Unfinished

Alternate dialogue in Impey's route where we board the Nautilus and he goes, "I'm here to fuck hot girls and blow shit up, and this girl won't sleep with me so guess why we're here!"

I don't really mean to do it, but whenever I get the sense that something is ending, I'll distance myself from everyone involved. It's a pain because I do love my coworkers. They're my family. But somehow, unconsciously, I get irritated and start pushing people away. I'm sure it's just easier that way, but I don't want to leave with my coworkers thinking I dislike them. I love them so much. How do you write a resignation letter for a job you love? :(

One of the most difficult things about having been in college for so long (besides not being able to get paid a living wage due to only having an A.A.S) is that for so long I've been forced to live as a hermit, especially during this last year, and I've lost so much because of it. There's always this persistent feeling guilt, too; guilt that I haven't spent time with my friends, or that I've stopped drawing or writing (for fun) or playing music...I've basically given up my life, my reasons for being alive. I'm two months away from being done, and I've lived a life of apathy and restraint from so much of what makes me happy, that I feel like the depression that's overwhelmed me from being in a constant work mode -- from school to my actual jobs -- that when I'm finished, and I get home from work, I won't want to do anything except sleep, because I haven't really slept in so long. And then there's the guilt I feel when I decide to take a break, maybe watch a short form anime or take a 20 minute nap, I feel so guilty at not having spent that time studying that most days, I don't even spend my breaks wisely. I just stop after a homework test and stare at the computer for several minutes, doing nothing, because doing something will make me feel guilty, but doing any more homework after sitting at my laptop for 14 hours will make me feel crazy. I'm so fucking tired. I'm so close to starting my life, finally, at 30, and getting my shit together. Having one job, making a living wage...I won't have to feel guilty for being alive. I just can't wait for it all to be over.

Everyone deserves the chance to live, as long as they don't intentionally hurt others. But you're going to hurt others. Sometimes people will expect you to do things you can't do. Nobody should have to be unhappy for someone else. People are allowed to realize when they were wrong. People are allowed to move on. People deserve second chances. People deserve a do-over. Soon I'll have a brand new life, and I can move on and start over and forget everything that was here. You can always start over as long as you're alive.

Talking is so much trouble lately.

How do you become good at one thing when you like to do so many different things. How do you maintain a restrictive diet when you're poor. How do you keep breathing while you're drowning. There are a lot of things I don't know.

I didn't get to celebrate hide Memorial Day like I wanted, but maybe it will be okay.

Alternate but totally legit Yuri On Ice plot summaries: 1. Troubled teen athlete gets pissed when his dad falls in love with another woman. 2. Shy, insecure figure skater achieves his dream by hooking up with his favorite celebrity. 3. Bored, retired Olympic champion decides to seduce promising young athlete.

I don't think I've ever realistically wanted something so badly as to finish school and get the fuck out of here. There has to be something else.

Every time I see Otabek and Plisetsky together, it reminds me of being an introvert at a party and needing to be babysat because being alone at a party is awkward, and so now I keep seeing Otabek as this awkward introvert who wants to make friends, but he sucks at it, and he suddenly found one who also sort of sucks at it, but the difference is that Yurio probably doesn't give a shit whether he has friends or not, and poor Bekka just follows him around everywhere in group settings because he doesn't know what else to do. Their friendship is all of my friendships, but I can't really decide which one of them is me.

When I first moved away from the chaos of people, my closest friend at the time said, "I just know you'll become a hermit. I'm afraid of you losing contact with everyone, and you'll always be alone. You'll die alone. No one will know." And I thought at the time, my biggest fear is that I won't. And to this day, nothing brings me the slow pleasure I need like solitude. There's not a single person who can take that from me. I've never been afraid of being alone. I don't understand loneliness. I will love and care for people in the outside world, but no one needs to care for me. I'm so happy.

I'm going to find my peace soon. I can't move on if I don't.