champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends

I don’t talk about it very much, but I actually have BPD. So I’d like to talk about what it is, common misconceptions and the actual truths, and my own experience with borderline.

It’s one of the most difficult disorders to live with, and one of the most highly stigmatized personality disorders.

It’s characterized by severe emotional instability, profound fear of abandonment, impulsive behaviors, distorted self-image, and chaotic relationships. People with BPD often live with intense inner turmoil and high rates of self harm and/or suicidal behavior.

The exact causes of it are unknown, but research suggests a combo of genetic and environmental factors play a role in development, like a history of childhood trauma or having a close family member with BPD.

Common misconceptions about the disorder, alongside severe ableism, makes it feel almost impossible to live with.

Common misconceptions about BPD include:

-people with bpd are all abusers/abusive

-falsely painting individuals with BPD as manipulative, inherently dangerous, or untreatable

-people with bpd are incapable of love

-only women can have BPD

in reality, people with BPD are significantly more likely to be victims of abuse, both in their childhood and adulthood, than they are to be perpetrators. About 70%-90% of people with BPD report experiencing childhood trauma– early abuse is widely considered the most major contributing factor in the development of borderline.

People with BPD also have difficulty recognizing abuse due to emotional dysregulation and interpersonal sensitivity, which distorts how people with borderline perceive relationship dynamics, making it challenging to be able to identify when they are being mistreated.

Borderline behaviors like threatening self-harm or erratic outbursts are labeled as “manipulative”, but the truth is these are desperate coping mechanisms used to regulate extreme emotional distress or prevent perceived abandonment. The intention is to seek safety and connection, NOT to harm others.

Bpd is also highly treatable through therapy like DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy), MBT (mentalization-based therapy), and schema therapy. There’s a lot of evidence people with borderline are able to learn emotional regulation and achieve lasting recovery, going on to lead fulfilling, independent lives.

People with BPD are also absolutely capable of love. They are highly capable of love and deep empathy, and often experiencing affection with intense passion.

BPD also affects all genders equally. Men are frequently misdiagnosed with impulse control, substance abuse, etc due to how their symptoms are socially expressed.

Some parts of BPD are romanticized or sensationalized, such as having an FP- or “favorite person”. Even the term makes it sound romanticized (which is why I prefer a term like ‘bpd attachment’ or something less sensationalized sounding) and despite how it sounds, someone with borderline cannot pick who their FP is. It refers to someone an individual with BPD develops an intense, sometimes unhealthy emotional attachment to. The FP is their primary anchor for emotional stability, validation, and self worth. FP relationships can be emotionally exhausting and fuel other BPD symptoms like splitting (idealizing and devaluing), intense fear of abandonment, extreme emotional volatility, unstable sense of identity, and chronic feelings of emptiness.

I’ve been able to learn how to live with it better from going through therapy myself and learning coping skills, but it’s still incredibly difficult. I struggle often with suicidal tendencies & impulses alongside self harming, which have been used against me and only amplify these struggles.

I constantly feel misunderstood and chronically lonely, even in a room full of people. The sadness and anger they experience are NOT the same sadness or anger that I experience. These emotions can sometimes be felt so strongly they almost feel physically painful.

Due to how painful emotions can be and how BPD makes it difficult for me to have stable relationships, I’ll tend to isolate and shut myself away- only keeping people at an arms length- to avoid experiencing such pain- despite wanting connection, understanding and close-ness more than anything in the world. Which that was only exacerbated by people who knew of my condition & used that knowledge to hurt me worse & break my trust- like asking what’s wrong when I’m upset & telling me I can trust & vent to them only for them to take screenshots of whatever I say & make fun of it with our others friends. Situations where I’m in a friend group & we have a gc, & my paranoia & fear of abandonment was played with by making another copy of that group chat where everything’s the same except I’m not in it & that’s where they all hang out & have “slip ups” in the gc I’m in that very obviously point to there being a gc without me. I think the worst offender is when people do their best to trigger me & provoke some type of reaction out of me only to screenshot that reaction & claim I was the one doing wrong & causing harm. It feels like living in a world where I’m punished by choosing the positive option (befriend, love, etc) & rewarded with not being hurt by choosing the negative option (isolate).

It would also lead to things like me feeling like I care way more about the other person (whether friend, partner, etc) than they could ever care about me. Which very unfortunately does hold some truth to it, just due to how strongly and passionately I feel things. Therapy has helped me cope with that better, but I can’t lie that it does still get to me.

I hope some of that was able to help you become a little more aware of what BPD is and what it’s actually like, possibly even clearing up some misconceptions! Talking with people who live with borderline can also help better understand it, alongside doing research on it! :]