stop//breathe

“To him, I was just a five minute smoke break. To me, he was an addiction.”

“All you ever you did was taking her for granted. You saw how much you meant for her, you saw how many things she let go of just to make you happy. You saw that she was happy as long as you were happy. Yeah, she wasn’t perfect, and was kind of jealous because she couldn’t handle losing you. Just thinking that one day she might lose you scared her to hell so she got a little more protective over you. You meant a lot for her. You know that, but you’ll never admit to anyone that she was different than others. You might have had a lot of girlfriends in your bed, but not so many in your heart. And you know it. She was special for you, she fought for you harder than she ever did for anyone. But at the end you caused her a lot of pain, so she accepted losing you, she was defeated because she couldn’t look anymore at the person that you’ve become. Her heart just couldn’t handle it anymore.”

“You left her there. She gave you everything, and you took your hint of guilt and left behind a goodbye and a broken girl. And maybe it didn’t hit you at first. Sure, you slept while she stayed up. Your pillows didn’t stain with tears. Your showers didn’t end in sobs. Your stomach didn’t cave in every morning, your heart didn’t ache every breathe. But maybe you run into her months down the line. Maybe you hear of her new love, the news spilling across the floor like a new stain on the carpet she used to tread on. Maybe you meet her in a coffee shop, and she stopped cutting her hair, and it trails down her back like the past she left you behind in. And the heart ache isn’t hers anymore. Her smile reaches her eyes now and her laugh lights up the room. You forgot, didn’t you? You forgot the way she held you the night you couldn’t fall asleep. You forgot the way she covers her mouth when she laughs, the way she cups her hands over mugs to keep her fingers warm, the way her hands were always a little bit cold. You forgot the way it felt to know that despite all the flaws that ran through your veins there was someone there to kiss your forehead and brew you tea. Oh, but you’ll remember. And maybe if you’re lucky, you won’t be holding something fragile when you hear the news. Maybe if you’re lucky your heart will only ache for a fraction as long as hers did. Maybe if you’re lucky, she’ll pick up when you call. But even if she still has all the tenderness for you in the world, her voice is not the same. She doesn’t love you anymore. You lost her. You lost her. And you can’t ever get her back.”

“They tell you to just get over it, that he was an asshole, that you can do better. They think you want him back. You don’t want him back. In fact, if he came back and begged for you, you’d tell him to fuck off. What you want back is your life. You want back the happiness you had before he sucked it out of you. You want back the texts you sent, desperate to get him to care. You want to get back your pride because you still just about die from embarrassment thinking about how pathetic you seemed. Confessing your love at the same time he was in love with someone else. You clung to the hope that one day he’d love you too. No, you don’t want him back. You want to erase him from every part of your life. Maybe then you’d stop flinching at the mention of his name.”

“It’s Wednesday & I don’t need you like I used to. It rained today but it wasn’t sad, I actually thought it was kind of beautiful, the rain hit me & I felt like I belonged to myself again. I could feel your fingerprints leaving my skin- You were never mine; but Lord knows I was yours. I gave myself to you in every way that I knew how to. Never again. I know you’ll be back, but by then I’ll be too strong to let you in- I don’t want to scream your name anymore at 3 a.m; But I know there will still be nights that I write about you with shaky hands & aching bones & there will be so much pain I’ll feel it in my teeth- But lately I’ve been breathing easier so I know those nights will be few & far between; So for now, I’m going to allow myself to be happy…. without you. It’s nothing personal but I can’t pour anymore of myself into you, I’m tired of feeling empty. I gave you butterflies & you gave them to another girl, I’m not mad, I just don’t want them back. She can keep the stars & the moon & every ounce of love I poured into you. I don’t want it back.”

“Sometimes, all you can do is lie in bed, and hope to fall asleep before you fall apart.”

“A long time ago I learned not to explain things to people. It misleads them into thinking they’re entitled to know everything I do.”

“A snake was hit by a car. A woman picks him up, feeds him, and gets him to a full state of health. But then he bites her, injecting her with his deadly poison. On her death bed, she asked “after all I did why me?” The snake responds “you knew I was a snake when you picked me up.””