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@probationaryfae
“I stand before my fellow shadowhunters to receive the rune of the angel.”

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“You’re fucking killing me.”
“And yet you’re still here, I knew there was a reason we were friends.”
“People in hell want water.” It was a saying that her father always said, used to make her blood boil because it was usually a response to Evelyn wanting something or voicing that she could use something. As the years passed by, however, she started to understand the deeper message behind the words that easily managed to get her all fired up. How did she end up being in this position again? Hearing everything about Ezri and Kevin and having to sit down and bite her tongue back. Years had managed to pass by and yet she felt like she hadn’t even moved an inch. Especially given her situation, her hand retracting from his touch as she stood up and walked away creating some safe distance from the both of them. “You know when vampires lose their humanity people go into this disbelief that the only emotion that can bring them back is love – the self-sacrificing love for someone else and forget that anger is another emotion that is tied to loving someone. – and Jesus, if it wasn’t you’re basically letting Ezri live rent-free in your head so just forgive her and be her friend or love her but stop being so damn angry because you’re just fooling yourself and no one else.” Even when people had pissed her off Evelyn always managed to get her yelling session in and then moved on, letting things go. But perhaps that was another fault that the fae had in her, that she was always trying to understand why someone did something and give little to no credit to how it made her feel. “We hooked up a couple of minutes – almost became parents and then we just been in and out of each other’s bed. I don’t think we can move forward when you’re still dealing with baggage from your past. I’m not going anywhere but I am not going to join you if it means just being angry and staying at the same spot. From the little, I know when it comes to you and Ezri you both had matches to fault for how things ended. Forgive her – forgive yourself – because family doesn’t get tossed aside like that.”
“Family doesn’t get tossed aside?” Kevin repeated, “so me growing up in an orphanage, that was what? Not getting tossed aside? Or just not being worth having a name? A family?” Ezri and Carter had both been kept by the woman who ran their orphanage but people had wanted them. No-one had wanted him. Not with the medical issues he’d had. “family always does that until they need something. That’s how it works. That’s why I speak to my parents now, that’s why Carter came back, why Ezri stayed. I never wanted to be my parents son but the second I needed their connections, I became that. Family is always about need. That’s the only way it works.” He knew it was a vile thing to think but given his life, there wasn’t much flexibility on the subject. Especially not after he had lost the family that he had built. “I’m not a vampire! I’m a person, I’m a person whose family had no problem with my feelings or me collecting baggage when they needed me to.” He was angry but that in itself was a sharp diversion from him not caring about his feelings at all. “I know this is my fault, okay? I made my choices. I loved the people I did enough to protect them even from that. I was fine with all that self sacrificing, I wasn’t angry--I wasn’t anything. Okay?” He didn’t know why he wanted her to understand, why he was desperate to make it clear that his anger wasn’t just who he was, “I was supposed to die in the hospital when I was born. I was that sick. I came that close. I only got named because I had to have one so I could be baptized before I died. Anything that came after that, I wasn’t supposed to have and no-one ever let me forget it.” Least of all himself. How people had treated him, how they looked at him--how Ezri had acted around him, all of that was fine so long as he didn’t have any self worth. “I believed them. I let that happen. How am I not supposed to be angry about that?” he questioned. Kevin had done terrible things, but there had always been something in his core that let him push on. That gave him something close to hope. “I am always going to have baggage. This is never going to go away,” he said pointing at his chest, where his worst sins were etched into his skin. “it’s a part of who I am,” he continued, “it was all for them, all for the people I loved--” he didn’t want to continue but the words wouldn’t stop, “I helped Ezri become what she is today,” he said, dropping down hard onto the couch, “I protected her and now she’s this--this selfish, blind person who can come up with every reason why something isn’t her fault but can’t see who she’s hurt.” And there it was, the awful truth. He and Ezri were kids and somehow they were a mash up of children and the closest thing that either of them ever had to a parent, a position none of them should have been in. He forced himself to look over at Evelyn who was putting as much distance between them as she could. Not that he blamed her for it. “I didn’t think I was going to need to move on,” he admitted, “not from this. I don’t know how to. Even though I want to.”
Lauliver Appreciation Week Day #5: A Sad Moment - 2x14 & 3x15

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Oh, I thought that we would be the greatest story that I’d tell.
“Insane?” The situation that they were in was a difficult one but insane? That was just another level, a whole other level that Evelyn was nowhere near being at. Closing the door behind them she walked over to the sofa and carefully shut her laptop before taking a seat on the sofa and looking up at the male who was clearly being driven by his anxiety. Moments like these she would offer her lips to provide some kind of efforts but after being denied twice within the past month Evelyn found herself just twiddling her fingers and just looking at the male, for the first time not truly knowing what to say or what to do. “It’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault. I just think that we have to take it a day by day – and hopefully, we can all figure things out.”
“Yeah,” he confirmed. “I don’t want to take it day by day, I want it to be over,” he said. Patience had never been his strong suit and all the conversations with Ezri, they just hurt. “it is my fault, she--” he shook his head, “I did everything and it feels like I enabled her to become this person.” Maybe that was what felt like his greatest sin. He’d been kindling, he’d fed this fire--how could he be surprised that she’d burned everything to the ground and couldn’t see her own hand in it. “I don’t need to hope about that.” he said with a shake of his head, “I know I’m mad at her and hurt and whatever,” he continued, “her being back has just made everything feel heightened. It’s bad,” he touched the back of her hand, “and the only person I want to admit that to is you.” He hated thinking about Ezri around Evelyn, it had never been such an issue. But he never really hated thinking about Evelyn around, well, anyone. “I really wish we didn’t have all of this big stuff happen right after we hooked up, you know?” They had sex and everything had spiraled in ways he couldn’t have fathomed. It had left Evelyn broken in ways he hadn’t ever thought he’d see and he felt like he was still reeling. “I’m not saying I would have been fun, but, I was going to try.” He had made his choice when they had hooked up, maybe he just hadn’t fully comprehended it back then. “instead we had all this stuff happen and--” he sighed, “I wish it hadn’t. I know I sound like an idiot--” he looked at her, “what I'm trying to say is I wish we hadn’t been tested when we were just starting out like this, but I’m really glad you’re here.” He felt oddly nervous about what he was trying to spit out, “I know I look like I prefer doing things alone--but it turns out I don’t. And I don’t think I would know that without you.”
“You mean like how I didn’t get it when you didn’t show up all those years I thought you were dead?” Her tongue didn’t hesitate to make the cut, and her eyes just focused on Kevin, truly believing that if she kept looking at him that then she would actually be able to understand him – understand them. Hell, she was jealous of how at every stage of their relationship Kevin could walk around with this confidence about them, of claiming from the highest hills and mountain tops that he knew and it wasn’t until she was in Africa that she realized that it was all false. All lies, Kevin – the one person that was supposed to know her for her didn’t know her. “Since we were little you treated me like Katherine. As if I am some sort of spoiled princess because I wanted to know who my family was. That I couldn’t handle the truth or life well guess what, Kevin? Fuck you.” She drawled the last two words, never looking down or away from him. “You died – I went to your fucking funeral. I cried at your fineral. I dealt with the lies you and Axel both gave me. I survived the biggest heartache that you and Axel gave me – Carter left and I survived that. I went into the fucking service with a whole new life and did just fine – I lived the double life that was pushed onto me and never once did I ask for your help and guess what? I didn’t need it. Let’s not even talk about the night at Roth’s industries.” The attempted rape was not something she had ever mentioned to Kevin – no that had just been between her and Teddy. The only other male that she had ever felt close enough and at that moment perhaps the only male that had actually known her for her. Not cause she was some pretty face or she was stuck growing up with him. “You then decided to fucking show up with no explanation. Telling me stories about how you kept eyes on me and saw me go through all that – oh and shhh – don’t tell me the agency didn’t let you escape or show me some hint that you were alive cause you could’ve. You were in love with me all those years and didn’t have the balls to tell me. At least I have been honest when I have said I didn’t know how to handle this. And yes I pushed for us when I wasn’t on solid ground but you gave up everything – you lost yourself in me – in me! when I was broken and barely able to stand – I couldn’t have you do that. You have no idea what kind of pressure that was. – so this was never a game for me. You were never a game for me – you were everything to me. The home that I desparetledy wanted to come to but felt like I didn’t deserve it. That kept on adapting to my flaws and lacked the foundation – I walked out because we would’ve both gone in flames if I hadn’t. I sacrificed my heart for us to survive instead of burning to ashes together. But yes – it was all a game – a fantasy – I am the selfish, self-interest bitch.” She tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear as she turned away from him and wanting to push him aside and get out of the closet room, but she couldn’t. The fact that he had a girlfriend didn’t hurt as much as it probably should’ve. “You mean like when you showed up and I had Teddy – that position? When he was waiting for me and you came out of nowhere? Ah yeah, you forgot, didn’t you? But of course, you’re going to say it’s different, right? I don’t owe you shit. Go back to your girlfriend. I am staying in town – if you are over this – over me – if you feel nothing then I wish you nothing but the happiness in the world. Don’t make this be something it isn’t. Stop making me the enermy – because if I am one then you’re not far behind. Stop acting so damn innocent.”
In all the things she said, the one he could agree with was that she didn’t owe him shit. She never had. But now it was like looking at the person he had ruined his life several times over for and seeing her like it was the first time. He had created this, he had done this. Enabled it, catalyzed it and now a stranger was hurling things at him. The worst of it was that every word she was saying just proved his point. She wasn’t here for him. She never had been. And the moment he didn’t fit into her fantasy world, he was tossed aside. He had come to terms with what they had done in their past, but listening to her version of events around their relationship made him feel sick. He should have just let her go. Get the last word in and leave. “You’re right, you don’t owe me shit,” he said, his voice even and measured, steadier than he wished it was, “I don’t need to make you anything--you do a fine job of that yourself.” He didn’t want to have this conversation, and at the same time he did. He wanted the door to be slammed. He wanted the ache, the longing, he wanted it to go away. There was lead in his mouth, where his tongue ought to be. A sinking realization. He didn’t want to respond and more than that, he was afraid to. To arm her, to continue this. He was a kid again, crying over broken crayons. Rebellion surged through him. “I did go up in flames,” he said, “I watched you abandon me for your family, I watched you make that choice. You didn’t think about us when you did that.” He shook his head, “I don’t feel nothing, I feel fire. When I look at you, that’s what I feel.” The home she was talking about had burned, well before that if he was being honest. “I wish you were the enemy, I would know what to do with you then.” He didn’t know what to do with this person in front of him. Someone he had thought he would love for the rest of his life, who could see none of that in the face of her righteousness. They, he, it had all been inadequate. A substitute for what she really wanted. He didn’t know why he had thought any different. “Do whatever you want,” he said, “stay, go, it’s got nothing to do with me.” It never had, but he’d been too stupid to see it. He wasn’t able to say he told her so. Anymore than he was able to say the first thing that came to his head when she mentioned his girlfriend. With more control than he thought he’d be able to summon, he opened the door, “we’re done here. Your exit’s that way.”
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Ezri was thankful for having the small victories that she had managed to get. For example, she had found her family and had a stable relationship with her brother. Steady enough that she was actually texting him every chance that she could. Ezri no longer bottled everything up and was fine taking hits and saying what she felt when she did but she had always managed to learn when to just concede. Her entire life she had thought that she had to always fight. That if she wanted to survive her fists had to always be up and she had nothing to offer to the world. It had been caused by that line of logic that she had been a waitress for so long. Why she always chooses to take three or two classes per semesters instead of finishing things within the reasonable time – because Ezri always doubted herself. That had been another constant in her life till she left Red Creek and actually managed to believe in herself, enough to actually do a career change and finish it. “Ok – well I’ll let you be then.” The werewolf was not going to push her presence onto Kevin, she wasn’t. She had said what she had wanted to say and she wasn’t going to go anywhere. If that bothered him then he would have to get over it and she would have to live with the feeling of not being able to talk to someone that had once been her other half. It was strange to talk to someone that at some point had known her better than anyone else. Picking up her pen from her hair bun she placed it onto her clipboard, “Have a nice day.”
“Did you really not get why I didn’t show up in Africa?” The words tore out of his mouth before he could stop them. Ezri was the only person Kevin had ever been truly sure he loved. The one person he wanted to protect. It was supposed to be an instinct. Kevin’s body had betrayed him before, there were instincts he had to relearn. But never one like this. Some cowardly part of him was yelling to get away from the edge, to go back to the home he had treasured for so much of his life. The thing that he was sure would always be there. He felt himself teetering on the cliff edge again. “Was the fantasy really more important than anything else?” Whatever fantasy she held, he had enabled it. He had played into it. He would still be playing into it, probably. If something in him hadn’t woken up and seen the twisted, toxic thing they were for what it was. “I stopped playing this game, I should have listened to you the first time you left and I’m sorry that I didn’t.” He was, because now instead of finding out that they weren’t a good couple but good friends, all that surrounded them was pain. Maybe that was what hurt, more than anything else. “All we did was hurt each other for years. Whatever part of me loves you--I won’t be a part of that again.” Even with the disgust he felt looking at her, the pain of betrayal he felt, he knew she deserved better. He had always known that. The difference was that now he knew he deserved better as well. “none of that changes the fact that I can’t even look at you right now. You want a fantasy so badly you don’t see the truth, even when it’s right in front of you. That hasn’t changed.” Nothing would ever change the fact that he had led a double life for seven years without her knowing. That being normal, having her job and her friends and Axel had all mattered more. Or her running away or her lying. Or what had happened during those miserable, painful eight months. “my girlfriend was inside when you were giving your speech. After you ran away I had to go inside and explain. Have you ever tried to explain us to someone?” he questioned, “now I can’t be around her without wondering if you’re going to show up again. You put me in this position--” he cut himself off. He was off the cliff edge, he was falling but being outright cruel was something he couldn’t do. Not after knowing how that felt. “You should have told me you were coming. After two years, if you wanted to be friends, you should have called me.”

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“Dating should really be defined here cause I haven’t dated anyone. This town is worse than a bunch of preteens. And married dude? Are you saying Lucas is into me? Even if all that was truly better than being a pathetic puppy following barbie girl and wanting a girl who will never commit to you.”
“Not for lack of trying though, right? Maybe they just wise up too soon to date you. Preteens, though, that’s rich coming from the only guy acting like he’s in middle school around here.”
“You fucking reak of self-pity, you know that right?”
“Aren’t you the guy whose dating two girls and a married dude?”
“ – but I – “ how did one approach being in a love triangle? How did she not make him think that she was crazy for wondering if he was just coming back from seeing Ezri? Or if old feelings were creeping up? How did she express her jealously without becoming an insane delusional person? Fuck was that even fair to the female population? Was it fair that whenever they demonstrated an insecurity they were labelled as being dramatic and crazy? Or was that just males dominating the narrative for so long that now even females in the twenty-first century still followed that logic? “ – Come in,” she replied, knowing that she wasn’t going to be able to push him out of her place. “So how was your day?” There – keeping it simple and not invading too much. She was threading the tight line to the best way that she could.
The moment she invited him in, his posture relaxed. He knew it was unfair to push his issues onto her, that she’d been nothing but explicit about what she wanted and how she saw them. But he felt like he could breathe again when she invited him in. “Better now,” he said handing over the food. Fully prepared for one of her usual responses to statements like that, “it sucked,” he said, “it feels like I’m going insane out there.” He sighed, not liking dwelling on everything that was spiraling out of control. Though he knew that he couldn’t use the guarded way Evelyn was looking at him as an excuse for not explaining. “this whole situation sucks. Look, if I didn’t apologize for it last time--I’m really sorry about all of this.”

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“Yeah – no. I am taking a pass on that. Just tell me you got the weed.”
“No. For the last time, I told you, I don’t do that anymore.”
It hadn’t been easy to change her career track but with the support of her family and friends, she managed to get through to it. Somewhat – it was not like she could say that she was finished, the werewolf was still in medical school. Nursing had just been a pitstop in the way and it was paying off. The hands-on experience that she was getting was priceless. And as bad as it sounded Red Creek was the perfect place to come to – there was always something happening which meant there is a lot of practice to be done. It was why she willingly took everyone’s shift whenever she could. The hospital was big enough for the town or at least that was what she had thought until she heard Kevin’s voice. Sighing she closed her clipboard and tucked her pen behind her ear, “I work here.” Kevin hadn’t said anything value to the conversation that she had tried to have with her earlier this week. He hadn’t said that he didn’t love her but he hadn’t said that he did. There was nothing there for her to actually work with, which left her doing what she was doing right at that moment – just going on with her life. “Do you need me to get someone from you? Or?” She asked trying to fill the room with something else than just awkward silence.
Ezri going from a waitress to a nurse in record time wasn’t exactly surprising. Kevin had always been the practical one, she had always been the brilliant one. If she had done anything else, anything at all, he would have been able to commend her. But looking at her made all the words in his mouth dry up to something cruel and brittle. Dust that he swallowed down, since no matter what changed the instinct to protect her was just that. An instinct. “I’m doing a favor for the head pharmacist, he’s out sick and I still have my credentials.” He wondered if she realized he’d worked here for longer, knew people better--but he didn’t want her to know. Somehow she had shifted from someone he wanted desperately to tell everything to, to someone he viewed like family. Like the less they knew the better. Kevin was exceptionally good at tying himself up into knots so he could blame himself for everything, but in the case of them, he only saw her selfishness. Her cruelty. Maybe he deserved that but it didn’t make what she had done any more excusable. “you’re running low on a few things. But he didn’t want anyone to get the flu.” Kevin had dropped soup off for him too, his own supernatural abilities making him fairly confident that he wasn’t going to get the death flu. But the old man had still refused to let him inside.