rawr.

    I wonder what color(s) you illuminate when the thought of you lingers on my mind. I wonder if the map of my brain goes wild because I’ve learned such a twisted way to love, that all the colors and places wouldn’t be so “right”. Then again, what could ever be enough to be able to show how complicated these emotions are for how I’ve felt about you? I wish it was easy for me to move on with my life and forget the people who I’ve come across, but everything anybody ever does makes such an immeasurable emotional impression on me. My mind especially fixates on the little acts of unspoken kindness, even with complete strangers. I try to fill the cracks, I try to keep my life occupied with busy movements, a life that never seems to stop to catch a break, so that maybe I would be too exhausted to think about anything other than the present moment. It never works. People say that when you give something enough time, it’ll heal everything that needs to be healed… But they forget to disclose that healing never happens the way that you think it’ll happen. 

     He was leaning against the rusted metal railing of the Brooklyn Bridge with his head tilted sideways to the right, resting it comfortably in the nook of his folded arms, swiftly scanning the cars that were beneath us that were zooming by at a breakneck speed. I wondered what he was seeing - rather, what he was thinking. I don’t know why I feel so sentimental sometimes, looking at certain expressions on people’s faces, catching fleeting moments within strangers’ eyes who seem to be drinking in all of the lovely goodness of life, and being so caught up in the magic of particular moments.

But we go on, We must.

   In the heat of a dry, summer night I could hear the sounds of distant cars speeding by on the parkway and the steady humming of the refrigerator. These lonely midnight hours always seem to heighten my senses, makes me feel as if I have been warped into a different world filled with a magnitude of unfamiliar emotions whenever the clock strikes twelve. I have such a tender place in my heart for those who can’t sleep at night, for the restless minds of insomniacs that scour the entire expanse of their brains, picking and searching for answers that can never be answered. The night always brings a blanket of soul-searching quietness; sometimes it can be suffocating and sometimes it can be immensely comforting.

    I went to go get a haircut today and I wonder why I have so many issues parting with even a mere inch of my hair. What am I holding onto so badly that I have so much anxiety? I’ll squeeze my eyes shut because I feel that every time a snip here and there and a handful of hair floats to the floor, a part of me disappears too. 

   I want to disappear.

    I don’t know if I’m making any sense, but all I know is at the end of the day, I feel incredibly lonely and sad. 

     I wonder if this is where you’ve always wanted to be in life, or if you’re just like me and you’re kind of just caught up in the whirlwind of it all - thrusted into the chaos of adulthood without anything or anyone else to hold onto but the battered pieces of your heart. I hope that you’re surrounded by the people you’ve always wanted to be loved by and that they are building you up to be the person you are constantly chasing after, instead of dragging you under behind your back (or worse, just taking up the empty spaces). I miss conversing with you, even if it was just to say a simple hello or a brief, mental checkup. People would deem me crazy, but it was truly in those unnoticeably subtle conversations that made all the difference during my dreadful days, or weeks, or months. It was never about spending the most time with you or doing the most “meaningful” things. I adored the simplicity of our conversations that still held their weight... And I hope that you’re happy. I hope that the people around you deeply appreciate that elusive sliver of you as much as I do.

      I’ve been really missing those inimitable feelings of learning and growing together because those moments were the most pure... Now, it’s - it’s a different kind of learning. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and that the people in our lives are meant to be where they are. We are meant to be where we are... But that still doesn’t change the fact that my heart can’t seem to get rid of this terrible aching. Maybe that’s why I’ve stopped eating Skittles.

     So... This happened a little over a month ago... I got engaged on our trip at Turks and Caicos. I feel like I’ve been growing up so quickly over these past few years and I’m not really sure where I’ve been because of how much of a blur all of it has been - but I’ve been growing. I’m happy, but I guess what I’m trying to say is that I never thought I would be here, like this, at this time and age in my life right now. I’ve always wanted to grow up as soon as possible and live out my adult life to the utmost, but now that I’m at these crossroads it feels so strange to take that leap of faith. It feels bizarre to be surrounded by so many people I never would have imagined myself to be around and, even further, it’s so peculiar that I have lost almost everyone I imagined myself to be around; life has too many revelations and my heart always has a shade of bittersweetness.

     Even trees must learn how to let go, die and resurrect.

       Hi. I had to come back to make a post about Kobe because I realized that I used to always post about basketball on here. I can’t believe both of his jerseys have been retired and that his era is finally over. So much of my childhood, my attitude towards life, and the friends I’ve made were through the same admiration we all had for Kobe. Ahhhhhhhhh.