Bryan

Still feel lost but I've met so many good people. I think I'll start journaling cause I dont talk very much and sometimes my thoughts go in loops.

Just when I think I've nev r felt mor lost, I do.

The only thing I still actively look forward to and push myself with is skateboarding. No matter how guilty the world makes me feel I never feel guilty on a skateboard. To this day. 10+ years later. I still love skateboarding. only thing that makes sense right now.

I don't know where the motivation is. I used to want to make music but now it's harder than ever to focus, music is on back burner, it's just not that important. It's a privilege. Other peoples voices need to be heard. Other people deserve so much love and support and a platform. it sucks to live in a world without justice. My heart is boiling and heavy and I don't know where this will go if these systems in place aren't dismantled. If ther is no abolishment. It makes me tired and weak, it makes me almsot want to stop but I'm trying to keep going. I just can't always find the reason.

It's like I've given up but I won't just give it up

Been unemployed for 3 months now. Been broke AF AF for the last month. Life is.

I'm just sharing thoughts that I don't want to bother anyone with.

I'm getting tired of living in a city where I'm supporting things I am completely against by participating in it's systems and buying it's products. It's hard to feel like I'm doing enough.

Sometimes I have nothing to complain about I just feel a lil sad and heavy inside

Haven't been eating very well since I've had no money for almost two weeks. Stole groceries the other day so me and my friend could eat a decent dinner. Worth it of course. Wish we got some more pandemic money or something to help throughout these months. I had to quit my job almsot two months ago now because of how undervalued I was and how toxic the relationship between management/tenants/maintenance was. I was done with it shortly after I left my coworker (also maintenance tech.) ended up quitting cause of our literal Karen of a boss like a week after I did. Ahhhh, I fractured my rib the day right after I quit and that reminded me how much life doesn't care about what plans you make they can and almsot always will change. I wanted to skate for a whole month instead I had to heal. It's not been the best time. It certainly hasn't been the worst. It's just been different. Life's always been different that whatever I may think or plan for. I know this, and yet I still get surprised.

What happened to me that I have no confidence. I'm so unsure. I don't know. Are people normally like this, why do I feel like I can't relate to anyone. I want to

I literally defeat myself. I stop myself. I am the stupid as problem. I'm so hesitant at times and unmotivated and it gets old and before I know it the day is over. Maybe I'm doing enough but somehwere in my brain I feel like I need to be doing more or just constantly productive I hate it and it's so hard to shake sometimes. I don't want to worry about money but I do, I don't want to waste my time but I have. I just have to start stopping. And start doing. Also why do I be talking like I have all the answers I don't even know if what I think is right. I don't know why I should believe in myself.

Sometimes I fe loke I've forgiven myself and then I'm fine for a while and then I'm not for a few days? And then I forgive myself for not forgiving myself and I try to live but then Im not sure how to live and I have to learn to forgive myself again because I'm not doing the best job but I would like to try harder and soemdays it works and maybe this is just normal life. Maybe I'll always remember what I've done and I just have to make it lead to a person that will be happy with all the terrible things that have ever happened to/with me because it will have been worth it. It'll be worth it someday. I just find it hard to justify how hard I try and if I should even be trying.