tumblr is my diary

Be my friend.

My name is Madeline. I’m 27. I have a cat. I’m Catholic. I work retail.

I had a pretty good day today.

I haven’t shower in at least 7 days.

I hate my job so much. I’m afraid to lose it though. But the more I think about it, what do I have to lose? What is the worst that could happen?

Yea, I have health insurance, a 401k, and two weeks vacation. But it’s retail. I barely make $20,000 a year. I dread this place. They don’t value me. I am just another body. They do not care. I do not feel appreciated.

I go to bed every night and wake up every morning hating that place and my life. I think it contributes to me wanting to die. I think about cutting my wrists with my box cutter from work.

I have sciatic nerve pain, lower back pain, and inflammation in my wrist because of here.

I’m constantly tired. I have low energy and motivation.

And for what? I’m poor and unhappy. My mom pays my rent and my phone bill. And I still can’t afford anything.

I have over $2,000 of debt, collectively.

I haven’t worked on my schooling in a month.

I don’t know why I am so depressed. I had five days off of work. Spent most of the time with friends. Went to a baseball game. Today I hung out with my little cousin who flew in from Seattle for the week. I was pretty wise with money all week. I went on a 4 mile walk. Why am I still sad?

Maybe it’s because I have to go back to work tomorrow.

Also, when I broke up with my boyfriend, the first month was great. I felt freedom.  Then, I became lonely. I missed having someone to talk to.

I am still experiencing that loneliness.

I don’t have many friends and the ones I do have are: a) hella introverted and aren’t ones for hanging out much b) want to smoke or drink every time we hang out

I don’t really have friends that I can go on a walk with or watch movies with or just talk with on the phone. I know I can always call my mom but the conversation tends to run dry because I’ve known her for 27 years LOL.

I’m sad and I feel like throwing up.

I’m also bored and lonely.

It’s been a while, a lot has changed.

I won’t get in to all that, let’s focus on the topics at hand.

I am currently drinking WINE and making a FROZEN PIZZA? I literally have no idea who I am anymore. 4 months ago I would never have pictured myself doing either of these things.

Anyway,  I fucking hate my life. It has definitely been worse. But I feel very alone even though I have friends. I mean, I kinda have friends. I do have friends. 

I feel like I have no one to talk to. I feel suicidal at times, but I don’t really have “a plan” I just want to die. I get the urge to cut my wrists, and write goodbye letters. But I never do. It’s just that I want to, it’s fucked up. I don’t think normal happy people get these feelings. 

It’s a long/short story that I don’t want to type out but on 7/7/18, I smoked pot for the first time in 7 years. (6 years 10 months to be exact)

It was medical oil. It was fucking amazing. I took three hits, should probably have only taken one. I was very uncomfortable during the peak of the high, but the during and after were incredible. It was the best nights sleep I had in years.

Previous to this, in June, I drank alcohol for the first time since May 2011. 

2018 is the year I broke my sobriety. It’s okay, I’m not straight edge or anything. It was more of a personal thing. 

Back to me bitching. I am so fucking fat. I am 5′3 and weight 249lbs. This is literally the biggest I have ever been in my life. I hate it so much.

I think one of the reasons I am so miserable and want to give up and just become an obese burger flipping stoner is because I feel like I try and I’m not getting anyway. Maybe I’m not trying hard enough.

I fucking hate my job so much. Our management team sucks. I can deal with shitty coworkers but when you have managers that don’t communicate and don’t appreciate you, it makes working unbearable. Especially considering I only make $20,000 a year. That’s fucking nothing. 

I broke up with my boyfriend on Memorial Day. I’m happy that I’m single but I miss our friendship. He was my best friend and now I don’t have him. I miss having that person I could talk to anything about. 

Drinking while sad was a terrible idea, I’m balling my eyes out right now.

My car needs $600+ worth of work done to it. The car itself is only worth $2,000.

I feel a little better now that I’m crying.

Another downward spiral in my life is my relationship with God. I feel like I’m not putting Him first. I’m just going to church out of routine. Only praying when I want something. It’s bad. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.

The happiest I’ve been this year was when I went to the White Sox game and when I smoked weed.

I miss smoking pot sometimes. Sometimes a lot.

I have been sober from drugs/marijuana/alcohol for 6+ years.

Why do I still miss pot? I smoked daily for about 4 years. I smoked when I could for about 2 years.

I don’t think it would be good for me if I started again. But I wish I had something healthy to replace the feeling. Especially the social aspect.

Today I was looking at my brother’s Facebook and I saw pictures with rooms from my parents house in the background and I got really upset.

It’s not fair that I can’t go back there.

Why does he get to live there forever?

Not only that, but he ruined the place.

He’s disgusting.

He’s one of the main reasons I developed OCD.

I have my boyfriend, 2 girl friends, one guy friend, and one girl cousin. These are the only people I hang out with, and one of my friends I only see maybe a few times a year even though we live in the same town.

I am generally a likable person.

However, I am pretty introverted and like my alone time. So, when people outside of my inner gang ask me to hang out, I shoot them down almost always. I make up an excuse.

But now, I want to find something to do for New Year’s Eve and no ones here to help a sister out. I don’t want to go to bars and drink and get crazy til 4am. I just want to like, hang out, play board games or something. I don’t want to be alone tomorrow night even though I usually don’t mind being alone.

I don’t know. I work tomorrow too so that’s another thing. I don’t think I’m reaching out to enough people.

Cousin is out of town, bf is too far, one friend has plans, other friend not responding, and my other friend I didn’t bother texting.

I miss X-Kit.

I feel like Christmas isn’t really in three days.

In 2012/2013 I lost roughly 90lbs. I was approx 220 and got down to 132.  I did this with calorie counting, daily exercise, and eliminating red meat, soda pop, fried food, fast food, candy, and dairy. From 2014-2017 I have gained back almost all of it. I am 211lbs.

It is very difficult for me to get into the mindset of weight loss again.

My mind is so bizarre. I did drugs from ages 15-20 and literally quit overnight. I stopped alcohol hard drugs in May 2011 and then in Sept 2011 I stopped smoking pot. And I had no withdrawals. It was easy to quit because pot was making me sick. The worst part about quitting pot was losing friends but in isolation I really found myself.

About 5 months ago I stopped smoking cigarettes. I had smoked for 12 years, I had quit twice before, each time only lasting for 2 months. But this time, it was so easy. I think I had only 3 bad cigarette cravings. It was like one day I just stopped. 

How did my brain do that? I believe these were miracles from God. Why can’t I stop food? I eat, and eat, and eat some more. I eat emotionally, I eat from boredom, I eat. Not giving in to food craving is impossible. I can say no to drugs but not food. How?