“Bruce was trying to teach Thor to knit and-”
“Stop. There are not words to describe all the ways that that sentence is wrong. No. I can't-” Tony pressed a hand to the muscle twitching beside his eye. “No.”
Steve ignored him. “Bruce was trying to teach Thor to knit, and they decided on a tea cozy he could give his mother-”
“Please stop. Please, Steve.”
“And it didn't go all that well, it was a little lopsided and not mom-present worthy, so Bruce was trying to cheer him up and find something else they could use his work for, and they settled on a hat because it was already the right shape, but it was too small for any of us, even though Thor tried it on.” He paused. “You should be glad we didn't publish THAT picture in the New York times.”
“So. Much. Pain,” Tony gritted out.
“So since Thor loves Calcifer the toaster like a pet, the hat got a pompom and was gifted upon the toaster.”
“How did this become my life?” Tony wondered aloud. “I have advanced the limits of science and technology. There's a course at MIT dedicated to my robotics work. People have written dissertations on me. I am a fucking superhero. I saved the world at least twice, six times if we're counting team efforts, and that one time when everyone else was napping on the job, I saved New York all by myself. I revolutionized flight capability, weapon systems, corporate business practices, and code structure of modern AI attempts. I am Tony Stark, and do you know what it will say on my tombstone, Steve? It will say, 'Here Lies Anthony Stark: One Time, He Made an Awesome Toaster!'”
“Don't be ridiculous, Tony,” Steve said, amused. “It will say, 'Here Lies Anthony Stark: One Time, He Made an Awesome Toaster and He Woke His Friends Up At Two AM To Whine About It!'”
“I hate you so very much.”
“Tony, we don't use words like hate in this house. Hurtful language damages team morale, don't you remember your sensitivity training?”
--Four (Or Five) Reasons for Kidnapping Tony Stark, by (AO3)scifigrl47, (Steve/Tony, Clint/Coulson)
