He’s brooding all the time,” you replied nonchalantly.

“Not with you around.” Ava didn’t even look up from her phone as she said it. You sent an annoyed glare back, which – of course – she ignored.

“Yeah, he practically turns into a puppy whenever he’s in the same room as you,” Yelena adds.

“Yeah? If he’s as infatuated with me as you say he is, then why hasn’t he made a goddamn move? We’ve been here for more than a year and he’s avoiding me like I’m an emotional plague.” You don’t mean to sound so harsh, but the physical pain mixed with your emotional whirlwind about a certain supersoldier doesn’t make it easy to stay calm.

Especially, when you can’t stop thinking about last night, when you pretended to fall aseep on the sofa, and he tucked you in and gave you a kiss on your temple whispering ‘good night’.

“Maybe he’s scared of rejection. It’s very common,” Yelena says.

“Maybe he’s just waiting for the right time,” Bob adds, with that hopeful gaze of his.

“Or maybe he doesn’t want to ask you out,” John says and you look at him, deadpanned. “Do you see this empty table here? That’s precisely how many fucks I give about your opinion,” You can hear Ava and Yelena muffle their laughs with a cough.

“You’re hilarious, I get it. But maybe, you should think about the possibility that Bucky just doesn’t want to have a relationship. Not with you, not with anyone.” John told us as he grabbed his plate and exited the kitchen.

You tried to look unaffected by his words, but there was a tiny voice in your head, telling you that maybe John had a point. Bucky went through at least two lifetimes’ worth of trauma and loss, and now he’s back in the ring, fighting again, mission after mission where a safe return wasn’t guaranteed. Being in a relationship was probably the last thing on his mind right now.

“We can hear the wheels in your head,” Ava said and you turned your head towards her, with an uncertain look.

“I mean, I can’t believe I’m sayin’ this, but, maybe he’s got a point,” you muttered, voice barely above a whisper, too scared to say the words out loud, not wanting to make them real.

“You must’ve hit your head pretty hard if you believe that to be true,” Yelena added. “I don’t know if you have bad eyesight, or you’re deaf in one ear, but Bucky’s been nothing less than enamored by you. It’s like, his life is revolving around you, wether you see it or not, but when you do see his efforts, he completely changes. It’s honestly disgusting how in love with you he is.”

“It’s like, sunshine on a cloudy day,” Bob speaks and you stare down at your hands, feeling your heart pick up, instinctively. “You are his sunshine. And I think Bucky hasn’t seen a lot of sunshine lately,” he adds with a shrug.

“You say that like it’s the most natural thing in the world,” you whisper, not exactly trusting your voice to stay even.

“Because it is.” Yelena says just as calmly.

Taking a deep breath, you decided to leave this kitchen of uncertain and fragile feelings and go back to your room. The movement must have strained your wound, and you let out a quiet wince, but with two former assassins around, nothing could be quiet.

“You okay?” Ava glanced up from her phone, brows furrowed. You guessed she already knew the answer.

“Yeah, just taken a rough hit last night, nothing serious,” You waved her off, but Yelena was already poking your side making you groan as you grabbed the table.

“I knew it! Sit down, I’m grabbing a first aid kit,” You grabbed her wrist to stop her from storming the nearest bathroom, causing a scene.

“I’ve already stitched it, it’s nothing serious all right?” You told her but she didn’t look convinced.

“Stitches? What did you need stitches for? Have you been stabbed?” She asked, trying to pull up your shirt but you pushed her hand away.

“Lightly stabbed, it’s barely even a stab wound,” You told her, but she furrowed her brows. “This is what the med bay is for! You shouldn’t hide things like this!”

“Look, I’ve had worse and I know my limits! If something was wrong I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen, discussing how pathetically in love with Bucky I am.” You told her, but she just scoffed. You looked back at her with a slight tilt of your head and raised brows.

She seemed to reconsider your words, though she didn’t look fully convinced. She gave you one more stern look before she nodded and you let go of her arm.

“You still need to tell Bucky.” She told you and you couldn’t help but shake your head.

“No, he’ll make a big deal out of this, I don’t want him to overworry himself when there’s nothing to worry about,” You knew as soon as you said it, you would meet resistance from Yelena.

“He’s probably burned a hole through the carpet, pacing outside your door all night after you came back. He is worried about you,” she said but you just sighed.

“It’s over, so I have nothing to tell him, alright?”

“Okay, then let’s talk about-wait how did you say it? “How pathetically in love with Bucky” you are. Yeah, we should talk about that,” Yelena teased you as she grabbed a plate of pancakes and sat down next to you.

“I didn’t say that,” you deadpanned.

“We all heard it.”

“Maybe y’all should get your ears checked.”

“You can’t take it back now.”

“I didn’t say anything, you’re delusional.”

“Your gaslighting doesn’t work on me.”

“Fuck,” you sighed as you put your head on the table with a soft groan.

“When are you telling him?” Yelena asked with a smug grin on her face.

“So what if I’m in love with him? Mind your own business!” You said defensively, but Yelena and Ava just laughed at you. “You announced to the entire kitchen, so we are kind of involved, as your involuntary matchmakers,” Ava replied.

“You maybe. I’m her matchmaker by choice, this is entertaining,” Yelena said with the pancake still in her mouth.

“Ha-ha, I’m glad my emotional despair is what gets you there,” you smiled at them sarcastically.

“Well, if you would just listen to us without getting defensive-“

“I’d rather talk about anything else than this,” you muttered and Yelena looked at Ava with mischief in her eyes, nodding her head to the kitchen door.

“Then tell us about your secret mission,” Ava said and you sighed.

“It wasn’t exactly a secret, but I mean-“

“What mission?”

Silence fell over the kitchen as Bucky made his presence more prominent as he leaned against the wall. Yelena already noticed him getting closer, that’s why she signaled to Ava to ask about the mission. This way the two of you were finally going to talk.

“What mission are you guys talkin’ about?” Bucky asked again in suspicion. When you dared a glance towards Yelena or Ava, they were already gone. You could hear Bob’s faint voice asking why did he have to leave.

You were royally fucked.

“Remember Mumbai, when Yelena couldn’t come? She was just aking about-“

“That was three weeks ago.” Bucky crossed his arms over his chest, looking nothing short of intimidating.

“Oh right, I’m confusing it with the Jaipur mission then-“

“That’s in four days.”

Bucky was looking at you with an unwavering gaze, and no matter how nervous you got the longer he looked at you, you couldn’t help but keep the eye contact with him. His beautiful blue eyes seemed to have that effect on you more than you could ever admit.

“What secret mission?” He asked, not moving an inch from his place.

You tried to guess what he was feeling, but his face was unreadable. You hated when he did this with you. Usually you were one of the only people who could read him, but you knew you had to fuck up really badly if he decided to now show himself to you.

“It was a simple intel: keep look-out, infiltrate, grab the file and leave. With a high level security safe house, of course there was resistance but I handled it. I’m here, unscathed,” you told him, even opening your arms showing him that you didn’t have remaining wounds or scars.

Obviously that wasn’t true, but you didn't want him to find out.

“Stand up.” He ordered, but his voice didn’t sound like a command. You rolled your eyes at him. “I just told you I’m fine-“

“If you’re so fine then you can stand up without wincing, can’t you?” He asked and you looked back at him for a few seconds, before silently bracing yourself. Giving him your best poker face you stood up, slowly enough to not hurt your wound but quick enough to seem okay.

Bucky clenched his jaw before he spoke again.

“Kick me.”

“What?”

“You heard me. Kick me.”

“What does that have to do-“

“Kick. Me.”

“I’m not going to hit you-“

“Kick me!”

And so you did. Not because he shouted at you, but because you wanted him to get off your back with his questioning. Unfortunately your wound was still in the healing process. When you raised your leg to kick him in the stomach, Bucky caught your foot and kept it at his torso.

His vibranium hand wasn’t hurting you, just keeping your leg there, unable to move. And when you tried to twist your way out of his hold, you let out a groan and Bucky immediately let go of you. You grabbed your side with a frown, and based on the look Bucky was giving you, you were preparing for his lecture.

“You seriously went on a mission without telling me? And then came back with a wound, that you’ve been hiding from me for a week?! What the hell were you thinking?” Bucky raised his voice, but you couldn’t look at him.

“I didn’t want to worry you, when I knew there was nothing to worry about,” you said and Bucky scoffed.

“Maybe you should’ve let me decide what I can and can’t worry about!”

“Look, it’s just a stab wound and it’s already healing-“

“Stab wound? You were stabbed and you didn’t tell me?!” Bucky was practically yelling now.

“Lightly stabbed,” you told him the same way you told Yelena. Bucky didn’t seem to like the asnwer.

“A stab wound is a stab wound! Something happens you go to the med bay and tell someone! You get hurt you let people know! You get stabbed you tell me!” Bucky’s breathing became sharp and uneven as he looked back at you, his eyes never leaving yours, analyzing your every breath and move.

“We made a deal: one of us gets hurt they let the other know, even if it’s in the goddamn middle of the night, that’s the only thing I’ve ever asked of you-“

You can’t look at him.

You want to look up and meet his mesmerizing blue gaze, but yours is currently frozen on the blood on your hands. The stitches came apart. You quickly put your hand back on the wound, not caring how loud you wince while doing so.

You only look up when you realize Bucky has gone silent.

When you do, he’s not looking at you, but at the blood on your fingers. You can read him now, and Bucky looks at you with such a devastating amount of concern you can feel your heart shatter at the sight.

He opens his mouth to say something, but immediately closes it and clenches his jaw before stepping to you. He hold his hand onto your own on the wound and you wince, to which he instantly apologizes. Then he takes your other hand around his shoulder and quickly guides you to your room.

You begin to argue with him that you’re fine and can walk on your own, but with one look he shuts you up. If you notice how he avoids looking at your blood stained shirt in the corner of your bathroom, you don’t mention it.

You also can’t speak.

It’s like the words have all died somewhere between your brain and your mouth.

Instead you watch as Bucky gently cuts your shirt so he can treat your wound. It’s clear that the blood makes it look worse than it actually is. Bucky doesn’t seem to care about that, he still treats your wound as if you were in a life and death situation.

When he begins the stitches your hand instinctively flies to his shoulder, your body reminding you of all the previous times you had to stitch each other up. But this is different. You both know it’s different.

“Talk to me,” Bucky says, barely above a whisper. “Might take your focus off the pain.”

“What do you want me to say?” You ask, taking deep breaths to keep yourself from groaning.

"Just talk to me,” The vulnerability in Bucky’s voice makes your heart clench just a little more, and makes you feel like an asshole just a little more for keeping this from him.

“Well, that narrows it down-“

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Bucky interrupts and stops his hands. The look he’s giving you, full of both concern and relief, but also a little something that looks awfully lot like hurt, breaks you down.

“I didn’t want you to worry about me.”

“You said that already. But you can’t tell me I shouldn’t worry about you,” he says, and though he keeps his voice gentle you can feel the hurt behind his words. “So tell me, please, why didn’t you say anything?”

And that little, soft please makes the walls you so carefully crafted around yourself crumble.

“Bucky, you already have so many things to worry about. So many things that deserve a priority on your never ending list of worries. And me getting injured shouldn’t be added to that list. I don’t want to be another thing you worry about, when we have all these relevant, important things to take care of. I don’t want to keep you from doing your job.”

You could already feel your voice crack at his name, but you ramble through your speech, because if you didn’t say it now, you would probably never say it. You swallow down your tears and keep looking at him, willing yourself not to crumble just yet.

But Bucky just stares at you with a glint in his eye, that looked suspiciously like a tear. His jaw was clenched so hard you were afraid his bones would break any minute. His hands were lightly shaking against your side, but he ignored it.

“Is that how you think of yourself?” He whispered, and you swear you’ve never heard him so…small. He stared at you like he's been slapped. “You seriously-do you even hear what you’re saying?” Bucky looked at you in genuine disbelief as he waited for your response.

“Worrying about me shouldn’t be a priority. I can be reckless and that’s on me, so you shouldn’t have to sideline important things just because I’ve gone and-“

“Shut up. Please shut up,” Bucky says and you feel yourself tear up at the words. Did you say something wrong? Did you hurt him with something you’ve said? Was it-

“You cannot seriously believe that you’re not important. That I shouldn’t be worried about you whenever you go on mission, that I shouldn’t stop whatever I’m doing to help you,” Bucky looks at you like you personally hurt him with your words.

You can only stare back at him, absolutely speechless, trying to process what was happening.

Bucky’s eyes held a million emotions, and you can feel your own eyes tear up but you don’t let the tears fall, not yet. All of that composure collapses when Bucky gently – so gently – puts a hand on your cheek, his thumb caressing your skin so carefully it pains you.

“You, you don’t even realize how important you have become in my life. And not just mine, but in everyone else’s. And you sitting here, trying to convince me that you shouldn’t even be considered a priority when you’ve been my number one priority for months, just feels like a cruel joke. Because I cannot believe that you would think you’re not important.”

Your tears are staining your face now, and the only thing you can do is try to hold back the rest. To keep yourself somewhat composed, but seeing the ache on Bucky’s face makes your heart squeeze itself so tight you can hardly breathe. It doesn’t help that his thumb is still caressing your cheek, as if you’re going to break if he’s not careful.

“You cannot tell me why I should or shouldn’t worry about you, because I always will. And not because you’re reckless, or incapable of defending yourself. I worry about you, because I love you. And because of that, it hurts me that you’d think so low of yourself when I think so highly of you.”

Bucky says the words with such conviction and raw honesty that all you can do is silently cry.

His eyes are red from holding back his own tears, letting you slowly crumble first before he even considers doing the same. His eyes never leave your face, full of more emotion than you’ve probably ever seen him show.

“I-I didn’t want to put pressure on you. Everyone else is pushing you, and I just didn’t want to be another person who adds to your problems,” you cried, the crack in your voice carrying a hint of your guilt. Bucky only looked at you with a gentle smile.

“Sweetheart, you could never be a problem to me,” Bucky whispered and cupped your face in his hands, wiping your tears.

“I don’t want to occupy unnecessary space in your life.”

“My life is revolving around you, and I don’t care how much damn space you take up in it. As long as you’re in my life, I don’t care.” A small chuckle leaves his lips, but it his voice cracks, choking on his own emotions.

“Am I?” You ask him, unusally shy, your own doubts creeping into your voice as you began to ramble. “Bucky, do you truly mean what you’re saying? Because honestly, I don’t think I’m capable of forgetting about this if this is a joke.”

“Do you know me as someone who likes to joke around?” That earned a small huff from you, and Bucky began to smile as he heard your laugh. “I think Bob’s right.” He told you suddenly, and you furrowed your brows.

“What are you talking about?”

“Super-hearing, you know. In the kitchen, Bob said that you are my sunshine, that I haven’t seen a lot of sunshine lately. I think he’s right,” Bucky whispered, his face dangerously close to yours.

“You heard that?” You asked, whispering back. “What-what else did you hear?”

“That you’re pathetically in love with me,” Bucky said with a cheeky grin that earned a soft groan from you. “Of course, that’s the first thing you remember!”

“Can’t fault a guy for being proud that the girl he loves, loves him back,” He whispered, his eyes darting between your eyes and your lips. You noticed his glance and when he looked back at you he had a serious look in his eyes.

“I also heard what Walker said, and I just can’t stop thinking about it. Did you-would you have really let go of me, if I told you I wasn’t ready for a relationship? Would you have told me you loved me, even if I didn’t want a relationship with anyone?”

His question made you momentarily freeze up. But his hands on your cheek, still careful, still gentle, brought you back to him before you could retreat back behind your walls.

“I wouldn’t. If you told me you weren’t going to have a relationship with anyone, I wouldn’t have told you. It would’ve only made things complicated for you. And on the off-chance if you told me you didn’t love me the same, I probably would’ve gone crazy for a few weeks, or months.” You raised a hand and ever so carefully cupped his jaw with the same gentleness he held your face.

“But I’d rather have you in my life as someone I can’t get, than not have you at all,” You smiled at him, swallowing back the lump in your throat.

Bucky stared back at you as if he was physically incapable of looking away from you. His eyes were red, the unshead tears sat still in his eyes – those beautiful ocean eyes – as he took a deep breath and rested his forehead against yours.

“I must’ve done something amazing in my past life to deserve you in this one,” Bucky murmured and you could feel your heart stop for a moment, this time for an entirely positive reason.

“And I don’t know how I got so lucky to be the one receiving your love in this universe,” you murmured onto his lips, the distance practically nonexistent between the two of you.

“Nah, I’m the lucky one.”

Bucky crashed his lips against yours carefully, as if he was holding glass between his fingers. His kiss was slow but deep, everything he couldn’t say out loud was transformed into that singular kiss, knowing that you’ll understand, because no one could read him like you did.

And you kissed him back with the same amount of – if not more – emotion, your hands cradling his face as if he was made of sand that could slip through your fingers any second.

When the two of you pulled back to get some air into your lungs, Bucky smiled at you, a real smile, looking nothing less than enamored.

So! Here are some prompts and tropes you can chose from (not required tho):

Prompts:

1. "Here they are. Captain Bleach and Captain Cardboard."

2. "Dying, coming back to life, and other ways to avoid defining a relationship."

3. "You were stabbed and you didn't tell me?!" "Lightly stabbed."

4. "If we're at a point where I'm the voice of reason, than we are royally fucked up."

5. "There were many others, but I was the first. I was the original. I was the throw-away should something...malfunction."

6. "Yeah yeah, we all laughed you can go fuck yourself now."

7. "Don't push it. I'm not above throwing a mentally ill person out the window."

8. "If you two weren't so fucking stupid, I wouldn't have to be mean! Change starts with you, morons!"

9. "No matter where you are, I will always find you." "I'm taking that as a threat."

10. "The louder you screamed, the more they would take. I learned how to suffer in silence."

11. "Crazy, how through all of this, I'm still horny. God, the human spirit is truly unbreakable!" "You're oversharing, we've talked about this." "You maybe. I want to hear this."

12. "I-I thought you were dead!" "And I thought you-fuck man, you got ripped!"

13. "Your husband is bullying me again!" "You're a grown ass man, deal with it!"

14. "What did you do?!" "I tried, I tried to cut it out." "Your own heart?" "It's too loud, too fast and I-I wanted to get rid of it."

15. "As long as they were focusing on me, they wouldn't be focusing on you."

16. "Infiltrate. Access. Eradicate. Leave. You can do this."

17. "He refuses to go inside the strip club, because he respects women."

18. "You're supposed to be blending in." "He looked like he negotiated his way onto Earth. I ain't going in a three feet perimeter of that."

19. "Why are you counting? Why are you counting down?!"

20. "Who did this?" "It doesn't matter." "To me it does!"

Tropes:

1. Brother's best friend

2. Thunderbolts AU

3. TFATWS Timeline

4. 40's! Bucky

5. Roommate AU

6. Congressman! Bucky

7. Friends to lovers

8. Secret-dating

9. Fake-dating

10. Avengers-Tower AU

11. Supersoldier! Reader

12. Best Friend's Brother

13. Wakanda! Bucky

14. Childhood best friends

15. Established Relationship

16. Established/Secret Marriage

17. Pregnancy Trope (I know some people don't like it, but I do, when it's written right)

18. No happy ending

You can send requests to my inbox, stating the numbers from Prompts and Tropes, and add other ideas you might have!

Fear has a habit of altering even the sanest of minds. It's like a disease, a plague that clouds your every thought until you are nothing but a mere semblance of the person you were before. It can cloud any reasonable logic you have, making you act irrationally.

And it can make you completely useless. Frozen like a statue. Disconnected from reality. Indifferent to what's happening around you. Trapped with your thoughts. Speechless.

Kaz stood and watched as Y/N fell from the sky, leaving a pool of blood where she sank into the sea. He watched as he waited for her to come up and wave to them, probably cursing about the cold water and her wet clothes. He waited, and waited, and waited, but she never emerged. Her voice was ringing in his ears.

"Promise me, Kaz. If I show symptoms of an addiction, promise me you won't give any jurda to me. Even if it means I'll die."

Kaz felt the urge to throw up. He held onto the railing of the ship with all his might, no doubt that his knuckles were turning white under the gloves. His heart was beating loudly in his ears, making him deaf to anything else.

The feeling came suddenly and Kaz feared he was going to drown in it. His breathing became rigid as he tried to keep any ounce of control he had left in him.

"We are soldiers."

Kaz blinked and out of nowhere Jesper and Inej were looking at him, terrified. Why was Jesper completely wet? How long was he standing there? Did they found her? Or has the sea claimed her forever?

"She won't wake up," Jesper told him with a trembling voice, tears burning his eyes. Matthias was taking off his fur, while Nina began the chest compression, using her powers to restart her heart.

Her hands were already covered in blood.

Inej and Wylan stood a few steps away from them, their eyes full of horror. Kaz saw the people around him speak, but the sounds didn't reach his ears.

Oh.

"If it comes down to it, let me die. Don't let me suffer. Please, Kaz, promise me."

That suffocating feeling returned much stronger, and it made Kaz unable to speak. He couldn't look away from the limp body that was holding him mere minutes ago. The bile rose in his throat, but Kaz refused to throw up. He felt sick, and all he could think of was the fact that now Y/N was just another one of the cold bodies that were suffocating him.

Kaz felt like his heart could stop any second, but he was physically unable to take his eyes off of her. Every attempt Nina made at reuscitating Y/N felt like a twist to the knife in his chest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Will you ever tell me-"

"Y/N." She interrupted him and for a second Kaz just looked at her, utterly confused.

"What?" He asked, but the girl just smiled back at him.

"You were going to ask my name. It's Y/N." Kaz only nodded, but he was already testing her name in his mind. Y/N. Y/N. He found it way too casual a name for someone like her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a muffled sound coming from next to him. Someone was trying to speak to him. Kaz didn't know who it was, and he didn't really care either. Y/N was dying. Or was she already dead? Should he go over to her? Check her pulse? Make sure she's alive? For that to happen, Kaz would've had to move and touch her skin.

Cold. Numb. Red. Void of any sign of life.

"I will march with you in times of war."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Do it." Kaz demanded on a quiet voice, but Y/N just giggled. "No." Kaz asked again as he leaned heavily on his cane, visibly drunk. "Y/N, pleaseee."

"Absolutely not. Now get inside," she told him, pointing to the open door of his room. Kaz shook his head and tried to keep his face neutral, but his blown pupils betrayed his inebriated state.

Y/N rolled her eyes, but a laugh escaped her. "This is the last time I turned into a cat while you're drunk."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Cold. She must be feeling cold.

Kaz's movements were rigid, like he didn't even process what he was doing as he took his coat off and walked closer to Y/N's body on the floor. Then he stopped as if rethinking his decision, when he raised his gaze and noticed Jesper and Inej sobbing.

His first thought was that something must be really wrong if Jesper was uncontrollably sobbing. Jesper was an emotional person, but Kaz had never seen him cry, not even once.

To see him nearly choke on his own tears felt wrong to Kaz.

He looked at his coat in his hands, gripping the fabric so tight he might as well could've tore it apart. Kaz tried to control his erratic breathing, but it was harder and harder to do, the longer he kept staring at Y/N's body. The only color she had left was her own blood coating her. Kaz lowered the coat in his hand. She won't need it anymore.

Kaz felt the stares from the others, but he didn't dare look at them. He couldn't. How could he? He knew the kind of look they were giving him. Sadness. Grief. Pity. More pity. More sadness. He didn't need it. He didn't need their pity, he needed Y/N.

His Y/N. His best friend. His wife. Them staring at him with pitiful looks won't bring her back.

"I will rest with you in times of peace."

Kaz could still feel the way she was grabbing onto him on the tank. How she was holding him like he would disappear if she didn't. And after she ripped herself away from him, for one fleeting second, Kaz could see the guilt in her eyes.

That one second was already haunting him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She was standing so close to him, Kaz could almost feel her heart beating. He looked at her like she was going to disappear if he didn't.

Her eyes had a faint glint in them from all the candles that she lit earlier. Kaz raised a hand to cup the side of her face and when she gently leaned into his touch, Kaz let out a gasp of breath he didn't even realize he was holding.

Y/N just smiled at him, and Kaz decided then and there he was going to change.

For the better, for Jordie…and for her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He turned away from them. He felt his eyes burning and Kaz knew if he didn't leave, he was going to break down in front of them, no matter how strong his self-control was.

This was his breaking point. Losing his brother, the only family he had left, was like a death sentence to him. He couldn't go a day without something reminding him of his absence.

Then Kaz stumbled upon Y/N. Or rather, she stumbled upon him. She was annoying and too talkative, always making some noise and seeking Kaz's company whenever he was in the same room as her. Kaz did everything to avoid her, but she was persistent and eventually Kaz got used to her constant presence. He would've never admitted it, but sometimes he asked for her companion on purpose. Although he always had a made-up excuse for it.

Kaz stepped away from them, slowly, as if he was in a daze. In a way he was. His mind kept replaying every moment they spent together. Wether it was the two of them, or a mission, or just another night at the Crow Club. Every single interaction they had ever since they have met ran through his mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"No matter how hard I try to erase you from my mind, you sneak back in by simply existing. It's… frustrating," Kaz said as he dragged himself to his feet, every fiber of his being drenched in the harbor's water.

Then he looked at her, and he felt his heart stop at the way she was looking at him, like he was something worth looking at.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a gentle tap on his shoulder and Kaz aggressively hit the hand away, not even looking at who it was. He kept walking, not really knowing where. The chamber? The bottom of the ship? Back to her? Should he sit down? Should he continue with the plan? He would have to create a new one, without…her.

"I will forever be the weapon in your hand, the fighter at your side, the friend who awaits your return."

Kaz didn't plan this far. He didn't plan for this, because he was sure he was going to be the one to die. His death seemed most likely to happen. Not hers. Ghezen, not her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Raffiel's fiancé stood near Kaz, watching him with a suspicious gaze. Kaz didn't know what to make of it, so he turned to her with a questioning look.

"You're just another fool under that cold exterior." She said with a faint smile as she watched Kaz look back and stare at Y/N.

"Watch out, Brekker. You look like you're falling."

I think I already did, Kaz thought to himself as he left the room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What was he supposed to tell her family? What was he supposed to say to her brother, when he left basically saying she was going to come home, and not him? What was going to happen when Raffiel saw Kaz return, without her?

He would probably beat Kaz until he's nothing but a sack of bones and meat. Or shapeshift into a wolf, or a dog, or something predatory and tear him limb from limb. Kaz would take the punishment gladly. He decided that if Raffiel attacked him, he will let him.

There was another tap on his shoulder, but it was harsher, urging him to look at them. Kaz refused to, even when they stepped in front of him and began shouting at him. The closeness of the other person finally made Kaz look up, only to see Jesper's tear stained face.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The bottle was already half empty when Kaz finally decided to sign the papers. The papers he specifically asked for. With every signature, he took another sip from the glass. He finished the bottle too quickly for his liking. Everytime he wrote the name down, a part of him wanted to burn the papers, but the other part stopped himself from doing so. He told himself he was only being cautious, that this was the rational thing to do. But deep down Kaz knew that it would take all of his strength to control himself and not run to Y/N. The wedding ring was practically burning in his pocket.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kaz got lost in his thoughts again, and Jesper desperately tried to make him understand what he was saying. As he took in the empty look in Kaz's eyes, Jesper felt like he was talking to a ghost, rather than a human person. He never could read the emotions on Kaz's face, but this time it felt as if Kaz was drained of every emotion. Jesper could see it in his eyes that Kaz's mind was elsewhere, somewhere far away from the present.

"I have seen you change at the bottom of the world."

"For fuck's sake Kaz, are you even listening to me?!" Kaz heard Jesper shout into his face, and he looked at him. Jesper still didn't know if Kaz was actually hearing his words, but he kept speaking once again. "She's breathing Kaz. She's alive." He said and felt himself tear up again.

Kaz only looked back at him with slightly furrowed brows. Internally he was confused. Why was Jesper saying this? Why is he lying to him? Was this his way of trying to…console him? He didn't need consolation. Didn't need their pity.

Jesper's words made Kaz feel like someone just punched him after a fight, right before shooting him. Jesper must've noticed his confusion, because he looked into Kaz's eyes, not breaking eyecontact, hoping Kaz would finally understand him.

"She. Is. Alive." Jesper's words were firm, not leaving room for discussion. Kaz turned visibly confused, but Jesper just repeated his words. Kaz grew more and more confused, as Inej walked up to them. Kaz was glancing between the two of them, his brows furrowed, the confusion turning into irritation.

"Nina is taking care of her. She's too weak, but she's breathing." Inej informed him, but then her expression turned softer. "Look at her, Kaz. She's alive." She nodded behind Kaz, where Nina was still crying, accompanied by a relieved smile.

Kaz was almost sure his own mind was playing tricks on him. A joke. This must be a cruel joke. He must have been in so much distress and shock that he began hallucinating. The floorboards swayed under him, but that could've been caused by the waves crashing against the ship. Either way, it felt like everything was spinning around him.

He became dizzy, and soon the familiar feeling of bile rising in his throat got his attention. Kaz focused so hard on trying not to empty the contents of his stomach that he didn't even notice when he was left alone.

His heart was beating too loud. Breathing felt impossible. There were multiple voices around him, muffled by his own heartbeat. His vision was blurry and the cane in his hand did nothing to help him walk. In just a few seconds, Kaz walked as far away as he could from the group, and when he was sure they couldn't see him, he leaned over the railing and threw up.

The cold wind did nothing to ease his nausea. Kaz felt like he was back on the barge, suffocating under the mountains of bodies. He closed his eyes to try and get a grip on himself, but as soon as he did, the image of Y/N falling from the sky replayed in his head. There was too much blood. She was covered in it.

"There is no one more loved by me Kaz Brekker, stubborn and unbreakable."

Her voice was the only thing Kaz was able to hear, and it felt like torture to him.

"Let me die."

The air was being sucked out of his lungs, and Kaz gripped the railing like his life depended on it.

"Please don't let me suffer."

There were footsteps around him and Kaz felt the presence of someone towering over him. He didn't even realize he was bending down, clutching at his chest, his breathing uncontrollable.

"Promise me, Kaz."

The anger grew in him rapidly. Her voice was haunting him. Kaz hated how easy it was to miss her, how he could recognize the change in her attitude just by her voice, how it took up space in his head, but most of all, he hated that the only thing he could think about in that moment was the fact that he was never going to hear her again.

"What about Death?"

"It takes more than death to get rid of me."

Kaz let out a humorless scoff. "Liar," he whispered to himself. Stubborn. Reckless. Convincing. She was probably the best liar Kaz had ever met, second only after him.

"In this life and the next."

Why couldn't it be this one? They just got married. Y/N just realized how to be herself, not despite, but with her power. Kaz was just at the beginning of his redemption. If saints and gods did exist, Kaz couldn't understand why they would let Y/N die.

Y/N died.

She was dead.

Dead.

Dead.

Dead.

Y/N died. She's dead. Y/N is dead.

Dead.

At the edge of his vision Kaz glared at the sea like it was responsible for her death. Instead of blue, all he could see was red. The blood that coated her body. Blood, unfathomable amount of blood, that made it seem like she bathed in it.

How did she lose so much blood? Was there even that much in her? Kaz didn't know that much about biology or anatomy, but he knew losing so much blood was fatal.

Jesper and Inej shared concerned glances at Kaz's state. They retreated with a few steps after Kaz almost stabbed Jesper with the beak of his cane. His eyes were red, like he was holding back from crying, but despite that it seemed as if he was unaware of his surroundings. He would occasionally start to hyperventilate, only to abruptly stop and stare ahead of him, his mind being completely elsewhere.

The others didn't really know what to make of it, but Jesper and Inej, being the ones who knew him the longest outside of Y/N, they knew he was suffering internally. Kaz didn't really show his emotions, he wasn't the kind of person to express it outwardly. And for him to be so detached from reality that he didn't even hear what they were saying, for him to be completely locked inside his mind meant that he was overwhelmed. He was overwhelmed with his emotions and this was the only way he knew how to process the heavy load.

Jesper had an arm around Inej's shoulder, resting his head on top of hers. He was trying to muffle a sniffle, but Inej noticed it and looked up at him. "She's here, Jesper. She's still here with us," she tried to reassure him and Jesper looked up at the sky for a moment, sniffling.

"I just, I don't know what I would've done if she didn't make it." He let go of Inej to fidget with the rings on his fingers, hoping to ease his nerves. It didn't help.

"Nina doesn't know if she got affected by the jurda. She says she won't know anything until Y/N wakes up. I pray to the Saints she does," Inej told him and Jesper let out a weak scoff. "I think if she finds out I lost one of my guns, Y/N's going to bring herself out of a coma just to kick my ass." Jesper said it casually and it made Inej let out a soft laugh.

Kaz turned his head at the sound of their laugh. They weren't loud, their laugh was a quiet scoff at most, but still, it reached Kaz's ears. He looked at the two of them with such anger and disgust on his face, that for a second Jesper thought he was going to lash out at them.

He didn't. He kept staring back at them, and they could see the emotions change on his face. It turned from anger to detestation in mere seconds, and now both Jesper and Inej were waiting for Kaz to jump up and start a fight.

The hatred in his eyes shifted just as quickly as it appeared. It turned ito disappointment, raw and deep, and the unfiltered emotions he was showing made the guilt weigh heavy in their chest. Both of them knew how this must've looked from Kaz's view. He thought his wife was dead, and they were here, laughing, as if she was nothing to them.

"Kaz?" Jesper spoke first, trying to get a reaction from him, without triggering him to lash out. He looked back at them with the same glare, slowly getting up from the ground. His movements were predatory, and Jesper instinctively put a hand on his pistol, but with no real intention of using it.

He didn't know what to say. Kaz was standing in front of them, looking like he would burn them with his stare if he could. He took a slow step closer, the cane tapping against the floorboards with a loud click. Jesper finally understood how scary the sound of it actually was, especially in the silence. One wrong word or move, and Kaz was going to snap.

"Y/N is alive." Inej's voice was soft, but it had a firmness that made Kaz glance at her. She didn't break the eyecontact, guessing that Kaz was trying to decipher if she was lying or not. "Y/N is alive. She's injured, and Nina is taking care of her," she explained but the tension didn't leave Kaz's expression.

"She's going to be fine." Jesper added as positively as he could, despite his inner concern. Kaz seemed to be considering their words, still unsure if it was true or not. Jesper and Inej stood there, waiting for Kaz to process everything. Jesper almost let out a loud sigh of relief when the anger from Kaz's expression dissipated. He furrowed his brows as he looked back at them, utterly confused.

Poor Wylan decided to walk over to them at the wrong moment.

He was talking about what Kuwei just revealed about the jurda, and how it could affect Y/N, and the symptoms he noticed on her already. Kuwei stood next to Wylan, glancing at Kaz every two seconds, slightly scared of the way he was looking at them. He was right to feel scared, because Kaz was unusually silent. After Wylan quickly stopped talking, there was a few seconds of silence, where they were all just staring at Kaz, whose face was unreadable.

In three seconds Kaz was gripping the collar of Kuwei's shirt, slamming him down on the railing as if he was about to throw him into the sea. The beak of the crow was already at Kuwei's neck, keeping him from moving too much. His eyes were wide with terror as he looked into Kaz's violent gaze. It was like staring at a wild animal, that was ready to rip him limb from limb.

"Get off him, Kaz!" Jesper shouted and tried to get closer, but Kaz looked back at him with the same animalistic gaze and Jesper immediately stopped. He looked at Inej for help, while holding a hand out sigaling to Wylan to get behind him.

"Kaz, let him go. We need him alive." Inej managed to get to his side, ordering him sternly.

"I don't," Kaz replied, his voice lower than he realized. He loosened his grip on Kuwei, slightly lowering him over the railing. Kuwei began kicking for him to let go, but Kaz just tightened his hold on the silver crow at Kuwei's neck, drawing blood.

"He knows everything about the jurda. He could tell what side effects it might have on-," Wylan told him but he was quickly hushed by Jesper. "You've said enough already!" He ushered him further away from Kaz. Momentarily Kaz loosened his grip on the cane, glancing back where Wylan was standing. Wylan swallowed at the sight of the raw anger in Kaz's eyes.

That didn't stop him from speaking up again. Unfortunately for Wylan, he learned how to be confident at the worst possible moment. This time he really should've tried to be invisible instead of acting confident.

"Kuwei said it's still in her system, making it harder for Nina to heal her, because Y/N's shapeshifting might have made the injuries worse, than they were bef-," Before Wylan could process what was happening, Kaz had a hand around his face, forcing him to look up at him.

"Say it," Kaz seethed furiously, his hand tightening on Wylan's face, making his jaw hurt from the pressure.

"Say her name one more time Merchling, and they'll be uncovering your body for months," he whispered and Wylan tried to nod, but realized he couldn't because of the grip Kaz had on him. Kaz raised one of his brows as he loosened his grip, just enough for Wylan to nod fiercely. Kaz held him for a few more seconds before letting him go.

Four days.

Four damn days.

That's how long Kaz has been avoiding everything and everyone. Whenever one of them asked what the next step was when they got back, his reply was always the same. Stick to the original plan.

He was more like a ghost than a real person at this point. Jesper exchanged concerned looks with Inej, or Nina anytime he found Kaz staring at the horizon, unmoving. He couldn't wrap his head around why Kaz wasn't with you right now. They told him countless times that you were alive and breathing, that you did not die.

But it seemed Kaz was already convinced you were dead. In the past four days Jesper saw more emotion on Kaz than in the years he had known him. He didn't know wether to be concerned or relieved that Kaz was actually expressing what he was feeling.

He decided on the former. Kaz wasn't stable by any means. The emotions he showed weren't exactly positive. Anger, grief, irritation. These were the usual feelings he showed aside from his usual brooding mood.

They were walking on thin ice around him. Any word or movement could set him off and Kaz would take his feelings out on the object closest to him. The group hid most of the things around the ship, before even Specht decided he had enough of Kaz destroying everything.

After each crash out Kaz retreated to the side of the ship, staring out at the water for hours upon hours, once or twice even attempting to walk into the room Nina treated Y/N in. He always failed to do so. The furthest he got was two steps from the door. He couldn't find it in himself to actually look inside and see her.

He was convinced that once he looked, all he would be able to see was her corpse. Then he would realize the others were lying about her survival to keep him from going completely insane. Too late for that, he thought.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On the fifth day Kaz finally willed himself to take those remaining two steps. The only reason he was able to do so was because everyone else was gathered around Nina, who was telling them tales from her childhood, trying to lighten everyone's spirits.

Obviously they didn't notice him slipping away from them. They didn't even know he was eavesdropping on them.

As Kaz stood in front of the door now, his couarge wavered. He would never admit it, probably not even to Y/N, but he never felt so anxious like in that moment. His hand was holding the doorknob for at least five minutes now, debating if he should enter or try again tomorrow.

What are the chances he could do this again? That there wouldn't be anyone to see him hesitate? How many more attempts have to be made before he finally steps inside?

Before he could talk himself out of it, he opened the door and stepped inside, closing the door behind him. At first, Kaz only looked around the dimly lit room, taking in the mess on the table. The first thing he focused on were the multiple clots thrown into a pile on one of the chairs. Bloody clots.

He was so focused on the blood, he didn't notice the movements on the small bed in the corner. He didn't even register the quiet noise, until a raspy voice interrupted his train of thoughts.

"Kaz?" The voice asked shakily, as if they had just woken up.

Kaz didn't turn to them immediately. He took a few seconds to pull himself together, before slowly, agonizingly slowly turned to look at the figure on the bed.

As soon as he looked into Y/N's eyes, Kaz crumbled.

He had to grab onto his cane along with the table so as not to fall to his kness. His legs trembled slightly anyways. The air was knocked from his lungs as he just... stared at her.

She was alive. She was breathing. She was here.

"Kaz?" She asked again, frowning a little when her movement caused her side to jolt in pain.

"Alive," Kaz mumbled under his breath, the words too muffled for Y/N to hear.

"What?" She asked tiredly, her voice no louder than a whisper as she kept staring back at him. Kaz leaned towards her slightly, as if he tried to step closer, but changed his mind and leaned back.

Neither of them broke the eyecontact. The silence was heavy with their unsaid words, the circumstances making it harder for either of them to say what they wanted.

"You're alive." Kaz whispered, but it felt loud in the silence. Y/N looked at him with furrowed brows at first. She looked at him with a questioning look, trying to figure out what he was thinking.

"You're alive." His words were firmer this time, as he let go of the table and took a step closer. Despite her tiredness and the pain all through her body, Y/N managed a tiny smile in the corner of her lips.

"I'm alive, koja," she whispered.

Kaz collapsed into the chair next to her bed.

A/N: If you read this far, first of all thank you and hope you liked it!

Second: here's the full wedding vow from Genya and David's wedding, edited to fit this story. It's one of my deleted scenes, where Y/N says it in Kerch, while Kaz says it in Ravkan♡

"We are soldiers. I will march with you in times of war. I will rest with you in times of peace. I will forever be the weapon in your hand, the fighter at your side, the friend who awaits your return. I have seen you change at the bottom of the world. There is no one more loved by me Kaz Brekker, stubborn and unbreakable."

Our perception of time is defined by our ability to choose the right moment.

There is no right choice.

Every moment we choose to hesitate, to act irrationally is already a moment born in uncertainty. There is no choice that doesn't already carry the weight of a collateral damage, a necessary evil, which hides in the shadows of the illusion we call "the better choice".

There's no right choice...

There's no possibility to choose from, because there is only one way this can play out, and that's with a bullet in his brain and his blood scattered on the cobblestones.

And even if there was a choice, it would change nothing. There is nothing any of them could do to change the fate waiting for them.

If these are my last moments, at least we'll be together, Kaz thought. If death has finally came for him, at least he wouldn't be alone, because he had Y/N with him. Kaz reached behind him to hold her hand for one last time, ignoring the fact that their relationship wouldn't be a secret anymore, but he could only feel the metal of the tank under his fingers.

Kaz whipped his head around only to find Y/N reaching up to Kuwei. No, not Kuwei, he realized as fear coursed through him.

Y/N reached for the tiny pouch of jurda.

Kaz leaped from his seat.

"We shoud do this some other time! This is so much fun!" Jesper shouted in delight while the tank moved closer and closer to the harbour.

"Clearly we have a different definition of fun," YN mumbled to herself, trying find a position that didn't strain her bandaged shoulder too much.

Kaz noticed her motion and glanced at the bandage, furrowing his brows. He tried to piece together when that could've happened, coming to the conclusion that this was why Nina looked so disheveled and worried when she found them. As the thoughts of YN fighting a drüskelle alone coursed through his mind, his eyes never left the wound. He was completely oblivious to the stares he got from her, trying to reassure him that she was fine.

When Kaz finally looked at her, she moved her hand closer to him on the surface of the tank. To anyone watching, it looked like she was just trying to reapply her grip on the metal, but to YN it was her way of making him snap out of his thoughts, and bringing him back to reality.

She did it just in time for them to turn their heads and see that they were completely surrounded. The tank came to a stop at the edge of the harbour, watching in shock as the soldiers pointed their weapons at them. They turned in every direction, but there was nowhere to go now. This is it. This is where it all ends.

"There has to be a way for us to-" Nina started but Jesper cut her off. "Are you blind?! There's hundreds of armed soldiers surrounding us!" He yelled, still in shock. They were so close. They were so close to go home.

"Please tell me you have a plan for this," YN whispered to Kaz, who just kept staring ahead of him. His whole body was frozen in place, and YN was close to asking Nina if he was even still breathing.

Kaz didn't move, he couldn't. How could he? This is it. All of his sleepless night, scheming and planning, making ideas upon ideas, preparing himself and the group for numerous outcomes, and yet, it was all worthless. No matter how much he prepared, how much he read and stayed up late, no matter how strict he was with them, it didn't count in the end.

His mind went completely blank.

This was the one thing, the only thing, that he didn't count on, because this was the worst possible outcome he wasn't ready to plan for. He wasn't ready. Kaz Brekker was not ready to die, not like this, not like some low scum of a man, who couldn't even keep the one promise he desperately wanted to keep.

Kaz heard the voices of the others asking him what was next, what would they have to do. But Kaz was speechless. He couldn't answer them. He couldn't tell them they were never going home. He couldn't, because Kaz himself was horrified.

He tried to push the feeling deep down, but he couldn't stop thinking about the fact that YN was never going to see her family again. That she will neer see her nephew grow up, that she will never hold his face again, or that she will never be able to-

"Are you out of your mind?! It would be suicide!" Nina shouted and the loud noise made Kaz snap out of his inner turmoil.

He turned to look at Nina, who was arguing with YN and Kuwei. The shu boy held a small pouch in his hand, and Kaz figured that must be the jurda parem. For a few seconds he didn't understand what was happening, but when he saw the look on Y/N's face and the way she was hovering her hand near the pouch of jurda, Kaz's eyes widened against his will.

"What do you think you're doing?" Kaz asked coldy as he looked between them. His voice was directed at Y/N, who straight-up ignored the warning tone, not moving away from her spot.

"This is our only chance, and these idiots know it!" She said to which Nina let out an offended gasp. "Did you just call me an idiot?!" She asked and the two girls began arguing again. Kuwei just sat there holding the jurda, not quite understanding what was going on.

"Enough!" Kaz shouted suddenly and all of them turned towards him. The girls stopped their fight and both of them loked at him in annoyance for interrupting them.

"Is that the parem?" Kaz asked and pointed at the pouch in Kuwei's hand, to which both girls nodded. "And it's dangerous I presume?" Another nod. "It can make you an addict just like the Grishas we came across, yes?" Another nod, followed by a heavy silence. "And what are the side effects of taking it?"

"That's exactly what we were discussing." Nina told him and made sure to glare at Y/N, who ignored said glare. "If you call listing all the reasons why I'd be a moron to take it, then yes, we discussed it," Y/N almost hissed back at Nina. Kaz rolled his eyes.

"If it can kill you, then it should be a discussion, not just a decision based on a random hunch," Kaz told Y/N, who was trying to grab the pouch again, but this time Kuwei noticed and pulled his hand away, to which Y/N stood up to take it with force if she had to.

Kaz almost jumped up to pull her away, but Nina was quicker. She grabbed Y/N's hand and slapped it away. "Oh for fuck's sake, Zenik!" Y/N damn neraly shouted while Nina asked for the pouch from Kuwei, who gave it to her with a worried look. "Oh, so if I do it, I'm suicidal but if you, then it's totally fine!"

"I know the consequences!" Nina shouted back, trying to not look at Matthias or Inej. She knew if she did, she wouldn't be able to go through with this. "I know what parem does to a Grisha. However, we do not know what it would do to you." Her voice softened towards the end of her sentence, making Y/N grew annoyed.

"Zenik is right," Kaz said and Y/N turned to him with furrowed brows. "And you're an expert since when? What do you know about magic, Brekker? Nothing!" She argued with him, and all the Crows watched in silence as she lashed out.

Kaz just sat there, taking her words as she continued to spill all of her anger out on him, each word like a slap to his face. He just let her do it, because he understood more than anyone what it felt like to be angry at the world when things didn't go as planned, when he suddenly felt helpless, and there was nothing he could do about it.

Kaz knew that Y/N was scared, he could see it in the way her hands trembled just enough to be noticed, how she tried to control the crack in her voice, and how her eyes slowly became glassy from unshed tears. She was the most terrified he has ever seen her.

Meanwhile, Nina held the pouch of parem in trembling hands, watching the two of them with a pang of guilt. She was still contemplating if she could take the parem and go through a horrible recovery, if that was even possible, or just give it to Y/N who already decided to do it. That thought made Nina guilty. It would be a selfish decision to let her take it, just because she was too afraid of the aftermath.

She couldn't let Y/N do it. She still had a family to go home to. She had a life to get back to. And by the way she saw her and Kaz act around each other, Nina hoped there was love waiting for her too.

"Y/N." Kaz spoke up on a soft voice while she was still arguing. His voice was muffled by all the noise around them, so he tried to call her name again, trying to distract her thoughts of the parem.

"Orlova." He said again, and this time Inej and Wylan heard it, turning towards him.

"Y/N Orlova." He repeated louder this time, but the soft tone still evident.

Now Jesper looked at them too, but he was elbowed in the ribs by Inej when he almost spoke up to interrupt them, with a fun comment presumably. Instead he was made to turn away from them, to give the two of them some privacy at least.

'"Y/N, please." Kaz pleaded with her on a quiet voice, but she wouldn't stop.

She wasn't angry anymore, the shock and helplessness took over her, and now she was just babbling about how they were going to die if she didn't take the parem, because she wouldn't let Nina do that. She didn't say it out loud, but Kaz knew what she was saying. She was going to sacrifice herself, so they would make it back to Ketterdam. As soon as the thought appeared in Kaz's brain, he didn't hesitate to stand up and grab Y/N by the shoulders.

"Ty moya zhena!" Kaz shouted to her face and she finally stopped talking.

She heard the others turn at the sound of Kaz's voice, never before hearing him speak in another language. She tried to move away, but Kaz held her in place. She looked at his piercing blue eyes, his gaze speaking louder than any words.

"Ty. Moya. Zhena." Kaz spoke each word with passion in his eyes, trying to get Y/N to truly understand what they meant. Her eyes became glassy again as one of her hands came up to cup Kaz's face. He slowly let his hands travel up to her neck, his thumbs caressing her skin.

"Ty moya zhena. Moya zhena." Kaz whispered the words as they stood there, completely unaware of the shocked looks the others sent their way. Nina's jaw was practically on the floor.

"A ty moi muzh." Y/N whispered back, her eyes betraying the saddness she felt.

(A/N: ty moya zhena=you are my wife; a ty moi muzh=and you're my husband)

She wanted to say those words in the comfort of their home, after a long day, when there was just the two of them in their tiny apartment, probably a bottle of kvas and their interwined hands between them. But that wasn't possible. Only if she-

Her thoughts were interrupted by a sudden warmth on her lips. Y/N felt as if she was spinning, her head swirling as leather clawed hands came around her, squeezing her impossibly closer to the other person. She was clinging to them just the same, clutching the back of his coat in a deathly grip, afraid to let go.

Kaz was kissing her like there was no tomorrow.

And there wasn't. These could be very well considered her last moments, and Kaz was kissing her like they were a demon and an angel, and her kiss was the only thing that could make him see the heavens. Like he was a damned soul trapped on the Earth, and Y/N was the one showing him the way to salvation.

Kaz had been walking his way a long time, and he finally reached his destination.

When Y/N began pulling away, afraid of pushing his limits, Kaz instantly leaned closer to capture her lips again. He couldn't get enough of her now that he knew what she felt like. He wanted to savour every second their lips touched, he wanted to make her understand just how much those two little words meant to him.

"I do." Kaz whispered in between kisses.

"I do." Y/N smiled into their kiss and Kaz let out a soft groan, their kisses becoming more passionate, as the fear of their impending death slowly crept into the moment.

Y/N felt bittersweet as she thought about what was going to happen in just a few seconds. She was angry at the world, and she tried to water down her guilt by kissing Kaz more vehemently. The messier their kisses became, the sadder Y/N got.

It wasn't fair what she was about to do to him, but there was no other way. A single tear escaped her eye, and she could feel the salty taste on her lips as she desperately clinged onto Kaz for one more kiss.

One more kiss. With one more kiss, she was going to betray him, the one thing she promised to never do. Only one kiss to make him hate her forever. Only one kiss and their fate will be determined.

One single kiss is all it takes.

One.

Kiss.

It all happened so fast. One second she was kissing Kaz like it was the last time, and the next she was snatching the pouch of jurda from Nina's hand, transforming into a crow and quicly flying away as the group yelled and protested.

Even in animal form, Y/N felt the unshed tears burn her eyes as she left them there. The guilt was like a knife to her heart, twisting and turning the farther she flew from them, and she could feel the phantom blade cut the organ into a million pieces in her chest.

When she stopped at the edge of the town, she allowed herself to waste a few seconds, silently apologizing to everyone, especially to Kaz and her brother. If she was to die because of the complications the jurda parem would make her go through, she wanted her last memories to be of her family.

She wanted the Saints to know that even if her life wasn't finished yet, she will be leaving it happy and content.

With a quick inhale, Y/N opened the pouch and poured some of the jurda into her mouth, frowning at the taste. After waiting for a few more seconds, she could feel her entire body began to tingle, and with one last sigh she closed her eyes and concentrated on the form she would be shifting into.

The sun above him scorched the clouds, its relentless heat searing them with an unforgiving pain. The heavenly rays of light seemed to laugh at Kaz, the warmth on his face a grotesque mockery of the despair inside him, as if the Sun itself found his grief a mere amusement.

One second Y/N was in his arms, kissing him like in his dreams, and the next she was ripped away from him and took the jurda with her. For a few seconds Kaz just stood there frozen, his face blank and eyes wide, his brain trying to keep up with all the emotions and thoughts inside him. He was oblivious to the looks he got from the rest of the group, but in his inner turmoil he could guess what they've all felt: shock, surprise, and sorry for him.

Kaz swallowed hard as he felt his knees grew weak, and he feared he would collapse in front of the others, therefore slowly, albeit robotically, he sat back down on the side of the tank, gripping his cane so tightly, that he could feel the ring under his glove dig into his finger.

"Oh Kaz," Nina spoke up, her voice barely above a whisper. She felt a few tears brim her eyes as she continued. "When did you two even-" She wanted to ask, but Kaz interrupted her. Despite the monotone voice, they could hear bits of shock and grief in his usually stoic voice.

"The roof at the incinerator. I wed her in Ravkan tradition. Partially at least, since we couldn't just parade around in white and gold dresses. The speech was at least in Ravkan, and our wedding bands were made of Grisha steel." Kaz explained, still not turning towards them.

He didn't think of his actions when he pulled one of his gloves off, holding his hand up for them to see. There it was, the dark silver wedding band on his finger, the metal shining in the sun. Nina let out a sharp gasp, now understanding the reason why Kaz refused to take off his soaked gloves after they managed to revive him.

"But why silver?" Jesper asked, afer he finally got rid of his shocked face. For now.

"What's the most valuable thing in the world?" Kaz asked, weariness creeping into his words, his lungs seeming to cave in on themselves, and he felt like he was going to slowly suffocate.

"Power?" Asked Jesper confused as to what answer should he give.

"Freedom?" Came Inej's answer.

"Love?" The group turned to Matthias with raised brows, and Matthias mumbled something to himself.

"Money." Kaz answered for them and he looked back at Jesper and Inej as he continued. "And what's the most valuable thing every criminal wants in Ketterdam?"

"Gold," Jesper and Inej answered simultaneously as their face fell. They sent Kaz a sad look, but he just stared back at them with a blank face, the fear not completely gone from his eyes.

"Usually wedding bands are made from gold, which makes them easy to recognize. On the other hand, a silver ring gets overlooked, even if it's worn on the ring-finger. If I was to get into a fight, and somehow they manage to get my hands bare, they wouldn't be able to connect me to Y/N based on the ring alone."

Kaz explained but decided not to go further with his words, not having the mental energy to keep speaking without his voice cracking somewhere in his speech. He tried to focus on the sole thought that he had finally kissed her, and managed to put that damn ring on her.

Kaz's thoughts didn't have time to turn sour, to acknowledge the grief and anger he felt mixed with the sense of betrayal, because a loud roar could be heard. He looked around and saw the fjerdan soldiers glance at the sky in confusion. Then he saw it.

No.

Her.

The enormous beast rose higher and higher with its wings stretched to their full width, and as Kaz looked up at the dragon flying over above them, he couldn't help but feel a deep sense of pride as he looked up at Y/N. If he wasn't so shocked about everything that occured in the past five minutes, Kaz was sure he would've looked at the soldiers with an arrogant smile. Yeah, that's my wife you sons of bitches, he thought to himself.

The bronze dragon let out another loud roar, as she circled around the harbour, sometimes flying dangerously close to the soldiers, her massive wings blocking the Sun above them. She was the true image of a beast, deadly and dangerous, and despite her claws she looked nothing short of beautiful, magical, magisterial.

Kaz wasn't a man fond of beauty. He only found it in shining gold, and the thick roll of kruge. He paid little to no attention to artists, and rarely did he enjoy looking at artifacts for sheer contemt, and even then only to measure their price.

He was looking at the dragon form of Y/N and he could only stare in awe at the magical being that was his wife. In his worry and anger Kaz couldn't ignore the pride he felt watching her settle down beside their tank, a protective gesture and a threat all at once.

Kaz didn't hold back his arrogant smirk as he watched the soldiers glance between each other and the dragon in fear and worry.

Inej and Nina held each other's hands and stared at Y/N with a glint of child-like wonder and disbelief. Both of them thought back to the Ravkan fairytales they no doubt heard many times during their childhood. The two girls glanced back at the dragon and Nina let out a breathy chuckle as Y/N moved closer to them. Wylan and Kuwei looked genuinely terrified at the creature, their mind's not yet processing Y/N's transformation.

Jesper seemed almost giddy at the sight of his friend, already planning how to ask her to let him ride on her back before she transforms back to human. Matthias, unbelievably, wore the same expression as Kaz. He too was in awe of the magical creature like he was a little boy again, but his worry for Y/N was close to none, unlike Kaz's.

The dragon stepped around the tank, a threatening growl escaping her sharp-teethed mouth. Her snout gently signaled to the direction of the Ferolind, the group turning their gaze towards the harbour. Wylan and Kaz were the first to regain their senses, and getting the others to move the tank towards the dock.

"I'm no engineer of course, but uh," Jesper started as he stared at the wooden planks of the dock, "I don't think a dock is capable of holding a tank on its surface."

"Then we'll walk," Kaz said back as a matter of fact, making Jesper's eyes go wide. "They will shoot us!"

Kaz let a small smirk escape his lips as he looked behind them. "Y/N would sooner burn them alive."

The group reluctantly got off the tank, but as soon as they met the gazes of the soldiers gathered around them, they fastened their steps. Inej and Nina grabbed each other's hand in a hurry, the boys quickly following in their steps. Kaz stayed behind to make sure everyone got to the Ferolind without any trouble.

"Is that a fucking dragon?!" Specht exclaimed as he watched them get on the boat. He turned to Kaz with a surprised face. "Boss, how the hell did you get a dragon?"

"I married one," Kaz replied casually and watched as Specht swallowed hard. Kaz took a step closer to him, to which Specht instinctively straightened himself, ready for whatever Kaz had to say.

"I have a task for you."

I need you to do the one thing I'm not able to, Kaz thought, his mind a hurricane of emotions. I need you to keep the promise I-

Gunshots rang out in the harbor, targeting their boat.

Kaz looked behind him only to be met with his darkest nightmare.

The soldiers began firing at both the Ferolind and the dragon. She was roaring and trashing around, stomping her legs on the ground and using her tail to hit the soldiers into the water, clearly not wanting to kill them all.

The bullets went flying around their heads, and Specht rushed everyone to help them get away from the harbour as soon as possible. Kaz watched as they handled the boat, Jesper and Matthias sending a few shots back at the soldiers. He watched for a couple of seconds, before his gaze turned back to his wife.

She was getting angrier by the second, and Kaz knew that soon she will start killing the Fjerdans, no matter how many. He could already notice her reluctance slowly fading away, as the fire in her throat became brighter and brighter, ready to be let out.

Y/N flew up in the sky, circling around them, directing their shots at her instead of the Ferolind. Kaz could only watch in helplessness as she let the bullets hit her, roaring and growling at the pain, but still not doing anything to stop it.

That was until she glanced at the Ferolind getting further and further away from her. She knew that Kaz couldn't see the emotions on her face in this form, hell, he couldn't even see her completely. Despite that, she was sure he knew how scared she was, because he must've felt just as terrified.

Y/N sent one last thought to Kaz, hoping that in some magical way he will be able to hear her.

If I cannot have my happy ending, neither will they.

This sentence kept repeating in her head as she dove down from the sky, letting the fire burn her throat. The flames erupted from her mouth, making every soldier breath in her misery and anger, their crimson blood getting mixed with the snow and the ashes of their bones, painting the dock into a true image of devastation.

And she just looked at them with pity when they tried to shoot her again, sending another burst of flames through them. She roared at them the loudest she could, letting all of her emotions out, killing them mercilessly like a true monster would.

Their cries of pain and devastation kept ringing in her ears as she flew after the Ferolind. All the pain she caused. All that blood she could feel on her claws. All that fire still lodged in her throat, ready to be used again, but making her feel like it will burn her alive if she doesn't change back to human soon.

Y/N tried to access her wounds as she grew closer to the boat. Although she couldn't see them, she could definitely feel every single one of them. Her limbs started to feel heavy, as if they were going numb from something. She let out a low growl, as her legs began throbbing in pain.

It seemed her brain finally decided to catch up with the hits and bullets she took in the fight. In the moment it felt like she was invincible, she felt untouchable. But now, as she neared the Ferolind, the adrenaline of the fight wearing off, she felt like she was about to die any minute.

Die.

What a dramatic word for how she felt. But Y/N couldn't find a better way to word it to herself. Every breath felt like she was breathing fire, as if she was somehow breathing in the same fire her dragon self was making, as if her body was slowly killing itself.

She could hear her heart pumping in her ears, and her chest felt heavier by the second while her vision became disoriented. Her view seemed to be shifting from clear to blurry, then blurry to clear again. She could feel her body dragging her further and further down, while she tried to maintain some kind of order in her flight, but she felt her wings swaying her from side to side, like she was inebriated or something.

Again, she felt her heart ringing in her ears, mixed with the painful cries of the soldiers, and it all made her feel like her heart was going to cease to beat. The panic slowly took over her every sense, making her fight or flight mode kick in with full force, leaving her brain with only one coherent thought.

I'm going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die.

Her heart was beating so loud it was deafening.

Her limbs felt so heavy she couldn't move her wings anymore.

Her head felt like it was going to explode.

The last thing Y/N saw through her blurry vision was a black figure at the front of the Ferolind, before the waves engulfed her in a drowning hug.

In the next lifetime, we'll meet one day.

The next life we'll meet one day.

We'll meet one day.

One day.

Lightness, then darkness. Silence, no thoughts, no sounds, no noises. No cold. No heat. No flash of memories, and no sense of peace and finality. Just nothing.

To THIS:

~~~~~Chapter starts from here~~~~~

Our perception of time is defined by our ability to choose the right moment. It is defined by our hesitance to choose, our impatience to think, and our despair to do something.

There is no right choice.

Every moment we choose to hesitate, to act impatiently is already a moment born in uncertainty. These are the defining moments that grip our wit and force them onto a pedestal made of guilt for our actions. Despite the illusion of lucky outcomes, there is no good choice. There is no choice that doesn't already carry the weight of a collateral damage, a necessary evil, which hides in the shadows of the illusion we call "the better choice".

'There is no right choice.'

This simple sentence was the only thing Y/N could think about as she watched Nina disappear with one of the Drüskelle men. She was definite Nina could take care of herself, but there was this small glimpse of hesitation in her head that told her to follow them.

"Where are you going?" She heard Kaz's whisper behind her.

"A Drüskelle disappeared with Nina. I have a bad feeling." Kaz looked back at her with urgency in his eyes. "It's part of her job to distract them however she pleases. You should be thinking about your part in this," he said but Y/N looked at him impatiently.

"She's a Grisha in a Fjerdan prison. I'm not taking chances." Just as she was about to walk off, her wrist was caught in a tight grip.

Kaz's face was unreadable as he held her in his grip, but Y/N saw the hesitance and worry in his eyes. She looked at him for a long moment, before gently squeezing his hand to reassure him. Kaz didn't let go of her as he spoke up, his eyes turning softer with each passing second.

"You have to be quick. If you go now, we probably won't meet until we're out. If you get in trouble, follow one of us, any of us," he said in a hurried whisper, not giving her time to say anything. Kaz took a shaky breath as he continued. "I cannot emphasize this enough, we don't have much time. Be. Quick." His words were firm, making it clear this was not a discussion. Y/N knew the hidden meaning behind his words though.

We don't have time. I don't want you to go.

Be quick. Be careful.

She wrapped her other hand around the one Kaz was already holding, before bringing it up to her lips to press a gentle kiss on their joined hands. When she looked up, the emotions swirling in Kaz's ocean eyes almost made her stay. Almost. But Nina was in possible danger.

Y/N squeezed their hand one more time before following where Nina went. Kaz stood there for a couple more seconds, looking at her go as he focused on the touch that lingered on his gloved hand. He hoped it wasn't the last time.

Nina was cornered. She knew as soon as the man led her to a bedroom and closed the door behind them. He didn't lock it, which made Nina only slightly more hopeful. The man was talking and she tried to keep up her flirting facade, but she felt it fade as she tried to think of a way to put him to sleep, or escape if she had to.

The man talked and talked, and Nina grew suspicious of the dizziness that was getting worse by the minute. Her mind raced, trying to figure out a way to get rid of the man, but it seemed he had the same intentions. Nina fought him, but the drug was already having a toll on her powers, therefore she couldn't slow the man's heart down efficiently.

Her savior came dressed in leather and gun in hand.

"Nina dear, would you mind if I joined?" Y/N asked nonchalantly and the man turned to her along with Nina. She used his distraction to attack and this time she managed to blow a punch to his jaw, making him back away a few steps, closer to Y/N.

"Be my guest sweet Y/N," Nina replied a little out of breath, her dizziness making it harder to focus on her movements. The two of them tried to fight off the man, despite knowing that he was trained for this more professionally than they were. The fact that he was taller than Jesper wasn't helping either.

The man fell to the ground and the girls took the next few seconds to catch their breath. Nina felt relief wash over her at Y/N's appearance. She was about to thank the girl, when she was pushed out of the room, the door slamming shut behind her. She quickly turned to get back inside, but the door was locked. Nina tried with all her might to break it open, but Y/N's voice stopped her.

"Don't waste your time! Find Matthias and Kaz! Nina-" Her voice was cut off with a loud groan as she was slammed against the door. Nina began slamming the door with her shoulder, but it wouldn't budge.

"Y/N open the fucking door!" She shouted, her fist slamming on the wooden surface. She didn't get an answer until moments later, when Y/N yelled at her again on a hoarse tone. "If you don't fucking go right now, I'll open this door and kill you myself!"

Nina thought she was threatened multiple times in her life, but none of them affected her as much as Y/N did in that moment. The tales Inej and Jesper told her about the girl finally started to make sense. It wasn't Y/N threatening her, it was the beast underneath her skin.

Nina ran as fast as she could and prayed to the Saints Y/N would follow her in just a few minutes.

She'd rather not find out what Kaz Brekker would do if the girl didn't.

She felt terrified.

Helpless.

Abandoned by her own powers.

Struck with disbelief and horror, as the arms held her down. She never thought this would happen to her. She was always observant, alert, focused on her surroundings to the point of being paranoid. Her own powers abandoned her as soon as the man's chest collided with her back.

Her entire body was hurting from the hits she took. She felt the salty taste of blood drip from her nose down to her lip, leaving a bitter taste in her mouth. Still, she didn't stop trying to get out from under her captor. She managed once, so she could do it again, this time trying to avoid getting her head smashed into the wall.

The concussion was slowly but surely dripping her ability to form coherent thoughts. She wasn't thinking about the prison she was in anymore, nor the plan she had to complete, nor the loud noise they were making, and not even her powers being discovered.

The only thing she could think of was getting out of this room. Up from this bed, out from under the man, out of his grip and out the door. She just had to get out.

Her decision to willingly lock herself in with the man was a decision made in a hurry. She didn't dare hesitate when she noticed the small bottle of liquid in the man's pocket, which was there to make Nina obedient, unaware of his actions. There was no right choice, Y/N knew that and still, she chose to get Nina out.

There was no right choice.

If she went with Nina, the Drüskelle would've alarmed everyone and they'd probably be dead by now. If she let Nina stay, one, or both of them would be unconscious. If she got Nina out, she could escape, but Y/N would've had to fight her way out. She unwillingly choose to fight until death, and she was regretting that decision greatly. Except getting Nina out, that she didn't regret.

To her shock, Y/N's mind went blank. She tossed herself, trying to get at least one of her arms out to grab her revolver just within her reach, but she failed attempt after attempt. Her breathing became ragged as the panic rose in her, making her captor's grip so tight, she could feel his fingers dig deep into her bones.

Getting a grip on her emotions to think of an escape plan became almost impossible, the only thing remaining in her head was survival. No matter how, she just wanted to survive this.

The sound of a belt being unbuckled made her eyes widen in horror, as her movements became frantic. She could feel her coat being moved, exposing her entire lower half. Her tears mixed with the blood still dripping from her nose, her escape attempts too weak for her liking.

She felt her own belt being removed as she suddenly began screaming for help, despite knowing no one would hear it. Her fighting abilities, her shapeshifting power and her cleverness left her to deal with the panic alone.

For a few seconds her gaze shifted to the gun not far away from her. Desperate to get out of the situation, Y/N's first thought wasn't to shoot her captor, but herself.

If she managed to grab the gun she could easily pull the trigger, it wouldn't take longer than two seconds to do it. They couldn't use her for experiments or something worse, if she was dead. As soon as the thought formed in her mind, she cried even more.

What would her brother think if he knew she gave up that easily?

What would happen to Kaz if he lost her?

Could she really leave them behind, just like that, her family?

Could she end her life?

Did she really want to die, or was she just too desperate to escape?

Was she ready to end her life, just when it was about to began?

"No," Y/N whispered as the man was about to take off her pants. Gathering every ounce of strength she still had left, Y/N arched her back and cracked the man's nose with the back of her head. It hurt, but she ignored the pain and quickly grabbed the gun.

Or tried, because the man was fast to recover from the hit on his face. He grabbed Y/N again and the two of them began another fist fight.

She looked to the side to see if the gun was still there and when the man noticed where her gaze went, their movements stilled for a moment.

Both of them glanced at the weapon, then at each other.

They both reached for the gun.

The Drüskelle got there first.

Kaz was on the very edge of punching someone. It's been six minutes since they brought Yul-Bayur's son, Kuwei, with them. It's been eleven minutes since he and Y/N parted ways. Nina was talking for less than thirty seconds and Kaz wanted nothing more than smash someone's face in.

As soon as he spotted the disheveled clothes and dried blood on Nina, Kaz knew Y/N was in more than just trouble. He listened to the conversation Nina and Matthias was having about going forward with the plan, because she threatened Nina to do so. Kaz would've agreed that it was the logical thing to do, but all logic went out the window the second he heard "danger" and "Y/N" in the same sentence.

They were short on time and the footsteps of the soldiers could be heard as theí got closer and closer to the hall they were standing in. While the other three looked at each other in worry, Kaz had a small grin on his face that could only be described as evil. There was no emotion in his features except undeniable rage.

One of them hurt Y/N. He did not care which one. He was going to kill them all.

Noticing the murderous expression on Kaz, both Nina and Matthias tried to talk him out of it. There was no way they could fight off that many Drüskelle, let alone win. Kaz sent them a condescending look as he spoke up.

"Do you not want to get revenge dear Nina?" His sweet tone did nothing to soothe their nerves, it only made Matthias more convinced that Kaz was a demon from Hell. Seeing their hesitance Kaz continued. "Then this is your chance."

"Killing them won't stop anything! There will always be Drüskelle, as long as Fjerda exists," Nina said but Kaz scoffed.

"That isn't my problem, but do you know what is? You, leaving Y/N behind to deal with a soldier raised to kill her kind, and now when you have the chance to kill a few of those people you refuse, because..what? You don't want blood on your hands? You don't want to kill them?" Kaz asked and Nina looked at him in anger, but kept her throughts to herself.

"Cat got your tongue?" Kaz chuckled humorlessly and Matthias couldn't help himself as he stepped between Kaz and Nina. "Enough, demjin. As you said, we have to go. We don't have time."

But Kaz didn't care. As if he had all the time in the world, he slowly turned to look at Matthias with predator-like eyes, as he spoke up on a dark voice.

"It won't take long what I'm about to do." The small grin he gave Matthias resembled a demon, about to commit unforgiveable, evil things. They knew what that smile ment by now, therefore both Matthias and Nina watched as Kaz slowly walked up to the first soldier that rounded the corner. Nina only noticed just now that his cane was back with him, because when they parted at the party he didn't have it.

Y/N.

Y/N brought it back to him.

Kaz was about to go on a rampage. Nina immediately knew what it meant. The rage in his eyes, riling Nina up about the Drüskelle, his irrational decision to stay just to fight. Kaz wasn't doing it because it was the right thing to do. He was doing it for distraction, to give Y/N time to escape without coming across another soldier.

Kaz was acting protective over her, despite not even knowing what happened to her yet. Maybe it was better that none of them knew, Nina thought. Along with her earlier shock and surprise, she felt curiosity take over her as she thought about what his actions could've ment.

Kaz cared about Y/N more than he was willing to show, Nina didn't question that. But why? What unbreakable bond was between the two that made them so protective?

Nina didn't have time to wonder any longer, because Kaz lifted his cane with a barely noticeable grin. He was about to go on a killing spree.

And he was going to enjoy every second of it.

As soon as Kaz lifted his cane for the first strike, Nina knew most of these soldiers wouldn't leave the hallway. She couldn't help but watch as Kaz turned into the monster Ketterdam knew so well.

Demjin, as Matthias had called him, Dirtyhands with claws in the place of fingers, the man born from shadows, The Devil behind the mask of a human. In that moment all of them seemed fitting for Kaz.

Although Nina joined in on the fight, with Matthias making sure Kuwei wouldn't escape, Kaz still had a major bodycount. The silver glint of the crow on his cane couldn't be seen anymore, it was drenched in blood just like its owner.

Kaz didn't fight gracefully, he wasn't untouched by the soldiers and his movements resembled any other person in the Barrel who didn't know how to fight and just kicked and smashed everything they saw. And he was winning.

Despite the blood and countless hits to his face, his more prominent limp and the disheveled clothes, he was smashing the soldier's head in with full force, not caring about the mess he was making, or how much of a maniac he seemed from the outside.

All he cared about was taking down as many as he could, ensuring that his girl wouldn't come across one of them, and hoping she was already on her way out of this prison.

When the ash tree blew up and Kaz, along with the rest of them, jumped into the underground spring flowing beneat it, he felt panic rise within his chest. The water was freezing cold and he had to ground himself not to start taking big gulps of water, or accidentally bite down on the baleen too soon.

As his air slowly ran out, Kaz could only think of Y/N, with the heavy pressure of regret and the ice cold water.

I'm afraid I can't keep my promise. Forgive me, my love.

"What the FUCK happened to you?!" Jesper said loudly, making both Inej and Wylan shush him. Their faces soon matched Jesper's concerned features as they looked at Y/N in shock.

Blood was smeared all over her face, probably in a failed attempt to clean it off. A black circle was forming around one of her eyes and the dried blood seemed almost black around her nose. She was clutching her left arm, making the blood drip onto her other hand. Her coat and shirt was torn, her hair a mess like she was caught in a hurricane and her eyes seemed numb, almost empty.

She exhaled deeply as she approached them. "I'm fine and how are you, Jes?" She asked, trying to hide the tremble in her voice.

Jesper immediately helped her sit down, careful not to touch her injured arm while Inej grabbed the see-through scarf still around her to tie it around her wound. Wylan grabbed a vial from his bag and gave it to Jesper.

"Pour all of it on the wound. This'll make sure it won't get infected. I have some more on the boat," he explained while Jesper did as he asked. Y/N tried to muffle her groans as the liquid touched her skin.

"Did you just pour acid on me?" She groaned and Wylan looked at her with a sheepish look. "No, that's absinthe."

All of them turned to Wylan with a surprised look. It was Y/N who spoke up first. "You've been carrying absinthe around this place all this time?"

"And we just wasted it?" Jesper asked with dramatically wide eyes as he glanced back at Y/N's injured arm, that was now succesfully bandaged by Inej. "Maybe I can still lick it off."

"You keep your tongue away from me!" Y/N threatened Jesper, but the humor in her eyes betrayed her and both of them let out a small chuckle.

Inej joined for a small smile, but reminded them they should be going. They walked in silence for a few minutes before shouting could be heard in the distance, followed by footsteps getting closer. They have reached the glass bridge, but they couldn't feel relieved just yet.

Y/N poked Inej on her shoulder and pointed out to a Fjerdan tank just below them.

"I have a very terrible idea."

Nina decided that she hated when Kaz fell silent.

Ever since Matthias and her reuscitated him, and briefly argued with him of course, he hasn't uttered a word, nor did he make any sound.

Their small group was trekking across the snow to reach the harbour, where hopefully they could get on the Ferolind without any more obstacles.

Nina tried to lighten their moods by striking up light conversation, but Kuwei was the only one who talked to her, despite his nervousness and worry. But even the shu boy's talkativeness came to an end, leaving Nina alone with her thoughts which were currently revolving around what just happened, and strangely, Kaz's behaviour right after he was saved from death.

The silence was broken by a loud noise in the distance. It was very faint at first, muffled by the wind, but slowly it became louder and louder. There was the sound of a machine whirring, mixed with people yelling and an animal barking. The small group looked around to see where the noise was coming from, only to realize it was getting closer and closer.

Nina couldn't shake the awfully suspicious feeling take over her as she remembered how Kaz lashed out when she accidentally touched his gloved hand. He was holding it as if it was hurt, but she knew there was something else behind his secretiveness, because he refused to take off the cold, drenched gloves.

The heartrender couldn't figure out if it were the gloves themselves that he didn't want to leave behind, or if there was something entirely else he was hiding. Either way, Nina felt suspicious.

When they fully looked behind them, they saw a tank coming their way with a white wolf running after them. Kaz thought it was the enemy at first, that the Fjerdans found them at last and this was the end, and he had to come up with a plan very quickly. But then he noticed a person standing on top of the tank, waving a green scarf, and suddenly any previous thought left his mind.

She's alive.

She came back to him.

Kaz didn't even notice when he began smiling, and he didn't care who saw him in that moment.

His shapeshifter was back, and they were going home.

"Saints, Kaz! You actually look happy!" Nina giggled, looking at him in surprise.

"Don't be ridiculous," he said, but there was no mistaking it. The boy shook his head with a light chuckle, his eyes not moving an inch away from the tank and the white wolf. Kaz Brekker was grinning like an idiot, feeling the happiest he ever did in his Saints-damned life, if he dared admit it to himself.

Before they could react, Kaz began running towards the tank, clearly not giving a damn about his limp, nor the cold wind. Nina followed him with a matching smile, Matthias and Kuwei close behind them. The tank came to a stop and Jesper rushed them onto it, wherever they found space, and told them to hold on tight.

**The white wolf leaped onto the machine and changed back into Y/N, who -upon seeing Kaz's grin- began smiling like a fool too. They let themselves get lost in each other's eyes for a few seconds longer than they usually would around others, because Saints, they just found out the other is still alive. They were allowed to look relieved and happy.

Their staring contest was broken by Inej and Wylan, urging Y/N to sit and hold on tight. She quickly plopped down just a few inches below Kaz and grabbed the side of the tank. As the tank began moving again, her other hand gripped the lower half of Kaz's cane, and gave it a playful tug. In response Kaz pulled the cane, and with it Y/N, closer to him, making it clear to her that he was not letting her go.

He risked taking a look back, and he felt his heart swell at the sight of Y/N looking back at him with loving eyes, and a soft smile that he knew was reserved for him only.

Kaz Rietvield knew the exact moment he fell in love with the girl. He was fifteen and desperate to make her smile.

Kaz knew exactly where he was going, and Y/N was the destination.

But Kaz Brekker never fell in love with Y/N Orlova. He didn't fall, he didn't run, he walked. His steps were calculated, not based on some random hunch, a fleeting feeling, but a conscious decision that he made.

She wasn't a last minute detour, or just another stop along the way.