awake & thinking

“I could not tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you, or if it was the second or third or fourth. But I remember the first moment I looked at you walking toward me and realized that somehow the rest of the world seemed to vanish when I was with you.”

Closing your eyes isn’t going to change anything. Nothing’s going to disappear just because you can’t see what’s going on.

You deserve to be loved consistently, not conditionally; with someone’s whole heart, not just the remaining pieces of it.

It’s strange how your childhood sort of feels like forever. Then suddenly you’re sixteen and the world becomes an hourglass and you’re watching the sand pile up at the wrong end. And you’re thinking of how when you were just a kid, your heartbeat was like a kick drum at a rock show, and now it’s just a time bomb ticking out. And it’s sad. And you want to forget about dying. But mostly you just want to forget about saying goodbye.

Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worst kind of suffering.

To hell with them. Nothing hurts if you don’t let it.

voicemail one 11:47am// Hey dude, it’s me. Are you on your way? If not, can you stop by McDonald’s and grab me a burger? I’ve been craving one all morning and I really don’t feel like getting out of my pjs. See you soon! voicemail two 1:15pm// Where the hell are you? You were supposed to be here at 12 and it’s after one now! Get your ass over here dude! Call me back! voicemail three 4:21pm// Tell me this is a joke! I swear to god this better be a joke! Your mom just called me… You have to be okay, please be okay… I’m on my way! voicemail four 11:55pm// Its been a week since you left. I didn’t get there in time to say goodbye.. I hate myself… I haven’t been able to leave my room since.. My mom, she’s worried about me. And… I don’t know how to tell her that I’m not okay… that I can’t be okay without you here.. Please just come back… It doesn’t even really feel like your gone. I keep waiting.. waiting for you to walk through the door. But your not… and you never will again….. I miss you… voicemail five 3:10am// Soooo… I’m drunk annnnd I cut my hair. Don’t really know why, but I did. I think you’d like it. You always used to say that I’d look good with short hair… Fuck my moms gonna freak. Her angel of a kid, drunk… I just can’t deal with this anymore… I don’t know how I didn’t notice, I should have noticed.. Why didn’t you talk to me? I could have helped, I could have done something… Was it my fault?.. Di-did I do something?… Why would you ever do this to yourself?! There are so many better ways to deal with things! Why just why! - I can’t do this… I can’t… I don’t know what- *beep* voicemail six 1:42am// Why the hell did you do this?! Did you not think of me you asshole! What this would do to me! Did you really think I’d be okay? Well surprise I’m not okay!… What about your parents? What this would do to them?… I just need to know why… I can’t, I can’t breathe.. Just please come back. I’ll do anything, I’ll never leave your side… Just please come back… voicemail seven 12:03am// I finally know how you felt.. The overwhelming sadness… Your funeral was today.. When they lowered you into the ground I broke down.. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, I couldn’t see… My brother had to carry me out of there… All I want to do is sleep… It doesn’t hurt then… I just can’t take it… If you felt like this before…. I am so sorry… I honestly don’t want to do this… I miss you… I need you here.. voicemail eight 8:17pm// I actually got out of my bed today. I got a cup of coffee and sat outside. It was so nice to feel the wind against my skin. It reminds me of you, the wind. It’s so free, I hope that’s how you feel now. I hope that you aren’t in pain anymore. I don’t even know why I keep calling. It’s been over a month now… I know you’re not gonna answer… I hope you know.. that you’ll never be forgotten. I’ll always remember you. voicemail nine 6:12pm// My mom’s making me see a counsellor. I know what you’re thinking. I’m turning into the people we used to make fun of. It turns out that not all people who go to shrinks are crazy. I actually think that it’s going to be good for me. You have to work to get better and I know that’s what you’d want for me. voicemail ten 10:17am// So I’ve realized that I’m gonna be okay. Maybe not now but eventually. I want to feel better, not feel this sadness anymore. I’ll always miss you and I’ll always think of you, but i will get through this. I hope you know- *beep* voicemail eleven 10:20am// *This number you have reached is not in service. This number you have reached is not in service* voicemail twelve 10:21// This number you have reached-