AWOL forever

I blocked him everywhere, had second thoughts, unblocked him everywhere and blocked him again.

I have always struggled with a lot of things actually, but particularly with not having anything to do in life.

There's no passion or motivation to actually do anything. I have been basically doing the same thing everyday. If you ask me what I will be doing tomorrow, it will probably be the same thing I did yesterday. No difference, absolutely none. It will be the exact copy of yesterday.

How do I get out of this cycle?

How do I find motivation or passion in life?

I don't even like anything, everything bores me.

I've people who love me for who I am. I've people that I can call up just because I was bored. I have people around me. I do. I really do.

Things have been hard in the last month. My sister moved abroad and I am handling everything at home. Life has been hard already but life has been double hard now that she is gone.

So, I had gone out with my friends for a party yesterday and I came home pretty late (later than my curfew, which was 7pm) and as usual my dad was pissed. My mother started ignoring my calls even before I could make it back home and my dad made me wait outside the door for 10-15 mins before he would let me in, I came home at 10:45pm btw.

There's a window right next to the door through which I can see little bit of the hall area from outside and I could see Goldie (my cat) waiting at the steps waiting for me to come outside as she had already heard me knocking. And after a while of waiting, se started meowing because I believe it was hard for her to understand why nobody was opening the door so that I could come inside me.

According to Goldie, someone rings the doorbell and in 5 mins, the door is opened but this time the door wouldn't get opened despite the 5 minute mark and she was extremely confused as to what was happening. Poor Goldie!

After a while, my mom finally convinced my dad to open the door for me. She told him that i might want to pee or something like that for him to get convinced lol. As soon as I entered the house, (i got screwed lil bit obviously) Goldie rushed behind me to see, she's not usually treated me like this before. She's like oh, you've come , great, idc that much anyway. But this time, she cared, she accompanied me to my room because I had started crying by then and then spent a couple of minutes with me and went near my dad who had decided to go to his room by then. Idk what happened but Goldie started meowing at him, trying to bite his leg, wouldn't let him walk past her. Eventually, he shushed her away and walked away.

I would like to think of this as my cat standing up for me in ways I could not understand. I think she was trying to be there for me. She's not been a cling cat but I can see her noticing whenever I get upset and trying to be there for me in ways she knows how. The last time she sat next time when I was having a meltdown.

I was so exhausted when I came home but I had to give her a treat before I could sleep. I wanted to later hold her and squeeze the death out of her but she wouldn't come to me because she likes her personal space a lil too much so I had to lure her in with a treat lol.

I was like, "everybody's feelings comes from the heart only, wdym?"

Immediately without a pause, he pointed at my stomach and went, "but you tho feel from your stomach, no?"

So, I went, "oh yeah, those feelings are just anxiety" :)

Only then I realised the number of times I've showed him stomach and went

This is where I feel it with I'm anxious

This is where I feel it when I'm happy

This is where I feel it when there's butterflies in my stomach

But today I had come in for another session, and there were a couple of more people to go. I knew I had wait for a little while and I was okay with it. He came to me and let me know that it'll take time and that I'll have to wait.

But y'all, while going back to attend to his other clients, he asked me if I had any other 'meetings' to attend to. That's what I had told him the first time I told him I had therapy later. He kept that in mind and he asked me if I had therapy today as well.

So fucking considerate. I'm not the one crying. You are!

I forget things, I fuck up and sometimes I don't follow through. Maybe that is what running on auto pilot can do to you. 'Just make time for it, it's not that hard', 'Why are you not doing it? It's so easy?', 'Why are you not paying attention to me?', 'How can you forget? I just told you about it.'

Why, God, why? I'm not equipped for this? I prefer to sit at home and imagine fake scenarios in my head, eat and sleep. A super low maintenance. Will I ever go back to those times ever in my life again?

When I decided I wanted to do something, I didn't consider th possibility that I might have to put in effort and shit.

I just assumed I would be great at it without putting in any efforts whatsoever.

* goes and cries in one corner *