tumbled downhill { aelius & rafe }
It was a relief like none other Aelius had ever experienced to unload all this, seven years of this to the boy who needed to hear it the most. The reprieve was nearly euphoric in its own context, but seeing Rafe’s expression, his guilt, his remorse up close was bittersweet. How many nights had he fantasized about this moment? The image of Rafe finally having to face the consequences of his pushing and pulling, like the moon finally knowing the crashing waves. But the real thing… it was nothing like Aelius dreamt it to be. It was painful and sad, and it was the worst because he couldn’t look away, even if he wanted to.
But he was self righteous. Aelius stared at Rafe with eyes burning with tears and fire, as if to egg him on and to encourage the other boy to challenge something he’d said, but when Rafe spoke it wasn’t nearly as spiteful as Aelius hoped. Fight me, he thought desperately, make it easier for me.
“I understand enough,” Aelius snapped, his anger surging forth again, and he felt more like a force of nature than a human in that moment. “I understand you, I know you - better than everyone else in this fucking castle, better than you know yourself. Everyone thinks you’re so goddamn fun and friendly and quirky - ‘oh, he likes to beat people up every now and then, how cute! He has a crush on all the teachers, that guy!’ But they’re so fucking blind to how you really are, aren’t they? How you secretly snicker and scoff at how much they think they can trust you, how much they think you actually care about them when you’d probably like nothing more than to see them run circles around you.” He rose from his bed, glowering at Rafe as he inched closer. “They think you give a shit. But we both know if it was between me and them, you’d let them burn alive.”
He heaved in a deep breath and bit his lip, raising his chin at Rafe’s words. “Does it hurt to know I’m with them, Raffy?” Aelius whispered. “Does it tear you apart? Does it makes you wonder why you even bother trying to let yourself pretend that I’m not?” He maintained eye contact for a moment longer before crossing his arms. “Then you won’t be seeing me at all.”
All the fight had left Rafe completely. Which was rare for the boy. From birth, he’d been fighting to get into his father’s good graces, to make the family proud. From his entrance into Hogwarts, he’d been fighting for his amusement and for his stance in the school. Rafe had always been a fighter. So to look at Aelius’s eyes carrying an anger that could burn him alive if they could, he could feel any part of him that would fight Aelius-- that would yell back at him that his words were false-- practically die inside of him. The fight was over with Rafe on the ground, defeated. Except this time, there would be no one to help patch him up, no one to kiss him and tell him that he’ll kick the guy’s ass next time.
And perhaps the worst part was that he still didn’t understand. Sure, Aelius understood him. Yes, Rafe had known that already. Aelius had known that already. Fuck, the entire school probably knew that already. But he didn’t understand this. He didn’t purely understand Rafe’s feelings for him. He knew that Rafe would choose him over anyone, yes. That was obvious to everyone. But he didn’t seem to understand that he loved him more than a best friend, for longer than he could know. He didn’t seem to understand that he hadn’t slept with him at an attempt not to hurt him. He didn’t understand that some nights he wished Cori had died a long time ago so he could be with Aelius instead. And it was fucked up because she was living and breathing and while she remained doing that, Aelius could never know.
So he listened to the boy he loved pour out the truth about who he was, about how he felt about people and how they felt about him in return. None of it was a lie and he wouldn’t argue against any of it. And then the boy’s taunting like a knife being shoved down Rafe’s throat as it burnt, his own eyes feeling watery. “If you know me as well as you claim you do, then you would know exactly how I feel to know about you with them. I don’t feel like I need to explain myself any further.” He didn’t push back his hair any longer, letting it settle in the slightest over his eyes. He didn’t want to see him. Didn’t want him to see how his words hit him harder than he had ever hit anyone.
And then the final blow. Then you won’t be seeing me at all. Rafe could feel his lower lip tugging down like an anchor, no matter how much he pulled it back up again. A life without Aelius-- the past seven years without Aelius by his side-- wouldn’t have been his life. And to think of the rest of his life without this boy in it seemed just as hopeless. He brought his hand up to his lips as if he were posing rather than trying to hide the utter horror that he felt at those words. His fingers brushing over his lips, trying to obstruct them from Aelius’s view, then stopped. “Fine,” he could hear himself snap. One word, four letters, could feel like a death sentence. He grabbed his jacket at the edge of his bed, pulling it over his shoulders as he got up from where he sat. “I’m going for a smoke. Don’t bother waiting up-- I probably won’t be coming back tonight.” He didn’t look back at Aelius, respecting the boy’s wishes as he slammed the door shut behind him.
