Overthinker & Writer

18. New to a whole other country without family or friends to pursue your career and words like ‘nervous’, ‘anxious’ or ‘stressed’ were an understatement. It was okay at first. You were never really outgoing so your first training session with the team was great. Maybe a little bit bumpy but it was decent. Alexia offered a teasing comment for you to lighten up but not too much when it felt like she could practically feel the anxiety expanding out of you. It didn't help like you made it seem. And you stayed off on your own and when it came time for partners as training sessions and practices you chose quiet like you. 

For pairing, Esmee was the easiest option. Quiet and spoke fluent English since you didn't speak much Spanish yet. But when she was with Kika, Alexia. Since she spoke English and was all business so it could keep you on track and had very little small talk. But when she wasn’t paired with you, Vicky was your next option. She was loud and outgoing though, made you laugh even if you didn't understand what she meant half the time or blurted out little phrases in English to test the waters. Otherwise, you didn't really have much communication with your team.

Then came team dinners. You didn't really go and if you did you sat at the corner of the table quietly and watched the chaos unfold between the closest pairs or triplets and left early under the implication that you were tired. Not that it was a lie, you were. Just not from training or anything, from emotional and spiritual torment that was being hauled around inside you with no one to let lose to. You didn't exactly have the best relationship with your parents, didn't have any friends to call back in the states, and obviously here you were lonely. 

At night you were plagued with old thoughts of your troubled past haunting you. Nightmares (or sweet dreams) of buying just one more pencil sharpener and unscrewing it. Maybe an eraser or two. Two or three slices of cake if you were feeling extra empty like you needed a space in your chest to be filled. You woke up with watery eyes, just minutes before your alarm most days and while getting ready you put almost invisible makeup on. Concealer and foundation over your eye bags, blush and lip stain to make it look like you weren't completely void of color and life. Maybe some mascara if you were feeling bold. But every morning your puffy eyes always landed on your little eyebrow razor. You didn't need a pesky screwdriver and it was convenient but you always decided against it, despite what you still yearled for even all these years later. Because you swore to yourself that you'd heal when no one else was there to help you. A promise was a promise. Even if your own mind wasn't convinced of your mental strength. 

You chugged down coffee like it owed you something when you didn't even feel like you were worth more than a penny. 

At one point you did drag that blade across your skin but it was through blurred eyes and went unremembered most of the time after the high went down.

And then came preseason games and you worked your ass off to make a good impact and look because people ate it up. You signed autographs, took photos, and faked at least 100 smiles all before the season truly kicked off because people were intrigued with the young, new American girl on the Barca team. If there was one thing that your parents used to love to call you, it was a liar. And you lied to hell and back convincing those around you that you were okay even if your facade broke down as soon as you were out of view from others.

But after one specific game you'd taken a harsh fall after a certain player by the name of McCabe tripped you up and while off your balance you may have landed with your back right in front of another players legs which just so happened to collide with your spine right before they could realise what they were doing as the ball was technically close enough for them to make the goal (not really with Cata guarding it, cause shes amazing at her job, but the thought counts), it's just that you were in the way. 

No one really processed what had happened until you let out what felt like an ear shattering screech to those within a ten foot distance of you that lasted around two seconds. The crowd grimaced and everyone on the field was immediately to your aid and for once, even McCabe looked shocked and guilty as you rolled on your stomach to hide your face from the embarrassment that immediately followed along with the intense shaking of your shoulders from the need to cry and fuck ass adreneline wearing off far to quickly. No assessment on the field was needed really because the ref called in medics immediately. Like even from twenty feet away she could see that I would be playing for a bit. 

Alexia was right there in a blink along with many from both teams crowding around you, like it was a sight to see while protecting you from the nosy crowd all at once. Apparently my jersey had lifted and it was very visible that at least one of my lower ribs was shifted and not in the right place and there was a large bruise already turning colors on my spine. Alexia was right up with me, following the emt’s as they put me face down on the stretcher to prevent any further damage, and trailed behind them all the way to the ambulance and riding to the hospital. 

When I woke up groggily in the hospital and looked around, basically everyone was there. I wanted to close my eyes back immediately and pretend like I was still awake but there Alexia was walking into the already full hospital room with three bottles of water and making eye contact.

“Dios Mio. You're awake”

At that moment everyone looked directly at me and my face heated up with embarrassment and when I took a breath it hurt. I wince and alexia was already plopped down by my side in the hospital bed, esmee on the other side. It was nice, despite me not being close with either of the two. Or really anyone here. Or anyone period. Other than your cat. Your cat!!

“Dont move too much. You'll be fine, I promise. It was one rib. The doctor says that with the right amount of healing you'll be back to playing in no time but the important part is that you're okay.”

She assured, almost too comforting. Like the mother that others seemed to have.

I took a brief sweep over the room with my eyes, not turning my head much and seeing the concerned looks on my teammates faces. Then I turned my head down a bit, at first to look at Esmee since she was sitting a bit lower than Alexia on the other side, more so closer to my feet. That was when my eyes laid on the bandages wrapped around my upper arms. No doubt the work of the doctors that were checking you out. The bandages replaced the usual arm band that you wore because somewhere along the blurring together days you'd broken your own promise and relapsed with that eyebrow razor. Your heart dropped and your blood ran cold. Now everyone knows. That is the exact opposite of what you wanted. 

“Its okay”

Esmee said immediately like clockwork to stop your panicked thoughts, rubbing your hotel sheet-covered-leg.

“I just wish that you would've told us, we'd never turn you away.

Alexia put in.

“And I'm a very good listener!”

Cata jumped in, speaking in broken English. She'd never done that before. You'd never heard her speak a word of English but now she almost made a good sentence. Almost like she'd practiced just for you.

“I'm sorry… It's just hard. I can't explain it… and I kinda don't want to…”

“And that’s fine. You don’t need to explain anything right now, you can do it on your own time.”

Alexia promised softly, her voice a comforting wave amongst the booming thoughts in your mind.

“Thank you”

You started weakly. 

For once, your voice didn't feel like it was breaking from unbearable pain. This time it was from the overwhelmingness and love of having someone to care for you and actually mean it. Even  if that ‘someone’ was your whole team who you didn't even know cared.

End

It had been around two months since Olga and Alexia had broken up and since then, the Captain had been paying a lot more attention to you. You didn’t know a lot about their relationship but from whispered, what you’d grasped was that after Olga left Barca she’d apparently heard things about you and Alexia and decided that if she couldn’t keep and eye on Alexia (and if she couldn’t be loyal) then long distance wasn’t worth it and called it off. 

What you didn’t understand was what she thought happened between you and Alexia, and why Alexia didn’t seem the most bothered. From some of the other teammates that liked to gossip, they’d mentioned that they already saw that the relationship between the captain and the forward wasn’t going to stay for too long. Maybe it was because you didn’t see the way that Alexia looked at you like the others did, or because Alexia and Olga’s fight just got bigger and bigger, or the way Alexias hands always seemed to find you. Your shoulder, your hair, your neck, lower back, waist, thighs. Wherever. You just thought she was being friendly. Surely your older captain didn’t have a crush on you.

One day there was an away game where Barca was playing against Olga’s team. In the locker room you could see Alexia getting ready. She was quieter than she normally was though. Trying to be nice and go over to check on her. Looking up, when she sees you she offers a truly genuine smile, like nothing was wrong.

“Sí? You need something?”

“No, I just wanted to make sure that you were okay. Are you?” 

“Yes. You’re so kind. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know, we’re playing against your ex”

You spoke, like it was common knowledge.

“No I’m fine. Are you? Do you feel weird about it?” She asked, like my opinion mattered. Like I had a past with forward. Eyes sweet, soft, and genuine.

“No, I don’t. I’m okay”

She nodded, seeming satisfied with my answer. Soon enough it was time for us to head out onto the field and on the way to the runner there was her arm right over my shoulder. 

During the game it was really competitive, especially between Alexia and Olga, and after the game I overheard them in the lockers rooms arguing about something. They were loud but mostly everyone had cleared out so it was just me since I was waiting for Alexia to give me a ride back just like how she gave me a ride to the game, with my car being in the shop.

After a few minutes of loud arguing I finally stuck my head out the showered and into the locker room as that’s where I’ve been hiding since the game ended which I normally did, no matter the outcome, just to calm down a bit. From what I overheard, my jaw dropped. 

“¡Me voy por un tiempo debido a acusaciones estupida y vuelvo para encontrar que son ciertas!” (I leave for a little while due to stupid accusations and come back to find them true!)

Olga yelled, a voice filled of venom.

“¿En serio? ¿Eso es lo que crees que es esto?” (Really? That what you think this is?)

Alexia said calmly, no sense of denial, surprise or remorse in her voice.

“Bueno, ¿qué más podría ser? Porque por lo que veo, te has estado acostando con el pequeño novato” (Well what else could it be? Cause from what I see, you’ve been sleeping with the little rookie) 

“No he tocado e incluso si lo hice, ¿por qué te molesta? Lo rompiste.” (I haven't touched and even if I did, why does it bother you? You broke it off.)

“Porque nunca quise. Todavía te amo y estoy pensando en volver, pero cuando voy y vuelvo, ¡los veo a los dos básicamente abrazados en el campo!” (Because I never wanted to. I still love you and I’m thinking of coming back but when I go and come back I see you two basically cuddling on the field!)

Olga has tears in her eyes by now. Looking at Alexia with regret.

“Entonces, ¿es cierto? ¿Están ustedes dos juntos?” (So is it true? Are you two together?)

“Todavía no. Pero te fuiste por un rumor superficial y eso es algo que ella nunca haría. Tengo planes con ella que quiero llevar a cabo. No te involucran.” (Not yet. But you left because of a shallow rumor and that’s something she would never do. I have plans with her that I want to carry out. They don’t involve you.)

Alexia said sharply, not batting an eye at Olga and not breaking for a second.

“Tenía razón. Has cambiado” (I was right. You changed)

Olga said, turning away before Alexia said another word.

Now with tears in my eyes I took a step forward. Towel still wrapped around myself, hair damp, fingers twitching and bottom lip trembling.

“Did you really mean it?”

Alexia shot up, Olga paused but continued her way out, shaking her head like shaking like trying to shake off the harsh argument that had just went on. 

When it was just the two of us, Alexia nodded boldly, like she’s never been so sure of a decision. 

“Sí” (yes)

With no further questions I walked over, hiding her tightly and crying into her shoulder. 

“I’m so sorry. This is all about me”

I mumbled, Alexia’s hands rubbing the back of my head, running through my damp hair along with the other around over my towel around my waist, giving me a little bit of comfort right now.

“No, this isn’t your fault. There were things happening before that were breaking the relationship and then you came it was like you were the light in the dark…” 

She whispered softly, hugging you tighter.

“Really?”

You looked up at her, her brown eyes melting when she saw your tear ridden ones, nodding softly and holding you. 

“… how would you feel about a date?”

She asked with caution.

“… tonight?”

“Yes. You could get dressed. Just the two of us. Dinner and movie at mine?”

“Id love that Alexia”

“I love you.”