NOSTALGIA

this is a place you can always come to, my messages are open to anyone in need of a friend or a simple talk. so in case you're feeling lonely, reach out, i'm here.

who will i be

I'M GOING TO KODALINE'S CONCERT TODAY FLWNFONWGOWKRK CAN'T COPE.

have you guys ever mourn the person you could have become if things would have been different? like i keep wondering: who would i be if i had chosen something else? who would i be if i had been brave enough to speak up when i should have? who would i be if i had told people the way i felt? where would i be? would i still be this person?

my process of finding out i'm an HSP has been pretty conflictive. part of me starts to understand me better while most of me hates my guts and feels that this kind of weight is gonna be unbearable.

i tend to wonder: what would people do if i die? would they miss me? would they mourn? or not even if i die, just in general. do people notice me? do they really miss me? do they think of me when listening to some song?

i don't think i want to die. sometimes it looks like it, but when i take some time to think about it i realize it's not death i crave but the possibility to put everything on hold. work. studies. life. everything. i so desperately need to put everything on hold until it gets better, until i feel ready to be at least half a person again. problem is i might never be ready.

taylor's last album is incredibly brave in so many ways and it brings back emotions i thought were long gone. one of the things i admire about her is how fearlessly she expresses her own vulnerability, regardless of what the world tells her. midnights revolves around self loathing and the many things that could have been but never were. i've been taken to this place of reflection and introspection, in which i've been wondering for the past few days what could have been but never were if i had made other choices; if i were someone else, someone different, better even. who would i have become? where would i be? would i still be around? i keep on wondering if those i lost still think about me from time to time. if they still remember me the same way i remember them. if they wonder what could have been but never were too.

i HATE the way people generalize and assume things, saying shit like "this is so easy" or "you can't think that way". just because you or any other think it's easy doesn't mean that it's actually easy for me. stop assuming. stop generalizing what's true for you. you're seriously hurting so many people's feelings in the process.

my therapist keeps telling me to write, she says it might be helpful when my emotions are all over the place; cathartic, maybe. although i don't know how to put it into words most of the time, which infuriates me. besides i feel like i'm just talking to myself and i'm done doing that, i'm tired of myself already, i don't need any more inner conversations. but i still want to give it a try, and as a last resource i remembered i still have this old account. it wouldn't hurt a bit to try, right? if someone's reading this, hi, i'm a mess but i'm trying to get me better, sorry for all the nonsense. it'll just be me making no sense all the way.

am i the only one wondering what is left to do when you feel like you're done trying?