Adventures of the Pudding Queen

and suddenly you're reminded of how incredibly pointless everything is

how it makes you ask yourself again for the first time in a while

what is it like to live for yourself and not merely for others

what is it like to actually /want/ to go through each day

iM NOT DOING THIS BECAUSE IT'S COOL TO BE A REBEL to fuck the system ok

im doing it because this is actually how I've always wanted to present myself 

and no u cant simply call it as crossdressing, it's different from what you do because you actually like your gender and think it's fun and games to dress as the opposite gender every once in a while

Seriously, my only consolation for everything was that I at least earned money doing this. Even if it was little. Even if it's less than half of what my friends make. Even if converted to dollars, it amounts to 10 dollars a day. A DAY. People there earn that in an hour. 

I saved up money for things that I like for things that tell me that life isn't so bad. 

Money was all I had and now I have to deprive myself of my wants in order to get back what I've lost. I need it for that trip, we've booked a flight already and what I'll be able to save for the next few months if I don't deprive myself will barely be enough for it. 

I was so excited to buy so many things and that's over now and I can't help but feel miserable because that was all I had. I work six days a week, enjoy all that I can in my free time. I buy things for shallow happiness. 

I've done nothing but sacrifice, put others before myself and yet this kind of shit happens that robs me of all I have left. I'd like to think I'm not deserving of this. I'd like to hope so. It's just so unfair. IT'S SO UNFAIR. I WORK SO HARD. I SACRIFICE SO MUCH BUT WHY IS IT ME THAT HAS TO HAVE THIS HAPPEN. 

hmm I doodled the face even before the meeting began. My dad was there. I talked to my dad in the morning before heading out to work. When I talked to my dad, I cried much more than I talked. I kept sobbing, I honestly couldn't talk properly. After talking, I still knew that I still had to do my responsibilities and obligations to the company. 

My two older cousins and my older brother plus me and also my dad plus my boss (this is poor sentence construction, i apologize) met in the afternoon. 

And I thought we would get straight to the point. I thought she was going to rediscuss what I was told last night but in more detail. But the first thing she asked was "Why are you working here? What is your reason?" 

She asked for answers from my cousins first and that was when I began writing down the words. "No" "nO" "nonono" I didn't want to answer her. I didn't want to reveal everything to the people in the room, I wasn't ready, wasn't prepared. It's safe to assume dad told her about my earlier breaking down. Dad exited the room, said he probably shouldn't be in the room if people wanted to be honest and not hold anything back.

I was trembling a bit as she asked each of us, getting to me last as if on purpose. I stared at my notebook and she asked me. I looked up at her for a bit and looked down once again. Tears began falling, tears I had again been holding back with hands curled tightly into fists, fingers digging into the skin of my palms (why is this unintentionally turning into prose)

Anyway, I was already crying even before I began speaking. I didn't tell my dad about how I freaked out last night. How I had wanted to leave. I didn't tell my dad about how long I have been so sad, how long I have been enduring, how the mask is finally cracking after years of wearing it. Finally, the walls were down, everyone in the room was seeing me break. Emotions I've tried to keep to myself, fake smile I've worn for years suddenly gone and what remain were tears of anguish. (seriously forgive me, but these are the words my mind keeps coming up with)

I told them, that I have been having a hard time for almost a decade now. How everything I've done in my life since I was fifteen, since I was deciding what to major in-- everything had been for them, never for me. My cousins and my brother have families to feed, they have children that they must work for, my boss pointed out. She then said that I didn't have that, I had no children to save money for education and for food as if to merely reiterate that I was not doing it for myself.

She asked me what I wanted to do. I told her I don't know. When you've lived your whole life believing one thing-- and that thing is that you have to be the one to do this, there is no one else-- it is difficult to find yourself again. I was fifteen when I decided that it was my burden to bear-- when I stepped up even without someone asking me to do so, because I know they expected me to do it, I knew they were only waiting for me, that I needed no coaxing. 

My boss asked me again why I was in the company, why I was doing all this. Because I'm afraid of letting anyone down, I'm afraid to disappoint anyone, even just a bit. I feel obliged to pay the debt of being taken care of, I feel guilty for the good life that they've provided me. I told them I felt ashamed of being sad. I felt so ashamed and afraid, which was why I didn't speak up, which was why I simply tried to be strong. 

She asked me if I was happy. I told her that every single day is a struggle. How I frequently wish that the evening wouldn't end because I didn't want tomorrow to come anymore. How I frequently thought that life was so meaningless and empty. How I have lost all motivation-- how I force myself to go to work each day, six days a week; how I force myself to draw every evening because I'm begging myself not to lose that too. I told them how I sometimes wished to just disappear and not have to make these decisions because I have never felt more stuck than now. 

I don't really remember much of the meeting afterwards. 

The next I remember was I was about to leave the room when the meeting was over when she called me over again to speak to me alone. I had already calmed down at that point, but she managed to bring more tears to my eyes again.

She told me she didn't want me to be miserable. That no parent would want their child to be miserable for life. That whatever decision I might come to, that I will always have my parents' love. She wasn't any one of my parents but hearing those words from her were definitely the last thing I expected. She was the last person I thought would express sympathy and understanding and yet she was the one who gave the most in real life. I began crying again, losing the ability to talk as she told me that I should think of what I should do. She told me I could take the next days of the week off to try to think and find myself. To talk to friends and just have the time to come to a calm and reasonable decision. 

She told me I could come to her for advice and we could meet outside of the office if I needed her help. 

I nodded as I wiped my tears, a lump still in my throat, causing me to stay silent. She offered me a hug, a hug that I gladly accepted and I just held on because it was honestly what I needed. 

I still honestly don't know which way to go now. I want to come up with the best compromise because I don't know if I can bear with the guilt of leaving this company. 

I don't know what to do. 

I don't want to hurt anyone

but I am so tired of getting hurt too. 

I just wish there is an option where all will be happy.

I wish I can come up with a decision that will hurt no one. A decision that will make them and myself happy. 

I just don't know what that is right now. 

I don't know why I feel bad about asking them for anything. I don't know why I feel bad and guilty. I don't understand. It's okay for me to ask for something since they're asking so much of me and yet I can't ask them for anything that would help me be happy. 

Sometimes I think I'm out to destroy myself. I don't know why I'm too ashamed to want to be happy. I wish I could say why I feel this way. 

honestly, i don't really know what i would do, what i would say, if i would even speak up-- in my head it's still all too soon for me to make any decisions but the time is here now 

my friends didn't even hug me while i was crying in public (at starbucks) as i told them why this whole ordeal is so hard for me 

i just want someone to hug me and tell me it's gonna be okay even if i don't think it will be 

did you know that my dad dismissed me when i tried to tell him one of my problems recently? i was testing the waters and he told me "stop complaining, you're very lucky"

there's no more time and im back at square one. completely no confidence and utterly lost on what to do

i really want some time to myself but that isn't coming until the end of january (that's me being optimistic)

and then work is just gonna get busier and then the whole i really dont wanna do any of this anymore thing

i swear if we had saturdays off, everything would be so much easier and less stressful

i only have sunday off and sometimes people take that from me too

saturday afternoon and evening are usually for friends i have to meet up with 

i really just need to recharge but everything for this month's weekends has been scheduled and sigh can't really opt out of this weekend since it's a sleepover at my house and next weekend is an exchange gift 

sigh