Iāve been sitting with the fact that I feel like nobody truly knows or understands me better than I know myself, and I donāt mean that in a bitter, you-should-know-damn-well-who-I-am way, but more of a realization of how consciously choosing to be more reserved about parts of my life have changed.
I used to let the whole world know who I was and what I was about, and I was loud about itāwhich was healing in a way after growing up being silenced and shamed for who I was at home by my first bully (my mom lol). But itās also kind of embarrassing because why was I parading my business around like that š
Now that my Saturn return is coming to an end and just with getting older, Iāve felt less inclined to share everything with anyone, but almost to the point where I feel like my closest friends donāt know me anymore, and still speak in the present of the ghosts of me: the past versions of me that I no longer identify with.
Iām still unsure how I feel about that. On one hand, I probably should be the one who knows me best, and I donāt need everyone to know anything about me, so thatās good. I have developed a strong sense of self without needing the outside validation. On the other hand, it feels good to feel seen at times. But by who, exactly? And why? And what parts of me feel unseen that Iād like acknowledged?
And Iām still trying to figure out whether me feeling unseen feels isolating or not, and if my core need is connection. And then I wonder if Iāve really made the effort to see other people for who they are now or if I still hold on to past versions of them too.
As Iāve been going through what feels like a private, spiritual solo journey, Iāve also felt like Iāve outgrown a number of friendships. Again, not in a holier-than-thou way, but in an objective way. I no longer hold some of the same values as I once did when I connected with xyz friend, so I am less inclined to be around them, and maybe itās mutual, no one is at fault, and thatās life sometimes. But it still feels sad at times because I donāt like losing friends, but over time Iāve learned itās necessary to move on when the connections arenāt healthy anymore.
Also just in a period of life where everyone around me seems to be making big, conventional, life decisions. And of course itās made me think about whether I want those things (getting married, buying a house, having children) myself, but my preliminary conclusion is that I am too much of an aquarius to really desire any of those things, and I donāt desire any of those things as it is. Iām also not 100% opposed to it if I decide I eventually want those things for myself LOL. But I just know Iām not interested in the industry of marriage or being house poor. I am not one to be pressured by or intimidated by what people around me have. I am genuinely happy for whatever makes others happy. Iām also not immune to knowing I might be judged for being the odd one out. But a true friend who was secure with themselves wouldnāt judge me for that. Typical aquarius plight lol, itās canon, I guess.