You're not a savior, you're a vampire

The reason our imaginary friends went away is because we forgot to vaccinate them

If two virgins have sex, they take each other’s virginity, so technically they still have virginity, it’s just not theirs.

People aren’t always bragging. Sometimes they’re just hoping you’ll be proud of them.

Men receive too many DMs from horny strangers that aren’t real people, and women receive too many DMs from horny strangers that are unfortunately very real people.

If the gasoline tax was applied to the car manufacturer instead of the driver, we’d have the most fuel efficient cars ever

The Earth’s climate is probably only changing because we’ve stopped throwing virgins into volcanos. It’s probably worth picking human sacrifice back up just in case.

Antarctica probably has the highest average iq of any continent due to the scientist population there.

Humans are considerably more dangerous when they’re wearing shoes.