Real Villian

It’s because of me that they all have to suffer.

I am the better person.

That and I doubled scheduled something and I hate myself for it lol. Fuck anxiety

I should be happy. I should be proud. Very proud. But what is this distraught. Failure? I’ve been a failure all my life. I’ve always tried hard. I never got things easily. I always thought I had some kind of disability, like something hidden. But I never really tested it or tried it out as I came out successful eventually. I feel so alone on it all. How do I know it’s a good one? What if it fucks me over? Is it the work I am scared of? Can I not just speak to people? I need to start from somewhere. This is my ticket. Ticket for first step. I’m doing something. I should be proud of myself. I am proud of myself. I mean top 10 out of a hundred. It should be fricking great. Might not be on top of the top like everyone else. But maybe is perfect for me. It’s God’s plan. It’s God’s test on me. And God gave it to me. I don’t have to stay forever. Just to build it. Every experience is unique. I have faith in you my future self. I love you always.

The once chance I have and I’m not even happy? Looking on every social media and every resource I have. Why can’t I be happy? Why is this industry so hard to please? It’s an entry level but you need so and so. So and so? Then how is it an entry level? I have no one to guide me on what’s right and what’s wrong. I don’t even know what I am getting myself into. I feel like everyone had it so great and better. Is this how I’m going to end? Is this my ending of a chapter?

Everything I do. For them all. This is what I get. I warned her before but did she listen? No.

Where’s the point at this rate?

I did it. I submitted my final paper for the year. From tomorrow forward I’m just an unemployed individual but yet I am partially proud of myself. Let’s hope I get those grades now.

Problems. Problem problems. A great thing we get for free but our own selves vary to handle. I’ve becoming weaker with my emotion. Handle yourself bitch.

Is it bad that I...want that comfort and ease. I’m constantly in a battle, never time to rest or heal. It’s why I have more of the worst of me for everyone to hate. Fuck you all come and hate on me then.

I broke the trust we had. I told him I wasn’t going to let go but I did over an outsider situation. But he didn’t give me his full that I gave him. It can’t be one sided. But I miss his voice. His humour. His virtual presence. He told me his deepest darkest thoughts and experience. What does that make me look? He promise me he would call. I thought he wanted to speak to me. But I don’t know where his head is at. I want to speak to him. But even he is not stable. But now he doesn’t want anything to do with me. Nothing. I came out of the whole situation being alone.

Once I knew his true colours I told myself two can play at this game. But we keep getting more attached and it keeps getting harder for me to let go. Fuck.

How stupid is it that the past thirteen or fourteen years of my life I’ve always been stealing back my own stuff from my sister. She has some toxic ass trait where she steals someone’s stuff she undeniably says it hers. You would have bought something that doesn’t even come from here and she would say it’s hers and from the local stinking ass corner shop down the road. Ofcourse me doing my usual thing, I find a couple of my items which I steal back. I guess I’m not the finest burglar because I didn’t really cover my tracks well as some places weren’t fitted where it’s suppose to be. And just now as I’m sleeping, this bitch has the audacity to go through my stuff. Ofcourse I hear something like a mother fucking big rat rustling in the room until I saw her big figure, I open my eyes slowly and she runs out of my room. I didn’t deep it at first until I went downstairs and confronted her which Ofcourse she seemed so defensive about. Ugh you just about to give everyone the world and this is what they do to you. Fuck being good. It’s a fuxking sign of weakness. If I had the audacity and ability to, I would have thrown my fists already at this bitch.

Is it that much of a fucking big deal if I am the one who is responsible for this mess of a misery and that if they leave for hours I now do not have the right to be worried sick or wonder where they have gone out? Bullshit excuses running out there mouth. All to blame it all on me. I am stronger than this. But they are too many of them against me. Someone murder me already.

I hate that I’m not smart or intelligent. Why am I so fuxking dumb and stupid. Why can I not be smart. Why am I so fucking dumb?! I hate myself. I hate me.

I am a great human being. I’m a great individual. I’m successful. I have potential. I can do it. I can do anything as much as I put my full effort in.

It took me one fucking hour to lose my cool. Great. I’m a wreck again.