The hand that reaches for the bottle of drain cleaner she had been sipping on is promptly caught and thrown away. Words of concern go in one ear and out the other. Mich was inebriated quite a bit, stumbling to keep herself up. Her glare shot daggers through the other, as if cursing them for even trying.
“DON’T you dare try to tell me what and what not to do. You have no right butting in like this.”
Surprisingly, her words weren’t as slurred as they could’ve been. She was quite articulate.
Once the hand reaches again, she steps back frantically, yanking the bottle away from their reach.
“SHUT UP. SHUT. UP. LET ME HAVE THIS. I’ve been fucking sober for MONTHS NOW, LET ME HAVE THIS!”
Tears begin to well up in her eyes, glaring at the person before her.
“You don’t know what it’s like, you wouldn’t FFFUCKING understand.”
The woman begins to weep silently, face contorting into utter grief and misery. She mourns who she once was in this moment, longing for times like those to be lived once again.
“And I’m grateful you don’t. But god I’m…”
“God I’m so fucking alone. I’m lonely EVERY GOD DAMN DAY of my life. No matter WHO surrounds me, WHO comes by and shares my time and space, I’m still alone! No one will EVER understand what I’ve been through and what I have to deal with and I’m so thankful they don’t! But at the same time I just… I-“
“For once, let me be selfish as to wish my fate upon someone else so that I may have a friend. Someone to fucking confide in who KNOWS the shit I’ve seen and done and FELT AND LIVED-“
“I WENT TO HELL. TWICE. The things I’ve seen… EVERY PAIN I FELT. I SURVIVED, BUT GOD SOMETIMES I WISH I DIDN’T. Sometimes I wish I was stuck there so I didn’t have to live on with the consequences of my god damn ACTIONS.”
She launches the plastic bottle across the way, letting it shatter and crack after it impacts the wall, leaving a crack within the wall as well. The fluid leaks onto the carpet, forcing Mich to scowl and grimace at her own actions.
“People like me don’t get the luxury of giving up.”
She slumps onto the couch, her head in her hands as she again wept silently to herself. Not paying mind to the person standing before her.
“The things I’ve been through, I will never find someone who will be able to empathize or help me. There’s no one out there who can do what I do. I start to wonder if I’m simply beyond mortality, if I’m divine in some way for my achievements but… No. No this is punishment. A life of loneliness, even when surrounded by people I love.”
Her voice breaks, cracks in sorrow for her life she’s led.
“Was I ever meant to be good? Or was I just a catalyst for good to exist…”
“Am I the reason good people exist? Is it because I’m not?”
“I wouldn’t wish my life on my worst enemy but I just… I feel so fucking selfish for hoping I find someone who’s done what I’ve done just so I can look at their face like a mirror and finally face myself for once. It’s selfish, it’s malicious, it’s…”
Her shoulders shake as she sobs into her hands, shaky breaths inhale and exhale as she tries to calm herself.
“It’s just who I am, isn’t it…”
“I’m tainted by mistakes and sins I’ve since coined.”
“I’m not a good person, for fucks sake stOP CALLING ME THAT. I’m NOT. I CAN’T BE. Not anymore. I’ve taken lives that deserved to be lived fully, I’ve ruined families, I hurt the people I loved because I was scared and I ruined myself in the process. There’s no good deed that’ll ever forgive what I’ve done, because the hands that forced these actions were my own. I’ve done things I can’t begin to repent for.”
“I’ve become an abomination.”
“I was never meant for greatness. I was meant to be a lesson for everyone else. God and after EVERYTHING, I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve lost myself along the way like a fucking smear of roadkill on the highway. I have no hobbies, I have no interests, no wants, no ambitions, NOTHING. I’ve lost everything, and all that’s left to lose now is the rest of who I am.”
“I’m not going to do it sober.”