𝒿𝓊𝓈𝓉 𝓅𝑒𝒶𝒸𝒽𝓎

Bitch can be used in many ways, positive or negative. However most times in the case of using it to me, it is usually in a negative way. “Cold hearted bitch” is something I have acknowledged that I am and something I have heard said against me more recently then ever. But there is a reason as to why I am a “cold hearted bitch”. Let’s start off with why am I a bitch. 

Unlike many other people I will acknowledge and accept that I am a bitch. However also unlike other people, I am not a bitch all the time and it is not my main personality trait. Merely when you first meet me and am getting to know me a bitch is usually how I present myself. I may say a few snarky snide comments here and there but that dies down the closer we become. You may wonder why do you present yourself as a bitch? Well it’s quite simple. Stemming from a young age where I needed friends the most, I didn’t. I was used, trampled on and low-key bullied. For 2 years I had no true friends. It would be going from friend group to friend group to at least try and not be lonely. But that never got me anywhere. Instead it gave me immense damage and trust issues that to this day I will not talk about. From those time in my life I realized that by being a bitch I protect myself from those that are just going to use me again. Therefore being a bitch when you first me just became an instinct. Because if someone can stick it past my bitch stage then maybe they are worth having around. Maybe from the small glimpses of me being a caring, considerate human being they will stick around. Maybe they will see the light behind these walls. 

Now why am I “cold hearted”? Another very simple answer. I was hurt in the past and don’t want to be hurt again. “Love” never gave me anything permanent in my life. At least not in a romantic way. Seeing your parents get divorced at an age where you can actually understand things is a lot more traumatizing than it happening when you’re like 5. Having people you think like you then choose another girl over also does shit to you. Having loved portrayed in such a simple light by media creates such unrealistic expectations which I’ve come to realize the hard way. Yes I ew and gag at romantic gestures in movies but I still want my fairy tale ending like any other girl. Being loved is one of the best feelings in the world from my very brief experience. But it also gave me so much hurt and pain. I don’t want to be hurt again. Cause it took me so so so long to find myself and see who I truly am on the inside. Not everyone needs to see all your sides, they can see the side they want but you need to remember that side doesn’t define who you are. 

I’d be dead,

That girls not going to be me. And I'm fine with that.

As I know some day someone will love me for all my imperfections and insecurities.

My missing puzzle piece

I’m going to move to another country and study for a year as part of my uni  course (hopefully somewhere in Asia like Korea) during my 3rd year out of 4. I’m going to be living my best life and absolutely thriving in the new environment and making new friends and memories. Then one day I’m go to a cafe after my classes to do some work however as I’m ordering I’m taking a long time to find my wallet so the person behind me side steps around and adds his order to mine and then pays. PLOT TWIST. I know this person not because they’re in my classes or in my uni but because they’re an idol/famous. No one else realizes because he’s wearing a cap that is covering most of their, a hoodie over top and a face mask but I know cause there is only one idol that always wears their NY Yankees x Gucci cap, has such pretty eyes with plims and get’s an iced americano with 4 shots of espresso. I say thank you, let me pay you back but he declines so knowing who it is I go find a seat to set up to work while waiting for my drink which I’m having there as I don’t want to cause a big scene and ruin his coffee time. Just as I’m about to put my airpods in someone says here’s your drink and I look up expecting the waiter but it’s him holding my drink in one hand and his in the other. I say thank you, you really didn’t have to, and offer to pay him back again however he declines and wishes me luck with my work and leaves the cafe. I sit there trying to process what just happened and start working.

 ~time skip~  

It’s a week later and it’s raining quite hard outside yet I’m still in the cafe working on my assignment that is due in a few days and am loosing track of time. I’m sitting there getting quite stressed then I see movement from the opposite side of the table and look up. It’s him and he’s pushing the same drink I ordered last time towards me. I smile and say do you often buy drinks for girls at cafes and he says no, only the ones that interest me. I have an amused look on my face and decide to introduce myself so I stick my hand out for a handshake. He seems puzzled by my name as it’s not a traditional Korean name so I explain that I am from overseas and am currently studying in Korea and he makes this face of realization and say’s that why you’re Korean isn’t very joined and I laugh knowing my Korean still isn’t the best. He smiles and introduces himself and I acknowledge that he leaves out the idol stuff and decide not to mention it as it would just make the conversation awkward. He then starts asking me about myself and we start talking about my student life however I do realize that he keeps the conversation away from any of his personal information and I understand. Then the cafe owner comes over and says that they are going to be closing for the day so I quickly pack up my stuff and we make our way to the door. It’s raining much harder than when I first arrived so I didn’t bring an umbrella so I curse under my breathe and hope I won’t get too wet walking. I turn around to say thank for the drink and company but hes already walking with an umbrella and say’s aren’t you coming? I smirk, run to catch up and we walk side by side then he asks where bouts I’m going. I say that this direction is to my apartment and he asks if I live alone so I reply yes and he asks if it ever gets lonely and I say sometimes but I don’t mind cause I lived my whole life always around people. My phone then buzzes and it’s my mum calling me so I pick up and talk to her in mandarin saying that I’m out and on my way home so once I get back home I’ll call her. I hang up and look at him and he then say’s so you’re Chinese which I smile to then he says he has friends which are Chinese and I continue to smiling knowing very well who it is. Then I realize I have no idea where he’s going so I quickly ask if walking me is an inconvenience and he says no as his friends are at restaurant near here. Too soon we arrive at my apartment complex and I quickly thank him for walking me home in the rain he says you’re welcome then I start to walk inside when I hear him call my name so I turn around and he walks up to me and asks for my number which I’m quite shocked by. I give it to him wondering if he’s actually going to be giving his number to a near complete his stranger not knowing what I could do with it. I ask him if he’s sure and he says yea why and I just look at him with a like you don’t know look on my face. I then see the light bulb go off in his head; he knows that I know who he is. He smiles and say’s so you’ve been acting dumb this whole time, I reply no, I just wanted to get to know you for you and not whats said through the internet. He smirks and says right and proceeds to turn around and with a final I really enjoyed tonight he walks off in to the rain leaving me completely speechless. I walk up to my apartment and feel the butterflies in my stomach and wonder where the heck this is going to go. 

Guess that makes me a fool for you then