ang

Scary to think about how fast things can change, and how I feel I’ve lived 100 lives in the same year, and how I can wake up one day and realize that some things, people, and situations aren’t for me anymore and choose to move on. Meanwhile there are some things that remain the same, which I am grateful for.

Change isn’t bad, just uncomfortable, and I am determined to be with myself through it!

I deactivated my main IG/TT a few days ago. For years I’ve been fed the fear and warnings that deactivating would be a bad idea as an artist, but I’ve come to realize that I am not attached to anything outside of myself/my immediate environment. Plus, I don’t care to be known in a world where everyone wants to be famous. I am an artist, always have been, and that isn’t dictated by my social media presence… I feel fucking free taking myself out of the online rat race!!!

I’ve been sitting with the fact that I feel like nobody truly knows or understands me better than I know myself, and I don’t mean that in a bitter, you-should-know-damn-well-who-I-am way, but more of a realization of how consciously choosing to be more reserved about parts of my life have changed.

I used to let the whole world know who I was and what I was about, and I was loud about it—which was healing in a way after growing up being silenced and shamed for who I was at home by my first bully (my mom lol). But it’s also kind of embarrassing because why was I parading my business around like that 😭

Now that my Saturn return is coming to an end and just with getting older, I’ve felt less inclined to share everything with anyone, but almost to the point where I feel like my closest friends don’t know me anymore, and still speak in the present of the ghosts of me: the past versions of me that I no longer identify with.

I’m still unsure how I feel about that. On one hand, I probably should be the one who knows me best, and I don’t need everyone to know anything about me, so that’s good. I have developed a strong sense of self without needing the outside validation. On the other hand, it feels good to feel seen at times. But by who, exactly? And why? And what parts of me feel unseen that I’d like acknowledged?

And I’m still trying to figure out whether me feeling unseen feels isolating or not, and if my core need is connection. And then I wonder if I’ve really made the effort to see other people for who they are now or if I still hold on to past versions of them too.

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As I’ve been going through what feels like a private, spiritual solo journey, I’ve also felt like I’ve outgrown a number of friendships. Again, not in a holier-than-thou way, but in an objective way. I no longer hold some of the same values as I once did when I connected with xyz friend, so I am less inclined to be around them, and maybe it’s mutual, no one is at fault, and that’s life sometimes. But it still feels sad at times because I don’t like losing friends, but over time I’ve learned it’s necessary to move on when the connections aren’t healthy anymore.

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time for my quarterly update!!!! all I can say is that my Saturn return is for sure getting it’s last punches in with me. I have a little break now it’s in Aries. But it’s all for the greater good. I am trying not to think too much about certain things because I have other things to prioritize thinking about.

collection of favorite things I thrifted / bought second hand last year. def a fun year for finding stuff! been in a mode of being even more picky and buying less and just wearing and using everything I already have til it wears out. I think im old enough/have spent enough time going thru the process of understanding what I truly like for the long term to know what to buy/not buy.

but if there’s a thrift store around, im gonna check it out regardless lol

(real) eames side chair was $11

Gucci bag was $50 and Prada was $40 (both authenticated)

and bottega shades were $30

ohhh things are so out of order but it’s fine!!! i’ve mostly been in a routine of working (like..a lot), running my d*pop shop, doing side gigs, thrifting, rotating between pilates and boxing and making/eating really good food!!! Really cannot complain, I feel v grateful to live life like this

I still can’t believe I girl bossed so close to the sun that I purely worked/DJed for 8 months straight around a year ago…and barely hung out with anyone. Cool to know I can do it I guess but my mental health was NOT good and I (and my Saturn return in 6th house lol) do not prefer that lifestyle.

I’ve def been trying to compensate by seeing people a bit more, although there’s a part of me that just doesn’t feel the same after it all. It’s just growing pains though! It’s life!!

As for photos, (also out of order) went to some bdays during Libra season, went to a Friendsgiving, hosted one, went to ANOTHER Friendsgiving and had the best prime steak of my life.. I made cheese!! From scratch!! And went to a couple museums for amy’s bday weekend. I had to go to sj to bring my mom to and from the hospital which was not #fun but had to just brave through the storm.

I uhhhh forgot my login for the longest time LOL so im gonna do a quick recap between December 2023 to July 2024

December ‘23/January ‘24

Went to the Philippines after 10 years of not seeing my family and learned a LOT. It was so nice to connect with my cousins as an adult. They’re all so sweet yet aren’t the type to take shit from anyone. And I see my family and who’s toxic a lot more clearly. And it’s mostly my mom LMAO.

January 2024

Shortly after, I went to hawai’i where my childhood bestie and my high school bestie got engaged!

February 2024-March 2024

Definitely a blur. DJed and worked a ton, sometimes 7 days a week. I’ve never been in this type of flow before. I think kyle and I sold clothes irl for the first time and it went pretty decently~ it was also very fun to curate. And nice to get rid of things heh.

April 2024

DJed out in San Diego for the first time with a big group of familiar and new friends!

Got flown out back to Hawai’i to DJ a wedding and a gig in Waikiki. We got our hotel room comped as well and it was such a nice experience after working the most I ever had probably in my life lol. Extremely grateful! Also quit a toxic side job, and although I am grateful for the experience, leaving earlier was probably one of the best things I’ve done for my own sake.

May 2024 - July 2024

Started learning to mix vinyl records and started DJing at a vinyl bar, slowed down on work a LOT. Getting into a daily home routine and refocusing on my health that was declining because I was overworking myself. Taking time and space to rediscover art forms that make me feel free and alive, and DJing the club just hasn’t felt very fulfilling for me recently, and a lot more draining than it is fun, although I know I do a pretty damn good job at times. But that’s how I know it’s time for a break and to focus on my healthy for now. (And forever but I do need a bit more atm)

Ok I got too sleepy to finish updating. But damn, this year was a whirlwind. My Saturn return really came for me this year lmao but I feel the astrological frontal lobe development very hard 😳. I’ll try another time, bye

ive been rly happy where kyle and I moved to. the neighbors are really sweet and just do a lot of house work, im near nature, there’s fresh vegetables around, our landlord is sooo chill.

even though my last place was technically really nice, there’s something that feels so cold and unnatural about livin in a multi-unit building where it seems like a lot of the tenants have nothing but complaints and a very forced sense of “community”. I passed by the other day to get groceries and this guy was hysterically angry that I was pulling out of a parking spot slowly because he just wanted to turn into the garage. even tho he was there second. and that’s just an example of the energy I was around while there.

I loved the apartment itself and my roommates were so chill to live with, but I’d hear the family downstairs screaming a lot and would hear people fight outside. someone even passed on the street I lived on. Everywhere else outside our apartment felt cold and standoffish.

Our new place feels warm and nostalgic. Kyle pointed out how we both grew up in neighborhoods that had a general sense of community and looking out for each other so that’s prob a big reason why. It feels like a childhood home except we get to recreate it for ourselves. I’ll enjoy every moment I get to spend here in this new chapter of life :)

I haven’t posted in here since last year!!! mostly because I was getting annoyed at all the boy followers on here. life hasn’t slowed down since the new year. I DJed my first and probably only NYE event, had a busy month of DJing January and February + several small birthday festivities, my mom got me sick with Not Covid but also not fun, and then recently had to find a new place since the roomies bought a house.