radium is a poetic element

and then it's like. did you think of me on my birthday? or on christmas? and do you remember that fight two years ago christmas eve (to day) where we were up until 2 in the morning being caught up in all the trivialities and this year on halloween i didn't even dress up?

am i a styrofoam cup filled to the brim with regrets? a batman mug near the end of my ceramic life? am i a liar? am i a naive adult who still is unsure of what love really is? am i lacking empathy? am i the reason you thought about it again? am i still a part of you? i guess i am all of these things.

but all i wanted was to be more. not stuck raising the baby we named mediocrity, not a provider, not a burden, not a loser, not a liar, not ashamed. and it's my own decisions that led me to a place where i am reminded of all of these qualities and actions of mine, and too the lacklustre quality of affection i provided.

and i hope that you never read this. and i hope that you read this at some point. and i hope that you realize that the way things are is not the way things were meant to be; but the way things were was not the way things were meant to be either. at least for me. i was no fan of becoming someone i was not. and in a sense i am happy i am now someone else entirely, with no responsibility for those types of things. i don't make a whole lot of sense.

but not everyone is as pathetic as each other and some fishes swim faster and some fishes fly. is the cost of isolation the rays on your skin, unblemished, unshaded, unbeknownst? sometimes what you do in secret glows the most.

"but i don't want to lay in a plate, and i don't want to swim. i want you to stay right here with me, and tend to my every whim."

—

"isn't it lovely?"

"hm?" adam didn't look up from his dinner. sometimes, a fork feels like a fountain pen.

"i love it," jack stated, "i love the way he builds it out of nothing. like a comet, illuminating the sky for one second and passing us by. that stroke of brilliance comes from something otherworldly."

adam grunted. he didn't have much to say about the matter. he barely touched it, upon it; thoughts of the robot transferred their metallic taste to his guts, much past his mouth, which sat closed now. jack continued.

"look at what he's done, my gosh. gorgeous. every day of my life, i could watch him sort through those numbers at 3 to the billionth metre per second to produce whatever i desire. ah, he's fantastic. do you see the drawing he made me? it's remarkable."

"what's remarkable?" adam held the fork a little tighter.

"oh, well the velocity of it. creation. the sheer volume, the vividness of the output. he'll go on forever as long as i keep feeding him. you don't see that sort of passion-"

"what would you know about passion, jack? you've barely touched the part of your brain that has any, and you've given the rest away to the fucking robot! humans can do that shit too, you know. building something out of nothing. that's what life is about. that's what love is about. i don't think you understand anything."

"get off that high horse, adam. i understand plenty. i also understand that you've barely touched your sketchbooks all year, progressively less as every comet pa

—

department is going deaf.

she and i have never met,

save one exchange.

i go gallivanting from concert to concert,

was stopped in the hallway by her looming frame.

enbalming a sense of "carpe diem"

in the space between us, so cliché.

i don't remember what she said,

maybe something 'bout how she was just like me.

maybe solemn advice with her antique trumpet

rested on her aging knees.

but now she is deaf,

and i would never listen anyway.

don't you know that passion is fleeting?

—

i am a tick in the basement,

a clock forever moving on and on,

caught in the wrong place

at the wrong time

and now all the fault is mine.

whoa, whoa, tall being, why

don't your morals align now,

cassiopeia in the rotten sky,

in rotten eyes. i stare up

and i see pathetic concentrat-

ion. care if you kill me now

would you? so curtly curr

and be done with it.

i wish i could blame you for ruining my life

but i can't.

i wish i could blame me for ruining my life

but i can't.

there is a reason i look so forlorn. my life was steady, running on a meter everyone and i could understand, and one day it switched and i know exactly which day and i will never say. unless you ask, in which case i am ready to complain into the night, soju dripping on duvets. but the issue is you never ask.

"so lame," i think to myself in the wrong key while you noodle on my guitar the last day we have to spend together. nothing original; it's all the same. i am clear about who i am, and there's a reason for the mystery i lack. your obsession is a familiar road; your hidden gaze and these intersections weren't met too long ago, not at all.

envy doesn't suit me but i keep buying shirts in that colour and i think it looks good on everyone else and i wish people wore it more often when they talked to me since i like my atmospheres cohesive. you look good with everyone else, and i know i know you best. i wish i could say i know and i know it very well.

it never helps that the weather these days is melancholic like your hometown. you choose your establishments wisely. as of late people are very against densification of cities. your roommates missed you because you were hanging in my garage all the time and whenever i step in your home it smells like smoke so i need to buy a new shirt. but i spent my money on a new duvet for i can't keep using yours. money matters, lunch outings are unimportant.

i think of your lips back when we were together and we would smile.

i have sworn off any physical affection but that has never stopped my brain from thinking of it often, like some movie; i fail to reign it all in. but do not be fooled, i don't think of it that often! when the deck is filled with laughter i could not care about my past life, it is just after, when you see the comets.

i'm not some lost case only found with you,

as much as it feels that way to me,

what you believe always matters more, it's true,

i've tried it all.

it's not my fault you ruined another

by choosing me.

that my presence was more enjoyable

is all it simply means

and betrayal is royally cold and harsh,

with an iron fist.

now i'm left to clean up your mess,

as all you know to do is leave.

didn't crack a smile when we won the contest,

not caring of what it meant to me.

cold ball of metal intricately

curled in on yourself, silently

blaming the triangle you could never be;

irrevocably, absolutely, gorgeous,

i have to do a double take every time

and i'm not allowed, there is no fruit that

compares, no, shining red, i want to bite

feel it in my hands and all once again

i'm not allowed,

and it's not as if i'm some dependent clause,

not at all, i really hate it came to that,

but i wish was held between a couple of commas,

the curling of your arms again

a thousand times and i'd still end up with you

end up on top of you, like a good movie

top of the list,

you're my favourite every time,

every hour spent is an hour well -

it never feels like an hour,

only one singular moment

in a lifetime together

as we're two cards in the same sleeve

you're not allowed teeth since no one can smile.

no students smile since there's nothing to smile

about. someone took your band and

sawed through. you saw yourself

out after that miserable show.

you let your disappointment climb empire state

like time and when you came down to the

filthy streets you heard a wail

and you thought: i've seen singing

i watch the polymer of mouths mold continually,

foully, before i get on the ground to mop up

the spill and my head hits continuously;

foil to my art, something shiny among the dullness

not worth something enough to be picked up.

these days i take out the trash;

i, alongside the plastic bins, responsibly

sit, before i get back up to break down

the light in the stars, staring at the

foil on the skies floor, something shiny among nothing,

too far away most days to be picked up.

there is nothing

existential

about me or

my being. i

just hardened in