Problem Sleuth: Choose Your Own Adventure

You are one of the top Problem Sleuths in the city. Solicitations for your service are numerous in quantity. Compensation, adequate. It is a balmy summer evening. You are feeling particularly hard boiled tonight.

You’re not sure if it’s the humidity, the stress of the workload, or the pure hard-boiledness of your character, but something is nagging at the back of your mind. You seem to have misplaced your name, you should give yourself something to call yourself.

First, Enter Name. Second, what will you do?

(Submit commands in the comments or using the the “Submit A Command” page of this blog, and I’ll pick my favorite command(s) to use for the next one. When is that next one? I haven’t come up with a good schedule yet, so Sometime Soon™.)

The crowd calls out their votes, and you decide you aren't going to swap DOORs.

You reach for the HANDLE, and the DOOR swings open.

The CROWD goes wild! You just won ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS in cash!

The ASSISTANT opens the middle DOOR and leads the BILLY GOAT offstage.

You step through the DOOR, and head backstage as Tom Jones closes out the show.

The DOORs close behind you, and you are now BACKSTAGE. What do you do?

Hours in the past, but not many....

You are now the GAMESHOW CONTESTANT, and you have just been given the most difficult decision of your life.

You have been asked to exit the stage via one of three doors. Behind one of the doors, you are told by singer/songwriter TOM JONES, is a hundred thousand dollars in cash. Behind another door is nothing. Behind a third is a billy goat.

If you choose the door that contains nothing, the game ends and you go home. If you choose one of the other doors, the door containing nothing is opened and you are allowed to either switch your choice or stay with your decision. You then move through that door and claim your prize.

A voice in the back of your mind tells you to go through the largest door.

You approach the largest door. Tom Jones asks you if you're sure about your decision, and you hesitantly say yes. Very well, says Tom Jones, as his assistant enters the stage.

She opens the smallest door, revealing it to contain nothing. The crowd gives a smattering of applause as Tom Jones congratulates you on your choice of door.

You're allowed to swap, he tells you, if you so wish.

(Rather than using a command for the next panel, I will be using a Poll.)

Not only does it clear your sinuses, but a long drag on the fumes of the open PAINT CAN give you a mighty boost to your IMG (+2) and IMB (+4), while your VIM (-1) and DEX (-2) take a slight hit.

Man, that CONTRACTOR really screwed up leaving such a good time unattended in your OFFICE. Yet another victory over that jerk.

Your name is now YET ANOTHER AXEL DAVIS 2. Because that is an incredibly shitty name it will henceforth be shortened to YAAD2, or perhaps YA or AD if you're feeling really short, or even perhaps "2". Yeah, something really strikes you as a "Player 2" kinda guy.

As previously mentioned you are waiting on a CONTRACTOR to return with his equipment. That's probably going to be another hour or so, though, as his office is on a whole different floor. He must be up to the elbows in weird puzzle shit on his way up there, not to mention hauling it all back down.

You should figure something out to busy yourself with in the meanwhile.

What shall you do?

You stop being Santiago Jack, and become the shorter one. If by the shorter one, of course, you mean the belligerent neighbor GG almost shot.

You've been in the process of remodeling your BACK ROOM, a small area behind that big SAFE of yours that you like to hide in when things get a little too hot to handle. The CONTRACTOR you tried to charge you an exorbitant price. While your extremely profitable detective job could easily pay what he originally asked, you managed to shout his prices down to a reasonable number.

After he left in a huff, you were surprised when your NEIGHBOR decided it was a smart idea to discharge a FIREARM, DIRECTLY INTO YOUR OFFICE. God, that Gumshoe guy really gets on your nerves.

Before you get up to anything else, you should go ahead and give yourself a name.

Enter Name.

In a bout of quick thinking, you pull off your JACKET and throw it over the TAB. The fine cloth diligently soaks up the sticky soda like a sponge. It also seems to have soaked up some HOLES from all the BROKEN GLASS on the floor. You're gonna need a new jacket.

After a bit of patting it to make sure it's soaked up all it can, you scoot it over to check the damages to the floor.

It seems that most of the soda that didn't make it into the jacket soaked into the PLYWOOD of your former DESK, discoloring the wood slightly. What wasn't caught by the wood has made an ever-so-slightly unsightly stain on your CARPET.

You equip the HAIRPIN to your WEAPON SLOT. This surely won't cause any iss-

Shit.

You become the other guy, and what a great idea! Those elves must be getting rather parched, sitting there all day, blinking.

Here you are, some refreshment for you to enjoy.

You hope that they enjoy their refreshment. You'd estimate you have roughly 60% of your TAB remaining.

Luckily, you're quite the good shot when you're sober, especially hopped up on CAFFEINE as you are.

It seems you have attracted your NEIGHBOR's attention, and he doesn't seem happy.

He begins shouting something at you, asking you what you think you're doing firing a GUN into his OFFICE! He had a SUBCONTRACTOR here, you could've KILLED the man! If he were-

You stop listening.

You are now Gerald Gumshoe.

That fool in the other room seems to be doing something, but whatever it is it isn't helping. Either he decided to plunge you into darkness, or he accidentally tripped a breaker futzing around with stuff.

Whatever, you already decided you didn't like the guy.

You spin the code you remember seeing painted on the wall into the safe, and... success!

Underneath is a PAINTING OF A BIRD.

Hold on, you can see light streaming from the BIRD's eye! A peephole, perhaps?

You see through into your neighbor's OFFICE.

He appears to be having a SHOUTING MATCH with some sort of SUBCONTRACTOR. Something about a simple job costing way too much, you think. You only heard half of the argument. The pair exchange short, blunt sentences that purely convey their points on the matter and nothing else. You'd wager that there's not a single point of PULCHRITUDE in that room.

Eventually, the contractor leaves in a huff after agreeing to what you assume is a very low price, slamming the door hard behind him and rattling the building. Your neighbor goes back about his business.

You decide there's no time like the present to quit screwing around, so you expend a point of INVESTIGATION to locate a LIGHT SWITCH on the OTHER WALL.

Hm. That didn't seem to do anything. Perhaps the power is out? In your room only, that is. The power seems to be doing perfectly fine out in the hallway outside your room, as well as in your neighbor's office.

At least, you thought there was power in your neighbor's office....

You check the PAINTING behind the DESK.

You think this is some amazing AR- wait did one of them blink? Yeah! You definitely saw one blink. Paintings don't do that...?

Ah yes, a hobby you took up a year or so ago when the PROHIBITION movement started. You’ve been brewing your own MOONSHINE in order to give yourself a future boost to your stats when cases get too hot to handle. You suppose that now is a good time as any to cash out on this year-long project.

Now, you recall that in the three bottles, you were brewing: GRAIN ALCOHOL, KINDLING-STYLE HOT SAUCE, and TAB COLA. You don’t recall which bottle held which.

You currently do not have any DRINKING IMPLEMENTS, however you believe the little SPOUT on the furthest right bottle could easily be drunk from by hand.

You lie down and waterfall a bit of the...

Oh, nice. You swallow your mouthful of TAB COLA. Your PULCHRITUDE enjoys a healthy, 2-point BOOST.

Using your impressive IMAGINATION, you make a note of this bottle’s contents. You hazard to guess that you’ve consumed approximately 20% of the TAB COLA.

You decide to name yourself Santiago Jack.

As you previously stated, the power has been off for hours in your office for HOURS, and it’s getting quite balmy this summer evening due the lack of AIR CONDITIONING.

Luckily, your NEIGHBOR has given up on shouting OBSCENITIES at you, so the new air hole is unclogged and the cool, air-conditioned air of your empowered neighbor has begun to flow into your OFFICE, which is quite a relief.

You pick up the HAIRPIN.

Oops.

Turns out your absolutely abysmal VIM is FAR too low for you to hoist this thing. Not only that, but it also destroyed your DESK! Turns out your DESK was naught but a bunch of PLYWOOD precariously stacked to provide the veneer of a DESK. In good news, though, you found your long-lost TEA SET!

You are now the other guy. You were recently shaken out of your stupor by the sound of a FIST breaking through your DRYWALL. After trying to enlist the help of your fellow detective in a daring escape, he began hurling obscenities at you.

Your room has been without power for the past few hours. As such, the AC has been off during this quite balmy summer evening. You’re actually a little glad there’s a ventilation hole in the wall now, letting cool air pour in (when it’s not clogged by your loud neighbor’s gourd).

The sudden fright of this encounter has left you a frazzled mess. You believe you’ve been locked in your office. Why? Your fried brain can’t seem to recall. You bet you couldn’t even remember your own name at the moment! Before you get started, you should fix your nameless predicament.

First: Enter Name. Second: What will you do?