Because everyone deserves their fifteen minutes

The mother fucking pharmacy doesn't open till 9 am AND Starbucks is closed till March 28

Vic: HE HAD AN EYE PATCH?! Why didn’t you tell me that first?

Yeah an interesting juice sounds good. But not TOO interesting.

Don’t look at dogs while you’re driving

J- Wait why did you say you were gonna get boys pajamas

J- I smell burning V- what if this hotel is on fire and I have a robe on?! Wait! what do you have on?!

J- I always go debit V- you might as well be writing a check

“J- You’re very consumed right now.
V- Sorry…I just have to respond to a few things…Beyoncé posted a pic of her twins.
J- (silently judging)”

Just told my 6 week old I'd give her money if she'd stop crying... it didn't work.

You look pretty Michael Jackson

Hannah: I don't think you need to take an acting class, baby. Elijah: Thank you! I'm gonna fuck my way to the middle.

My hair grows on company time... I cut it on company time

I love this record baby, but I can't see straight anymore. Keep it cool, what's the name of this club? I can't remember but it's alright, alright.

A grown ass woman should never smell like cookies

If the Secret Service was doing its job they'd shoot off the bottom of Trumps tie.